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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so angry at having my break RUINED!

86 replies

solooovely · 04/03/2011 14:22

So you're going to a wedding 6 hours drive away so will be staying overnight. You're really looking forward to the time away for you and your DH (actually you are REALLY looking forward to it and REALLY need it due to just having recovered from PND after being ill for 3 years). You ask PIL to babysit 6 months in advance (you hardly ever ask). They say yes. You turn up to drop off the children and they say "you need to be back first thing in the morning as I want to go swimming".

Now bearing in mind this means that you won't be able to have a drink at the wedding as you'll have to be sober first thing the next morning, you'll have to have an early night and so miss most of the evening party, you'll have to get up very, very early the next day and drive straight back without stopping for breakfast or anything, won't have time for a shower and will arrive back exhausted and feeling like crap.

When you get back they are annoyed with you as they think you should have been back earlier and have decided not to go swimming anyway and so just give you dirty looks and sulk.

How would you feel? Right now am extremely angry and not sure if I'm overreacting.

OP posts:
Hammy02 · 04/03/2011 15:11

They acted terribly. I know some older people get very set in their ways, doing certain activities on specific days at certain times, eg, swimming, housework, paperwork, etc but to be so unthinking is awful.

shimmerysilverglitter · 04/03/2011 15:13

I think they don't like losing control. My parents like to be in charge and obviously me going off and having kids was out of their control so they want to put my firmly back in my place by letting me know I am not very good at it, being a parent that is and certainly not going to make it easy for me. Its sad but I think they don't like ME very much so they are certainly not going to like my kids. Do you think it could be like that with your DH OP?

nickelbabe · 04/03/2011 15:14

you don't sound "entitled" - there's a difference between begging someone to do something for you, and them agreeing to it, with plenty of advance warning and then renaging for no good reason at the last minute.

that's their problem, not yours.

Especially with regard to the job! Shock

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 04/03/2011 15:22

Christ on a bike some people are just so bloody unreasonable, nasty & downright stupid.

I hope that your DH wakes up to them a bit and stops falling all over himself to please them.

You can't win can you? I think there should be a pool of GP's where you can pick the ones that 'fit' and they can pick the DIL's/GK's that fit them. So many want to have the DC overnight and aren't allowed - others are allowed (needed/wanted!!) and don't bloody want to do it?!

It would be a very cold day in hell before DH or I did anything to help them out - let his marvellous sister do it all.

inbetweener · 04/03/2011 15:25

I think mine are like it becuase they were young parents ( 18 and 19 ) and they feel like they have " done their time "

Mine are just awful at the grandparent thing. They are so embarrasing. They make very little effort with my DC. They never come round to see them, they never phone them, they buy them the cheapest birthday presents they can get away with. My parents didnt even some to see me in the hospital when my DC were born !! Infact they didnt see DD2 till she was 10 days old becuase they were busy !!

Dont get me wrong they arent cruel or mean, they are lovely people, they just arent interested in my kids and I have had to just deal with it.

Im now 21 weeks with number 3 and as usual I havent heard from my mum since I told her wirh I was 12 weeks. We live 15 mins away by car !!!!! We never go shopping together and it would NEVER occur to them to offer to buy something for the baby !!

Ah well, we're all different !

BooyFuckingHoo · 04/03/2011 16:11

i would remember this for the time when they need you to take them to the hairdresser. agree to take them and then while they are in the chair tell them you will have to take them home half way through the appointment! Smile

Original poster
solooovely · 04/03/2011 16:21

Thank you everyone for making me feel better! Smile

I have now officially stopped asking them for any help (not always that easy when there is an emergency or something) and I intend to stick to it. My DH has said that his mum misses the kids and I even felt guilty about it.

I haven't stopped the PIL seeing my dcs or anything like that, just don't ask them to babysit or make as much effort to see them. I feel it is of their own doing and if they wanted to see them more they could come and visit them or offer to have the dcs over for tea or something. So the ball is in their court!

inbetweener sad for you

OP posts:
Original poster
solooovely · 04/03/2011 16:22

BooyFuckingHoo I fully intend to make ourselves less available for all the favours.

