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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my Mother that she has brought it on herself?

79 replies

2littlegreenmonkeys · 03/03/2011 09:55

Well okay maybe I didn't put it as blunt as that but still...

My 29 year old brother cannot function without Mother doing EVERYTHING for him. He does not have SN! He bought the house next door to mum and dad because he wanted his own space, but mum goes into clean and tidy, she does all his cooking and washing. She even feeds, waters and walks his dog FGS!

He doesn't even know what direct debits he has coming out of his bank and how much money he has in his bank and needs to ring mum to see if he can get money out or use his card!!!! He cannot even do his own CV FGS. Mother did it and put her contact mobile number on it so she can talk to any prospective employers I pointed out to her that no employer is even going to consider him for a job if they have to go through his Mother FGS.

My brother is not working at the moment so has time to do all these for himself but wont as in his own words 'he cant'.

This is just the tip of the ice burg and there is so much more 'back story' and history in all of this.

I have just had mum on the phone ranting and raving about my brother that she is sick of it all and that he should be able to do. This is a regular occurrence. I kinda just felt a bit exasperated at her when she phoned. I am struggling at the moment (Mental health) My DC's are at that age where they positively love to wind me up lol and I just cannot cope with my mother right now.

So I told her that maybe if she didn't do everything for him he would learn and then she would not have to.

Needless to say Mother put the phone down on me and wont talk to me when I rang and spoke to my dad to see if she was okay.

OP posts:

Original poster

2littlegreenmonkeys · 03/03/2011 09:56

Whoooooops it is longer than I thought

OP posts:

GwendolineMaryLacey · 03/03/2011 10:00

Hmm, I think it needed to be said really. My mother takes the hump quite easily as well so I know how that feels but you didn't say anything that she doesn't know herself. In all likelihood she's pissed off with herself more than you because she knows you're right.

How does your brother feel about it all? Do you think that secretly he'd like to be independent but feels it's beyond him or is he wallowing in it?

curlymama · 03/03/2011 10:05

Sometimes the truth hurts, and it sounds like your Mum is beginning to realise that she hasn't been doing her ds any favours by running his life for him.

Agree with Gwendoline, it needed to be said. But now that it has been said, if she can see her mistakes, don't hold it against her. But likewise, tell her that you don't really want to hear her going on about it.

Eglu · 03/03/2011 10:08

YANBU. Your Mother has obviously liked being needed and has played to it. Now it is starting to annoy her, how can she suddnely expect your DB to know what to do if she has never let him learn.

ullainga · 03/03/2011 10:10

he "can't" look for a job, feed himself, walk his dog and handle his money at the age of 29? Well, it's about time he learned, I think.

Of course YANBU.

And "Mother did it and put her contact mobile number on it so she can talk to any prospective employers " wow. Is she planning to go to work with him and do his job as well if he can't even talk to a potential employer?

2rebecca · 03/03/2011 10:11

YANBU, but then she couldn't do this without your dad enabling it and not having a manly chat with his son so he is just as much to blame. I'd leave her for a while, but would repeat yourself if she starts moaning about your brother again. The solution is up to her. She just stops babying him and backs off.

2rebecca · 03/03/2011 10:14

We would not consider employing any adult who wanted their parent involved.
Are you sure he doesn't have special needs? I can't imagine a mentally able bloke putting up with this.
I presume he doesn't have girlfriends.

Original poster

2littlegreenmonkeys · 03/03/2011 10:15

Phew so not being that unreasonable then thank you.

My brother doesn't see it, he thinks he is independent, that is the most shocking thing. He cannot see it at all.

Like I said this is just the tip of the ice burg.

I have tentatively broached how I see the situation before. When a great aunt of mine was complaining to me about how much my mum 'has' to do for my brother. I was told I was just jealous. I said I would rather be independent and not have any help than be like my brother is. I seriously worry about him when mum and dad are no longer around. I will not be the one who takes over. I will show him how to do things but then he can do it on his own.
I sound quite harsh don't I.

OP posts:

NotANaturalGeordie · 03/03/2011 10:18

Have you spoken to your brother about how childish this makes him seem? Where does he get his money from now?

NotANaturalGeordie · 03/03/2011 10:18

YANBU BTW

2rebecca · 03/03/2011 10:19

No, he should already know how to do it.
Who taught you how to do stuff? Most of it like paying bills is fairly obvious, you just read the bills. Washing machines have instruction books, cookery books you just follow.
Unless he is mentally handicapped in some way you shouldn't have to show him anything. He can just get the relevent book and teach himself. None of it is difficult.

Original poster

2littlegreenmonkeys · 03/03/2011 10:23

No he doesn't have SN. He is partially deaf and wears a hearing aid (as am I and I wear 2 hearing aids not that 2 trumps one lol)

Dad is just as culpable I agree. He does what he is told for an easy life, not that that is an excuse but a reasoning behind why he allows it to happen.

