..to be a little concerned that ds1 wants the class "bully" to come to his bday party?

[vmcd28]

So it's ds1's 6th bday soon, and we've been discussing who he wants to go to his party. He named a lot of people in his class, including one boy who is always in trouble for his behaviour towards the other kids. Ds1 has previously been kicked in the stomach by him. At a school coffee morning I informally discussed him with the head teacher, as ds1 had been getting upset about his behaviour. She said he is sent to her office nearly every day, but she believes he has ADHD or something similar, so the authorities are now involved to see what's wrong etc etc.
I digress. My point is, ds1 can't seem to come up with a reason why he wants him there. I said, "I didn't think you'd invite him as he's sometimes mean to you." He replied, "I won't play with him at the party, but maybe Callum could." We've discussed a few times who to invite, and he mentions this boy every time. Is he maybe trying to stay on his good side? He doesn't give any indication that he's scared to not invite him. Am I missing something?

There are only 16 kids in the class so I suspect we'll just invite them all, but that's not really the point.

Should I just let it go? I feel like he's being more grown up than I am, I.e. it's nice to be nice to everyone, whereas I'm the one who thinks he shouldn't invite him cos he's been really mean to ds1 at times. But this is what I can't see past - he's physically hurt my wee boy and often teases him, and I'm not able to get over that very quickly.

Ugh.

vmcd28 I hope a lot of people read this thread and become a bit more aware of what it is like to have child shunned and talked about - for whatever reason. At the end of the day, everyone is a human being and all 6 year olds have a lot to learn, they just make different mistakes.

Carrots, I hope so too. I admit, I had my protective mum hat on - ds is picked on too (red hair and glasses), and wasn't able to see the alternative explanation for all this. What started as a chat about a party turned into an interesting discussion - thanks, all.

Just wanted to say to the OP that your son sounds lovely :)
There is a little boy in my sons class who has been labelled naughty by his Mum, teachers and other parents.

The other children, including DS think he's fab. He is so bright and good fun. DS invited him over for tea a few weeks ago and they had a great time. He told me he was excited as he'd never been to anyone's house for tea before :(

Thanks, beryl. Thats really sad that his mum hasn't even supported him. If you cant rely on your mum...

I would let your son lead the way, if he likes to have him at the party, whatever reason, I would probably go with that. Children often don't bear grudges, my daughter was punched in the face by a child at school when she was 6 (in front of the teacher) by a child with poor impulse control (that's what they called it). I can't say I felt great about that, tbh, but she forgot about it long before I did, and also continues to play with quite rough children who are part of her wider friendship group. I don't feel she is easily intimidated, and can stick up for herself.

However, I don't go out of my way to encourage friendships with children who are aggressive, if I'm honest. In my dd2's case, she was also strangled by a child right in front of me, crying, and the mum simply muttered 'sorry, don't do that, so and so' but didn't actually in any way stop it, discipline the child or at least just remove him and get help from a teacher.

I actually worry a lot about a casual culture of aggression in my daughters' schools, it's not about excluding certain children, it's about reaching acceptable levels of behaviour, and to me, not having my children hit or strangled by other children at school seems a baseline on this.

I invited the 'naughty girl' (very severe ADHD) to my daughter's party - all the other girls were invited and I wouldn't have dreamed of leaving her out. Her Mum rang me, practically in tears (she'd never been invited to anyone's party before :( ) and said would it be OK if she came along as X could be a 'bit of a handful' - she came with her and yes, she was a bit of a handful but no more than any other excited little girl at a party.

Its your little boys birthday and his call who to invite. If he makes a wrong judgement then that's Ok, it's what being a child is about isn't it? Trying stuff out and learning from your successes and mistakes is a big part of learning for your son. So let him invite the bully, say nothing about it, and let him learn for himself if that results in success or not. How you react when things go wrong teaches him how to react when things go wrong, so if you're calm about it if this lad kicks off and you calmly and rationaly sort the problem out then your DS will learn peacekeeping skills. It's all part of growing up.