to not want to learn to drive?

[cheezywotsitsrule]

Got a provisional after DH persuaded me to for extra ID. I agreed but I hate the idea of driving, never wanted to even when 17 but DH has always mentioned how much driving would help me with confidence as i'm a very shy person. As soon as received the provisional he decided to get me a car as it would spur me on with wanting to drive. I hated the idea as origially just to use as ID but now I think he has seen the green light as me wanting to learn, I went with him and tried to look not interested but after 2 weeks of looking at every car lot and website near us I finally gave in and got one. Then he booked lessons for me. Im now comming up to my 4 lessons and dont know how I got from ok need another form of ID to doing lessons where I break down crying at the thought of it. Have tried to tell my DH me fears and horror at learning but just said that eveyone feels this way. I can see how much freedom it would give me and would be able to travel further to get a job as wanting to go back to work after being SAHM. I just feel so tricked into doing something I hate. Am I being unreasonable?

I think you're maybe being unreasonable thinking your husband has tricked you. He sounds fab - he's given you loads of support and encouragement to do something that is a basic, necessary skill for most people. I also think he's right in that it may make you more confident. I understand your fear, but really, the only way to get over that it is to tackle it face on. You should think of how much more independent you'll be once you can drive, rather than how scary it feels now. Of course, you could go your whole life without driving, if you don't mind being permanently reliant on other people (or public transport). What if you didn't have a husband to drive you around?

No,yaNbu it is ok to be afraid. I am afraid we kind of did the same thing as your husband, to our youngest son. His grandparents signed him up for his birthday. We all knew he was putting it off, and we knew if it came from the grandparents, he wouldn't want to say no thanks. He was quite nervous, but my dh took him around in the car several times before the lessons, in a large empty parking lot, and it helped. He gained more confidence each lesson. He has been driving several years now, and is an excellent and confident driver.
I bet you will gain confidence too. Are you having classroom lessons and road lessons?
It is good to have the ability to drive, in case of emergency. I cannot drive, as I have a seizure disorder, but I would love to have that independence. Good luck!

Oh, I should mention, ds's gf was not wanting to drive, also nervous, she was nervous of cars after being hit by one. But after ds began to drive, he talked to her and she took lessons and just bought herself a car 2 weeks ago. She is really glad she did it.

I am on the opposite side to the previous posters. If you really hate the idea of driving, don't do it.
I have been doing it for more than 30 years and love the freedom it gives me, I can't imagine not being able to drive. the OP OTOH, sounds terrified.
Can you speak to your lovely sounding DH about how you feel?
I am a bit puzzled by the idea of having a licence as additional ID. Is it necessary in England now?

Sounds to me like your DH did trick you - although he means well by it. Maybe you need to have a think about why it is you feel so ambivalent about driving? You know it will give you additional freedom, yet dread and fear it.

I only recently started driving again and had to have lots of lessons as I am such a rubbish driver. I like to think my DP wouldn't let me drive because he was concerned about DD not the car! When we first got together I refused to let us have a car; we have always lived in cities and I love public transport. However DP's parents who live some distance away are both quite poorly and in the end they kindly bought us a car and it does make life lots easier.

I started trying to drive again a couple of years ago; I dreaded the lessons as I felt like an idiot careering round in a tin box which could kill people. Although I am bossy and totally in charge of most of my life, for years I've been struggling to get into a proper job and my poor driving ability felt like proof that I was rubbish after all. I had a miscarriage and put the driving lessons aside, then last year I finally had some time and money and went back to them. I am a bit more at peace with my difficulties getting work and able to feel less like I want to be the Perfect Driver and more like I just want to be able to take DD to her swimming lessons easily. (Bus stops running before her lesson ends.)

Only thing is - I used to agree with DP when he grumbled about how other useless drivers were making things difficult, now I have to bite my tongue and not tell him he's the one who's driving badly!

My advice, look for a driving instructor who makes you feel better about yourself, who is sympathetic to your anxieties. Maybe a woman instructor would be better? I know I didn't like being in a small space with a man I didn't know very well. As I got to know my instructor I became happier about driving and even looked forward to my lessons.

