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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my partner to pay more towards the bills than me?

59 replies

talulubell · 04/03/2011 19:47

So we both work:
-Him 1 job 40 hours
-Me 2 jobs, 20 & 5 hours

and he gets paid more than me. When he first moved in (with me & my DD) we paid half each and have done for a few years. Now I've just had to take a paycut (5%) and I'm due to go on maternity leave in June.

Money is the only thing we argue about ever, I literally have £50 a week left from which I have to buy

-food shopping,(we take it in turns each week)
-petrol, I need my car for my job
-anything my daughter needs, clothes, fees for hobbies, school trips etc
-anything I need

& now we need to start buying baby stuff.... so AIBU to think he should pay more than me?

OP posts:

solooovely · 05/03/2011 09:13

I just read your last post . . . he sounds very selfish and immature to not support you at all or be happy for all the money to go into a pot, especially when you are carrying his child! That is what family life is all about.

What would happen if you lost your job? Would you starve? The bills go unpaid?

What if he lost his but you were earning loads? Would he be perfectly happy about you keeping all your earnings to yourself?

So is he prepared to buy anything for his child at all? If not then he needs to move out.

I think you should ask him these questions.

Does he contribute at all the your older childs expenses? Not that this is compulsory but would be nice if he is expecting to be a permanent fixture in her life.

collision · 05/03/2011 09:16

how old is he?

I would get him to do the food shopping to be honest and then he will see how much food costs!

DH couldnt believe how much food was until he came to Sains with me the other day.

Get him to get the shopping this week and then he might be more understanding.

collision · 05/03/2011 09:17

sorry re read yr OP and he does alternate weeks.

collision · 05/03/2011 09:18

So, bill him for what you do in the house ie cooking, ironing and cleaning and give him a list for what the baby will need and get him to buy half of the list.

ThistleDoNicely · 05/03/2011 10:01

My husband earns more than twice my salary (both full time) and since we moved in together we have both put 50% of our take home pay into a joint account fir bills/shopping/etc. So he pays more but it is 'fair'. I've been arguing now that we're married and have a baby on the way everything should be joint but he won't and also seems to think I'm only after his cash if I raise it. The percentage thing might work for you though as it would keep you both contributing the same proportionately but should mean you're not left so short.

fedupofnamechanging · 05/03/2011 10:35

Thistle A man that you are married to and having a baby with, should not be worrying that you are after his money. If he truly believes that, then why did he marry you?

I'm not having a go, but I really think you ought to knock that attitude on the head. What will happen if either of you cannot work? I always thought that marriage meant that you view yourselves as a unit, a team, who are in it together.

BringOnTheGoat · 05/03/2011 11:45

Maybe as you buy everything for your DD he should buy everything for new DC? I don't hink this is ideal or a good way for any family to live but might bring home his sense of responsibility to his family.

I am also confused as to why you didn;t have a money discussion before having another child. How does he think it will work when you're not earning? I don't think when you become a fmaily you have to make everything joint but it is easier for all to have same outlook on money. Seems some men consider 'equality' to mean women should work enough to pay for DC, look after them and have fuck all left for their own life!!

Original poster

talulubell · 05/03/2011 12:34

Thanks ladies for your help,well some of you, which has given me the confidence to ask for more help and we have now agreed to set up a household bills/shopping/other stuff account and contribute a more fairer amount each.

I find it interesting how people's relationships vary, I personally agree with northerngirl I don't want to split our money 50/50 & I really don't want to know how much he spends on trainers, Ebay & nights out with the boys & so on.

Like I mentioned I'm not after his money, just fairness, & do not feel we have to pool & split everything equally to live as a happy family or otherwise it won't work out, our relationship is doomed. I also do not agree I was foolish to get pregnant, I think it is really a bit harsh to tell a pregnant woman that. Are all you critical mums-netters telling me you relationships are 100% perfect all the time?!

OP posts:

Newgolddream · 05/03/2011 12:44

I work full time and my DH watches our boys and then works part time at weekends - we pool all the wages, tax credits and child benefits into 1 account and pay all bills and food off this. I really dont see how it can work, as we are a family, if this was the case with us. Each to their own - I dont get this idea that 1 partner is "subsidising" the other etc.

I find it really strange that a man who is married to someone they have *chosen8 to marry and profess to love could possibly think their wife is "just after their money", baffling.

OP I know you think someone saying you shouldnt have got pregnant harsh but I presume they meant you shouldnt have got pregnant before sorting out the family finances first.

Newgolddream · 05/03/2011 12:45

chosen even lol.

onceamai · 05/03/2011 12:45

This sounds totally confusing but surely you are a partnership and as such need to keep a proper record of what comes in and what goes out and what's left over and divi it all up fairly if you are living on a budget.

To be honest we never did 20 years ago but at that stage most of the equity in the house was mine. I then spent eight years at home and dh paid for everything. I used to lay out and give him the bills and he would settle up at the end of the month (although I admit I found it difficult to expect him to pay for personal stuff for me such as clothes and hair, etc., but I had enough put by to manage and he did occasionally give me a couple of hundred for clothes). I have never paid a bill, the mortgage, or for household maintenance since we were married, but now that I earn a bit more I pay 1/3 the school fees, everything for the dc, the cost of running the car, and generally stuff for the house like china, linens, cushions, things for the kitchen.

