to not want to learn to drive?

[cheezywotsitsrule]

Got a provisional after DH persuaded me to for extra ID. I agreed but I hate the idea of driving, never wanted to even when 17 but DH has always mentioned how much driving would help me with confidence as i'm a very shy person. As soon as received the provisional he decided to get me a car as it would spur me on with wanting to drive. I hated the idea as origially just to use as ID but now I think he has seen the green light as me wanting to learn, I went with him and tried to look not interested but after 2 weeks of looking at every car lot and website near us I finally gave in and got one. Then he booked lessons for me. Im now comming up to my 4 lessons and dont know how I got from ok need another form of ID to doing lessons where I break down crying at the thought of it. Have tried to tell my DH me fears and horror at learning but just said that eveyone feels this way. I can see how much freedom it would give me and would be able to travel further to get a job as wanting to go back to work after being SAHM. I just feel so tricked into doing something I hate. Am I being unreasonable?

YANBU, I am terrified of learning to drive too. My brother died in a car accident at 17, so I have some issues with being in control of a car. I don't dislike being in cars, I am happy to accept lifts. I am just as happy walking or getting the bus too.
I know that learning to drive would transform my life, it's just a step that I can't take and I don't have to.

working- I completely agree with you. Lots of my friends had the free lessons/cars at 17 and learnt before fear kicked in. I first tried learning when I was 36 and I am a gibbering wreck behind the wheel. Now I have two children I just feel I have so much to lose, plus I have had had two prangs and two horrific failed driving tests. It makes me miserable and scared like nothing else in my life does.

Plus, as you rightly say, its nearly £50 a 2 hour lesson, plus test fees and theroy test fees, insurance, tax, fuel and AA/RAC, MOT and maintenance. We just can't afford it and it is awful feeling you are never making any progress.

I firmly believe that drivers should not criticise non drivers for not driving. Its not for everyone and we all managed without this many cars 20 or 30 years ago. I never expect lifts or take lifts for granted. Nor do I expect drivers to do all the visiting- I will bus/train it to them too.

Its a two way thing- I will treat drivers with respect and never ask for lifts, and I expect drivers not to think I am weird or wrong for not driving.

I have failed six driving tests and have given up now. When i was having a lesson before my sixth test i had a bus go up the back of the car!!
I am very dyspraxic and apparently dyspraxia and driving do not a good mix make! I wouldnt want to learn now, the way other people drive has put me off!!

I didn't pass my test until I was 26 after 4 attempts. Yes it increased my indepence hugely and enabled me to get better jobs as we live in a small town with small employment prospects.

I don't much enjoy driving - too much traffic. I find it stressful and unpleasant. Over the years I have driven too many cheap old bangers that kept breaking down in the middle of nowhere. I always expect the bloody things to let me down!

On balance I think being able to drive is better than not, but it's a close call IMO.

I think it really should be up to you. Personally I can drive, I learnt when I was 17, passed my test first time and hated driving all the time. went to university and then stopped driving altogther for about 8 years. Started again abroad while on holiday (which was mad but the roads are soo much quieter) and eventually got a car. But I don't need the car, and I don't need to drive. I just don't see it as a life skill.

My DH can't drive, never passed his test, has no interest. Its just not a problem. I do give him lifts but he never expects them.

He thinks its weird not to ride a bike, and sees that as more of a life skill. That's his method of transport of choice. And if its too far for that he gets a train. For us that works and actaully is very convenient as a bike is better for where we live, but I hate cycling. i do it, or at lest I used to, but it doesn't mean I have to enjoy it, or that I need to.

It really irritates me that everyone sees driving as necessary when it really isn't. I think it should be your choice. And as for getting a car when you don't need one that's mad.

Finally I have a friend who says driving is vulgar, and for the "lower classes" slightly tongue in cheek I know but that used to be the case. If you were posh you never needed to drive. He uses it as a comment whenever people question why he can't drive and it always shuts up the people asking. I have no idea if he means the comment seriously though

Whether you need to drive or not depends on your personal circumstances. My parents never had a car, my brother and his partner don't have a car, dh and I did not have a car for the first 20 odd years we were together and would not have one now if it were not for having to meet the needs of two disabled children and one disabled grandparent. I still don't have a licence and probably never will do. But then I don't make use of other drivers much: I get myself to and from work on public transport and rarely need a lift anywhere else.

Yes, it may help your self-confidence but then there are hundreds of other, cheaper ways of doing that.

Evaluate your own situation. Is your dh pressing this matter because he thinks everybody has to be the same- or is he perhaps quietly fed up with having to be the chauffeur? If it is the latter, then I think you owe it to him to consider. If the former, then you can make your own mind up.

