to expect teacher to say something nice for once?

[whethergirl]

Due a "constulation evening" at DS (yr 1) school next week which means we get 10 mins to speak to class teacher.

Last time this happened, I came away feeling quite despondent. Teacher told me ds was behind in literacy, and also mentioned he was quite "young for his age" (in terms of maturity, I guess).

I know he is a bit behind with literacy but it never really worried me much considering he is only 5. But I made the effort and have been working with him at home to improve things so he doesn't get too far behind. He trys his best! But he just finds it difficult.

DS is a complete daydreamer and so not always on the ball! I also know he is always well behaved at school, never been in trouble, helpful, considerate, follows rules to a T and respectful. He is a confident speaker, enthusiastic and bright/inquisitive. But none of these things were even mentioned.

I'm guessing next week is going to be a repeat of the last consultation. Now, at work, when you get an appraisal, the manager tells you how pleased he is in certain areas as well as what needs improving. AIBU to expect the same at school, or should I just sit there, while she goes on again about how behind he is with literacy and not expect her to say anything positive at all? Nothing is ever said about his social skills for example, which I think are just as important. It just all seems to be about achieving set standards.

I just find in general, with his teacher, whenever we've had quick chats here and there, she's never once said anything complimentary/encouraging/postive about ds. Am I expecting too much?

Make a list of questions to ask.

Also it may not be all bad this time...it sounds like you are nervous.

My DD had a not so good report when I went to her parents evening in year 1 and by the end of the year she was great.

No you aren't expecting too much. She sounds miserable.She's probably like this with all the parents though so try not to worry too much.

It could just be your specific school/teacher?

But because they only have such a short time they'll want to say what's important to them.

They're saying it to you and not your DS though, so I don't think they're under an obligation to even out what they've got to say with a balance of postitive things.

I always think that if they're not saying anything about a subject then I can presume all's well, anything else and I go away looking at how we can work on whatever the problem is (usually chatting when she should be listening).

It's a bit early to be worrying at five though.

Get in, get out and don't dwell too much on what's said is my advice

Ask her?! Say 'what are his strengths?' 'how does he get on with his peers?' 'Have you found him imaginative?' etc-whatever you want to know. It is a consultation i.e. two way.

Teachers generally sandwich the negatives between two positives.
Time is limited though - 10 minutes fly by. If they have a serious issue they want to discuss with you it could take up the whole meeting and time could run out before a teacher gets the chance to elaborate on the positives.
Sometimes a teacher has the grab the moment when they have it.
Be glad they tell you the truth at least and give you a chance to help your ds rather than fobbing you off with platitudes as my dd's teacher did with her in p1.

I will make a list, but to be honest, I didn't get much of a chance to ask anything last time, it was just "your son needs to improve his literacy" for 10 minutes!

I think I'm going to sound ridiculous saying this, but unless the child is being deliberately lazy or uncooperative, how can it be a bad report? There's always something to improve, and always something you can find to commend a child on.

YANBU, I have come away from parents' evenings feeling the same as you.

As a side note, I don't know if you have the spare cash to do it but if you can afford it it is really worth looking into the Easyread programme by Oxford Learning. It's an online course to help literacy. My DD1 really struggled with literacy and when she was in Year 1 I started her on this programme - I was absolutely astounded with the results, it's brilliant. She really quickly caught up with her classmates and she is loads happier now. Not cheap but worth every penny as it's really good fun for them and you see results so quickly.

I really think you should try not to take it so personally. You have a ten minute slot to talk about your child's learning. You know your ds is lovely, sociable and an enthusiastic poppet. It might be that she wants to highlight the difficultues he has educationally because that is her job - to teach him. Of course you might be right she is a negative, uncaring teacher, but it could also be her focusing on his learning. I know it's hard. I have a child with lots of SN and have sat in many meetings listening to the difficulties my child has, but I focus on what to do to help her and the fact that I know my child's lovely side outside the classroom. I also think you need to know that teachers are asked to focus on these standards. Many parents are very focused on this side of things also.

Oh poor you. I had this too. Including 'Your DD is getting a little better - she doesn't do a little dance when I leave the room now.'

I have never had a good parent's evening. Just once I met an English teacher who 'got' my daughter - who is similar to your son in the sense that she is a dreamer.

He is only five and he sounds gorgeous. There is plenty of time for improvement.

Thanks for your replies, very helpful.

It's not a personal thing, I guess it's the way she is. I don't really like dig her much as a person, but I do think she is good at teaching.

Also it's a shock going to yr 1 from reception, everything seems to suddenly get very serious!

AgentZigZag - good point. I think I was a little bit hurt on his behalf, ds asked last time, "What did Ms X say?" and his face was all beaming and proud, just expecting praise!! (I made a load of stuff up and then said we need to practise writing). But you're right, she's directing it at me, not him.

And of course, I am glad to be informed about their concerns re ds, and would rather know. I think it's just the way she says things. Even today, I said "DS seems to be confused about where to hand in his weekly challenge" and as usual, she went straight into defensive mode "Well I don't know why, I've told them all at least 20 times today!" All I needed was, "Oh it needs to go in the red box" "oh does it, thanks, I'll remind him." Y'know?

igetmorelovefromthecat - thanks for that. Unfortunately I'm on an extremely tight budget, but will look into it and see if I can raise some cash. I get him those workbooks from WHSmith and we do stuff online which he enjoys.

