..to be a little concerned that ds1 wants the class "bully" to come to his bday party?

[vmcd28]

So it's ds1's 6th bday soon, and we've been discussing who he wants to go to his party. He named a lot of people in his class, including one boy who is always in trouble for his behaviour towards the other kids. Ds1 has previously been kicked in the stomach by him. At a school coffee morning I informally discussed him with the head teacher, as ds1 had been getting upset about his behaviour. She said he is sent to her office nearly every day, but she believes he has ADHD or something similar, so the authorities are now involved to see what's wrong etc etc.
I digress. My point is, ds1 can't seem to come up with a reason why he wants him there. I said, "I didn't think you'd invite him as he's sometimes mean to you." He replied, "I won't play with him at the party, but maybe Callum could." We've discussed a few times who to invite, and he mentions this boy every time. Is he maybe trying to stay on his good side? He doesn't give any indication that he's scared to not invite him. Am I missing something?

There are only 16 kids in the class so I suspect we'll just invite them all, but that's not really the point.

Should I just let it go? I feel like he's being more grown up than I am, I.e. it's nice to be nice to everyone, whereas I'm the one who thinks he shouldn't invite him cos he's been really mean to ds1 at times. But this is what I can't see past - he's physically hurt my wee boy and often teases him, and I'm not able to get over that very quickly.

Ugh.

Hanaka and maryland I got really upset when I read your posts, as I think you've really got me wrong. I apologise if my wording or anything I have said has offended you. I feel really crap that I've said something which makes you think I'm not even decent.

He has not been diagnosed with anything at all, so at the moment I don't know for sure if he does have special needs or what they are. But to be totally clear, I never ever ever ever would consider not inviting him as a result of his special needs - if he's not invited, then it would only be because ds only wants a few people from his class to go. If boy x is one he wants to invite, that's fine! My op was purely for opinions on why he'd want someone to go who has physically hurt him and shouts at him and laughs at him. The options to me were always that he chooses 5 or 6 kids in his class to go or he invites everyone so that none of them are left out.

I don't know much about adhd, but as I said, he has made ds very very upset on many occasions (long before there was even a suggestion that he had any special needs), hence why I was surprised that he mentioned him as being someone that he'd like to be there. When/if he is diagnosed then I will absolutely explain things to ds and will find out more so that we all understand it better.

Maryland, in my last post I said "bully" was in quotes because I know it's not the correct word for him. But he's not actually been diagnosed with anything, so I hadn't considered that the word had such a powerful meaning in this case - and I apologise for that, I totally see where you're coming from.

I totally agree with the sentiments about not labelling children, and those with Autism etc.

But people being a bit harsh to OP!

She was just trying to figure out her son's motivation.

Thanks, Jamaica - but I wasn't labelling, tho! I wasn't! I KNOW it was the wrong word!

As parents we think alot about motives and reasons and feelings with our adult heads. However, children seem to very much live in the here and now - they fight/disagree but they get over it and don't seem to hold a grudge. Often very accepting in differences even if at the time it is upsetting for them.

My DS1 who is also 6 has gone to great lengths to invite different class mates round for tea - he asks 'who haven't I invited before ?' and often chooses some-one other than who I would have thought he would like from his close group of friends.

Good luck with the party 16 children at your house sounds like a glass of wine will be needed.

Thanks, pippy! It's not at the house, thank god!!

I am appalled at the head discussing this little boy with you.

Amber, me too. But I see her motives, and I'm glad she did. Still, she shouldn't have.

I am so impressed by your little boy OP.
My ds is currently under investigation for some sort of behavioural difficulties. He is great fun, lively, happy, enthusiastic...and sometimes gets it wrong.
He is also currently being bullied by several parents of his friends who are unable to cope with a child who is less than perfect. The results of the parental behaviour have been devastating to us as an entire family.
For a child of 6 to be ostracised is mean spirited and sets a very poor example.
Your little boy is showing his ability to forgive, accept, to be flexible and to be kind.

What a lovely little boy you have!

We have had a similar experience and I was moved to tears by my 6 year old DS saying last year that he wanted to invite x to his 6th birthday party because it was not his fault that he was mean...

Firstly, what a lovely little chap yours sounds. Secondly.

I have a son exactly the same age as this little boy. My son is going through the adhd process, the head sees him mosts days and knows this.

Here is what I know about ADHD. To get seen for an assessment under six PARENTS have to push like hell, go to parenting classes first and have the absolute support of the school. It takes committed parenting to get to just the referral point.

You send most of your time either apologising to other parents for your childs behaviour or tearing your hair out trying not to be negative. My son is beautiful but he too can be difficult. Sometimes I look shit when I pick him up. I have a one year old, a full time career and my son to deal with so frankly I dont give a toss whether people like my outfit or hair. Perhaps you might like to bear this in mind next time you are judging her for not looking how you would like at the school gates. Whilst I have every sympathy with your upset at your childs tears and upset because of this boy - I would hate it if that were my child - a number of your points just made you sound snobby and judgemental, the pyjamas one in particular. Can I just make it very clear that ADHD is not caused by bad parenting. Its genetic. My partner had it, as did my dad.