YANBU. I don't see the point of learning to drive just because your DH thinks in effect it will make life easier. Why do something that upsets you so much? I wouldn't do it just for the sake of keeping the peace! Driving CAN be useful but it's not essential. You can get through life perfectly well without a driving licence, as anyone who doesn't drive will tell you.

I can't drive. I have had tests which I failed. I don't have a fear of driving, but I'm just not good at it. Whilst I could spend £100s trying to learn, I have decided that I would rather spend my money on something else instead :)

DP doesn't drive. It doesn't make a huge difference at the moment as he can walk to work easily enough, but long term it's a skill I think he should have, even if he doesn't use it much just now. (I learned at 17 but didn't have a car till 22).

"YANBU. I don't see the point of learning to drive just because your DH thinks in effect it will make life easier. Why do something that upsets you so much? I wouldn't do it just for the sake of keeping the peace! Driving CAN be useful but it's not essential. You can get through life perfectly well without a driving licence, as anyone who doesn't drive will tell you. "

Especially if they have a partner who gives them lifts when they need them, who always does the big shop or anything else which can't be done easily by public transport, drives to the lovely country pub so you can enjoy some special ale while they have a lemonade....

I think YANBU. You have to be 'ready' to learn to drive. I had lessons in my very early twenties and failed lots a few tests, and lost all my confidence. Didn't get behind a wheel again for nearly ten years, and although that was mostly because I needed to as I was now a working mum, I think I was finally ready to drive again. Six months later, I passed first time :)

I am still a nervous driver - haven't been on the motorway alone yet, get very worried about going anywhere new, sometimes I am driving along and suddenly think 'OMG - I'm driving!'

It's a skill everyone should have (medical reasons for not driving excepted, of course) but you have to do when YOU are ready.

I passed my driving test last week. I was like you I was sure that I would never drive, was really nervous about the thought of it.
Took me 3 teststo pass mind you. But im sooooo glad I finally did it.
Yesterday I was able to take my DS to the cinema, just me and him, for the first time ever. Sounds silly and trivial but it felt so good.

He is not 'tricking' you or 'bulling' you. If he did the opposite (not wanting you to learn) then that will be bulling.

It depends where you live really. In a city you don't need to drive. If you live a full life then thats fine. But if you use the fact that you cant drive as an excuse for avoiding things then there is a bigger problem. i.e. 'i can't look for work/take dcs swimming or birthday parties/see friends because i don't drive'. Also, does he end up doing more (ferrying the dcs, giving you lifts, doing the shopping etc) because he is the driver?

I think there are schools/teachers who specialize in teaching people with phobia? I'm not sure but i think i 've seen ads.

I don't believe people who say that not being able to drive doesn't affect them. The convenience that driving gives you is fantastic. If I couldn't drive I couldn't take my DCs to the cinema, swimming, shops etc easily. The logistics would be too much hassle. If my DH couldn't drive he wouldn't be able to get to his work. I definately want my DCs to learn to drive. I think the key is finding an instructor that the person feels comfortable with. If you don't enjoy your lessons find another instructor.

I think the op's DH is doing his best. Even the op says she can see the freedom that driing will bring her and how it will help her get a job.

Regarding the division of labour argument: I can see why some drivers would ask why the burden always falls on them but it doesn't mean that everyone MUST learn to drive. If it terrifies you, if its expensive and if you're just not cut out for it, why should you force yourself to do it if you hate it, fear it and can't afford it?

Yes my DH does all the driving, but (during the week at least) I do all the cooking, cleaning and childcare (its 1950 where I live). I don't insist he does my jobs and when we do have a big car journey I pass him snacks and drinks and generally let him have a massive rest afterwards. He does the same for me if I have worked hard. Its a division of labour that works for us. He likes driving and has been doing so for 25 years. I hate it and think we will all be killed instantly if I am at the wheel.

Some jobs are his jobs and some jobs are mine.

I didn't learn to drive until I was 33, partly because I was nervous, but now I'm so happy I did. Having a really good, patient teacher will help. I'd give the lessons a try, but if you really hate it, don't do it. But I would say you might be surprised at how much your fear decreases after a few lessons.

I swore blind to my teacher I'd never do more than 40mph on the motorway... I got over it!

I took nearly 200 hours of lessons, changed instructors to a wonderful instructor and still lay awake the night before driving lessons, dreading them and hating them. I CANNOT figure out bay parking after doing no less than 400 attempts.

Luckily, I live in a good town here cinema, school and shops etc are only a mile or less away and there is a bus stop less than 50 yards away from my house.

