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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my partner to pay more towards the bills than me?

59 replies

talulubell · 04/03/2011 19:47

So we both work:
-Him 1 job 40 hours
-Me 2 jobs, 20 & 5 hours

and he gets paid more than me. When he first moved in (with me & my DD) we paid half each and have done for a few years. Now I've just had to take a paycut (5%) and I'm due to go on maternity leave in June.

Money is the only thing we argue about ever, I literally have £50 a week left from which I have to buy

-food shopping,(we take it in turns each week)
-petrol, I need my car for my job
-anything my daughter needs, clothes, fees for hobbies, school trips etc
-anything I need

& now we need to start buying baby stuff.... so AIBU to think he should pay more than me?

OP posts:
MisSalLaneous · 04/03/2011 19:49

It does sound odd - why would he not be prepared to pay "his" share on a percentage of household income?

gordyslovesheep · 04/03/2011 19:49

might have been wise to have this dicsussion before having a baby?

CoronaAndLime · 04/03/2011 19:51

YANBU

Bills should be paied and then any left over cash split.
You cant be in an equal relationship and have different standards of living ffs!

ENormaSnob · 04/03/2011 19:54

Didn't you discuss this prior to him moving in?

Tbh I wouldn't be happy subsidising dh if he worked part time.

Ambi · 04/03/2011 19:58

We did this when we first moved in together, I hardly had any money as I paid for my car yet he earnt more than me and had a company car. (I hardly had anything left over and he had surplus cash to fritter on ridiculous hobbies) Before we got married we combined all our income to make our money, it made such a difference to us both, our saving power was greater and it would have been very difficult to cope if we hadn't since we've both had periods of not earning anything. It works differently for different people and I always liked having MY money, little of that there was, but we've never regretted combining our wages.

hidenseek · 04/03/2011 19:59

I think if you consider yourselves a family rather than housemates, there should be more of a fair split. But then again, it should also hinge on why you work part time, and what the difference in pay is, ie if you earn significantly more than him per hour, it might level out, but just look like he earns more because he does full time. Another factor is whether you receive child maintenance.

northerngirl41 · 04/03/2011 19:59

This isn't always so clear...

For example, does he pay if you guys go out to eat? Or will he pay for things for your daughter (who I am guessing is not his)? Does he see lots of the things you buy as frivolous? How about if the washing machine breaks down? If so, I can understand why he's reluctant to pay any more on regular bills.

But the fact is, you aren't happy with it. So you need to work out a fair way of dealing with it.

FabbyChic · 04/03/2011 20:03

If he earns more then he contributes more to the bills.

You need to sit down and get this sorted rather fast, and it is something you should have done before you even conceived.

Your maintenance from your childs father should cover your childs costs, plus if you get any child tax credit, plus family allowance.

Whilst others will disagree I've two boys 23 and 17 and I've lived with someone for 7 years who wasn't their father he gave me £100 a week, why? because it was my house and it was already furnished and I put everything in it.

I wasn't with him so he could support me, but I did not expect to be out of pocket which I never was.

It worked for us, but not for everybody.

curlymama · 04/03/2011 20:08

Now that you are having a baby together, yes, he should.

My dh and I put exactly the same amount into an account to pay for bills, although he earns more than me. But the dc's are mine, and I get some money from their Dad for them. So I pay for the things they need, except food, separately. But he pays for most of the shopping, for anything when we go out, holidays, and I can have more of 'his' money whenever I need or want it wothout a problem. Works for us, because although we pay the same in bills, he actually pays a lot more for family stuff.

lololizzy · 04/03/2011 20:12

i had an ex who i lived with and i was only earning £4.20 an hr (this was before minimum wage came in) whilst he earnt something like £20-£30 an hour contracting in IT! yet we split all the rent, all the bills, food, going out, hols etc 50-50. For five years. I really REALLY struggled. That isnt the reason he's my ex but it wasn't great! He used to say 'it's not my fault you earn less than me' !! I was young and naive and at the time, actually thought it was reasonable as i would never ever have a man 'help me out' (having said that, to this day, i have never had a man pay a bigger share than me)

fedupofnamechanging · 04/03/2011 20:14

I think that your partner should treat your child as if he was her dad and not differentiate between her costs and the costs of the new baby. I agree that you should pool all the money (and I include tax credit and child benefit and maintenance payments), pay all the families expenses and then share what is left.

You can't be a proper family if you have different standards of living. A proper commitment means a real financial one too.

Talk to him OP and let him know what you want. Also agree that you should have done this when he moved in and certainly before you decided to have a baby.

minipie · 04/03/2011 20:14

If you're having a child together, then you should both be willing to pool all your money, I'd have thought.

