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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Breast Feeding

59 replies

0ldieMum · 01/03/2011 00:02

Hi GIrls,

I so need to start a thread about this as I have been having heated debates with my DH about this subject....

We are trying for a baby (had one ectopic, with all that that entails) but are still hopeful for another.

Basically, the argument is about breast feeding. Both of us are in favour of it as we are aware that it's best for baby, but although I love him to bits he's pissing me off soooooooo much about his attitude to BFing. My sister is a BF guru, knows everything there is to know about it, and should we be lucky enough to have a baby, I'm going to enlist her expert help in providing this wonderful nutrition to our child. My DH says he doesn't have a "problem" (WTF????) with BF per say, but that I would NOT be ALLOWED to BF in front of other males.....(again WTF????)unless I had the "appropriate" clothes which would allow me to be "discreete".... he also is not happy when my sister breastfeeds at our dinner table (which I have no problem with!) He says that how come no one says anything about that, but if he got his manhood out at the table he feels people would complain about that.....

What I'm really looking for girls is some legitiamte "come backs" on his ridiculousness!!!!! BFing is NOT the same as peeing at the table, but I guess I lack the expericence to argue with him and give him some proper come backs.....

Feedback welcome girls, please help me!! My DH is actually a darling darling man, most of the time I totally agree with his opinions, but on this one I think he's being TOTALLY unreasonable and I need some back up in changing his dinosaur mind...

Sorry for the rant, but please help me!!

OP posts:
BooyFuckingHoo · 01/03/2011 00:05

i think this might get more responses on the breastfeeding topic.

BooyFuckingHoo · 01/03/2011 00:07

i can give you an opinion on your DH if you refer though Grin

Original poster
0ldieMum · 01/03/2011 00:09

LOL thanks nooyfuckinghoo.. give me your opinion on my DH though, I can show it to him to back up my opinion on how unreasonable he's being!!!!!

OP posts:
EngelbertFustianMcSlinkydog · 01/03/2011 00:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BooyFuckingHoo · 01/03/2011 00:13

he's a twunt. there would be no reason at all for him to get his knob out at the table. the table is a place for eating not peeing or having sex. breastfeeding is exactly that, feeding and if you can't feed your baby at a table then where the hell can you feed it? where does he suggest your baby eats it's meals? why does he have an issue with you feeding your child infront of other men? are your breasts purely for his sexual gratification?

as for him not allowing you Hmm. he wouldn't get the the priveledge of 'allowing' or 'disallowing' me to place my breasts whereever i saw fit. is he your partner or your owner?

aviatrix · 01/03/2011 00:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheSecondComing · 01/03/2011 00:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MorticiaAddams · 01/03/2011 00:16

Don't most people breastfeed discretely? I've never seen mounds of naked breasts floppped out on the dinner table, they're usually covered up somehow.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 01/03/2011 00:18

Does he generally think that it's alright for him to dictate your behaviour?

I mean, even if my husband held the attitude that yours did, he'd never frame it as "You will not be allowed", because it's not his body and he doesn't get to tell me what to do with it.

Stop worrying about comebacks, and start worrying about the fact that your husband feels that it is acceptable to tell a grown woman what she can and cannot do with her own body.

Fernie3 · 01/03/2011 00:19

I feed my baby in front of my BILs. It has never occured to me to ask dh how he feels about this, I have two suggestions.

  1. Smile and nod now and once the baby is born feed it in front of anyone you please - if he doesn't like it he can leave the room
  2. Tell him that of he so wishes he can get his "manhood" out in front of who he wishes - at he table or otherwise, its his choice, i suspect he will see the difference then.
LibraPoppyGirl · 01/03/2011 00:22

My DP is all for BF when our baby comes (both have one DS each already this is our first together).

He has expressed similar views to not wanting me to BF in public though. He hasn't however come out with the "getting his manhood out" Hmm. I have made it very clear that if I am out and it's feed time, then it's feed time and that is that!

I have said to him that there are ways of BF in public that does not necessarily entail all and sundry seeing my breasts, but that I am not going to hide the fact that I am BF. I used to attend a bible study in Oz where one of our members was BF and you knew she was but you couldn't see anything because she discreetly used a large muslin cloth over her shoulder, rather expertly I might add.

I would tell him quite honestly that, if he wants to make a spectacle of himself and get his 'john thomas' out, then to go ahead. But to be mindful that if he does this in public then not to be surprised when the police come and cart him away for being a flasher. I'd also add, that when I've finished BF the baby, (as it wouldn't be me they'd be arresting), I'll call the station to see if they're keeping him in for the night but that I wouldn't be down to bail him out!! Smile

Original poster
0ldieMum · 01/03/2011 00:23

Thanks girls.... Booyfuckinghoo... aaaah gee, seriously he's not a twunt (although I know I was bitching about him) he really isn't and my body is my own, he so doesn't own me... and I would and could do exactly what I wanted with my breasts... it's just that I really really want him to be onboard with what I want to do re breastfeeding if and when we're lucky enough to have a baby.... and yes, if it came to it I would do exactly what I needed to do... what I'm really looking for is some good "come backs" to his ridiculous arguments.... I just don't have the experience at this to blow his rubbish out of the water if you see what I mean.... he really is a darling, honestly he is.... and I know that despite his protestations now, he wouldn't actually try and stop me doing what I wanted to do re BFing a baby.. I just so want him to be onboard with him..... )-:

OP posts:
lovenamechange100 · 01/03/2011 00:24

Git response to OP only - your DP is thinking about lady bits inc breats as sexual stuff - he wont feel that way when he realises they are functional in other ways that are personal to him (wel that or else he will have no fecking choice right! Grin)

OR maybe he is just being protective over what he thinks are his part of his you dignity/feminimity/sexual stuff and that he doesnt want other folk having a remote possibility of seeing em! and is just unsure how the whole clothes thing will work - practice!