Being the parent of an adhd child is challenging at best and bloody heartrending at worst. When my little boy cant understand his homework he punches himself in the face with frustration. When other children shy away from him, often understandably, he cant understand why he isnt "a good boy like the others" and tells me he hates himself. I would like at this point to reiterate that he is five. Last week he told me he would like to kill himself because he will never be "a nice boy like the other children who always gets on the good boys and noone wants to be his friend".

I also found out that a couple of parents had isolated him from parties. This is despite me always attending to manage his behaviour. He was the only one not invited. He cried for two days because the children in question told him they wanted him to come but their mummies said no because he is and I quote "a bad boy" who should be avoided. Neither he nor the child you are discussing is bad, they have special needs. Its shit for the other kids at times and if I were in your position I would consider the same thing, but because I empathise with the little boy in question can you

a. stop referring to him as a bully. If he has adhd then it is rarely done with spite - it is a lack of impulse control.
b. consider talking to his mother. Ask if she is ok, explain that you would like to not exclude him and suggest that if she could come and keep an eye he would be more then welcome. It is entirely your decision but I promise you this child faces a lifetime of rejection and confusion if he has adhd and a little kindness on your part now will mean a great deal.

I have to be honest I am also a bit shocked that you a. mentioned this to the headteacher after one incident and b. that she went into details with you. I am fed up justifying my childs existence to other parents with their judgy pants on and would be furious with a teacher breaching our confidence in that way.

god that was lengthy - sorry going through the other side of this myself right now and there is nothing like your child breaking his heart over being ostracised at five to make you come over all ranty.

prettyfly1 my ds is 6 and in a very similar situation and it is heartbreaking. It is a very lonely place to be. Feel free to pm me if you are ever in need.

carrots I may just do that - thanks for the offer - soooo hard!!!!!

you and teacher shouldnt be gossiping about a child.most unprofessional of teacher

and you are inadvertently imposing value judgement and labels to 6yo.i appreciate we all dont warm to all weans all the time but i think purposefully not inviting is mean

let your son chose whom he wants to attend.have smashing birthday.maybe the boy's mum will value being included.the anguish of not being invited would be hard upon boy and mum

Carrots, thank you. I agree. He has been the adult in all of this.

prettyfly thank you for your post - I appreciate you explaining things to me. I have said - and will say again - I used "that word" in my original post, but used quotation marks because I know it was the wrong term. I have apologised as I did not realise how emotive a word it was, given that he has not in fact been diagnosed with anything. However, I have apologised as I now realise why a parent in your positional could be peed off by it.
What I said was that I wasn't convinced that he was being given a great example by his parents, as they did not intervene when he was shouting in another boy's face and also she turns up to collect him in pyjamas at 3pm - no mention of her hair or anything, so I'm really not sure why youve mentioned that. I don't think I should be judged as a snob because I suggested she should be dressed by 3pm. I've suffered from severe depression but wouldn't collect my son in my pjs. That's all. Not snobbish, just an opinion.
I'm not sure what other 'number of points' make me sound judgemental.

I have previously wondered if my ds has problems of his own - he does similar things to your ds - punches himself in the stomach any time he gets a row for anything. He says everyone hates him, even tho I know he has friends. He too has said he wishes he was dead. Horrendous. If he is given an amber for behaviour, I discuss it with him but never punish him because it has already been dealt with, but he uses phrases like, "I'm a ribbish kid" etc. I could go on, but just wanted to say that I really do get your point. I hope your son is getting whatever he needs that will help him.

Re your comment about the parties, it is really beyond the pale that anyone would exclude one child from a party, no matter what the reason. Read thru my posts - that was certainly never what would be happening in our case. Never.

Re mentioning this to the head teacher - it was not based on one incident, I'm not sure why you think that it was. It was many. And - as I said already - it was an informal chat at a coffee morning, not a formal meeting because it did not warrant that.
And - as i have already said - I agree. She should not have mentioned any of that, but I believe she did it for the right reasons.

Thankyou for your post. Your op did come across as though it was the punching incident that led you to talk to her. I apologise for mixing up details - like I said, I pretty much am the mum you are talking about (not her in rl - more then 16 in my sons class) but its very easy to project my feelings onto this situation.

I think the appearance thing is a red herring - how she dresses, even if not dressed at 3 pm, is her choice and doesnt really reflect on her parenting style. I regularly rock up in trackies and a t-shirt looking a mess, which was my point (sorry to be confusing, typing as I think) because I honestly dont care how I look some days. You certainly wouldnt believe that I run a successful business, but I do. Appearances can be deceptive and I think including it in your op made it sound like you were judging her as a parent and suggesting that she had somehow contributed to her sons behaviour because of how she looks/what she feeds them (the chocolate/chips comment being the other one that bugged me). I have my son on a strict restricted diet but even I give him a break on special occasions - is it possible thats what you saw?