I didn't learn till I was 35, 16 years ago, and didn't have my own car till I was 42.
But it has revolutionized my life- I couldn't do my current job if I couldn't drive, I love the freedom.
I still don't like motorways- luckily don't need to go them- but am thinking of doing a course to get over my fear.
Only had 1 accident and that was not my fault....

I found driving really hard and was very nervous about it. I eventually passed my test aged 25 on the 6th attempt! My MIL doesn't drive and neither does my mother and both deeply regret it. Neither does DH (he has managed because we live in London close to exceptional connectons)!! You don't mention if you have DC but driving may be essential for school runs, sports activities (playing fields tend not to be on bus routes), days out when your DH isn't around, shopping on your own, etc.. The call in the middle of the night that a parent has been taken ill and your mum needs you - right now! I really really wish I had put my foot down with DH 20 years ago - it's too late now.

I do think you need to get a grip and get on with this. Have you thought about doing an intensive week long course to immerse yourself completely? I think these sound like a good idea if you can afford it.

Hi, I sat my test at 17 and failed it spectacularly, didn't bother again until I was 7 months pregnant and 22 years old, I hated it, I only did it because I would have been totally isolated and I only drove back and forward to my mums house after the baby was born, took me 5 years to go on a motorway, I still don't enjoy it 20 years later but it has made my life a bit easier, taking the kids places when I was left a single mum and we live in quite a rural place. Now my kids drive me about and I use all their petrol!!

I would say try and pass your test, I used to be sick before my lessons but kept on at it, my h (now ex) really pushed me into it, he booked my lessons and never told me until the morning of the first one. Looking back probably the best thing he did for me.

Myself and dh don't drive and have two children aged 13 and 8. Tbh it's not a problem, we deliberately live in a central area, bus/train services are excellent and if we drove we could easily afford to run one (maybe two), cars. The kids do as many activities as most their age, if something isn't doable by public transport we taxi (you can afford a lot of taxis if you don't have a car), and I will always offer to pick up others by taxi whose parents don't have transport for whatever reason. Both children each have a friend in this situation, and the parents are grateful as their non-transport situation is due to the mum not having the car three days a week due to dh working away, and the other family can't really afford one.

I do have friends who insist on driving my dc's home after sleepovers etc, as they feel it's too much trouble for us, (it really isn't!) but I do make sure we return the favours, even if it's just offering to have their kids sometimes in school hols as they both work from home. This is something they're very grateful for and want to pay me for, but I won't take anything because it's my "return" favour iyswim.

We both work 15 mins walk from home, my dd's school bus leaves from bottom of our road and ds's school is 10 mins walk away (or taxi if weather's bad!)

We normally go on holiday abroad, and taxi to and from airport, we have fare slightly discounted as we're regular customers. So for us it's absolutely fine, both our families live between 100/200 miles away but we make regular trips by train, taxi when we get to station so nobody has to wait around to collect us, and because we're both non-drivers we've never had the argument about one doing all the driving! Depends where you choose to live I realise, but it works well for us. Our only problem is dealing with comments/questions from other people, some seem to assume our kids don't see life outside our four walls but we shrug off these comments now, if anything we're out and about as a family more than most! My work colleague was aghast that I'd taken my two swimming the other day, didn't think it possible! Why, bus there and taxi back isn't hard is it? I do wonder at some people!

"Yes my DH does all the driving, but (during the week at least) I do all the cooking, cleaning and childcare (its 1950 where I live). I don't insist he does my jobs and when we do have a big car journey I pass him snacks and drinks and generally let him have a massive rest afterwards. He does the same for me if I have worked hard. Its a division of labour that works for us. He likes driving and has been doing so for 25 years. I hate it and think we will all be killed instantly if I am at the wheel."

Sweet, but doesn't really work when both work full time.

Widow- When I go back to work full time, it will be the same division of labour- he will still drive, I will still cook. (the housework will probably go out the window)

OP, there is a thread on chat where the lady has been left at home with young DC, for convoluted reasons her DH is stuck at work and because she can't drive she can't go and get him, neither can he come home. Also, her bro is under a lot of strain atm and she would like to get to him, but can't. If she could drive, some of her problems would be solved.

You need to find an instructor that you like. it might take a few tries, but please do persevere.

I am the same as Mofo

I used to puke before my lessons I was so nervous - I HATED doing them but because of where we moved to I needed to learn or my life would be extremely limited.

I didn't really enjoy my lessons but at some point I realised that I was no longer waking up dreading them but this happened quite a long way into them. 4 lessons is still very early days - I'd give it a bit more of a go first before giving up.

It gave me SUCH a confidence boost and my ds still talks about the day I met him from school and we drove home instead of walking

It's a life skill and while I think your dh 'bullied' you into a bit , it's nice he is so enthusiastic and supportive.

Give it a bit longer :)