Take it easy

I am exactly like you with driving and unlike other people I am not going to tell you to pull yourself together ! As an adult you do not have to force yourself to do something you hate and makes you scared. Also other adults should not treat you like a child. I think that some people just do find driving difficult and I think that is JUST FINE !

I don't drive. My husband can but choose not to. We have enough money to have and run two cars but choose not to. We are both confident educated people, we have two children and it is NOT A PROBLEM !

In fact it is more than just not a problem it is something I am positively proud of and the children too. I completely disagree that your husband is being kind. I think he is bullying you.

Forsythia, I think I agree with you, cheezywotsits' husband sounds like he might be bullying her. Cheezywotsits - don't put yourself through driving lessons or anthing else that you don't enjoy and that make your confidence worse not better.

I am exactly like you about driving. I was before I passed my test, all the way through my lessons and even now I have passed. I passed in 2005 and havent driven since early 2006. I have to start doing it again and I am petrified. I would rather dp anything than drive but I am applying for a job in a few years that I will need it for. Good luck and try not to panic. I get really worried about it and thats my problem, its totally irrational but I cant help it.

As someone whose partner doesn't drive (although he's finally after years of nagging has signed up for lessons) I can only say that being the only driver is sometimes very annoying, so i can totally understand him.

YABU... The level of anxiety and suspicion you are demonstrating does not sound like a normal adult reaction. Some people don't enjoy driving. Some people find it difficult. Others are nervous in heavy traffic. Quite a lot don't get on with their driving instructor.

Rather than giving in and letting your fears exclude you from learning a useful skill.. why not get a different instructor, one that will make you feel more relaxed? And if the whole thing still terrifies you... ask yourself if your 'shyness' isn't more serious than you're admitting.

YANBU -- I think your DH has been a bit disrespectful of your wishes not to learn to drive.

And driving didn't help me feel less shy!!! I enjoy driving and have been doing so for over 13 years!

Would being able to drive make your life easier, would it help you get around more, shorten your conmmute, allow you to go more places? Because if you don't think it would then stop the lessons - no law that says you HAVE to drive!

I love the freedom of being able to jump in the car, and going off somewhere and taking DS off visiting far flung friends and family. And shopping is so much easier than having to lug lodas of heavy bags on the bus! But it is not the be all and end of all existence.

Your DH sounds really lovely and supportive - even if he has got carried away a bit.

Don't drive if you don't want to though, however it may make life much easier and open up opportunities for you and your family.

I would get really fed up at always being the driver so that may be why your DH is heavily encouraging you.

Whilst it may not make much difference while DCs are small, once they get to teens they need ferrying around all over and public transport won't always run at times and to places that they need / want to go to.

If it weren't for me being a driver, DD wouldn't be able to go to 3 of her activities and DS wouldn't get to any.

Actually you also think about what would happen if DH could no longer drive / wasn't around.

My DMs friend recently lost her DH - whilst she did pass her test she chose not to drive as her DH always did it and is now feeling very isolated and overwhelmed.

My DM has never driven and my Ddad had a condition that means he may need to stop driving soon - they live in a small village in the arse end of nowhere so if it weren't for me and dsis being around to help they would need to consider moving closer to amenities.

I think it sounds like you have a phobia of driving. I was the same. I had lessons on and off between the ages of 17 and 30. I hated driving. I dreaded every lesson. I could actually visualise myself crashing my car. I hated taking tests even more, with every fail I wondered why I was putting myself through it. Then I found the moat amazing female instructor. I told her I hated driving, but everyone thought I should do it. I knew I needed to do it. Anyway, finally, I passed on my 5th test at the grand old age of 30, and it did change my life! The first 12 months of being a driver were not easy, I was a wreck, and hated driving to new places, hated motorways even more! Now, nearly 5 years later I can honestly say I love it.

My advice is find a good instructor, tell them your thoughts about driving - they will help you, and stick with it. You'll get there

It really is a life skill.

My Dad died in 2009 and my Mum lives 80 miles away, she doesn't drive, if she did it would be so much easier all round.

It sounds like he was just trying to encourage you.

It is very scary learning to drive, I was very nervous when I did it and for ages after I got my licence but I'm so glad I did.

It can be very restrictive not being able to drive, just things like not being able to visit other people on Christmas day as there is NO other means of transport can be a huge pain in the arse. Not only for you but for the people who then have to come and pick you up. But I'm sure you know all this already.

