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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dh should be able to do these jobs!

85 replies

lisad123isasnuttyasaboxoffrogs · 02/03/2011 08:22

Ok I'm a sahm to two kids with ASD. I do everything in the house apart from four jobs I ask dh to do but half the time he doesn't do it or says he hasn't time to do them. What do you think? The jobs are
Make his and dd1 lunch
Dishwasher
Bins
Walk dog in morning

OP posts:
frgr · 02/03/2011 10:05

Dropdeadfred, you do realise that there isn't a magical housework fairy that comes in and cleans a fulltimer worker's house, or puts the washload on, or cooks? Households with 2 fulltime working parents do their jobs and all of that on top of their paid roles outside the home. It's not glamorous, you don't need to be a martyr - it's just life.

I'm puzzled why most SAHMs proclaim it to be the hardest job in the world, of the most value. It can be a hard job (when I did it, I know there were peaks and lows, e.g. starting school was stressful in our house for weeks beforehand), it is of worth, but do please come off it with the putting SAHPing on a pedestal.

MooMooFarm · 02/03/2011 10:06

Grin at belgo - although surely it's the sentiment behind it that counts? DH brings me a bar of chocolate and a glass of wine sometimes in the evening, which only involves walking to the kitchen and back, but I still appreciate it!

Mymblesson · 02/03/2011 10:06

Did you really run her a bath every day

Yes, it became a bit of a pleasant ritual really.

BaroqueAroundTheClock · 02/03/2011 10:08

dreaming - I did say that perhaps walking the dog wasn't really perhaps doable depending on the time/commute

I can't see why he can't make lunch, empty bins/dishwasher etc before he goes no matter what time of day

Dropdeadfred · 02/03/2011 10:08

frgr - sorry, I don't understand what I've said that you are disagreeing with?? Of course people who work fulltime and have children have it doubly hard...

frgr · 02/03/2011 10:09

"Dropdeadfred Wed 02-Mar-11 09:45:55"

worraliberty · 02/03/2011 10:09

OP how old are your children?

NormanTheForeman · 02/03/2011 10:10

I think if these are the only jobs you are asking him to do, then YANBU. Maybe he doesn't have time in the morning (I don't know what time he has to leave), but most of these jobs, apart from the dog-walking could be done at another time.

Does your dh do anything to help with the house/children after work or at weekends? If not, then you are not at all unreasonable to ask him to do these things. It's certainly not fair if you do all the domestic stuff while he is at work and then still have to do everything left when he is at home. Although having said that, I do practically everything on the domestic front here, apart from make dh's packed lunch. But that's because dh would never get round to doing the stuff. When he lived on his own he lived like a slob. Rarely cleaned the house, only washed clothes when he had run out of stuff to wear, and often would eat at odd times because he was distracted doing other things and had forgotten.

Dropdeadfred · 02/03/2011 10:10

and my point was definitely nothing to do with the work/sahm issue , it was just staing that loking after children and the housework IS work and that her dh should help out when he gets home, whether or not he should be designated specific jobs is a harder question to answer

2rebecca · 02/03/2011 10:13

I am rubbish on a morning and there is no way I would be walking a dog before going to work on a morning. If the dog needs walking on a morning then the person at home should do it. I suspect most full time workers wouldn't choose to have a dog.
I agree the other 3 jobs could be done on an evening, although I find unloading the dishwasher an easy task and my hsband washes up nondishwasher pots which I find more useful. He also does his own ironing as he wears shirts.
I agree you need to discuss who does what jobs, not just give him a list of your choosing like a hired hand. He is doing a big job all day after all.

Dropdeadfred · 02/03/2011 10:13

'looking afer children if i equals playing with them is not work as such, but what about the cooking for them, shopping for them, washing up after them, the laundry for them, the homework wih them, the tidying after them etc etc...? THAT little lot is work!!!'

Yes, I stand by this statement - but nowhere have i said that this relates to solely sahm/sahds. My point is that all this is stuff that should be shared by both parents. Obvioulsy the split would depend on how many hours each parent has at home to complete them

dreamingofsun · 02/03/2011 10:14

dropdead - back to my original suggestion that the poster logs the amount of work she's doing and then compares it to her husbands.

i wasn't specifically pointing the finger at you ref point about dc. there just seem to be a lot of mothers on here who don't appreciate looking after their kids

Takeresponsibility · 02/03/2011 10:14

I agree MooMoo. It was my birthday a fortnight ago and DP made me tea and toast in bed, arranged for a beautician to come round at mid-day to give me a manicure, pedicure and facial (I wondered why he'd previously asked "What's one of those things called when you have stuff done to your feet?"). Had a huge bouquet of flowers delivered mid morning with a card saying "pack an overnight bag". The took me to dinner and stay at a gorgeous hotel, michelin level cuisine, four poster bed etc and a gorgeous breakfast in the morning.

I was thoroughly spoiled all day but the best thing was not one particular part of the day but the fact that he had actually thought about what I would like and made it happen - it really is the sentiment that counts.

