To tell my Mother that she has brought it on herself?

[2littlegreenmonkeys]

Well okay maybe I didn't put it as blunt as that but still...

My 29 year old brother cannot function without Mother doing EVERYTHING for him. He does not have SN! He bought the house next door to mum and dad because he wanted his own space, but mum goes into clean and tidy, she does all his cooking and washing. She even feeds, waters and walks his dog FGS!

He doesn't even know what direct debits he has coming out of his bank and how much money he has in his bank and needs to ring mum to see if he can get money out or use his card!!!! He cannot even do his own CV FGS. Mother did it and put her contact mobile number on it so she can talk to any prospective employers I pointed out to her that no employer is even going to consider him for a job if they have to go through his Mother FGS.

My brother is not working at the moment so has time to do all these for himself but wont as in his own words 'he cant'.

This is just the tip of the ice burg and there is so much more 'back story' and history in all of this.

I have just had mum on the phone ranting and raving about my brother that she is sick of it all and that he should be able to do. This is a regular occurrence. I kinda just felt a bit exasperated at her when she phoned. I am struggling at the moment (Mental health) My DC's are at that age where they positively love to wind me up lol and I just cannot cope with my mother right now.

So I told her that maybe if she didn't do everything for him he would learn and then she would not have to.

Needless to say Mother put the phone down on me and wont talk to me when I rang and spoke to my dad to see if she was okay.

frankly mum and son are dysfunctional.they mutually support this arrangement,and no amount of opining or suggestive by you will change this chronic embedded behaviour

what im saying is dont knock yourself out trying to change them,or taking sides. you wont get thanks and will get pelters and get exasperated

the folk that need to change are mum and your brother

attend to yourself and your needs.bit of self preservation

No mum doesn't work. I agree she needs to be needed, she always wanted a little boy and she has had one now for the last 29 years.

I sound quite jealous. I'm not jealous of this situation but I would love to be able to have a nice relationship with my mum, not all on her terms.

pragmatically,you wont change how they interact with each other.is enduring and dysfunctional relationship that they both mutually enact

best you can do is be boundaried in your relationship with mum,and try out what works for you and her

Wanted to add to my previous post, that I think my mum was that way with my brother because she felt like she needed to make herself useful, she wasn't able to work due to ill health so I think she thought that she had to do everything for him and my dad.

I think she also thought he wasn't capable, he isn't that smart (possible SN) but only mild and could have done these things if left to it/shown how/bit of encouragement etc.

Also though, looking back through that side of my family, the woman doing everything for the men and the men being incapable was standard. The men weren't expected to do anything for themselves so when would they ever learn? And I remember being told very trongly by other female relations that it was our job!