Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think people should offer petrol money?

68 replies

34go · 08/03/2011 21:25

I genuinely want to hear opinions here- I think that if someone is regularly giving you a lift somewhere (not a one off), even if they're going there anyway, they should offer petrol money. Just as a token gesture, even though the driver (you) would probably just say oh no don't worry about it.... but is this unreasonable? My DH thinks it is. If everyone else thinks it is, then I'm happy to back down!
Here are three poss situations:
a) you give someone a lift to a baby music group you are both going to, even though picking her and her dc up takes you half way round the ring road in the other direction(twice)
b) you give someone a lift in to work one or two days a week. Obviously you would have to go there anyway but then again without your lift this person would have to make their own way.
c) ySomeone gives you a lift to work a couple of times when it is snowing, very kindly and involving them going out of their way.
Is getting moody about petrol money Ok if you are skint but not Ok if you are not? Or is it just a sign of being a passive aggressive kind of a person to sulk about petrol money?
What are the 'rules' for this??!

OP posts:
Vallhala · 08/03/2011 21:27

I wouldn't ask or expect if I were the driver but I'd certainly offer if I were the passenger.

BaroqueAroundTheClock · 08/03/2011 21:28

I'd always offer.

LadyOfTheManor · 08/03/2011 21:29

I'd never ask but I always offer.

I ferry a friend around fairly often, she doesn't offer but I don't really expect her to, and wouldn't take it.

itsalarf · 08/03/2011 21:29

I think if it is a one off or very occasional it's fine not to. Especially if they sometimes return the favour. If it's regular, such as several days a week, people definitely should give money because even if they are not going out of their way, the person giving the lift have all the costs of running the car. YANBU. It would annoy me.

StealthPolarBear · 08/03/2011 21:32

i think it's complicated but comes down to things like whether the driver offered or passenger asked, whether there is any expectation (e.g. if driver can't do it for some reason do they ahve to tell passenger, or does passenger have to check whether they can get a lift each time?), how much of a pain driving is... etc

BristolJim · 08/03/2011 21:32

No, I wouldn't offer petrol money. I'm not using a taxi service, but I would buy the coffee as a thank you and karmic leveller.

HecateTheCrone · 08/03/2011 21:34

I think it is very rude to not offer.

I think if someone gives you a lift on regular basis they deserve chocolate once in a while.

And if someone is going out of their way to give you a lift you should actually try to give them petrol money! Not just an offer you think they'll say no to. and if they do say no, you should do something nice for them. a gift or something.

I think that if someone can't afford the petrol to go round the ring road all those extra times, then they should just say so. Petrol is close to £1.40 a ltr, it's understandable. it all adds up.

It is never ok to sulk. if someone has a problem, they should say so. sulking is childish.

rules are simple - don't take the piss.

VinoEsmeralda · 08/03/2011 21:36

If I was to get a lift to a toddler class I would buy a small token gift per term (3 times a year, small plant or choccies). Work colleagues - petrol money..

Was what my parents did and it doesnt need to be expensive but it makes people more willing to help you if you are being seen as appreciative

Heroine · 08/03/2011 21:37

It depends on lots of factors - if really good friends, and you are being nice in the car to them and offering to buy lunch, no. If you don't know them that well and it is a real favour, yes. If friends and are all near/over 40 only offer if driver is obviously poor/low wage in comparison to you or having difficulties, as offering at these ages seems like you are insulting them for stinginess, in teens/20s/early 30s then its part of establishing trust and equality in relationships so always offer at least, or get something back for them...

ModreB · 08/03/2011 21:38

When I worked fulltime, I picked up a part time worker (who was also a friend) 3 times a week to give a lift to work.

On the days that I was alone, I paid for parking all day.

When I picked her up, she paid for the parking on the grounds that she would have had to pay bus fare if I didn't pick her up. She also took me out to lunch once a month.

I didn't ask for petrol money.

Original poster
34go · 08/03/2011 21:38

Hecate, I think the problem is that I am sulking and it's very bad because it is sooo babyish, but I don't want to ask because it's not actually about the money IYSWIM, it's about the offer itself?

OP posts:
PaperView · 08/03/2011 21:38

If you offer a lift whether it's regular or not, you should not expect petrol money.

I get a regular lift somewhere - they offered, i haven;t offered petrol money (they pass anyway) but i do other things to help them out that they would otherwise have to pay out for (typing type things, minor computer 'stuff')

frgr · 08/03/2011 21:38

I think that rules about this, if it becomes regular, are best defined.