Why not just give the lessons a go, no one can force you to keep going.

Just for the record though, I think it is good to push ourselves to do things we find scary sometimes, otherwise we'd (me) never do anything new!

I'm inclined to agree woth most of the answers here that suggest you try a different instructor. I was a really nervous learner driver, but received loads of support from my husband. The day I passed my driving test (on the first attempt!) was very liberating.

As someone else has pointed out, being the only driver in a household is somewhat annoying and I can see your OH's point of view. My friend's husband doesn't drive, doesn't want to and won't learn. One Christmas my friend had to get her daughter out of bed so that she could drive her husband to his workplace to sort out a small emergency. She wasn't very happy about it.

Both OH and I drive and it means that we can share the driving on long journeys, I can take DD to the doctor/dentist/hospital/parties/swimming when OH is away, I can get back to school from work quickly if DD is ill, I can take DD for day trips out to museums etc during the school holidays, I could take DD to toddler groups when she was smaller, I can get to work in half an hour instead of an hour and a half using public transport, we can visit OH's family (who live in a very rural area with poor public transport links), I can do a weeks worth of supermarket shopping on my own, I can take my plastic bottles/excess rubbish to the recycling centre, carry heavy bags of compost and plants back from the gardening centre etc, etc, etc. I can do all of this without having to rely on someone else.

We live in a rural area with a not very frequent bus service and rail service. Both mine and DD's social lives would be just about non existant if I couldn't drive.

If you live in a town with excellent local services and public transport infrastructure then maybe it isn't necessary to be able to drive, after all, I never learned when I lived in the London area.

It's hard because modern life revolves around driving and owning your own car. We don't have a car and it can make life difficult sometimes, for example my son lives in one of those vast housing new towns that are planned on the assumption that everyone has access to a car. Visiting him seems harder than getting from Wales to London. Otherwise we pretty much get around ok, especially as we have a new Trainline to the nearest city.

There are times when I wish I could just jump into a car and go for a walk on the beach, rather the two trains and walk it would take me but on the whole I'm happy not to drive.

Oh by the way, I have tried a couple of times but just hated it, especially being stuck in close proximity to someone who wouldn't shut up and let me concentrate! The last woman instructor said drive to local village, I have to pick up a birthday cake, and then showed the very tasteful iced penis and balls confection for her friends 40th.
So as a side issue, who do find instructors you can bear to be with.

I also hate emptying the dishwasher, I really do not want to do it. I am an emetophobe, so really dont want to deal with kids being sick. I also hate taking the rubbish out, and shovelling snow. Window cleaning is also a pet hate of mine.

But guess what.....

I am a grown up. I do it because it is necessary.

I would also be pretty pissed off if my dh refused to do any of the above, because "he hated it".

If you are every in a position where you ask your dh to drop you off, or you need to drive somewhere as a family, then you should learn and take part in the driving. (Like you would expect him to empty the dishwasher or take the rubbish out). If it is important for your family that HE drives, then it is also important that you drive. If none of you really dont need to drive, then fair enough, dont bother.

I was terrified of driving after having a driving accident in Scotland. I did not drive for many years. I was absolutely terrified. Until I found myself in a position where dh was away for months, and I had a small child, and needed to get places. I had to swallow my fear and book some refresher lessons. But boy was I scared to start with. It can be overcome.

YANBU if you don't want to do it then it is your choice!

My mum did this to me too, she bouvght me my provisional and booked me 12 lessons for my 21st birthday because I had no interest in driving.

That was almost 4 years ago and I toook 28 lessons in total because I just could not build up my confidence so I gave up.

Sometimes I want to learn but most of the time I get by walking/public transport or the odd lift from my mum if she offers.

Don't get me wrong if I had the money I would do it but lessons are too expensive so it's just not for me I guess.

Each to their own, if you really don't want to do it then don't because if you are set against it you will just never get into your head properly!

I think anyone who learned early in life needs to take a running jump when it comes to telling others that their fears are irrational or childish. In fact, it's the opposite. As an adult, you have lots of rational fears about being an inexperienced driver in a killing machine that reflect your responsbilities as an adult.