He hasn't had a girlfriend as such but has a daughter from a girl he knows. I really like her and she would make a fabby SIL, in fact we call each other SIL lol.

My DN is 14 mo now and he has never had her overnight mum and dad do as my brother cannot possibly have to do anything WRT looking after his own child!! Mum reckons he would hear her at night, how she thinks I do with my two DD's I don't know. My parents themselves are partially deaf and can only hear a bit once they have taken their hearing aids out but they coped with me and my brother and they cope with my DN!!

OP posts:

GwendolineMaryLacey · 03/03/2011 10:26

Ah ok, I didn't think of the third option!

You don't sound harsh, it sounds like a genuine concern. Agree with 2rebecca. A 29 year old with no SN should find living on his own a piece of cake. Yes you need to learn how to manage finances etc but it's not beyond the wit of most people.

Original poster

2littlegreenmonkeys · 03/03/2011 10:26

My brother and I had completely different upbringings. I used to feel so about it when I was younger but now I am sooooo glad that I did not befall my brothers fate.

I would rather get things wrong and learn from it or teach myself and be independent than be like my brother is.

My brother just doesn't see it. I have tried to speak to him about it and all he says is I am wrong and jealous. If I am wrong why would I be jealous???

OP posts:

Original poster

2littlegreenmonkeys · 03/03/2011 10:28

Oh to answer notanaturalgeordie, he has signed on but mum and dad are now putting their house on the market. They say to downsize but I think they are going to pay his mortgage off.

OP posts:

Original poster

2littlegreenmonkeys · 03/03/2011 10:28

Oh and mum sorted everything out for he re signing on as well.

OP posts:

ullainga · 03/03/2011 10:31

His MOTHER is writing his CV and putting HER number on it so SHE can get him a job and discuss it with the employer. And he genuinely thinks he is independent?? Can I just say
again?

mmsmum · 03/03/2011 10:35

OP you are quite right and do not come across as jealous or harsh at all, in fact I think you are the only one who is doing your brother any good! That said, I don't know what you can do about it, but you are right to put your Mum straight

Original poster

2littlegreenmonkeys · 03/03/2011 10:39

I think TBH from now on I am not going to say anything unless mum comes to me to moan about it again then I will ask her not to. They know they are going to have to deal with it sometime as I have made it pretty clear to um I will not do what she does when she is no longer with us.
Mum actually said to me ' you will look after your brother once I have popped me clogs wont you' (her exact words. My exact words were ' no I wont'

OP posts:

2rebecca · 03/03/2011 10:46

Can you discuss with her and your dad when this has blown over why they feel a 29 year old man needs "looking after"?
Maybe discussing how your dad was at 29 or your husband, other 29 year olds. Discuss that at 29 he should be looking after other people, especially his daughter and not needing mummied.

Maybe try and find out why she thinks your brother is so incapable rather than just lazy.

I can't imagine wanting to fuss over my son at 29 in this way so I don't understand where she is coming from. My son (14)wants to move to a different country to work (currently Canada) so he's obviously not planning on moving in next door and being mummied either.

Original poster

2littlegreenmonkeys · 03/03/2011 10:49

I wish I could 2rebecca, there is absolutely no way my mother would be able to sit down and have this reasoned discussion. She is NEVER wrong in her eyes and will not be old otherwise. I would get more adult discussion out of a stone

OP posts:

Original poster

2littlegreenmonkeys · 03/03/2011 10:53

And dad would just say 'I know, but you know what your mother is like'

They came here to use my computer to do my brothers CV on and I commented about putting mums mobile number on it, dad agreed with me that it should be my brothers as no employer will even look at him if mummy has to do it. Mum went off the deep end and had a huge fit over it all (basically being told she was wrong). Luckily DH was off work last week so he had taken the DD's out and they didn't hear or see her acting that way.

OP posts:

JaneS · 03/03/2011 10:54

YANBU.

To be honest, if your brother does not have special needs, I think you need to tell your mother that you are very concerned about his mental state. It is not normal for a man of his age to be so dependent on his parents. Your mum (and brother) obviously need to be shocked out of this situation. It sounds as if you've gone in too gently, and your mum has just brushed you off.

Can you get your mum to come over for coffee, sit her down and tell her you are really worried? I don't think telling her she 'brought it on herself' will help - that sounds like blame and she will react by going on the defensive. If you can explain that your brother is not acting like a normal 29-year-old and it worries you, she and you can be worried together and can discuss how to get your brother to take more responsibility for his life.

JaneS · 03/03/2011 10:56

Sorry, cross-posted there. I still think you need to try to talk to your mum without telling her she's wrong. Maybe start by saying you've seen how she worries about your brother and you think she's right that he isn't coping on his own? Then she'll think you're not attacking her and you might be able to work out a solution.

iscream · 03/03/2011 11:03

That is crazy! Your mother has crippled him so much he can't be a man! Your father should have stepped in years ago. I wouldn't have any more conversations about it either, change the subject or say you have to go.

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