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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Breast Feeding

59 replies

0ldieMum · 01/03/2011 00:02

Hi GIrls,

I so need to start a thread about this as I have been having heated debates with my DH about this subject....

We are trying for a baby (had one ectopic, with all that that entails) but are still hopeful for another.

Basically, the argument is about breast feeding. Both of us are in favour of it as we are aware that it's best for baby, but although I love him to bits he's pissing me off soooooooo much about his attitude to BFing. My sister is a BF guru, knows everything there is to know about it, and should we be lucky enough to have a baby, I'm going to enlist her expert help in providing this wonderful nutrition to our child. My DH says he doesn't have a "problem" (WTF????) with BF per say, but that I would NOT be ALLOWED to BF in front of other males.....(again WTF????)unless I had the "appropriate" clothes which would allow me to be "discreete".... he also is not happy when my sister breastfeeds at our dinner table (which I have no problem with!) He says that how come no one says anything about that, but if he got his manhood out at the table he feels people would complain about that.....

What I'm really looking for girls is some legitiamte "come backs" on his ridiculousness!!!!! BFing is NOT the same as peeing at the table, but I guess I lack the expericence to argue with him and give him some proper come backs.....

Feedback welcome girls, please help me!! My DH is actually a darling darling man, most of the time I totally agree with his opinions, but on this one I think he's being TOTALLY unreasonable and I need some back up in changing his dinosaur mind...

Sorry for the rant, but please help me!!

OP posts:

lovenamechange100 · 01/03/2011 00:40

Well he if he is pro BF he will feel diff when he sees this

KatieMiddleton · 01/03/2011 00:44

you might not even get on with breastfeeding...

You might decide to mix feed. Or you might exclusively breastfeed. You won't know until it happens.

Original poster

0ldieMum · 01/03/2011 00:48

Librapoppygirl... yes you totally get the situation!!!!! My DH is lovely, really really he is, and I can do exactly what I want.... his reaction to the discussions we've been having on BFing are totally out of character for him and I'd love to be able to get him to tell me exactly what it is that he's threatened by so we can work through it. I suspect that he's not able to verbalise what it is that he has a problem with. He responds quite well to me pointing out that perhaps he might be overreacting about other things, I just haven't been able to find the right way to tell him how daft he's being about this!

OP posts:

llareggub · 01/03/2011 00:50

Just tell him to grow up. Honestly.

There was a dad at toddler group the other day, acting all stroppy (yes really) because I was breastfeeding my 20 month old. I don't normally as he rarely wants a feed during the day but he'd hurt himself and wanted comforting. I told him in the end that he could always remove himself from the room if he felt uncomfortable with me feeding a child in a toddler group. I don't know where else would be more appropriate, to be honest.

lovenamechange100 · 01/03/2011 00:50

Oh oldie he just loves your tits! either of you cant know how you willtruly feel until time comes happy TTC

10poundstogo · 01/03/2011 01:13

I'd point out:

that none of the rest of us go in a cupboard/toilet/other room to eat, so why should you and your baby.

he'll get desensitised once you are feeding non stop and hardly notice they'll be out that often

he'll be glad of quiet when baby feeds

feeding on demand will make your baby happy and relaxed not grumpy and stressed if it has to wait - makes 'em needy and whingy IMO

he needs to have a think about WHY he feels so insecure about this when many many men do not - there is an underlying cause of anxiety here - if he works it out he'll stop stewing and you'll all be happy

his cock is for shagging and peeing your norks are for feeding babies, so his argument is a false dicotomy

He is being a total nobber about this, nice as it is for him to be all modern take an interest, which is very sweet of him, but he has to accept that on such matters Mother knows best and he is just a bystander. Hard to take but he might as well get used to it now.

(My DH only bothered to read the page in the pregnancy book about when he could resume shagging after childbirth, which had its drawbacks (waste of space in the labour room). Having said that it would REALLY get on my tits if he started having opinions about these sorts of things as this way I decide everything and he agrees, which works perfectly).

LibraPoppyGirl · 01/03/2011 01:25

Oldie glad I wasn't wrong, I do get it.