OP posts:
BooyFuckingHoo · 04/03/2011 16:24

good for you, it must be so hard for your DH but sometimes we have to make tough decsions like for our own good.

Ripeberry · 04/03/2011 16:26

Just turn up when YOU want to. They have had months to change their plans, why go swimming?
As others have said, it's over 6hrs drive away for goodness sake!

Original poster
solooovely · 04/03/2011 16:28

Ripeberry - You know what the weird thing is . . . they NEVER (or hardly ever) go swimming! It was so random and out of the blue!

OP posts:
bibbitybobbityhat · 04/03/2011 16:29

When did all this happen solooovely?

Ripeberry · 04/03/2011 16:35

Ignore them! Enjoy yourself and don't feel guilty Smile

superv1xen · 04/03/2011 16:37

omg YANBU!!!!!!

Shock
cat64 · 04/03/2011 16:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ginnybag · 04/03/2011 16:46

inbetweener I feel your pain.

My DD was (and still is) the first only child in her family in her generation. It took my mother 3 weeks to come and see her, that after a rough birth that saw me in hospital for five days and her SCBU for three.

That told me exactly what sort of Grandmother she was going to be, and sh's lived up accordingly.

veritythebrave · 04/03/2011 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
solooovely · 04/03/2011 17:01

bibbitybobbityhat the wedding was a few months ago and I've been stewing about it ever since.

OP posts:
rookiemater · 04/03/2011 17:34

YANBU how terribly passive agressive of them, would have been better if they had just said no and be done with it, probably would have been easier to take the children with you than put up with that experience. I do feel for you having a relaxing morning and enjoying your breakfast are part of the little luxury of having time away from DC, not rushing down the motorway at early o clock.

Blu · 04/03/2011 17:39

SoLoovely - I think your DH should tell them, matter of factly, why they are no longer asked to look after the childen. That because you have been let down on 2 specific and important occasions, with serious results re your work, they can't be relied on. And childcare isn't childcare if not reliable. So they are of course welcome to see the children socially, but not when actual help is needed.

Just tell them, calmly and matter of factly, and with no blame or vitriol. And it should be DH who does it, they are his parents, but you could if you wanted.

ledkr · 04/03/2011 17:46

KILL THEM Grin

CameronCook · 04/03/2011 17:56

A unanimous YANBU I feel - given the strength of feeling I think you would have been justified in whatever murderous action you had taken

olderandwider · 04/03/2011 18:07

Ask them for lunch. As they walk through the door tell them you need them to leave in 30 minutes (because your DC are going swimming Wink). Then give them a bowl of tinned soup and an apple.

Do make sure you make plenty of loud whispered comments to your DC like, "Just waiting until DGPs finish lunch. Yes they are slow but they can't help it. They are very old."

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 04/03/2011 18:14

YANBU at all. Be quite clear in your mind that their behaviour is spiteful. It's not that you ask too much of them, it's not wrong to want to have a weekend away and it's certainly not wrong to arrange for them to look after DC when you have a temping job. They are intentionally causing you difficulty and distress, so you are quite right never to ask them to babysit again because you can't trust them. Either they don't like you (or possibly, from what you have posted, your poor DH is the Unfavoured Child and they like rubbing his nose in it), or they think that a mother should not either work or have any social time because women should Know Their Place.

zipzap · 04/03/2011 18:43

Work out a nice passive aggressive sentence to drop into conversation with them when they are telling you about their other gc if they will look after them at the drop of a hat...

Something along the lines of "and I bet you don't leave them in the lurch for a spurious swimming session just to remind them that you are the ones in control" etc

Practise saying it lots in your head before seeing them so it can slip out without you even thinking about it. Grin and then just smile sweetly and say oops did I say that aloud if they pick you up on it Grin