LoveMyGirls · 04/03/2011 20:15

I find the split thing odd tbh. When I got together with dh I had dd1 but the thing was neither of us had any money really so the only thing to do was to pool our money and share otherwise we couldn't have survived frankly. I told him clearly from the start he was taking us on as a package and that meant looking after us both and providing for us both, if he wasn't happy to do that it wouldn't have worked tbh.

So in our house is works like this:
All money is joint money
We talk before spending money, we agree budgets for things and ask before we buy, obviously things that don't cost a lot we don't ask about, say less than £5, although we've agreed due to trying to pay debts we don't spend money on silly things.
When buying something of value like a tv we agree who would keep it if we ever split (this is done in a jokey way Wink)

Good luck with your chap and I hope you can make him see sense.

I don't think that not pooling money is a good way to bring dcs up fwiw how can you instill family values, I think seperating money and your oh being able to enjoy his money is a "im alright jack" mentality which is selfish imo.

HappyMummyOfOne · 04/03/2011 20:18

Did he agree re working PT or was that your choice? Its unfair to expect him to pay more for a choice you made.

I presume you get the CB, any tax credits and maintainance for DD too which he obviously wont get.

50/50 seems fair if you have split finances, he's paying his share and helping with costs of your DD by doing so.

Presumably he's going to have to pay more when you're on maternity anyway unless you have savings to cover your living expenses.

Original poster
talulubell · 04/03/2011 22:23

Thanks for all your views... it really helps to find out what people think & other couples do.

We don't just choose to work part time, I work two jobs which both did add up to full time-ish.Over the past year my hours have decreased by 5 in each and now I have been forced to take a pay cut too.

I don't receive any child maintenance, never have nor can't (very long story) we don't get tax credits either but do get CB, which yes I keep but it does not cover everything my daughter needs.

I know I'm not over spending on items, I don't have money left to spend after the bills are paid, and to be honest if we do go eat out yes he does pay but only because he'll say its his treat, I wouldn't/couldn't go otherwise.

Its just making me soooooo cross, its such an arguable subject in our house. If I suggest pooling cash or dare I say it (whisper) 'a joint bank account'! he just seems to get this big idea I'm after his money.

I really don't expect him to support me financially & never have since we met but just a little understanding that I'm poor in comparison to him would be nice.

OP posts:
pudding25 · 04/03/2011 22:38

I find this very strange. What is he going to do when you are on maternity leave and have barely any money? You are a family and should help each other.

elliott · 04/03/2011 22:39

how can you have a baby with someone not prepared to support you financially?

You don't sound much of a family unit tbh. Why don't you get married?

minipie · 04/03/2011 22:43

"If I suggest pooling cash or dare I say it (whisper) 'a joint bank account'! he just seems to get this big idea I'm after his money."

And you're having a baby with this guy? Confused

cat64 · 04/03/2011 22:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MsHighwater · 04/03/2011 22:54

I find the idea of one partner being poorer than the other ridiculous, tbh. DH and I pool everything. I still think this is the best way for a couple to handle their finances though I do accept that some people can make other arrangements work. Clearly your arrangement is not working if it leads to differing standards of living between you (and your dd) and the man who is supposed to be your life partner and is about to be the father of your new baby.

In a family, all money should be family money.

northerngirl41 · 04/03/2011 22:56

Why not have a joint bank account which you each pay 3/4 of your salary into? (or whatever number works best)

And then you'd have enough for the bills and the everyday stuff and anything which is just for you then you each have your own bank accounts.

I don't get this whole "I must share everything with my partner" thing - he does not want to know how much money I spend in the beauty salon or on my mental pets. Likewise I have no desire to know exactly how much money gets wasted on football games or ebay... Much happier not knowing thank you!

lololizzy · 04/03/2011 23:02

every relationship i've ever been in, it's always been 50/50 on whatever we shared and whatever each of us earned (or didn't earn) so to me the poster's tale is the norm...
but then i've not had a child with anyone.
In your case Talulubell, most unfair.Hope he can see that without too much conflict.

LaurieFairyCake · 04/03/2011 23:05

You were very foolish to get pregnant.

He should either share his money and make it joint or leave and pay 20% for his child for the next 18 years.

Bogeyface · 04/03/2011 23:11

How will the bills be paid when you are on maternity leave? Who is paying for the babys stuff and day to day needs of food nappies etc?

If he wont stump up then you have big problems and sadly I agree that you shouldnt have just jumped into living and having a baby with him without agreeing how it would work financially.

He sounds like he isnt "in" this relationship to be a family. There is you and your dd and him, heaven knows where the baby will fit into that!

This screams to me that there is more to this than money, but is more about his whole lack of commitment to you.

solooovely · 05/03/2011 09:07

We have all our wages and bills going out of the same account, whatever is left over (nothing unfortuneately) is for us all.

It works really well and I think when you have children and one of you may not be working then is the only way to do things.

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