To tell my Mother that she has brought it on herself?

[2littlegreenmonkeys]

Well okay maybe I didn't put it as blunt as that but still...

My 29 year old brother cannot function without Mother doing EVERYTHING for him. He does not have SN! He bought the house next door to mum and dad because he wanted his own space, but mum goes into clean and tidy, she does all his cooking and washing. She even feeds, waters and walks his dog FGS!

He doesn't even know what direct debits he has coming out of his bank and how much money he has in his bank and needs to ring mum to see if he can get money out or use his card!!!! He cannot even do his own CV FGS. Mother did it and put her contact mobile number on it so she can talk to any prospective employers I pointed out to her that no employer is even going to consider him for a job if they have to go through his Mother FGS.

My brother is not working at the moment so has time to do all these for himself but wont as in his own words 'he cant'.

This is just the tip of the ice burg and there is so much more 'back story' and history in all of this.

I have just had mum on the phone ranting and raving about my brother that she is sick of it all and that he should be able to do. This is a regular occurrence. I kinda just felt a bit exasperated at her when she phoned. I am struggling at the moment (Mental health) My DC's are at that age where they positively love to wind me up lol and I just cannot cope with my mother right now.

So I told her that maybe if she didn't do everything for him he would learn and then she would not have to.

Needless to say Mother put the phone down on me and wont talk to me when I rang and spoke to my dad to see if she was okay.

I would love to be able to LittleRedDragon, I really would. Mum will never ever see my point of view though as she sees what she is doing as right. My brother will never change I don't think until it is forced on him by my parents no longer being here.

The thing is I am 100% sure he can do those normal everyday things and function as an adult, he just doesn't want to because this way he has the best of both worlds (in his mind anyway) He had the privacy of his own house but the privileges of being a toddler and being looked after by his mummy.

But having said that my DD1 who is 3yo can function better than my brother. She tidies her room, brings her pots to the kitchen, helps empty/fill the dishwasher. Help empty/fill washing machine. I even caught her cleaning the bath with some baby wipes a couple of nights a go after she had had a bath just like she seems DH & I do (I find baby wipes work wonders on tide marks lol) DD1 even feeds our dogs and gets them water from the bathroom (downstairs) she puts her clothes in the laundry basket. DD2 is 19mo and she likes to help empty the dishwasher in her own way.

It annoys the hell out of me that my brother thinks he cannot do it, although I have a sneaky feeling he knows he can but wont as he has a nice easy life. Which is sad that he sees it like that because anyone who looks into his life sees exactly what I do and what all of you do.

Get her a psycholgy book with a chapter in it about learnt helplessness, that what she has created.

Somewhere along the line she has been fulling a need within herself. Your brother has taken this behaviour on board as normal, as does any child, so it will come across to him as you being jealous.

This is not a healthy or enjoyable way of life for your brother so never envy him. How will he ever sustain a relationship?

You have every right to give an honest answer to whatever she has to say about your brother. But if they will not change, distance yourself from it, for your own sanity.

Not an easy situation for you, I'm sorry.

I guess if you're sure your mum won't budge, there's nothing much you can do. It does sound as if you're all fixed in roles here - your brother the needy/lazy one, your mum whose temper can't be risked as she knows she's right, your dad letting it happen and distancing himself from his responsibility. It sounds as if a lot of the pressure is on you here.

Does your mum have some guilt about your brother for some reason?

2Little YANBU you need to look after yourself more so when you are poorly, this happend to me with my mother I used to get 'greif' about her situation re other family members (in-laws) when I was going through a really difficult time with PND and had my own family.

I accept that parents come to respect their adult children and value their input and advice but ear bashing and putting onto you is not on.

My mum can be very insensitive she has done some real corkers and even said something last week about pg/baby when we are TTC and she knew I was upset or maybe not

However OP it is important to stick up for yourself, and if its any consultation she has created a massive rod for her back by doing all of this for him it very old fashioned.

