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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

..to be a little concerned that ds1 wants the class "bully" to come to his bday party?

57 replies

vmcd28 · 02/03/2011 10:41

So it's ds1's 6th bday soon, and we've been discussing who he wants to go to his party. He named a lot of people in his class, including one boy who is always in trouble for his behaviour towards the other kids. Ds1 has previously been kicked in the stomach by him. At a school coffee morning I informally discussed him with the head teacher, as ds1 had been getting upset about his behaviour. She said he is sent to her office nearly every day, but she believes he has ADHD or something similar, so the authorities are now involved to see what's wrong etc etc.
I digress. My point is, ds1 can't seem to come up with a reason why he wants him there. I said, "I didn't think you'd invite him as he's sometimes mean to you." He replied, "I won't play with him at the party, but maybe Callum could." We've discussed a few times who to invite, and he mentions this boy every time. Is he maybe trying to stay on his good side? He doesn't give any indication that he's scared to not invite him. Am I missing something?

There are only 16 kids in the class so I suspect we'll just invite them all, but that's not really the point.

Should I just let it go? I feel like he's being more grown up than I am, I.e. it's nice to be nice to everyone, whereas I'm the one who thinks he shouldn't invite him cos he's been really mean to ds1 at times. But this is what I can't see past - he's physically hurt my wee boy and often teases him, and I'm not able to get over that very quickly.

Ugh.

OP posts:

worraliberty · 02/03/2011 10:43

Perhaps he's not as mean as you think he is and that a few incidents doesn't mean he's bullying your son?

Gotabookaboutit · 02/03/2011 10:49

And maybe your son is more understanding than you of this little boys problems.

Oblomov · 02/03/2011 10:52

A number of my friends have had similar. Our ds's (7) Year 2, each wanted to invite friends they don't get on with/bullies/ etc.
We couldn't work it out. And then we assumed that they wanted to win them over / trying to get the said boy to like them / Makes life easier if you do invite them and then they may be a bit nicer to you and not get you into trouble.
was the only thing we could all think of as a rational reason.

But then we were only haveing 4 or 5 friends over, out of two classes of 30.
If you are doing all 16, just go with them all.

Oblomov · 02/03/2011 10:56

Missed the ADHD thing. Poor boy. IS the mum supportive ? does she know thta her son has been doing this ? If she seems nice and is trying to dela with this, when why don't you give her a ring. give her a break. be honest. tell her your son was hurt, but also be gentle and ask her if he would be o.k. at a party. This gives you the opportunity to let her know in no uncertian terms, but also be supportive, if she is caring she will want this to work.

worraliberty · 02/03/2011 10:56

I think as adults sometimes we think too deeply. There have been times in the past I've described a child as naughty (because they really were) and my child has said "Oh no Mum, his/her behaviour has really improved"

That makes me feel guilty because it's easy to forget that they are growing and learning all the time.

Some of the really nice kids in my local senior school were totally out of control when they were in primary. It just goes to show they obviously can/do change.

backwardpossom · 02/03/2011 10:57

I'm more than a little concerned that a HT is discussing another pupil's needs/behaviour with you to be honest. I'm disgusted that HT told you he possibly has ADHD and the relevant authorities are involved in particular. I'd be outraged if I were that child's parent.

worraliberty · 02/03/2011 10:58

I wouldn't Oblom as the child hasn't been diagnosed with anything yet and the parent might (quite rightly) be very annoyed at the Head for discussing that with another parent.

worraliberty · 02/03/2011 10:58

Exactly backward

Dawnyann · 02/03/2011 11:01

My initial thought would be that he is inviting him so as to keep on his good side but that is only based on something that i'd have done myself at that age.

My DD is only 3 so i've yet to face this situation. Hope everything works it's self out

ladyfirenze · 02/03/2011 11:02

oh please let him come! It might be a total nightmare, but I think it's really amazing your ds still wants to invite him.

there is a little boy in my dts class at school. we recently did a twin 6th birthday, and neither of mine wanted to invite child x from the class.

the boy in question comes from a 'rough' type family, and is absolutely brutal if he get's into any kind of tussle. He doesn't have a nice time at school, and is never asked to any of the parties. I can understand why, but it's not the child's fault. The behaviour is learned, and obviously acceptable at home (I know the parents, and pop in to see them now and again)

I spoke to my dc's and they eventually agreed he could come. Well, the party was mental, but I was really clear about them all having to behave nicely, and nobody died or had a horrid time. Interestingly, the child has since been invited to some other parties now, and is definately being 'brought along' by the group as a whole. I'm a great believer in community parenting where possible.

carryon · 02/03/2011 11:02

Yes let it go as it sounds as though you are inviting the whole class. If you were only inviting 5 or 6 children then perhaps ask your son again whether he wants X there. If he says yes then go with it. I think you are thinking about this from your perspective as a parent whose child has been hurt by X instead of on a childs level who tend to forgive and forget much quicker than we do.

