to expect teacher to say something nice for once?

[whethergirl]

Due a "constulation evening" at DS (yr 1) school next week which means we get 10 mins to speak to class teacher.

Last time this happened, I came away feeling quite despondent. Teacher told me ds was behind in literacy, and also mentioned he was quite "young for his age" (in terms of maturity, I guess).

I know he is a bit behind with literacy but it never really worried me much considering he is only 5. But I made the effort and have been working with him at home to improve things so he doesn't get too far behind. He trys his best! But he just finds it difficult.

DS is a complete daydreamer and so not always on the ball! I also know he is always well behaved at school, never been in trouble, helpful, considerate, follows rules to a T and respectful. He is a confident speaker, enthusiastic and bright/inquisitive. But none of these things were even mentioned.

I'm guessing next week is going to be a repeat of the last consultation. Now, at work, when you get an appraisal, the manager tells you how pleased he is in certain areas as well as what needs improving. AIBU to expect the same at school, or should I just sit there, while she goes on again about how behind he is with literacy and not expect her to say anything positive at all? Nothing is ever said about his social skills for example, which I think are just as important. It just all seems to be about achieving set standards.

I just find in general, with his teacher, whenever we've had quick chats here and there, she's never once said anything complimentary/encouraging/postive about ds. Am I expecting too much?

Remember some teachers are just shit at what they do and shit and communicating to parents.

Agree with the points about asking her. If she just says negative stuff then ask 'OK, tell me about what he does well'

Good luck.

Here's a link. Loads to do on there.

www.bbc.co.uk/learning/subjects/childrens_learning.shtml

Every child has good points so if she only says the negative she isn't 'telling it how it is'. If you don't want a list of questions take DrNortherner's advice and once she has spoken ask for the positive points.

If my son's previous school had been more honest about his abilities rather than say he was a delightful child, contributes well in class, pleasure to have etc etc then I would not have been totally stunned to find out he has a reading age 2 years behind where he should be, has enormous difficulty in comprehension, finds it difficult to retain information etc etc. I would much rather a teacher say exactly what his capabilities are than tell me what they think I want to hear. Pointless.

A good point Trifle-you need the truth-but it helps to find some good too.

wheathergirl- it is when see sene the SN teacher who thinks she could poss be dyslexic after saying for 2 years shes got a learning delay. She is at the docs on Monday as i am asking for referal to for the educational phychologist Her teacher is definately not helping!

*she sees

Like an appraisal at work, parents evenings should be about progressing not just reviewing the past, so if she does start focusing on the negative, could you try turning it round and say 'we do x y z with him, is there anything else you suggest we could do to help him?' Or of you are feeling brave ask if the school could do anything extra to help him.

It would be nice if she focused on the positives too, but at the end of the day you are there with her for 10 mins and then get to go home and see for yourself how wonderful your son is!

Yes I understand that but they also have to focus on the Childs strengths too. Most of my school years have been marked by teachers saying derogatory about me. I have spld dyslexia, dyscalculia, I have achieved so much since then helped by the positiveattitud of my tutors at college, my teachers would be shock that I have a 2: 1 BA Homs and an MSc with merit. Constructive critiscm, playing on the Childs strengths but also areas that need improving.

I'm so looking forward to parent's evening the week after next with my 5yo Yr1 son . I'm fed up of being told that he interrupts, disrupts, is rude and a bully.

He isn't a bully - he was doing what one of the (older, manipulative) girls told him to do - we've discussed the fact that some of them are going to want him to get into trouble and that as he's tall for his age and rather loud he'll be picked on as the ring leader even when that's not the case. Trying to point that out to the teachers is pointless.

He may interrupt - but that's often because he's got something to say on the subject - and he's only 5 so gets a bit too enthusiastic about contributing.

Disruptive - I can imagine he is when he's got bored because he has not been enthused. However, he is only 5 - he has been brought up properly with good manners, even if the teachers don't believe it. The fact that they haven't yet won his respect and therefore he doesn't always demonstrate this in my view says more about their teaching skills and ability to interract with my son in a meaningful way than it says about him.

Loud - yes he is loud - but they have it in writing from a consultant that his perforated ear drum has significantly affected the hearing in one ear. That's conveniently forgotten about of course.

Oh - and to top it all with saying that if you got him into a one-to-one situation he could be a charming, polite, interesting conversationalist doesn't fill me with great respect for teaching skills - you know he can be like this - what are you doing about getting that behaviour the rest of the time? Oh - its because he's an 'only child' is it???? Well, I'm sorry I had major issues with TTC and only have one - perhaps I need a consultant's letter for that too?

sorry for the rant - you may gather I also have a few 'issues' with school and parents evenings!!!!

