Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be v hurt that i have been suspected of dobbing someone in to the DWP?

72 replies

superv1xen · 10/03/2011 09:50

my friend and her husband live on benefits at the moment, he does some cash in hand work at weekends playing in bands (although afaik he is not doing it at the moment). he has absolutely no intention of working and is actually quite proud of being on benefits and getting one over by getting cash in hand.

anyway it became apparent yesterday via the evil facebook that someone had reported them. so i immediately messaged my friend to say, omg, whats happened, hope you're ok? kind of thing, to which she didn't reply.

i don't like her H and i don't get on with him (very long story) and the feelings mutual. i don't agree with what he does and i think he should get a job like everyone else. HOWEVER, i don't agree with reporting people and would never do it myself, even to someone i hated, let alone a friend (well he isn't my friend but obviously someone dobbing would AFFECT my friend

in the meantime, last night, my DH saw her DH as they are also in a band together and they were rehearsing. and my friends DH was speaking to my DH about it, he said they have got a "shortlist" of a few people who they suspect of grassing them up and it turns out one of those people would be me :(

i don't know what to do for the best now, part of me wants to get in touch with her to deny it but then part of me is like, well fuck her if she thinks that badly of me :( and also if i make a big fuss then that might make it look like it was me "protesting too much" IYSWIM?

i just cannot believe that she thinks that little of me that i would do something like that to her. i am absolutely gutted. the thing is, TBH a lot of people don't like him (H) so it could be anyone. especially as he is always bragging all over facebook about being in a band and posting pictures of gigs etc so loads of people must know what he is up to.

OP posts:
VajazzHands · 10/03/2011 11:29

YABU to have not reported the scroungers. How the fuck do they have the right to be angry with anyone? ANd if they are happy to announce it on FB when they get caught out I am assuming everyone knew anyway.

MissVerinder · 10/03/2011 11:40

YABU. It's theft and they should expect to be caught one way or another. The threat of detection increases with the amount of money seen to be made. It was probably another band member who actually has a job getting fed up with his lazy arsed "mate."

Original poster
superv1xen · 10/03/2011 12:17

bupcakes yes thats the one. i agree with you re dropping her as a mate, i feel like messaging her and telling her to fuck off as i don't want to be friends with someone who could suspect me of betraying her :( but before all this crap with me falling out with her DH etc, we were best friends, i have known her half my life and its so hard to just cut someone out who i was once so close to :( and i know she is completely under the influence of her H.

soupdragon lol :) no, all my other friends partners seem to like me! as they are not psycho control freaks

missverinder i would not be surprised if it was another band member as they DO all work and hate his lazy ways.

OP posts:
bupcakesandcunting · 10/03/2011 12:27

supervixen I totally understand your reluctance to cut this girl off. I had a smiliar issue to you with best friend from school. Didn't get on with her pompous DH, he didn't like her mates. It was getting uncomfortable. I made the decision to minimise contact with her after thining about it long and hard and tbh it's a relief not to have to deal with it any more. Some people change to such a degree that they aren't the person you chose to become friends with years ago. Think about it; if she came into your group as a new person, the way she is now, would you be her mate?

Glitterknickaz · 10/03/2011 12:46

Off topic, but I was wondering... those who endorse the idea of benefits claimants going to ask neighbours for the money direct.... are you generally supportive of individuals being humiliated for money?

Should the vulnerable in society ritually humiliate themselves to that they can survive?

Should people work in situations encouraging ridicule towards them to get money?

Glitterknickaz · 10/03/2011 12:48

eg.... someone in work doesn't get their wages automatically into the bank, they need to go ask for it every month.. is that ok?

bupcakesandcunting · 10/03/2011 13:00

Glitterknickaz, what are you on about?! No-one is t1ling 1bout benefits CLAIMANTS going to their neighbours but benefits CHEATS. See how comfortable they feel with stealing from people when they have to go and ask for it, I think was the point.

pumperspumpkin · 10/03/2011 13:06

Glitterknickas - you must realise that people aren't talking about humiliation, just making the payers realise they are paying - it's not to be taken literally.

Although I'm not sure what's so humiliating about asking for money to which you are entitled anyway. The window cleaner knocks on the door and doesn't seem particularly ashamed when I go and get my purse.

NinkyNonker · 10/03/2011 13:16

I don't get why it is such a horrific thing to 'dob' someone in to be honest.