If he is really up for it I cant see nay other reasons. Seriously get hime relaxed about this beforehand or else it could make you unrelaxed and effect feeding. My DH was quick to help with a bottle when I struggled, he just wanted to help, men are natural probnlem solvers!

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 01/03/2011 00:27

OldieMum, don't you already have two children? Has this not come up before?

As for comebacks; you're at the dinner table, you're feeding a baby, that's what breasts are for.

BooyFuckingHoo · 01/03/2011 00:27

TBH, the best response to his stuidness is to ignore it. let him rant, dictate whatever. ignore it and feed your baby as you wish. you on't need comebacks, you know what you want to do so do it, you don't need to convince him of why you will do it, he sounds like he will argue with any comeback anyway. just ignore him.

lovenamechange100 · 01/03/2011 00:31

love hardcore response from tort AND BOO YES GO DO THAT

maras2 · 01/03/2011 00:32

Wait untill your baby arives before you start squabbling.Blokes are idiots when it comes to their OH's breasts s just be a tiny bit discrete in company at the dinner table and save yourself a lot of strife.

Original poster
0ldieMum · 01/03/2011 00:33

ah gee thanks girls... I feel I should defend my DH here... he's not a controlling freak at all, honestly he isn't!!! In fact, I totally am the boss in our relationship... and this is the only sticking point that we have.. I think maybe he is threatened by the whole BFing thing, cos he's never ever seen breasts as being anything other than sexual... which is a shame as they are there to feed babies!!!! I just get so annoyed at him thinking that if I was BFing a baby every man in the vincinity would be gawping and having a "w**k in the corner, when I KNOW that the reality is most people won't even notice and if they did they won't care!!!!

OP posts:
LibraPoppyGirl · 01/03/2011 00:35

I think the OP is asking for witty comebacks to his silliness in this situation.

I'm guessing (correct me if I'm wrong OP) that he's reacting in what is not a usual way for him, using her sister BF at the table sounds like he's grasping at straws and that she wants something witty, to demonstrate how silly he really is being.

I'm not getting that he is being domineering or bullying just that he's being a bit daft about the whole thing (and maybe a tad jealous too perhaps about other people seeing her breasts) and she wants something to make him see this Smile

KatieMiddleton · 01/03/2011 00:35

Unless his penis lactates and he plans to feed a child with it at the dinner table then there is no comparison between his manhood and breastfeeding.

I wouldn't worry too much and just ignore him for now. When he actually sees what happens to boobs when they produce milk (and he won't have seen from a woman breastfeeding because they're covered by a baby) he might change his opinion. There is nothing sexy about a big, vainy breast with a baby attached to it.

Unless of course he finds women breastfeeding a turn-on in which case you may want to have a long hard think about that relationship.

Concordia · 01/03/2011 00:35

Actually i think when your baby is screaming for milk he will probably be happy for you to get your boobs out wherever! seriously.... as he will start to understand what it is all about, ie the baby eating.
it doesn't sound like he will be the most supportive though so i would enlist some real life support elsewhere when (fingers crossed) you do start breastfeeding. i think he may need to be aware that sometimes you may be out aand about and if your baby needs food he / she is unlikely to want to wait for you to get to a male free area.
having said that, i do understand your position, my DH who is a lot older than me, did want me to breastfeed but had a real thing about me feeding in front of poeple at first, which i did manage to convince him out of, usually because he wanted the screaming to stop. Howsever, he never really lost that when it came to his best mate and hsi work colleagues (male). i found this irritating but as it only came up like twice, i waited until his best mate and wife left before i fed DD - then only popped around for half hour or so when she was very small. i know i should have to, but in the end i did respect his opinion. if the situation arose every day though, i think i probably would have stood my ground.
incidentally , not point scoring, but i did feed DS for 14 months and DD for 26 so is possible to do this with a less than 100% supportive DH.

SueWhite · 01/03/2011 00:37

I wouldn't bother being witty. I would simply say that no one has the right to tell me what I can and cannot do, it could not be simpler.

lovenamechange100 · 01/03/2011 00:37

Reassure of him of this sexual thing, help him to compartmentalise (them menfolk are supposed to be good at this!) and go for it then! Plainly speaking

Washed out grey sports BF bra for glimpses (ob not at dinner table!)

And push up/satiney ttype bra whatever, but make the distinction

Analagy only - tske what you will!

Original poster
0ldieMum · 01/03/2011 00:38

Tortoise - no we don't have any kids... I posted a while back freaking out that I was pregnant and had just got a new job and felt so bad that I had to tell my new boss blah blah... but turned out it was ectopic... found out when it ruptured.... with all that that entails.... so no,no kids, but still living in hope! (-:

OP posts:
nailak · 01/03/2011 00:40

he said he doesnt mind if you are discreet so i dont see what the issue is, in all relationships you have to consider the views and feelings of both partners so i dont think its fair to dismiss his feelings and invalidate them, if he doesnt want other males seeing ur boobs fair enough but that dont stop you from breast feeding!
personally i wouldnt bf in front of a strange man either, i would ask them to leave the room or leave the room myself, but i do bf in front of family members such as my myms dp, i just put a shawl or blanket over and their is no issue.