Re: the shouting in another boys face - totally unnacceptable, but I know a couple of parents who are so worn down by their kids behaviour that a lot of it goes over their head. Not right but I can understand how it gets there.

I totally get why you feel the way you do about this chiild. He hurt your boy and if you are planning on excluding a number of kids, you can probably get away with it but kids do talk so please god dont tell your son the truth why.

Your son sounds like a lovely wee thing by the way - "I am a rubbish kid" is word for word what mine comes out with - doesnt it literally take your heart out of your chest?

I had a think about the head teachers comments and tried to put myself in my head teachers shoes - the only reason I could see her telling another parent would be to protect my son from the "bad boy" comments by justifying it with the real reason behind it, so perhaps your belief that she was doing it for the right reasons is correct.

Cheers for being prepared to listen btw - its rare on AIBU [SMILE]. I hope your son has a lovely birthday.

dammit my smile didnt come up - (and not in a passive aggressive way!)

Prettyfly, thank you. Really.
But noooooo I wasn't suggesting his diet has anything to do with his behaviour! Just that we're at a kids party, the party food - chips, pizzas and burgers - are being brought to the party room, yet they ordered him chips and chocolate! Just seemed like an odd message to him. Thats all. God, if it was all to do with diet, my ds would have no hope - can't get fruit to pass his lips! ! Nothing judgemental about what he eats!

Scottishmummy, nobody said anything about purposely not inviting him, cos yes that would be very mean. I simply questioned ds's motives. And gossiping? Um, no, hardly. It was a mum who was concerned that her ds regularly gets upset, kicked and hurt by one child asking the head teacher what I should do if it gets out of hand. But thanks for assuming I was having a good gossip. I get no pleasure out of ds being hurt or upset, or out of finding out that this other boy may have special needs.
And I cannot keep saying that I know the term I used was not the correct one.

Off to bed now, thanks for all the constructive comments - I've learned a lot.

there use to be a boy in my sons class who had ADHD he has now moved away,all the boys in his class were a close knit group so this boy was often included in social activities,parties etc its very hard to leave one child out.from my experience whenever he came to my house he was always very well behaved,polite and very sweet but i know for a fact he was a swine at school and very disrutive.

If the head teacher discussed Things with you I would talk to the mother. I know they aren't supposed to but I told the headteacher and teachers in ds school that they should tell other parents to raise awareness about him. And I do the same. I think it's a good idea as the parents then gossip behind closed doors, get their heads around it and then tel me 'aww he's really cute though'

Talking to the mum would be a really good idea, maybe she needs a friend and if your ds spends time with hers he might calm down a bit around your ds and your ds will know how to deal with him more.

I recently had an incidet at school where my ds stared at a little girl for a full 10 minutes right in her face, non deterrred by anything (sensory issue) and freaked the little girl out. I saw her mum out afterwards and she said she explained afterwards but didn't know if she should explain in front of my ds :) I said if her child was getting frightened then yes she should. It was lovely to hear a parent explaining things to a child.

Btw even if there is nothing 'wrong' (I hate that word) with him and it's just issues at home and bad parenting, it still isn't the fault of a 6 year old and he still has problems. After all he's only 6

Both of my sons had a friend who was rough and sometime would get into fights and often were in trouble at school. When they played or slept over at our house they were good as gold. I feel children can influence each others behavior for the better sometimes. Maybe invite the boy over to play and see how he relates with your boy? I would allow him to come to the party if he shows he can behave. My niece has been diagnosed with various things over the years, she never had friends, was never invited anywhere. Not once. Her parents let her have whole class sleep overs and stuff to try and help her make friends, the kids would gladly enjoy the sleepover, then shun/bully her at school on Monday.

Re-reading my post, I just want to make it clear that my sons did not get in trouble, it was the 2 boys they knew, who did. I only knew they were rough as other mothers were surprised I allowed ds's to play with them. One phoned me up and said her boy was not allowed to join us as planned to trick or treat on Halloween, as this other so called bully was invited. These were years apart, as my kids are 12 years apart in age, but both mild mannered and good natured boys. But they never did anything rough or naughty at our home. Both turned out to be fine young men.

"But they never did anything rough or naughty at our home. Both turned out to be fine young men."
"They" being the rough boys, I shall give up on replies tonight, I seem to be doing a poor job telling the story! Sorry about that.

Iscream, that is disgusting about your niece!! But alaso different from my situation, altho I can see why you made the comment. Ds has only been to two parties since he started school in august, and I know there have been parties he hasn't been invited to. But still we're happy for everyone to come to his. We would never have excluded this boy if a) ds decided to invite the whole class or b) ds simply wanted him to come.

Hanaka, I will def have a chat with his mum at the party. If he is unable to come, I'll text her back to try to start a chat.

Again, thanks to everyone for their comments.