Well i got told yesterday that my daughters just lazy. She cant read or write and is in YR2, fucking foaming i was. Out i marched

I know it is hard. I really like dd2's teacher and I am very conscious that I trust all her judgements because I have a good feeling about her. I think that we want to like the teacher because they are dealing with our dc, but at the same time, there are going to be plenty who you just don't care for, like in any walk of life! The positive is you get to go through the same thing again with a new one next year!

Yes cansu, you're absoloutely right, I suppose I've got to be more business like about it and keep my focus. I don't really need her to tell me how amazing my ds is do I! And I can understand her point of view, I can't expect her to be thinking "Oh how cute, he's daydreaming again! I wonder what it's about, let me ask him" when she's asked him to open his book for the 3rd time and has a whole class to teach!

Thanks, thought i was going to get flamed as I thought I might come across as a bit precious, but I'm not at all really like that.

Punkatheart - reminds me of when I was at school! Teachers were normally just exasperated with me, but then you'd get the odd teacher (usually English, Art or Drama!) who would 'get me' and know how to bring the best out in me.

cansu - I don't think I've ever got over the fact that not all teachers were going to be like ds' nursery teacher!! She was just amazing. Very firm and quite scary(!) - but so good with ds, really understood him, and I felt she genuinely liked ds. Instead of saying "He's so bad at holding a pencil he didn't even draw himself hair on his self portrait" (which was the blatant truth), instead she said "He tires easily of holding a pencil, but when I asked him where was his hair, he told me that this was a picture of him when he was a grown up and bald, which I thought was a very smart answer!"

fifi25 - sorry to hear that, I think 'lazy' is such a derogative term.

It's a teacher who is their to teach. Not their to encourage their social skills.

Shit fifi, what a reason to give you that your DD can't read or write! Cheeky bastard.

The teacher does sound a bit abrupt OP, but then some are like that, I wouldn't have expected it for 5 YOs though unless she's not like that with them?

I was a dreamer at school and kept drifting off into my own world, I needed to give my mind a rest now and then from whatever they were droning on about

I think I'm alright now.

Possibly

YANBU! I remember going to dd1's first parents' evening, all excited and happy, as she seemed to be doing really well- reading easily, happy at school, really keen, and getting good marks for everything.

When I got there, the teacher told me she was doing "fine" but had difficulty following instructions I asked her for an example, as all her homework etc seemed fine. She told me in a serious tone that dd was often the last to get her coat on when told to do so. She was 4! I felt like she was looking for something negative to say, and it saddened me, but like you I cheered up when I realised that I didn't need the teacher to tell me what a bright, loving, enthusiastic child I had- I knew that already!! So coat ,shmote!

I would be more prepared, if you feel that the teacher is beginning to be quite negative, than I would ask the teacher about postives, and to not only focus on negative things.

FabbyChic, I understand the primary aim of a teacher is to teach...but I think you're wrong, school also have some responsibility towards teaching your child how to interact, behave, think independantly, use imagination..etc. all kinds of things that aren't officially included in the cirriculum but to me, just as important.

AgentZigzag, she's a New Zealander and my New Zealander friend told me her seemingly abrupt nature is quite typical. Also she taught yr 2 for the last few years and don't feel her expectations have changed in some areas.

Joolyjoolyjoo, aw, that's quite heartbreaking! Seriously though, how on earth is your dd going to get anywhere in life if she doesn't improve her coat-getting skills? . This attitude saddens me too, some teachers seem to forget that kids are...kids!

My dd 4 is at preschool, she has social communication difficulties and speech and lang delay, the headteacher called us in for a meeting, and was so negative I was nearly in tears, I had to remind her to foucs on the positives as well, as I felt the meeting was full of negatives.

But piglet, the school is there to teach your DD, not to placate you or give you a pat on the back that everything's going to be alright and you're doing a good job (which is what you're kind of saying you want).

I don't mean that to sound nasty, presumably you were there to discuss things that were 'negative' and wanted to talk about the truth of the matter?

Rather than have her wrap it up in nice words she was saying how it was.

I think there are a couple of things to remember.

If 10 minutes aren't enough request a separate appointment to discuss the teacher's concerns more fully.

If big problems with literacy are raised again just counter with, "if you think there is such a problem, I would like him referred to the SEN co-ordinator for a thorough dyslexia assessment then please". There may be a problem that needs addressing or you may just see her eyes widen as she backs off.

Ask what she specifically suggests what you shoudl do at home to support your child.

Ask if there are problems in any other areas.

Remember that she is used to communicating with five and six year olds, bossy head teachers and does not necessarily have particularly well developed negotiating skills for dealing with adults.

Remember that you are the customer here and make sure you get a clear and honest picture in relation to your son and advice on how best to help him. If you don't feel that is happening make an appointment to see the head.

Go equipped with written questions that you require answers to and if you don't get answers repeat the question.

Might be better this time, in which case smile and agreed but I would ask for confirmatino that there has been real improvement in case there is an underlying problem.

Some people are just negative. And at yr1 some children are just not ready to read. I find they generally have caught up enough by year 3/4.

Workbooks are very expensive and often their format puts kids off. There are some great online sites aimed at all ages and abilities - try looking at BBC educational pages.

Also there's a national curriculum linked computer game series called Jump Ahead - also plenty of others. These can be much more engaging.