to not want to learn to drive?

[cheezywotsitsrule]

Got a provisional after DH persuaded me to for extra ID. I agreed but I hate the idea of driving, never wanted to even when 17 but DH has always mentioned how much driving would help me with confidence as i'm a very shy person. As soon as received the provisional he decided to get me a car as it would spur me on with wanting to drive. I hated the idea as origially just to use as ID but now I think he has seen the green light as me wanting to learn, I went with him and tried to look not interested but after 2 weeks of looking at every car lot and website near us I finally gave in and got one. Then he booked lessons for me. Im now comming up to my 4 lessons and dont know how I got from ok need another form of ID to doing lessons where I break down crying at the thought of it. Have tried to tell my DH me fears and horror at learning but just said that eveyone feels this way. I can see how much freedom it would give me and would be able to travel further to get a job as wanting to go back to work after being SAHM. I just feel so tricked into doing something I hate. Am I being unreasonable?

OP, forget about the stress of the lessons for a moment and ask yourself do you actually want to be able to drive?

If you want to be able to drive, then you could try another instructor as has been suggested previously -dsis had about 5 instructors til she found someone she was comfortable with and then everything clicked.

If you don't want to be able to drive and you are able to live fully and independently without being able to drive then I really would tell your DH that you want to sell the car.

Yes a good instructor makes all the difference.

YANBU. I feel very uncomfortable with the way your DH has gone about booking you lessons. You're an adult and should be able to make the decision whether you want to learn or not.

I am currently taking lessons, but I definitely find it far more stressful than the average learner, have already taken hundreds of lessons. I am a single parent so unfortunately I don't have anyone else to depend on though. I live in a big city and most members of my family don't drive - public transport is good enough for it not to be necessary. I would hate to live somewhere where I could only visit the cinema by car!

Your marriage is a partnership and your DH should be supporting you in doing the things you can't, for whatever reason. If you couldn't drive because of medical reasons, would he still harbour the same resentment in being the only driver?

But where's the OP gone?

OP, didn't mean to be insensitive to your fears, I am not at all!

I like the suggestions of asking for an instructor who is comfortable for you to be with, I never would have thought of that, but it makes perfect sense. Like choosing a dentist.

And take as many lessons as you need, and don't feel under any pressure or hurry to learn to handle your car. If you pass the test, at least you will be able to drive, and maybe with small trips on non busy streets, you will feel less anxious.

Will you feel comfortable if you go with your dh to empty parking lot's and very quiet county roads to practice? It may take the edge off of your fear.
You are not alone, look at this thread on the same topic.
forum.canadianparents.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=630113

I didn't learn to drive properly until recently - was scared TBH. I wish DH had pushed me a bit - buying lessons etc as I really needed it. I finally started when he booked me a lesson for my birthday after years of nothing!

My instructor was fab. Very calm, didn't get annoyed or anything when I made a mistake. If I kept asking questions, he took them in his stride and was very understanding. When I passed my test I was :( at the idea that I wouldn't see him again (as he was that nice and friendly!)

You should be able to tell your instructor you're nervous. If you cant then you have the wrong one.

I really missed my instructor too Iggly - he was lovely :)

cheezywotsitsrule - YANBU and people who do drive just just don't understand people who don't drive.

I learned at 18, only drove very occassionally, hated it every time and finally sent my licence back years ago. DW does not drive either.

We just design our lives around not driving, live in a well connected town and enjoy the money we save.

Totally agreewith everytng Forsythia said and that your DH means well but he is now bullying you.

People who say 'oh I live in a rral area withoyt buses so I have to drive' are wrong. The reaons they live in a rural area is because they have a car. If the didn't they would live on a good bus route in town near a rail station like we do. We get all our shopping delivered, walk a lot, get taxis and buses and very occasisonally a chauffeur driven limo.

And what if there is NO bus route beenbeta?

I live 2 mins from the station and the service into London is wonderful - anywhere else and I'm stuffed!

Me and DW choose a place to live where there is a bus. If you didnt have a car you would adjust your life and not choose to live where there are no buses.

This is the problem that old people get themselves into. They become too old to drive yet live somewhere without public transport so they just keep driving and endangering everyone else.

If you didnt have a car you would adjust your life and not choose to live where there are no buses.

Errrr no, some people don't have the option of choosing to live on a good public transport route.

I don't mind other people choosing not to drive, but what I do mind is people who choose not to drive, but expect other drivers to provide a personal, and free, taxi service for them.

If you can honestly go everywhere you need to go by public transport, then I'm all for not learning to drive, there is no need. But anyone who constantly gets lifts from other people (which, I'm sorry to say is most non-drivers that I know) is unreasonably taking advantage of others (health reasons excepted, of course). And by constant, I mean day in day out, e.g. daily commute, weekly shop etc, I'm not talking about the odd occasion when someone says 'hey, would you like to come with me to XXXX, I'll drive us?'

Cadging lifts is definitley not something we do at all. Infact, we have to politely but firmly turn them down as people insist on taking pity on us.

