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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be v hurt that i have been suspected of dobbing someone in to the DWP?

72 replies

superv1xen · 10/03/2011 09:50

my friend and her husband live on benefits at the moment, he does some cash in hand work at weekends playing in bands (although afaik he is not doing it at the moment). he has absolutely no intention of working and is actually quite proud of being on benefits and getting one over by getting cash in hand.

anyway it became apparent yesterday via the evil facebook that someone had reported them. so i immediately messaged my friend to say, omg, whats happened, hope you're ok? kind of thing, to which she didn't reply.

i don't like her H and i don't get on with him (very long story) and the feelings mutual. i don't agree with what he does and i think he should get a job like everyone else. HOWEVER, i don't agree with reporting people and would never do it myself, even to someone i hated, let alone a friend (well he isn't my friend but obviously someone dobbing would AFFECT my friend

in the meantime, last night, my DH saw her DH as they are also in a band together and they were rehearsing. and my friends DH was speaking to my DH about it, he said they have got a "shortlist" of a few people who they suspect of grassing them up and it turns out one of those people would be me :(

i don't know what to do for the best now, part of me wants to get in touch with her to deny it but then part of me is like, well fuck her if she thinks that badly of me :( and also if i make a big fuss then that might make it look like it was me "protesting too much" IYSWIM?

i just cannot believe that she thinks that little of me that i would do something like that to her. i am absolutely gutted. the thing is, TBH a lot of people don't like him (H) so it could be anyone. especially as he is always bragging all over facebook about being in a band and posting pictures of gigs etc so loads of people must know what he is up to.

OP posts:
Changing2011 · 10/03/2011 09:55

She is not a mate, YABU to be so upset! You and your DH are well rid!

scurryfunge · 10/03/2011 09:57

I wouldn't think twice about reporting them so I am not sure why you are upset. They are masking the real issue of their dishonesty with feeling aggrieved about being reported -leave then to it.

TrillianAstra · 10/03/2011 09:58

Are you all 8? "Dobbing someone in"? Hmm

Not everyone thinks that reporting someone who is breaking the law and boasting about it is a bad thing you know.

"proud of being on benefits and getting one over by getting cash in hand."

cantspel · 10/03/2011 10:00

well you should have dobbed him in or do you like leting people steal from you?

dreamingofsun · 10/03/2011 10:01

this person is stealing, you would have been right to have reported them. If there were less imoral and lazy people like them in the world it would be a much better place.

LadyThumb · 10/03/2011 10:02

I often wonder if, instead of receiving a direct payment, each benefit claimant had to go and knock on the door of (say) 5 neighbours to collect the money in cash.

Do you think that would change people's minds about benefit thieves?

TotemPole · 10/03/2011 10:05

Didn't your OH stick up for you at the time?

SpiderObsession · 10/03/2011 10:07

Very well put LadyThumb

Changing2011 · 10/03/2011 10:07

If they put as much effort into taking care of their own finances as they do in bitching and "shortlisting" their friends and rellies who might have "dobbed them in" they might find themselves with an actual job and real chance of a better lifestyle for their family. Grrrrr people like this make me angry.

neverforgethowmuchiloveyou · 10/03/2011 10:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuelleLeJeff · 10/03/2011 10:18

What did your DH say when her DH said that they suspected you? Shock

Makingaminime · 10/03/2011 10:21

is this a real post? Sad

You are upset that she "thinks so little of you?" By "so little" you apparently mean law-abiding, moralistic and willing to stand up against those who steal from the rest of the country/

Bonkers. YABU.

JaceyBee · 10/03/2011 10:26

FWIW I don't think YABU for not reporting them - I wouldn't have done either. Just personal rules I suppose. It must hurt that they suspect you, and unfortunately it may never come out who really did it so there may always be that doubt there.

All you can do is say it wasn't you, if she doesn't believe you then that's a shame but you can't help it and it isn't your fault.

TotemPole · 10/03/2011 10:43

The bloke's probably bragging and exaggerating.

If these gig's he's playing are places like pubs etc, they won't get paid that much. By the time they've split it between band members, he probably only makes a few quid a night.

Original poster
superv1xen · 10/03/2011 10:44

to the posters who asked what DH said to him, he said he stuck up for me and said that he didn't think i would never do anything like that.

and neverforget i do know where you are coming from, i do not agree with benefit fraud at all and this is one of the many reasons i dislike the bloke! but my friend has chosen him as her DH so as such i am willing to turn a blind eye as i don't want her or her DD to suffer financially. and i stand by that i don't think friends should grass eachother up.

makingaminime yes it is real, i promise, i am a regular poster :( i mean i am upset that she thinks so little of me that she would think i would try and get her into trouble.

OP posts:
Original poster
superv1xen · 10/03/2011 10:47

totem he isn't exaggerating. i know what he earns as my DH plays in a covers band too playing pubs parties and nightclubs and they usually earn between £60 and £150 per band member per night. its a good earner (although sadly in dh's case they only play once a month or so!)

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 10/03/2011 10:50

If you quite happily turn a blind eye to something when your friend is complicit in the fraud then you cannot really get upset when they drag you into their deceitful world.

TotemPole · 10/03/2011 10:51

Oh right, that's a fair amount if he's doing it regularly.

He should go onto tax credits as self employed and declare the income.

SoupDragon · 10/03/2011 10:51

Is this the same friend whose DH advised you of her pregnancy via text? Amongst other things.

ENormaSnob · 10/03/2011 10:58

Agree with scurry.

Leave the thieving rotters to it.

Original poster
superv1xen · 10/03/2011 11:07

soupdragon yes it is, the very same.

OP posts:
bupcakesandcunting · 10/03/2011 11:12

Supervixen, is this the friend who's been a bit, well, testing of late?

If so, one bit of advice; dump them. They don't sound worth the hassle IMO. So they're pee'd off that they got caught fiddling the country's books? Tough fucking SHIT mate.

Get rid. You'll feel better for it soon.

neverforgethowmuchiloveyou · 10/03/2011 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoupDragon · 10/03/2011 11:17

On the plus side, at least it's only one friend whose DH doesn't like you. I was worried there may be lots of them :o

There's nothing you can do about it. He has been ridiculously indiscreet about it so it was just a matter of time. You can just assure your friend that you had nothing to do with it and step back until she is ready to believe it.

Honeybee79 · 10/03/2011 11:20

Erm, I know that you didn't report them OP but maybe you bloody well should have done. What with them breaking the law and all.

It's entirely their problem. Tough shit to them for being dishonest in the first place.

Don't know what you're upset about - why would you want to be friends with them?