Mymblesson · 02/03/2011 10:15

whether or not he should be designated specific jobs is a harder question to answer

That it a difficult one. I'd say that if he's not used to looking after himself because he went from mum to wife, the list approach helps him to know what needs doing.

In our house, we muck in together and share work as it needs doing, though the kitchen is mainly my domain. I did leave home at 18 though and learned to look after myself, not marrying until I was 32.

belgo · 02/03/2011 10:15

I suspect that Lisad doesn't have time to walk the dog in the morning because she is trying to get two children with ASD ready for school. If she walks the dog, then her dh would have to do more to get the children ready.

Lots of us are rubbish in the mornings, but some things just have to be done.

lucyintheskywithdinos · 02/03/2011 10:23

I'm a home edding SAHM, DH works full time is out from 8am til 6.30pm.

We consider my work to be the DDs, as we'd have to pay for wrap around care for the big one and childcare for the youngest if I worked, the garden and chickens which save us lots of money and my volunteer work.

So, no housework gets done during the day beyond preparing lunches, clearing up paint that sort of thing. We share the housework 50/50, I don't understand the argument that SAHMs should do all of the housework, that just devalues the real work in caring for children.

Even as the OP, with children in school she is the one available for school problems, appointments, school run etc. Four jobs for her DH really isn't unreasonable.

Rev084 · 02/03/2011 10:25

"but i've never thought of looking after the children as work or walking the dog. these are hobbies/interests"

You're either a man or you've never looked after kids full time. Can't say about dogs, don't do pets. I'm a SAHM to a 2.5yr old and 29 weeks pregnant. My partner works away all week, only returns home on a friday at 10pm and departs again on sunday 5pm. I used to work fulltime in a stressful NHS job before I had my daughter, that was a doddle compared to this, an hours lunch break? What a luxury. And clocking off at 5pm to do absolutely nothing all evening. Even after my daughter goes to sleep, I stupidly do Open Uni. And my partner does FA to help out at the weekends, I'm too polite to even ask him to. I suppose its the disease of SAHM's that we feel we have to kiss the feet of our OH's bringing home the bacon. Do I get any financial reward for my efforts? £40 a week to do food shopping, lucky me.

Op, you have my sympathy.

dreamingofsun · 02/03/2011 10:28

lucy - ref your comment about housework - i guess its because some of us don't consider caring for our children as work. thats what i do for relaxation during the evenings and at weekends. that being the case it seems not unreasonable for the sahm to do some work, ie housework. otherwise the husband is doing paid work and then half the sahm's job.

2rebecca · 02/03/2011 10:29

Whose idea was it to get the dog? If it has turned into a "job" then having 1 seems a bit pointless, if no-one actually enjoys walking it.

MooMooFarm · 02/03/2011 10:32

Hmm hence why I refuse to get one despite the DC nagging us about it constantly! I honestly don't know anyone with a dog who enjoys walking it. Side issue, I know...

frgr · 02/03/2011 10:34

Rev084, your situation sounds quite unhappy and one I do not envy. However at the risk of sounding very harsh....

So many MNers, such poor household arrangements - why do women put themselves in this situation, and stay in them? Why do you have kids with someone you're too "polite" to ask to do more than "FA" (your words)?

Glutton for punishment IMHO....

I don't know why some of the women on here continue to breed with the men you've chosen as your life partner - the men who are supposed to support you, love you, and and enhance your life compared to what it would be without them. If you're not getting that - get out.

Anonymousbird · 02/03/2011 10:34

Presumably if the OP's DH doesn't make his (and DD's lunch) then he has no lunch? Presumably (hopefully!) he is not just making his lunch alone, and leaving DD's lunch unmade? No excuse

The dishwasher takes five minutes once a day to unload, no excuse.

The bins take either two minutes every day or about five minutes every couple of days and taking to the road once a week. No excuse

Walking the dog is more of an issue, depending on the type of dog, if it needs full on exercise, then that might be hard to fit in before work, but can't he get up half an hour earlier?

When you say "walk", do you mean taken out for half an hour or more each time, or do you mean just so has a chance to do its business and back home in under ten minutes?

worraliberty · 02/03/2011 10:37

It always makes me smile when people argue over dishwashers because I've never had one.

We argue over the washing up instead Grin

Mymblesson · 02/03/2011 10:38

I suppose its the disease of SAHM's that we feel we have to kiss the feet of our OH's bringing home the bacon

It shouldn't be like that. It's all wrong. A stay-at-home-mother often works harder than her partner and her work is just as important to the family.

It should be a loving partnership.

RobynLou · 02/03/2011 10:46

"lucy - ref your comment about housework - i guess its because some of us don't consider caring for our children as work. thats what i do for relaxation during the evenings and at weekends. that being the case it seems not unreasonable for the sahm to do some work, ie housework. otherwise the husband is doing paid work and then half the sahm's job"

there's an element of a change is as good as a rest here though, and we pay people to look after children if they're not related to them, so it's a job then, having given birth to the child doesn't make it any less of a job imo. sometimes work is enjoyable but it's still work.