YADNBU! I completely understand where you are coming from, I learnt to drive and passed my test at 18 but I HATE driving and I really really really feel petrified behind the wheel. People who say you just need practice don't necessarily understand, yes for some people that helps them crack it but for others it is more like a phobia. If I know I have to drive somewhere the worry is unbearable, I once knew a fortnight in advance that I needed to drive somewhere and worried every day up to it. I know I am a safe driver, but I won't put myself through the terror, feeling sick, shaking, crying, sleeplessness etc because someone else thinks I should. It's my choice, my husband supports me with that choice but he didn't have to, I don't rely on him because if he doesn't want to drive somewhere and I can't get there otherwise then I don't go. I get public transport when necessary and I would much rather walk for hours than drive ten minutes down the road. So no if you don't feel right doing it don't do it.

If people think it is unfair on DH it is their problem not ours, he doesn't have a problem with it and neither do I. I didn't drive when we met and if it did ever become a problem we would discuss it, it's nobody elses business.

Driving has given me so much confidence and i love driving, i can go and see my mum who loves 30 miles away without having to use public transport.

Its worth having i think

OP: You're not being unreasonable at all. If you don't want to do it... don't do it. It is really, really not essential. My parents never learned to drive (and managed just as well in very rural places as very urban ones); neither did I; my wife probably never will. I won't be encouraging the kids to either (if petrol is available to non-millionaires by then, which seems frankly unlikely).

People who think driving is essential have chosen lives which make it so - but you don't have to.

"People who think driving is essential have chosen lives which make it so - but you don't have to".

What a great way of putting it Neanderchap. I totally agree. I often find drivers will drive half a mile to a corner shop, or find the thought of a bus journey inconvenient.

Yanbu to be afraid butyou should learn, for no other reason than you will feel fantastic when you pass having conquered your fear.
I only recently learned, I'm 34, I felt exactly as you do but forced myself to do it and now am so glad I did.
Take control of your nerves and you won't regret it, stop now and there's a bit of youthat will always feel like you failed.
Your DH sounds fab.
Stick with it, people who really understsand the dangers involved make the best drivers.
You can do it. Good luck.

I don't drive, I didn't understand why after 9 lessons I'd almost run over 3 people and almost had a head on collision with a lorry. The thought of getting in a car makes me feel physically sick and brings me out in a cold sweat, I feel nervous just being a passenger in a car. My driving instructor used to reduce me to tears every lesson and shout that I needed my fucking head tested because he didn't understand how anyone could be that shit.

Turns out I have dyspraxia, I can't tell my left from my right (I have two rights and no left). I struggle to co-ordinate myself (I was unable after 9 lessons to release the handbrake myself, I had to get the instructor to do it every time), I couldn't get the bite and hold it, it would take 10 mins just to get the car moving, I now have fibro so even harder to steer etc. I couldn't position the car properly, I even drove on the wrong side of the road without realising what was wrong (it's easier to drive the american way weirdly). I used to knock things over or end up on the kerb when I turned corners.

Some people just can't drive, it makes me angry when people say 'oh well everyone's bad at first' - I know no-one who almost killed 5 people in their first 9 lessons except for me. People wouldn't say to someone who has epilepsy and is banned from driving 'oh your life is ruined because you can't drive' so why do people feel the need to say that to me? I can't help my disability, it's very hard to learn to drive for some people and it's bloody scary too.

I totally agree Minty. During my lessons I had one crash, gto breathalysed twice (I'm almost teetotal) knocked a wing mirror off, gave the car two flat tyres, got stuck on a steep hill and rolled backwards, stalled 7 times in the middle of a road blocking two lanes of traffic, and after literally hundreds of attempts, cannot even begin to grasp the logic of bay parking. I still can't get the bite either. Don't even talk to me about my two failed driving tests.

Yet people still tell me I must drive. If it was anything else they wouldn't insist on it, but most car drivers can't imagine not driving themsleves so try and make everyone else do it.

Luckily I live in a town with great transport where everything is walkable,so its not a daily ptoblem at all and my kids are fit anf like walking.

yanbu. I dont drive, everyone who does drive seem to take pleasure in telling me i dont know my own mind and it will be good for me. its an insult, i just dont want to drive end of!

Minty, I am also dyspraxic so I know exactly where you are coming from. And having grown up in the States, the American way isn't that easy either especially if, in addition to dyspraxia, you have no peripheral vision in your left eye.

However, walking and taking public transport has its advantages. You can read on a bus for one thing and duck down that interesting little alley if you're walking. Plus the walking is helping me get into shape after the birth of DD.

I feel for you OP. My DP was the same as yours. I used to tell him that I didn't want to learn to drive, that I hated it and it completely terrified me. He made me apply for my licence, and bought me a car and booked driving lessons. I eventually gave in and tried it to keep the peace.

I was awful. Cried all the time, got into stupid fits of fear and the sheer thoiught of driving. The essential elements of driving were fine, it was the thought of being on a busy road which terrified me.

It took a good 3 years of DP persuading and badgering me before it 'clicked'. And it did one day - I suddenly found myself not dreading a drive, and soon I started to enjoy it.

I had a very good instructor to get me through the test, which I passed 1st time. I now drive all over - motorways, strange places, big cities, anywhere. It has made SUCH a difference to my life, I have managed to further my career my gettinmg jobs in other places, and it has improved the quality of my life enormously. I am hugely grateful to my DP for persisting for so long against my determined refusal to drive. I owe him a lot - my driving has really made a difference to my life and his. I certainly don't think your DH is being bullying - he is persuading you to learn a pretty essential life skill imo.