I have been learning to drive for about a year and have taken four tests. I did lessons at 17 but we were having tough times financially and I couldn't maintain lessons or insurance on a car, a fact which pretty much remained the same until I was working about 5 years. The difference between learning when I was 17 and as a 30 something is tremendous and I was a much less confident, self-assured person at 17. The consequences of making mistakes on the road are much more clear. Also, I've been with a number of instructors and when they do talk down to you e.g. "what would your friends think if they say you do that?" it is soul destroying. At 17, you are used to being talked down to. Also, now I NEED to drive the pressure is ridiculous. I was told in August I was ready to pass a test but I get so nervous on the test now because I am so desperate for it - if I was a 17 year old, I fully believe I'd have passed first time. Too much riding on it now.

Unless you've been an adult trying to learn to drive, it's really difficult to extrapolate from a person's fear that it is "not normal". It's bloody normal but I do think you should try - for yourself, not your dh. Being a non-driver is a royal PITA though I think many of us convince ourselves it's not such a big deal. But when you stand at the bus stop on a freezing cold winter's morning for the gazillionth time and watch the cosy car drivers drive by listening to their favourite music etc, it's hard to argue against the benefits of driving..

I started learning at age 32 and it took me 4 years! (partly because no-one in the household drove so I just never went in cars)
I went through all sorts of stages of terror but the fact is that the more you do it, the better you get, and the better you get the easier it becomes. I only drive at the weekend now, but to get to certain places there's just no other way.

The first time I went to Bluewater (we were living in SE London) I felt so proud and happy! We'd previously been there by train and it was a nightmare. Is there somewhere you'd love to go on your own that you can only get to by car? That could help motivate you.

I agree with QS that if you ever need to get anywhere by car, you should be sharing the driving rather than assuming it's someone else's job to drive you about. Also, as another sole driver, I echo the point that being the driver gives you a whole load of work to do that the non-driver in the house usually completely ignores - which isn't fair.

Also, change instructors - get a woman if that would help. If it takes you even half as long as it took me, that's a lot of hours in the car and they should be spent with someone who helps you feel comfortable.

Good luck - you can do it! (if I can, seriously, anyone can)

working9while5 I xposted with you - I agree, and friends who learnt when young do too - it's very very hard when you are older, because you've spent years hearing peoples near-miss stories and you don't believe you are invincible as you do at 17. I will try and persuade DD to do it at 21 (not at 17, might not be sensible enough) but not as old as I was when I did it.

It's also soul-destroying to come back from a 2-hour driving lesson on a deserted industrial estate, exhausted, and you know you have months if not years to go before being on the road, and all you can think is "but EVERYONE else can drive!" which is what's in your mind as an older learner. If you were learning anything else you could feel that you did well or made progress.

I too HAD to learn, basically my employer fiddled a car allowance to give my the salary I asked for, then a new regime came in and wouldn't pay for train tickets. I had 6 months to pass the test or lose £4k or so off my salary - I did it with about 3 days to spare (luckily I was 3.5 years into the process...). Best of luck working!

YANBU. My DH did the same- encouraged me, even bought me a car, but I have a terror of driving and after four years of on/off lessons and thousands of pounds, we have put the idea to bed. I am out of my comfort zone and terrified- this does not make me a safe driver IMO.

I happily walk everywhere and use public transport and never expect others to drive me around. There are too many cars on the road anyway. See it as doing your bit for teh environment and enevr feel guilty about the odd cab fare.

Thanks! I always love to hear success stories! I agree about the "everyone else can drive!" feeling! Another thing is people who can cracking jokes about it and viewing it as quaint and a bit ditzy that you can't when you are spending every single spare penny of cash on it and their mummies and daddies paid for theirs and insured them on a car at 17! Also when you ARE having lessons and people say things like: "you really need to learn to drive" or they ask how long your commute is (3 hours each way) and then they say things like "well you know what you need to do, you need to pass your test so just get on with it!" Yes, like 2 hourly lessons at nearly £50 a pop isn't trying hard enough. I've actually started to be quite shirty with people's comments and say quietly but firmly: "it's a bit of a sensitive topic for me, it uses up a lot of my cash so I'd rather not joke about it, thanks".

One day.. one day..