Whethergirl - I think a list would be helpful - and I also think that you could ask if there are any books etc that you could be borrowing from school that are not part of the 'standard' reading scheme he's on so that you can do some additional things to help at home - this way you'll be seen to be trying to work with the school - but you won't have to have a significantly outlay on anything, and what you're given should be the right level for him to be working on too.

Sorry for the mistakes I'm on my I phone. But I felt the tone of the meeting was quite negative like the head was writing off my 3 year old dd before she's even started. Now it was a different experience with the meeting with the ed psych, the tone was so positive even when we were discussing dd difficulties it was done in a positive way, not dd can't do this, she can't do that, she's like a baby, she's the bottom of all the nursery, that's not right at all

Why should they 'win' your ds's respect? They have a classful of kids to teach - not just yours. Also if he has such great manners why does he interrupt? I bet most of the others, the same age, can manage to raise their hands and wait their turn.

Do you have any idea how tiring it is to enthuse a class of 25+ for a full day? Your ds sounds like he needs to learn when some behaviours are appropriate and when they are not.

I daresay your ds is a lovely kid - but you are doing him no favours by ignoring what you are being told.

Sorry I didn't mean it to sound as if the teacher shouldn't focus on the positives, but for whatever reason this teacher has failed to do that. The teachers attitude probably can't be changed unfortunately.

I think that you will get more from the parent's evening, mistlethrush,if you work with the school. You are going to have endless of the same, all through his school career, unless he learns to listen and respect others.

Sorry, I went off on one without thinking as its winding me up too....

At one stage we had a little book that came home with a one-liner on how he'd behaved during the day and a sticker for good behaviour - the teachers stopped that as they didn't think I was doing anythign with it - although I found it really useful to have as it meant I had an accurate way of knowing whether or not he'd been good etc - and could talk to him about it (and did every night - and he was pleased when he had a sticker and upset when he didn't). I have been in to meet the teachers before term started as we've had similar comments in both nursery and reception when he was settling into those forms - and had a follow up meeting shortly after the start of the autumn term - but as they don't seem to want to do anything proactively with my assistance, I don't see how I could be more invoved with 'working with the school'.

Interrupting - his teachers seem to think that he interrupts at home - but of course he doesn't, he has to wait until whatever conversation has stopped - and he knows this and rarely forgets. What am I supposed to do about him interrupting in school? I'm not there - and he's agreed that if I was there he wouldn't be interrupting. Surely an experienced teacher and an experienced TA should be able to stop a 5 yo in their class interrupting when he knows it is not acceptable?

manic - you speak as though I am happy for my child to run riot thorughout the school day. Quite the opposite in fact. I expect good manners from him. He certainly doesn't 'get away' with things because he is a pfb. I expect the teachers to require a similar level of behaviour from him at school - and not moan at me as though its my fault or as if I can do something about it if, for what ever reason - they don't receive it.

mistlethrush no you're not at school, but if your DS is 5 he should respond well to play acting. Get him and all his toys (and DH if around) to sit as the 'class' and you try to teach him something you know he is interested in. When he wants to say something then get him to put his hand up. It helps if you have more 'people' in the class, as then everyone can model putting their hand up and taking turns waiting to be asked to speak. Give lots of praise when he puts his hand up and waits to be asked before speaking.

You can also try doing the reverse 1st - you be in the 'class' ask DS to tell you about something and then shout/talk over him. When he gets your attention, stop briefly and ask him to continue, then go back to talking over him. Ask him how it feels - if you keep doing it he should get pretty frustrated. Then ask how he thinks his teachers feel when he calls out in class.

It is hard when you feel the teacher doesn't 'get' your child - but they have 30 kids to teach and a big part of school is learning to conform to these rules.

It was more the fact that you expect them to earn your pfb's respect. He should already respect them - they are teachers and adults. Your child may be able to restrain himself at home and not interrupt but it seems he finds it difficult at school.

Look at the wider picture and how his behaviour might impact on a class of 25. Then think about how you'd feel if your child was one of those 25 being affected by the behaviour.

It's great that you want to help him to feel more settled at school. Maybe you should arrange a meeting with his teacher to discuss how you can work together to do this because it really needs to be a joint effort.

