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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my mum, re DP coming in from work

99 replies

abenstille · 10/03/2011 20:07

Was on the phone to mum tonight and I was saying I wouldn't mind getting my 17month old dd into bed 1/2 hour early as the tantrums from her all day have wore me out (we went clothes shopping - always a mistake!)My thoughts were I could sit down and have a cuppa, nosy at other peoples day on mumsnet and just generally drop my shoulders and BREATHE. My mum, when I mentioned the half an hour, instantly jumped in with " Oh that would be nice, you could get ready for Mr Abenstille coming in"
"Oh" I say dinners already in the slow cooker so at least that's done.
Mum responds " No, I mean re-do your hair and touch up your make up, titivate yourself"
I was a bit Shock. I mean I got up this morning, showered, blow dried my hair, put on my normal minimal look make-up and wore jeans and a nice top. Now I know mum couldnt see me, but I do this every morning. Does she think I always look like Ive made no effort or does she think that a womans role is to keep enticing her man back into the net?
Do people just forget how demanding it is looking after a willful toddler?
Should I be 'titivating' myself every evening before DP comes home? Do you?

OP posts:
kapok · 10/03/2011 20:31

Loved this OP! My mum still says this to me (after 25+ years with DH, 3 DCs, etc).

And she actually says 'titivate' too! Hilarious.

Dh oftens rings to say what train he will be on, is mum is at our house she will immediately say 'go on go' with nudging elbow towards stairs 'go and titivate yourself! It's important not to let yourself go, you know'.

I take the opportunity to pop upstairs with a book and cup of tem whilst she presides over the mad house that is teatime in our family.

She has known my DH for the full 25+ years and knows full well he wouldn't notice if I had my arms chopped off never mind whether I've slapped some lippy on. (I us to have long hair - had it cut short one day without warning DH - he didn't say anything for 3 weeks, and then his only comment was 'have you dyed your hair?')

DitaVonCheese · 10/03/2011 20:36

Grin Is your mum actually my gran? It still amazes her that I ever found anyone to marry me when I don't wear my hair down often enough and swear too much (though lately she is chiefly concerned with being amazed that DH does stuff around the house/with DD instead).

twinklingfairy · 10/03/2011 20:38

herbie- You mother thinks you should all wait. The children should go hungry whilst waiting for an undefined time for DHs return??
Um I think not

Agent- My mother is constantly critisising me. I looked for her approval for long enough. I try very hard not to let her upset me anymore, limited contact now and developing my thick skin nicely.

How about you aben?

nailak · 10/03/2011 20:38

I do the opposite. I go to work wearing make-up, hair straightened, high heels, skirt-suit etc. Then I come home put my jogging bottoms, a jumper and slippers on ready for DH to come home!!!

dont u think that is backwards? like you will make an effort for people who are not ur husband, but for your husband you wont bother? if my hubby dressed up and put aftershave on and stuff when he went out but at home dresed like a tramp and unattractively i dont think i would like it!!!

Original poster
abenstille · 10/03/2011 20:39

Ahh, you're all making me feel better. At least if DP runs off due to me not titivating, he's likely find someone else lacking in the 'enthusiasm to titivate' deptartment too Smile
My dp thinks I do a great job with my dd and is just happy to see that everyone is happy when he walks through the door. He is very lovely and doesnt like lipstick anyway as it gets in the way of kissing Wink
Agent - mum does do the silent sort of criticising iyswim, the narrowing of eyes and the hmmm, with a pause. She's very cautious and often bursts my balloon unintentionally with a negative counter arguement. When I was younger my parents would often give advice, which I would ignore, only later to realise they were right all the time. Maybe that's why I'm looking for approval.

OP posts:
undercovamutha · 10/03/2011 20:43

Nailak - my DH changes into 'leisure' clothes when he comes home too. Its called relaxing.