He might be making it up to get a rise out of you/your DH...she might not be involved or have suggested you.

solooovely · 10/03/2011 13:49

Is this the same friend who you weren't sure whether to tell them that you didn't like their OH and he was controlling and eventually you sent her an email and then had to apologise? He stops the 2 of you from seeing each other and you think he's a shit bag and you hardly see her anymore? And you were getting married and you didn't think they would come to the wedding? Is this the same one?

solooovely · 10/03/2011 14:09

Ok well I am going to assume it is the same one . . .

I think you need to let the friendship go.

Glitterknickaz · 10/03/2011 14:12

The word claimant was used, not cheat.
Yes, I do object in the strongest terms to benefit fraud as those of us who do not have a choice get derided because of it. Just look at the instance I've highlighted here.

To the OP if a friend believes something of you that she considers 'unacceptable' (and I won't go into the morals of whether or not she's in the right or wrong) that isn't true then she isn't worth it.

lovenamechange100 · 10/03/2011 14:14

I wouldnt be friends with someone like that who is cleary committing fraud, by claiming these benefits when working IMO its worse than being a dole dosser.

I think you should have reported them, that is everyones tax money - the people who paid it and the genuine people who need benefits - that they have been enjoying.

lovenamechange100 · 10/03/2011 14:17

OP just read the bit about your mate being under the influence of DH, maybe this might wake her up a bit - it realy is socially unacceptable what she has allowed her DH to get away with too, and your worreied about being called a grass, the worries on them mate youve done nothing and they have. let it go.

veg2grow · 10/03/2011 14:20

Glad somebody reported them because I certainly don't like paying tax towards somebody who doesn't really deserve it.

And I would not think twice if I knew somebody who was stealing from the system.

Personally I would not worry about it because soon enough you will have both moved on.

solooovely · 10/03/2011 14:21

I don't think the issue here is whether or not it is morally correct to do what this man is doing (benefit fraud). It is more to do with the friendship which seems no longer exsist anymore anyway.

BooBooGlass · 10/03/2011 14:24

But supervixen, I well remember a thread relating to you getting your HA house while not declaring you had a dp. Has stuck in my mind for ages that one. So horses for courses

NonnoMum · 10/03/2011 14:30

Just stop hanging out with benefit cheats.

GypsyMoth · 10/03/2011 14:31

its not the man comitting benefit fraud....they are both doing it!!

why is this friend letting him do this supervixen??

why is she claiming benefits illegally?

the fraud is her fault too....very,very much in fact!

actually, are they claiming as a couple....or is she claiming to be single having had him move in and not declare it???

lovenamechange100 · 10/03/2011 14:36

If you claimed HA as suggested then you make me sick making out your the injured party by a situation when you yourself have done the same in relation to the issue of claiming.

It really pisses me off you are just as bad for condoning it and possibly doing it previously when there are many struggling Angry you all deserve each other you theives - get on with

What a bloody cheek Angry

solooovely · 10/03/2011 15:09

I wish everyone would stop going on about the benefit fraud, yes it bad, yes it's illegal, we all know that!

The issue is that OPs friend and her partner are determined to think badly of the OP (whether grassing them up is justified or not, as in their minds it isn't) and that partner is trying to destroy the friendship because he is controlling. It doesn't really matter if she DID grass them up or not. If it wasn't this it would be something else he would be blaming her for.

FabbyChic · 10/03/2011 15:15

As an aside does your husband declare his band earnings to the tax man? Does he pay monthly contributions for his stamp as he is self-employed?

iamabadger · 10/03/2011 15:15

They both sound a bit mad. But, and I don't mean this to be offensive, are the other members of the band who DO work paying tax on the gig money?

freshmint · 10/03/2011 15:18

why do you want to be friends with a liar with a horrid husband?

say ````'no I didn't report you, but I'm not sure why, I should have done" and don't bother with them again

Original poster
superv1xen · 10/03/2011 15:28

erm what the hell are some posters on about saying i have committed some kind of benefit fraud myself?? Confused

do link to that thread where i said i had a HA house and not declared i had a dp boobooglass - oh sorry you can't as it doesn't exist Confused

i got my HA house when i was a single mum!!

and i dont claim a penny in benefits as i declared when my partner moved in (who is now my husband) the only thing we get is a bit of working tax credit. and its perfectly legitimate, we are ENTITLED as most working families are.

how dare you!

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread