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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - being a bridesmaid

28 replies

sparkleshine · 05/03/2011 18:05

Posted a while ago about being a little upset that DP sister hadn't asked me to be bridesmaid at her wedding next year. Been with DP 10 years, so obviously known her since the start and we get along well even though we don't socialise outside family as friends.

Anyway back then she said I could go dress shopping with her, which I happily excepted. She has already been and done this without me there which I was again secretly upset/ pissed about.

I got a look at the dress this week when she went to get fitted and asked if I wanted to see.

DP and I have no plans to get married as yet (maybe never) and whilst in dress shop she casually said that I'd be next. When I replied it wasn't likely, she said we should as she can't wait to be a bridesmaid at our wedding and talked about colours and types she would like for the dress.
I didn't really know what to say but again repeated that it wasn't going to happen anytime soon.

AIBU that I'm thinking she's being a little cheeky to expect she would be a bridesmaid of my choice, given that I didn't even get a look in with hers.
Or is this just petty in my part? TBH I would ask her anyway, it just grated me at the time and still does.

OP posts:
BeerTricksPotter · 05/03/2011 18:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hammy02 · 05/03/2011 18:09

She sounds a bit bonkers. No-one should ever assume they are going to be someone's bridesmaid..especially someone that didn't ask them to be their own bridesmaid!

RunAwayWife · 05/03/2011 18:13

If you do get married do not ask her to be your bridesmaid, it is not petty at all

Ihavewelliesbuttheyrenotgreen · 05/03/2011 18:13

TBH I don't know if she is being particularly unreasonable. I think that its more likely for someone to expect to be a bridesmaid at the brother's wedding than at their partner's sister's.

cookielove · 05/03/2011 18:18

It is cheeky that she is assuming that she will be a bridesmaid at your wedding if it does happen, and it is not petty for you to not let her, i wouldn't assume that my brothers gf would want me as her bridesmaid, for one thing i have never met her and we live in different countrys, but thats not the point.

She clearly thinks she can her way no matter what the situation

LionRock · 05/03/2011 18:19

It sounds like she's focussed on herself just now and is used to others following suit. Daft but I've seen people who are normally tactful and thoughtful behave in this way when it comes to their weddings.

The only thing I would say though is.... if you sort-of expected to be her bridesmaid then maybe that's why she sort-of expects to be yours. Presumably you are pretty friendly with each other. It doesn't explain why she didn't ask you (or tell you her reasons for choosing others) but maybe she feels she has a good reason to have chosen whomever she did and that your mind-reading skills mean you are aware of those reasons?

As an aside, IME being a bridesmaid can be over-rated. I've known of non-bridesmaids to be more involved with wedding prep and bridesmaids just turning up on the day and wearing a dress that someone else chose for them. If you want to be more involved with the wedding then if you show you're interested and happy to talk about it all the time maybe she'll respond?

RunnerHasbeen · 05/03/2011 18:21

I would say that, although cheeky, I can see why she would assume that she would be a bridesmaid for you. It isn't the same as not asking you, as her brother would be getting married. I had DHs sister but would never expect her to have me - a sister of one of the couple usually does get chosen. I wouldn't have considered my DBs girlfriend unless we were really close friends as well.

YANBU to think it cheeky but there is a chance your DP has already mentioned it, years ago even. My DH had always told his much younger sister she could be his bridesmaid, even before I was on the scene (any time she wasn't asked by other family members for example).

cat64 · 05/03/2011 18:32

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cat64 · 05/03/2011 18:33

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fluffygal · 05/03/2011 18:52

I never had OH's sister as my bridesmaid, didn't even cross my mind to, so she is being unreasonable to expect to be bridesmaid for you.

LionRock · 05/03/2011 19:08

I've never heard of this idea that the groom's sister is likely to be asked as a bridesmaid. IME the bride chooses her bridesmaids and the groom chooses his attendants. For the groom to suggest to his sister that she'll one day be his bridesmaid scares the pants off me, similarly to me telling my brother that he could one day be a best man! I'd expect bridesmaids to be chosen from the bride's sisters / female cousins / close friends.

overthehillmum · 05/03/2011 19:14

When I got married my sister in law was really annoyed that she wasn't asked, she had got married a couple of years before and hadn't asked me, even though I had been with her brother longer than she had known her intended. She turned up at the wedding in an outfit that pretty much screamed look at me, jumped onto the dance floor a minute after we took to the floor for the first dance and was a complete pain for the whole day....I think that its just a sister of the husband thing...we didn't even get on!!

overthehillmum · 05/03/2011 19:14

Oh, I forgot, her family all gave her and her husband a round of applause as they got up to dance....bunch of weirdos....

Original poster
sparkleshine · 05/03/2011 19:27

Thanks for your opinions ladies.
I understand I shouldn't have expected to have been asked, but would like to think she at least thought of me, maybe she did and changed her mind, I'm not sure really.

Her best friend, fiance's sister, her Goddaughter (a cousin's daughter) and a cousin we never see are going to be the bridesmaids. She wasn't sure whether to even ask her cousin or not but felt it would be 'rude' not to. Is this a valid reason to be a bridesmaid before chossing her own brothers partner?

It just felt awkward really when she was talking about being a bridesmaid, especially as she seemed keen I try a dress on there and then and look at bridesmaid dresses she could wear.
I thought it was the brides job to decide, not just presume you will be because her brother is getting married. What if we didn't get along, would she still presume?

Im overthinking this too much, I know Blush

OP posts:
BabyDubsEverywhere · 05/03/2011 19:38

i find this crazy, i dont know of any grown woman who would like to be a bridesmaid, isnt that just for little girls really, and the odd sister/best friend get dragged in to walk back down the isle with the best man? no? Crazy! Confused

Needanewname · 05/03/2011 19:46

I can see why you're miffed but really don;t worry about it. As you say its not likely to happen any time soon.

If and when it does, if you would like her to be bridesmaid - ask her, if not, don't. If she gets upset and has a go just laugh and treat it like a joke.

Dont; sweat about something you don;t even think is going to happen!

LionRock · 05/03/2011 19:48

The bride sounds a bit odd just now. I mean, encouraging you to try on bridegowns when you're not engaged? Presumably you may want to try one on for the first time with your mum or your own sisters / friends / whomever anyway. She seems bonkers about weddings just now.

Also, given who she did choose as bridesmaids I'm not surprised that you were left wondering what's going on.

Hopefully if/when you do get married you'll not give into any guilt trips to have her as a bridesmaid. Perhaps it'd be easier if whenever it comes up now, you brush it off quickly rather than just ignoring the comment and hoping she forgets about it.

JenniPenni · 05/03/2011 20:04

It never crossed my mid to ask my DH's sister to be a bridesmaid. I asked MY sister and MY friend... as he asked HIS brother and HIS friend, not my brothers.

Don't worry about it, or give it any thought. Honestly. It's none of her business who you end up asking anyway.

lalalonglegs · 05/03/2011 20:16

Why do women over the age of 12 want to be or care about being bridesmaids? Seriously - why?

Gottakeepchanging · 05/03/2011 20:24

Lalalonglegs- I so agree. I just don't get any adult bridesmaids.

As my daughter says it's the height of chav!

Original poster
sparkleshine · 05/03/2011 20:37

Ok so TBH being a bridesmaid isn't that much of a huge thing to me really. I'm very overweight and don't feel the like bridesmaid type, so would feel uncomfortable walking down the aisle with the 4 other size 8-12 girls and size 10 bride.
But I'm also thinking this is one of the reasons why she hasn't thought to ask me. I would be an embarrassment and look out of place??? (Am losing the weight though btw)

We are good friends, so it's not like I'm saying it because I'm her brothers partner. But I would ask her to be mine, because we are friends, not due to her being DP sister.
It's irritated me that she kind of pointed it out, even the colour theme she liked

Oh I am going mad aren't I?

OP posts:
create · 05/03/2011 20:48

Personally I'd see it as a lucky escape to to have been asked/not feel obliged to be her bridesmaid, but I do think it would be a bit more usual for you to ask your future DH's sister, than for her to ask her brother's girlfriend TBH

aurorastargazer · 05/03/2011 20:54

fwiw my sister is getting married next year and has asked my dd to be flower girl. she has not asked me to be bridesmaid however and nor has she asked if my partner of 6 months and his son would like to go. hmmph. i realise it is her wedding but it still grates. my dd, who will be 7 when sis gets married, will be expected to walk up the aisle on her own - a daunting prospect for anyone let alone a 7 year old

cookielove · 05/03/2011 21:11

sparkleshine - each to there own in wanting to be a bridesmaid or having them at weddings.

I think it would be irritating to be told what colour theme she liked, if she was saying this is the colour she wants to wear, instead of a suggestion for you to try.

I am getting married in 2012, and plan to have 4 bridesmaid and 2 flower girls, i have no issues with imput from any of them, i also don't agree with what some people have posted about only young girls would want to be a bridesmaid, it obviously isn't true, i was a willing bridesmaid, and i know all my bridesmaid are happy to be one for me.

Ihavewelliesbuttheyrenotgreen · 05/03/2011 21:57

Perhaps the fact that her Fiance's sister is going to be her bridesmaid got her thinking that should we automatically be yours. Also is your DP involved in her wedding in some way, usher etc? This may have got her thinking about this too. Maybe talking about your (hypothetical) wedding was a way (on her part) of trying to focus on you in something that was all about her. Unfortunately she couldn't get weddings off the brain Grin