Maryz · 02/03/2011 11:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zikes · 02/03/2011 11:13

At 6, they fall out one minute and play together the next. Just because the child in question's behaviour is sometimes bad, doesn't mean he's unlikeable.

Maybe you're holding grudges when your ds isn't. (Which is perfectly understandable, as you love your son and don't like him getting hurt).

zikes · 02/03/2011 11:14

At that age it's not right to write off a child as a bully.

newpup · 02/03/2011 11:17

I am that a head would discuss another child in this way with you!

cory · 02/03/2011 11:17

I also used to find ds moved on a lot quicker than I did, that I would remember a child as "difficult" or a "bully" long after ds had discovered new sides to him.

bupcakesandcunting · 02/03/2011 11:17

Your son sounds lovely for thinking of inviting him :)

If you KNOW he is a bit of a handful, when he arrives smile politely and say "Welcome! We'll have no funny business today, sir"

Cappster · 02/03/2011 11:17

"she believes he has ADHD or something similar, so the authorities are now involved to see what's wrong etc etc.
I digress."

no, you don't digress.

By the class 'bully' you mean the 'boy in the class who may need extra help'?

Oblomov · 02/03/2011 11:27

worra, totally agree. totally inappropriate for head to say anything to another parent.
But we all hera of sn childrens parents, wishing they woukld be invited to a party.
this can be solved. no need to mention the words adhd. or to mention it was said by the head. Op can mention the facts of what her ds has done to her ds, and then say ' would ds like to come .... bit worried', which politely puts the ball back into the court of the other mum.
is this not wise ?

worraliberty · 02/03/2011 11:35

Sounds like a good plan Oblomov

I'd also be inclined to invite the parents and pray they accept lol.

Original poster

vmcd28 · 02/03/2011 12:37

Thanks for all the great replies!
To answer some of your points -
worra I don't actually think he's bullying ds, I said I think he's mean to him. However during Xmas hols, ds was in tears talking about him at one point, which isn't brilliant. I agree though that people change a lot throughout childhood.
Gotabook ds doesn't know about boy x's problems, but yes maybe he does understand more than Id expect him to.
oblomov I suspect the same, that he's trying to keep him on side, but I wish he was able to articulate that. I know he's probably too young to rationalise it at all. I've seen the mum at one other party. Both parents were there and ordered lunch. They also bought chips and chocolate for boy x even tho he was just about to get lots of party food. They didn't intervene when he was shouting in another boy's face calling him names. His mum has also been seen collecting him from school at 3pm in her pyjamas, so imho they're not really sending out the best message to him. I am certain she must know what's happening if it's at this stage. She'll absolutely know that his behaviour is not acceptable, as they are awarded green, amber or red traffic lights each day to represent their behaviour, and according to ds, boy x gets red most days.
backward and newpup I agree 100% that the head teacher shouldn't have gone into any detail about him. I kind of see why she did tho - she doesn't want him to be left out by the others based on him being "naughty", when there is a reason for it.
carryon my thoughts exactly.
ladyfirenze what a lovely post, I like the way you think :) And the boy you mention sounds very similar.
Maryz you're right. Absolutely.
Zikes I assume your comment is general, rather than being aimed at me, cos I didn't "write him off" at all. Also I had deliberately put the term "bully" in quotation marks because it wasn't really the right word to use (I'm still not sure what is). I was just concerned as to why ds wants him there, and wondered if keeping the peace was reason enough to invite him.
Cappster when I said I digress, I meant I was starting to go into unnecessary detail about boy x, I didn't mean that the adhd comment was irrelevant (if I thought that, I wouldn't even have mentioned it!)

I don't have any experience of adhd or similar, but when a child has been disciplined at school for hitting, kicking, spitting and shouting in the face of others then I am concerned that he may upset my ds at his party, which would be crap.
I do think that we'll end up inviting everyone anyway - if ds wants more than half of them to come, it'd be unfair not to ask them all.

OP posts:

GabbyLoggon · 02/03/2011 12:50

bullying ....schools tend to say: none in my school. Until something really nasty happens

Do you remember the young olympic swimmer case.the school seemed to play down vicious threats.

Not an easy subject. "Gabby"

hanaka88 · 02/03/2011 18:46

My little boy has autism as well as lots of other issues. He sometimes hurts other children but luckily for me the parents in my school are very understanding, explain things to their children and would NEVER leave him out. In fact they go ou of their way to include him.

From this post it seems that I'm lucky to be around people who are decent. Your little boy, however, sounds lovely.

MarylandCookie · 02/03/2011 18:50

I agree wholeheartedly with hanaka88.

Thank God some parents are more understanding. My DS (ASD, but took a while to diagnose, so for a long time he was just 'problem child' at school) would have had no friends at all if people had labelled him the 'class bully' at the age of 6 yrs old. Luckily, most parents didn't and he was invited to parties and treated kindly, like a small child with some issues (which is what he was).

exoticfruits · 02/03/2011 19:08

I should go with your DS,he sounds lovely.

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