And also, when I'm in work its necessary for me to look good/smart - lots of conferences, important meetings with clients etc. It is less important for me to look fabulous when I am at home hoovering, cleaning the toilet, cooking the tea, having toddler snot wiped all over me - and all the other glamorous aspects of my homelife!

twinklingfairy · 10/03/2011 20:44

I did that for long enough too Nailak.
I think your DH is teh one who knows you and accepts you as you are.
Skirts, tights, fancy heels etc are not exactly comfortabel and after a day wearing them, I wanted the Off, ASAP!
When DH got home, he woud lhave his tie off and shirt undone. BUt trousers and a shirt are not retricting so he woudl have no need to strip it all off to get comfy.

Though, as I said. I would try to keep it all on so he could see that I did look good. Then I would laugh and say 'right, thats how I looked, now I am gonna get into the comfies'

Original poster
abenstille · 10/03/2011 20:45

I should add I would never wish for limited contact with my mother, I love her dearly and have an amazing family and we all get on well. Which is probably why I am so shocked that she should feel I'm not pulling my weight in some way

OP posts:
pamelat · 10/03/2011 20:46

Tee hee. My DH would think I was off out!!

I am in PJ's (not sexy ones!) by the time he is home at 6pm. I tend to put them on around the time I giving the children a bath.

twinklingfairy · 10/03/2011 20:46

Blush sorry for all my typos

twinklingfairy · 10/03/2011 20:50

I had to limit mine Abenstille, I was going mad never living up to expectations and when I began to doubt my DH because he seemed not to live up to them too. I had to cut back.
In fairness, we were in one anothers pockets, so it was a good idea to cut back a little.
But it really wasn't doing me any favours to feel I wasn't doing things quite well enough.
'could do better' well and truly stamped on my report card.
I write my own now and they say 'Doing great, keep up the good work!' WinkSmile

AgentZigzag · 10/03/2011 20:52

It's people like you who give the rest of us a bad name aintmiss Angry

Grin

(psychotropic drugs you say?? I like the sound of that Smile)

apple99 · 10/03/2011 20:54

When we lived with my in-laws for a few months between houses my mil always at 6pm everyday went upstairs with a gin and tonic, had a bath and changed into fresh clothes, put make up on and did her hair, all before fil came in to his bath run and dinner made.

They must have thought I was a real sloth as I would come in from work, jump in the shower, scrub off my make up and put on my comfy clothes Smile

Original poster
abenstille · 10/03/2011 20:54

Great pic Aint, think that's what mum had in mind!

OP posts:
Blatherskite · 10/03/2011 20:55

DH changes into tracksuit bottoms and a t-shirt as soon as he gets home too.

What if we were to have visitors Shock

Original poster
abenstille · 10/03/2011 20:56

Good for you twinkling fairy!
Apple- am warming to the whole idea now I know it invlves bath, g and t and a bit of me time Grin

OP posts:
Onetoomanycornettos · 10/03/2011 20:56

Both me and my husband do the same thing when we get in, take off all our smelly work clothes after a long commute, have a shower and slip into something more slobby comfortable. However, I only feel happy being rather relaxed at home because my husband knows I can look good, when he sees me go out in the morning or if we go out together and I make an effort. If I looked slobby comfortable all the time, it could be a bit off-putting (just as I am glad he doesn't live in jogging bottoms).

AintMissBeehiving · 10/03/2011 20:58
Original poster
abenstille · 10/03/2011 20:58

Shame running the bath causes the little one to wake up and 20 mins of shhh/pat, its ok, (comforter) is waiting for you...

OP posts:
jennypenney · 10/03/2011 20:59

YANBU

Does she expect you to put doilies on top of the telly while wearing a 1950s pointy bra as well?

Original poster
abenstille · 10/03/2011 20:59

antimacassars??

OP posts:
LessNarkyPuffin · 10/03/2011 20:59

All DH wants when he gets home is to get out of his suit. Sometimes I help him Grin He wouldn't notice if I was fully made up. He prefers it if he catches me all hot and sweaty Hmm

LessNarkyPuffin · 10/03/2011 21:02

The things that stop hair oil marking furniture. And are a perk of 1st class on trains.

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