DH earns three times as much as me - we don't argue about money becuase we have always had enough but I do know that I tend to spend mine and DH salts his away and I am quite sure that there is a lot somewhere that he is disinclined to spend. We live very modestly compared to our means and I know a lot of women/couples would want to spend (and do spend) a lot more than me.

Earlybird · 05/03/2011 12:54

Can you tell us, as a percentage, how much more he earns than you?

Just wondering because unless he's won the lottery/is a footballer/runs his own hedge fund......I don't understand the 'after his money' line of reasoning? Where does that fear come from, do you think? Has he been 'burned' in the past?

carriedababi · 05/03/2011 13:21

i think its outrageous that anyone in a family or couple should have such differnt livign standards

sorry doesnt sound like he loves you very much

or hes just really thoughtless

carriedababi · 05/03/2011 13:25

do you even know how uch he earns and if hes telling the truth.

he could be lieing about what he earns,saying he earns 25k or whatever when he really earns 40k keeping even more to himself

Rabat · 05/03/2011 13:29

I have never been able to understand how couples could be bothered to micromanage their expenses like this. I have always just put all of our money into one pot and taken it from there. I guess it helps that we have similar attitudes to spending.

I have a friend whose husband will ask her for the £5 she owes him (he paid for her trainfare online with his card). He earns approx £100K/yr and she earns approx £35K/yr and has almost single-handedly brought up their two children. With have a good laugh about these kind of things - I guess it is the only way to cope?

Anyway, YANBU.

sims2fan · 05/03/2011 13:39

I just read this and asked my husband what we did about money when he moved in with me before we were married. He said (which I must have totally blanked out) that I paid all the bills, rent, etc because he was paying off credit card debts and was in a low paying job. I was obviously so blinded by love that I put up with that! I also used the few thousand I had in an ISA to pay off his debts! It all worked out in the end though because when we got married we got a joint account so all money is now 'our' money, and he's in full time work while I'm job hunting, so these days he pays for everything! Also we don't think of any money as his or mine. For example, if he gets money from his parents for his birthday, he'll give it to me if I need to buy something. I don't think I could stand it being any other way - particularly if we had kids.

begonyabampot · 05/03/2011 13:48

surely if you are a 'family', everything should be pooled. I think this could lead to a lot of resentment.

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts · 05/03/2011 14:04

This is very strange to me. I definitely think this should have been resolved before you had a baby together. This adds strain onto even the best relationships, let alone when there is signs of your DP not being fully committed.

IMO, you both work, you don't claim benefits like tax credits, your daughter should still be seen as his family, and he should/could contribute to her needs.

I don't work, have no income of my own (SAHM) except CB in my name, but we have a joint account, all the bills go out of this account and whatever is left is OURS to spend or save depending what's happening at the time. DH sees it as our money, not his, we are equals and we have a family home to run.

I don't think your DP sees it like this.

Edinburghlass · 05/03/2011 14:13

We each pay 70% of our salaries into a joint account and we've agreed what that account it to be used for. He earns more, but pays in more than me. That way we each have our own money in our separate account to pay for haircuts, parking tickets, football bets etc without someone else getting sniffy about the waste of money

Georgimama · 05/03/2011 14:23

My husband earns significantly more than me. When we first moved in together I was still a student and didn't earn anything at all (well about £250 per month in combo of grant/earnings from ptime job). We have always treated our money as ours, completely ours. We have separate bank accounts and have different DDs out of each of them but the rest is ours because we are a family.

Good luck when you are on maternity leave OP. I think you will need it.

collision · 05/03/2011 14:57

We have one joint account and a joint savings account.

ALL the money from both our salaries goes into it along with CB, any tax credits we may or may not get.

We just spend it as we need it but then we also have a similar idea of how we spend money so DH knows I will not splurge £800 on a bag. We trust each other and DH would not dream of giving me money for housekeeping.

It costs what it costs.

Bogeyface · 05/03/2011 17:18

Are all you critical mums-netters telling me you relationships are 100% perfect all the time?!

No one is saying that OP, but I dont think it is unreasonable to point out that having a baby with someone is possibly the biggest commitment you can make with someone, and it is sensible to sort out basic financial arrangements first! It prevents the very situation you find yourself in now.

If you had known that this was his attitude, would you still have had a baby so willingly or would it have made you stop and think whether it was such a good idea?

jalopy · 05/03/2011 17:25

I think that there is something fundamentally wrong with the relationship if you are under one roof, nitpicking over the share of the bills.

Georgimama · 05/03/2011 17:28

What would he do if you were made redundant, or lost your job completely? Pay his half of the bills and shrug when the bailiffs turned up?

I can't believe there was no inkling of this attitude until now.

LoveBeingAKnockedUp · 05/03/2011 18:08

I've never really got realtionships like this, we used to hang round a couple would would take it on turns at the bar and actually borrow and pay back money to each other

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