Just remember they are adults and they need to take responsibility fo ther respective roles. You have yours in your home. Seems a case of tough love am afraid for your mum.

It is difficult I feel so sorry for my brother but OTOH he is an grown man if he wanted to change he could.

iscream, that sounds plausible but I cant for the life of me think what she would be feeling guilty about.

I know I sound as if I am not bothering to deal with it but I know my parents. I have got to concentrate of my family and myself. At least I know how NOT to bring my DD's up. I have always said if DH and I are lucky enough to have another baby and we have a boy I might move MIL in as she did a fantastic job with DH.

Birdsgottafly I actually have a psychology book (well several as I am extremely interested in psychology) I will dig one out and point it out to my mum as a last ditch attempt.

I do fear that the only time my brother will be able to stand on his own two feet will be when mum is no longer with us and that makes me very sad.

I agree with mmsmum, that you are the only one in a position to do your brother any good. Frankly, your parents are a disgrace for allowing this bullshit.

I know it's patronising to praise people for things everyone ought to be able to do, but in your case, I think you really deserve praise for (a) turning out differently from your parents and your brother, and (b) for having extra obstacles which mean you have to be inventive and organised (working out how to hear your children at night, etc.).

Is your "SIL" an enabler as well? Why the hell did she sleep with him, if she isn't/wasn't precisely a "girlfriend"? Does she despair of him, too?

OMG there is a SIL too? Need a kick up the bum.

You look after yourself they are ADULTS!!!

I don't have a huge amount to add to what has already been said except that I have a great deal of sympathy for you 2littlegreenmonkeys. I'm in a similar situation with my brother (although we suspect that he's actually autistic - but at 30, how do you tell someone?)

I try to distance myself as much as possible (without seeming uncaring) because I have enough stuff to get on with, and a duty to my ds to help him learn those skills that my brother doesn't have. It's very hard to do, but you have priorities. I certainly don't think you were BU for telling your mum though. I've done the same in the past.

Thanks plupedantic Not very inventive though I just used a normal monitor like everyone else but had it really loud, luckily DH can hear a pin drop a mile away. Although if DH was away at night I slept with my hearing aids in still, although not anymore as my DD's are rather bloody loud and as I have some hearing I can slightly hear them without my hearing aids in.

SIL is lovely and I really like her but she is my mother just younger I'm afraid, although she doesn't have as much of a temper as my mum. I have my suspicions as to why she slept with him which I think have to do with her own upbringing and self esteem issues

YANBU and I really feel for you.

I'm not surprised your mum wasn't nice to you - do we see a teeny tiny touch of favouritism here? A nonconfrontational approach might work better, however, as I think you are officially Dealing with Difficult People.

You know when problem pages tell the person 'it's not your problem'? - this really isn't your problem.

Both of them will prob try and get you involved - bad family situations are like vacuums, they suck other people in to use what they can get out them - so try not to engage. Easier said than done but gentle repetition of non-involvement should work.

I feel sorry for your DB, and so do you probably, but you can't help him. I wouldn't waste much emotional energy your mother - it would be a genuine waste.

This sounds harsh, but it isn't - leaving them to it is the kindest option. And being kind to yourself and your own family is more important than that.

Good luck. How awful for you.

My brother and my SIL have never actually had a 'relationship' in the normal sense they both call it friends with privileges. But for all intents and purposes I call her my SIL and she calls me her SIL as we just don't know any other way to describe each other. They don't live together.

Thanks everyone, I appreciate it, I feel much better now as I felt awful earlier on after speaking to mum.

I am going to take DD2 out to the library now and a mooch round the shops. DD1 is at nursery today

Don't feel guilty! Never again! Don't! Don't! Please.

Best of British and all that.

Oh yes, you could my talking about my mother and brother here.