None of this "I'm all upset because they don't offer" thing - without having actually verbalised that expectation. Either vocalise those thoughts, or stop giving the lifts.

I can see why you think it's rude - personally I would always offer Smile

but I think in those situations it's best to be 100% clear about what is being expected - don't sit silently fuming about it because they haven't offered. on the other hand you said you'd deny any payment, so I'm a bit confused. you're basically mad that they haven't offered a token gesture. But then maybe they know you'd refuse and they don't want to embarass you (if they think you might take it as an insult to be so business like about the transaction). Whatever the case, it's a minefield - if you don't like what's happened (them not offering), stop doing it, consider they're a bit rude, and move on :)

Heroine · 08/03/2011 21:39

(but I have to say, I like giving lifts, btoh for the company and challenge (earlier starts ) and because so many people have been nice to me in my life out of their way, I feel good about being able to pay the universe back!

frgr · 08/03/2011 21:40

p.s. I would not offer in Situation C above since it's been offered without asking and is a one-off freak occurance, so no. not that case.

the other two i would, in fact in most situations i would, as i said. just to clarify!

IAmTheCookieMonster · 08/03/2011 21:41

them: "please can I have a lift to blah"
me: "yes of course, but i'll need petrol money"
them: "oh yes of course"

If you don't ask you don't get

Original poster
34go · 08/03/2011 21:42

You're so right Heroine early starts are awful on your own, but I agree with you and BristolJim that it's a karmic thing.. but I am giving out bad karma vibes in my head and yes fgr it is very Confused because essentially I am a bot peeved at not receiving a token gesture!! I think my karma will be to have a permanent cat's bum mouth! But I am pleased that the consensus seems to be that a token offer is the norm!

OP posts:
Original poster
34go · 08/03/2011 21:43

Iamthecookiemonster Good assertiveness training- that is definitely the tack I am taking in future!

OP posts:
EveryonesJealousOfGingers · 08/03/2011 21:44

OP I know exactly what you mean, it is the principle, you don't actually want cash, or even extreme gratitude, just recognition that you are going so far out of your way and that in fact they should offer!

frgr · 08/03/2011 21:44

well i will say i disagree with you on one thing - the early morning starts!

when i had a car i gave a lift to a work colleague (don't work directly with him but had driven past him at the bus stop, felt bad) for about 3 months. but after a couple of weeks of having to make small chat, feeling the need to put on my "professional" face an hour earlier than i'd been used to - i ended up having to get out of it by saying it wasn't convenient any more!!

(he wasn't paying me petrol money as he literally lived on the road I used to drive down, so no detour at all, but he did offer - which i guess is relevant to this thread!)

itsalarf · 08/03/2011 21:47

I know someone who has had a lift three days a week for fifteen years. In that situation, they should pay as they have saved a small fortune in train fares, as well as saving lots of time, and car running costs.

HecateTheCrone · 08/03/2011 21:47

an offer shows you are appreciated.

of course, if they are thanking you, then they are also showing you that they appreciate. if they are jsut taking your lift for granted then they are being rude.

I bet you do actually feel a bit like a taxi!

If you feel resentful because you feel like they are taking you for granted - then stop giving lifts.

Hassled · 08/03/2011 21:49

I'm interested in this as the mother of one of DS2's friend regularly gives DS2 a lift - once a week, to a sporting thing. She'd be taking her DS there anyway, our house is on her route. I can't reciprocate - a) can't drive and b) have DS3 to consider.

Anyway, I give her a bottle of wine and/or brownies on a regular basis - every couple of weeks -, but I've been fretting about the petrol thing. Stuffing a tenner in her hand seems a bit - I dunno, a bit off. But maybe I should.

OP - you're right, it's not clear-cut but if it's an issue you need to ask. I sort of wish my lift woman would just ask.

LionRock · 08/03/2011 21:49

It's nice to feel appreciated and part of offering to pay petrol money or offering some other acknowledgement is a nice thing to do. Feeling like you are being taken for granted is not a nice thing.

If it became a regular lift then I think it's an odd friendship if the other person doesn't reciprocate the favour somehow, whether that's petrol money or something else.

Spero · 08/03/2011 21:55

The best advice my dad ever gave me was 'don't take people for granted'.

If you are getting a regular benefit from someone and giving nothing back then you are taking the piss.

But equally, if you think someone is taking the piss and you do nothing about it, you are NOT allowed to stew and feel resentful. Either ask or let it go.

Also, sometimes I am steaming about so and so's selfishness... then I remember that actually they did something really nice for me a few weeks ago that I had forgotten about so it was just the karmic wheel turning.

Swipe left for the next trending thread