He's just finding his way through this I think. A lot of men are pro BF but some do have a bit of difficulty with the thought of their partners doing this where other men might see. It's not something that can't be overcome. He'll come round.

I think lovenamechange100 made some good comments and love the one about the difference in bras. Great analogy to use.

We all get a little insecure over silly things sometimes, you love him and it doesn't hurt or make your less of a woman to want to help him through this in a pleasant way.

Be it partners, family, children or friends, we all need a little reassurance sometimes. I think that's all he needs and over time he'll get this.

I don't see any need to get militant about it or to be hard on him. Get him involved in preparing for it when the time comes, like buying feeding bras and nursing tops and a nice shawl perhaps, so that he is reassured that you're doing this for the baby that you will both be taking the best of care of.

Prayers for you TTC x

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 01/03/2011 01:26

Oldie, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to be insensitive, I wasn't referencing the ectopic. There's a great number of old posts by someone with the same username who had a daughter in '03ish and a son in '06. Usually usernames can't be taken over once they're claimed, so I assumed that was you.

ZacharyQuack · 01/03/2011 04:35

OP, you might want to consider changing your name to one that's not so identical to an existing MNer.

There's a OldieMum (with a letter "O") who has 2 children and a step-daughter, and you're 0ldieMum (with a Number "0" ie. zero).

As far as your DH goes, 1) he's being an idiot and needs to grow up and accept some basic biology and 2) once the baby gets here and he sees it breastfeeding and how lovely it all is, he'll completely forget any silly ideas he might have had.

Otherwise, tell him he's welcome to get his cock out whenever he likes, you'll be too busy gazing at your beautiful baby to even notice him.

Morloth · 01/03/2011 05:17

What to say to your DH is very simple.

I find 'Grow the Fuck Up' is very handy in these situations, also 'Pull Your Fucking Head In, Will You?' also appropriate.

Simple, to the point and cannot be easily misunderstood.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 01/03/2011 05:22

Ohhhh that's it, Zachary!

Thank you. I was SO confused. Sorry again, 0ldie, about referencing something painful to you.

MissyKLo · 01/03/2011 07:22

You are kidding me nailak - consider his feelings over a little baby who needs feeding? Ermm, NO! He needs to grow a pair and realise his attitude is
Ridiculous
Childish
Pathetic
Ignorant
And so on!

I would just be saying that you will feed your baby as and when you new to and if he doesn't like it - tough! I do hope he is not one of those men who will try to pressurise you into stopping feeding because he wants 'your' breasts back too

On the subject of bf - read as much as you can, go to bf support groups, remember that bf is constant in the beginning ( every 20 mins can be normal!) and please just get as much help as you can. X

KaraStarbuckThrace · 01/03/2011 07:29

I think your DH will feel differently when the baby comes.
Until then a simple "how old are you? 12?" should suffice in the meantime

LibraPoppyGirl · 01/03/2011 07:59

Erm if you read back over OP's posts, she doesn't want to be aggressive!

She has asked for a few 'witty' comebacks to help her illustrate how, her usually laid back DH, is being a goose.

Some of these posts won't help her.

BooyFuckingHoo · 01/03/2011 09:44

we don't need anyone policing the thread thanks libra. I'm sure OP is able to pick out what she thinks will be most suitable for her DH.

Original poster

0ldieMum · 01/03/2011 09:55

Thanks Libra, that's exactly what I'm looking for, he IS being a goose and its out of character for him. I just want him (if it ever happens) to be involved and to be happy with our choice to BF so we can be in it together iuswim. He honestly would never ever dictate to me what to do, and if it came down to it I will just do what I think is best anyway (ie just darn well BF wherever and whenever was needed)and he'll have to lump it, but it would be sooooo nice if I could somehow point out to him his argument about peeing at the table being the same is just utter baloney! He also told me that he felt it was "bad manners" to BF while other men are there (he's admitted that he has NO problem BFing in front of other women - that's when I wanted to lamp him one!!) So I think he cannot make the connection in his head that BFing and breasts evolved for the sole purpose of feeding a child, which is odd because he's actually not stupid. I have asked him if he could think about and explain to me exactly why he felt like that, and that maybe it was him that had the problem and not me (v gently of course) and unusually for him, he mumped and mumbled this ridulous comment again... he's normally so open and up for discussing things, that I'm mystified by his behaviour... Maybe I shouldn't even be worried about it, as reading other posts there are ladies on here who have far more important issues than this, but its bugging me and I really want to help him see how ridiculous he's being. For what it's worth I have shown him some of the comments on this post, which he's read (and then didn't say anything bless him!) so maybe I just need to keep re-enforcing the message that he's being a bit daft.(confused)