YANBU to tell her. It will fall on deaf ears though if she is anything like my mum who goes round in circles in the vicious cycle of "brother fucks up his life/mummy picks up pieces so he never feels the consequence of his actions"

SIL - they are not in a 'relationship' as she 'mothers him' type of relationship. Enjoy library.

It just goes to show that dysfunctional behaviour breeds more dysfunctional behaviour in the people around. Sorry to say this, but your parents and brother may make more people's lives worse as they go through life (imagine if your B is assigned a social worker/case worker! ).

Even if the poor "SIL" had her own issues before meeting him, it's sad that she's got sucked into his shitstorm, as other kinds of "mistake" (the sort which don't t result in a new person, a real person) are easier to walk away from.

I am just thinking here that if he ever gets himself a proper girlfriend they are all going to be in for a big shock - your mother, your brother and the girlfriend. Do your parents ever go away for a holiday? How does he cope when they are gone (fairly well I would imagine, its just that he doesn't want the hassle of doing this stuff)

Where the hell is he going to meet a "proper girlfriend"?! He doesn't go to work, toddler groups or - hahahahaha - the supermarket..... anywhere where people, who are managing their own affairs, go!

We-ell, maaaaaaybe there's the pub. But when she can't meet him during the day because - ahem - she has to work or look after her child, any relationship is likely to fizzle!

What a waste of a life, and the money needed to provide for it!

These things that your brother can´t do-has your mum even let him try?

How can he have set up DDs & not know how much they are for?

Is it more a case of your mum wanting to keep him dependent & therefore close by?

And your brother can do these things but just lets her get on with it?

I didn't bother with the library lol DD2 has gone for a nap.

Mum is a second signatory on all of his accounts so that she can set up the direct debit and sign for them or gets him to sign for them by shoving any paperwork in front of him.

He did work up until recently but worked for my dad self employed and business has just dried up so has had to sign on he has only been signing on for the last 3 weeks.

When mum and dad go on holiday he gets on with it, sometimes rings me for advice on something which I am happy to give him. but he copes and I think deep down he enjoys it but finds it easier to have it done for him. He does not see it as being mummied or being emasculated. He thinks it's normal because to him it is normal.

I think my mum plays a martyr TBH, I think she loves doing everything for him but complains about it so that she gets sympathy from our family and her friends. I think she NEEDS him to NEED her if that makes sense.

I doubt that he will actually ever have a girlfriend and a real relationship which is sad as my brother is actually quite a nice person just a twat when it comes to this. I cannot see any woman (issues or no issues) willing to take him on. He would be better off with a house keeper who does admin on the side for him lol.

I do feel sorry for my DN sometimes and I hope to god that she doesn't end up like him or end up looking after him. I think I may have to say/do something if it ever gets to that point and I fear my DN mum wont.

The banking stuff is bizarre. My teenage kids manage their own bank accounts and love doing so, and they aren't allowed (by their particular banks) to have internet banking. I find internet banking very easy. You can easily see what comes out of your account when and easily change direct debits.
His bank statements should tell him this. How come you were able to learn this fairly easy stuff where as he didn't? Generally men like to be financially independant.

My mum was like this with my brother too. My mum tragically died quite young and my brother got married around the same time so now he is looked after by someone else.

I used to feel the same as you, like I was banging my head against a brick wall. Nothing I said made any difference and my mum just sort of closed down if I ever tried to discuss it with her.

My mum used to make his bed, run his baths, phone up for jobs for him, make his food, if he had to get the bus she'd sort out the correct change for him etc. I used to say the same as you, that he will never learn to do things for himself and no one is going to offer someone an interview (let alone a job) if their mum does the phoning. It did no good though.

It sounds horrible to say but I felt that my mum (and my dad of course) was actually not doing her job as a mother by doing these things for him, as a parents job is to teach their children to be able to function in the outside world. She was only trying to look after him though.

My mum had this weird idea that looking after meant "doing everything for" which is of course a different thing.