Any consolation it's not great when its the other way - I've come away from PE feeling very frustrated.

My child is dyslexic and goes out of the class for one-to-one help. Therefore, I know English is a problem.

My PE went like this

X is such a lovely child.
How can we help with the spellings?
Oh don't worry x is such a lovely child
How are they getting on socially?
Oh don't worry x is such a lovely child.
How about numeracy?
Oh don't worry x is such a lovely child.

10 minutes of finding out that my child is 'such a lovely child', but bugger all about strengths/weaknesses etc.

I think I may be able to handle negative only at least I have something to work on.

But YANBU! you have my sympathies.

YANBU. Whatever level a child is at, a teacher should be able to discuss strengths and weaknesses, and most importantly explain the plan for bringing the child to the next level.

No you are not expecting too much. Every child has good points and they should be warmly valued.

onceamai - I will definitely use the dyslexia line, her reaction will also help me to guage how serious this all is.

I did ask her last time what I can do at home, some of the advice was fine - she recommended using the WHSmith workbooks and a few websites, but tbh some of the advice I found a bit patronising, for example, to help build his fine motor skills (as he doesn't hold his pencil very well), I should try playing ball games with him, taking him to a playground where he can climb, colouring in etc...oh you mean all the normal things a parent often does with their 5 year old? What does she think I do, sit him at home with his hands tied behind his back!

manic - I quite agree - I don't want my ds disturbing the rest of the class - and I don't want him getting the reputation of being 'difficult' either. I have instigated meetings myself - but it always gets put onto me - the impression I get from the teachers is that they think I let him get away with murder at home when the opposite is true. I don't expect them to 'earn' his respect - I expect them to have it as their right - the issue is that they appear to have lost it rather than the other way round....

And, yes, we do sometimes find him trying to get his turn to speak with his hand up... of course we never hear about when he's been good - only when its gone badly.

In that case, if his teacher is being so woefully inadequate at helping him to improve I'd think about a chat with the head.

Hope you (and them) can come up with a way forward.

manicbmc - exactly my thoughts, I truly believe ds will learn to read when he is ready to learn to read! If I am helping him at home, and he is getting extra help at school then...there really is not much else we can do, I can't force him to progress any faster. Thanks for the link & tips.

Trifle, I suppose it's about getting a balance. Very odd that they didn't mention anything at all to you though! I suppose I'd prefer my situation.

Good luck fifi, hope you get to the bottom of it.

caffinequeen - last time I did ask what the school are doing about it, because as far as I'm concerned, it's their responsibility too! She said ds was getting 1:1 reading lessons, which I was fine about but wanted to make sure ds didn't in anyway feel outcast or aware that he was behind. Once you label someone a dunce then...well it's a self fulfilling prophecy.

piglet mania, I would love for your teachers to know how far you've come. I think the way school judge him on his intelligence is a very narrow minded perspective, which I think is what gets me. It's a shame kids don't get as much recognition for emotional intelligence, creative thinking, etc. which are all other forms of intelligence. Just because you can't spell doesn't mean you aren't clever! And I'm quite happy to accept ds may or may not be (too early to tell now) academically minded. It's not a measure of how clever you are.

receiverofopiniongiver - quite odd really. I can actually understand why ds' teacher can get so narrow minded - she is also under pressure and has set requirements to fulfil. But why would they be too much the other way? Can't understand the motivation.

Possibly the teacher has a lot of presure on her from the management team to have all her students reach a set target.

Year One is funny ole' year. One minute they can just about hold a pencil and write their name, the next they are writing streams & streams independently. I sooooo believe that Yr1 teachers should be Early Years trained/experienced) (rather than Primary trained/experienced)

Boys fine-motor development is much slower to develop than girls. So physically boys find it a struggle and that is why they are put off.

If you do a search on the Primary education board, you should come across Mrz fine-motor skills lists. She suggests lots of paper srunching, picking things up with tweezers, playdough, using pegs, basically anything that involves using the fingers/hands that isn't writing.

And the other thing is developing his phonics skills - again you can do this without writing. Most schools use the "Letters and Sounds" scheme now which was produced by the last government. There are loads of resources online. The actual document is still available online on the dfee website but there are lots of resources online.

I would recommend starting at Phase 2 so you can be sure that your DS has no gaps in his learning. Introduce the sets of letters, one at a time. Once he can use those sounds to read/write words move on to the next set.

This is a really good site, it explains the programme for parents and has lots of resources and some free games
Thorne is fantastic

both sites are very boy-friendly