OP posts:

doricpatter · 01/03/2011 09:55

I am always amazed at this sort of reaction to breastfeeding, and I think one of the most helpful ways to challenge it is to ask whether the same reaction would be expected of bottlefeeding in a similar situation - eg nobody seems to have issues about men seeing a baby bottlefed, nobody complains about feeding a baby from a bottle at the dinner table, nobody tries to be discreet and hide when bottlefeeding a baby. Why should it be any different for a breastfed baby - breasts are for making milk. To express views such as the examples you give in your OP Oldie shows he hasn't thought this through.

You could also ask him some probing questions - how often has he seen babies breastfeeding in public (never? He probably has, just doesn't realise it!), has he felt terribly aroused when he's seen all these boobs being waved around, will he still find you attractive when you're wearing <a class="break-all" href="http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=www.boohoobaby.co.uk/images/product/main/1/product_full1262.jpg&imgrefurl=www.boohoobaby.co.uk/prod_show.asp%3Fprodid%3D1262&usg=__R2tpB9apZdUdFNXpHbGoXrbBkaQ=&h=370&w=283&sz=40&hl=en&start=0&zoom=1&tbnid=K45KhT-w3VqC4M:&tbnh=157&tbnw=121&ei=TcJsTYy6I5T14gaN4_mZBA&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dbreastfeeding%2Bponcho%26hl%3Den%26biw%3D1440%26bih%3D785%26tbs%3Disch:1&itbs=1&iact=rc&dur=455&oei=TcJsTYy6I5T14gaN4_mZBA&page=1&ndsp=32&ved=1t:429,r:13,s:0&tx=39&ty=63" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">this getup or would he prefer if you just looked like this perhaps?

LibraPoppyGirl · 01/03/2011 09:56

Booy 'policing the thread' ha ha ha ha ha .

As with any fora I am entitled to put forward my opinion, just as you are.

Only difference is, I'm reading and listening to what the OP is actually saying!

BooyFuckingHoo · 01/03/2011 09:57

no, it wasn't a joke.

FlamingOBingo · 01/03/2011 10:00

Show him this video, Oldiemum.

Quenelle · 01/03/2011 10:05

I think it's too early to be discussing the ins and outs of BFing in detail.

When you have had the baby and the significance of the need to feed it when it's hungry, regardless of where you are, becomes apparent, your DH will relax about the wheres and hows of it. And he will come to see that it is in no way comparable to getting sexual organs out or passing waste. It's just feeding your baby.

Seriously, arguing about it now is pointless and a waste of time. There's plenty else to be disagreeing about: names, prams, nursery colours...

NinkyNonker · 01/03/2011 10:07

I think once it is his child who is hungry etc he will feel differently and just want them to be comforted. It is hard for a first timer to understand how they will react, so I don't think feeling that way makes him an arse, just inexperienced. I felt uncomfortable bf in front of people to begin with until I got the hang of it. Perhaps he doesn't realise just how discreet it is possible to be? (When your baby isn't 6 months old and trying to look everywhere bar at you that is.)

I'd just say, "well, let's see how we get on. If the baby needs feeding it needs feeding" or something similar but non aggressive. I'm sure he'll change his tune when the baby appears. If not, you can get tough then!

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

LibraPoppyGirl · 01/03/2011 10:13

Booy I didn't think you were joking.

I was laughing at you

BooyFuckingHoo · 01/03/2011 10:16

why?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 01/03/2011 10:19

Once your breasts start leaking milk at 35 weeks pg he will have a huuuge reality check about what they are really designed for.

I think he's an idiot though, and disrespectful, and sexist, and immature.

I wouldn't engage with it now tbh, once you have a baby then he will realise his idiocy (hopefully).

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