Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to work away from DH and DC for 5 months?

66 replies

Newjobthankgod · 28/02/2011 20:29

DH and I are losing our jobs through redundancy.

Mine is done by the end of this month and he has until August.

I am American and we have always wanted to go back there and this seems like a good time.

We started DH's visa application and put the house on the market.

I applied for a job in the States and to my surprise they contacted me right away and I went for an interview. I thought it would take ages and ages and ages to get a job.

I didn't expect to get a job this fast but they hired me. It is a too good to turn down job. Problem is that I have to start May 1. DH won't have his visa by then and we still have to sell the house.

Plan is for me to go over there, start new job, stay with my parents and try to rent a house for me DH and the kids.

Once DH gets his visa he will hopefully have rented or sold the house and he and the kids will come over.

I may be separated from him and the kids for over 6 months.

My kids are 10, 8, and 7 and they are being surpisingly cool about it all. Dh's brother is going to help out while I am away.

I think it is something we have to do but I feel so shit leaving them.

I can't take them along at first because the hours that I will working don't jive with childcare, my parents work long hours and I will be staying in a tiny box room at my parents house in the beginning.

OP posts:
Rhinestone · 28/02/2011 20:31

Hmmm...probably not the answer you're hoping for but I think this is a very bad idea. The 7 yo in particular is too young to be away from you that long.

You did ask and that's my opinion.

tyler80 · 28/02/2011 20:32

I think if needs must then you go for it.

My mum had to go to Australia for a few months when I was 7 (brother was 5 and sister was 10). I've got really fond memories of the time when just my Dad was looking after us. I think it was harder on him than any of us children.

PigValentine · 28/02/2011 20:34

I think it will be much harder for you than it is for them. I don't think it is an unreasonable thing to do though.

Is is just DH's visa you are waiting on? Is six months a realistic timeframe, or a worst case scenerio?

mmsmum · 28/02/2011 20:35

I agree that it is something you have to do, it won't be for long but it will be so worth it when you are all together state side. It will also give you a chance to get stuck in at work. I think you've got to be brave and go for it, it sounds the best thing for your family and really 6 months out of a lifetime is not that long. Besides, I'll bet you have a chance to come to visit before it's out and it may be that your house sells faster than you think. Good luck with the move

Original poster
Newjobthankgod · 28/02/2011 20:36

I just dont know what to do if we stay here. There are no jobs and there is no way I am going on benefits. I could easily support a family of 5 on the salary and benefits I will be getting there.

DH is a really great hands on dad and the kids' uncle is fab as well. DH has loads of time off to take before his job is finished in august. I know people do it a lot but OMG it's hard.

agree with you Rhinestone, I do worry about the youngest.

How long was your mum gone for Tyler80?

OP posts:
Original poster
Newjobthankgod · 28/02/2011 20:37

Visa I think is a worst case scenario. The house we are going to unload any way we can either through selling it, renting it, or going to one of those "buy any house places" and completely getting screwed.

OP posts:
kitkat1000 · 28/02/2011 20:38

Wow what a nightmare choice! Personally i wouldn't consider it. I don't mean to be negative - i just know from other friends who have done this that it really affects not only their marriage but also relationships within the family. A couple of my friends husbands worked away and it almost split them both up within months. I understand it works well for lots of other people and in the wider scheme of things it would probably be okay but not sure i'd risk it. There seems too much uncertainty. What if he cant rent or sell the house? I don't know where you live but several family houses in my street haven't sold in over 18 months. What if he doesn't get his visa or if you don't like your job? I think all these reasons are probably just excuses for me in that i just could never leave my kids for that long. Sorry - but i'd say if one goes you all go.

changeforthebetter · 28/02/2011 20:38

In your position, I would go for it. A good job is a valuable thing and the move fits in with what your life plans are (am assuming your H is OK with all of this). Yes, they will miss you and yes you will miss them but this is five months not five years. You need to support your family, you have the means and it is a short time. They are not tiny children without the means to understand what is going on. There was a thread along these lines a while ago (but it was studying and for a year) and I was [shocked] at how limiting posters were being being a mother = never leaving your children's side.

One pertinent point was that it will inevitably change the family dynamic. Your kids' relationship with their dad will evolve and that will alter how you all relate as a family. But, I think that would generally be a plus rather than a minus.

Good luck with your decision (never did find out what the other poster chose to do)

Original poster
Newjobthankgod · 28/02/2011 20:38

Oh sorry Visa should be 6 months max from this point unless the embassy consular officers act like pricks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newjobthankgod · 28/02/2011 20:39

Thanks appreciate all the advice.

OP posts:
tribpot · 28/02/2011 20:39

I think on the face of it, it sounds like something we (as mums) should feel unable to consider. But we (as mums) do consider it - women in the armed forces for example. And I remember a friend of a friend whose family had relocated to rural France and the only way for them to earn money was for her, short-term, to return to the UK to work as a contractor. I think it was terribly difficult for her, whilst the kids just basically got on with it and thought: (possibly literally) c'est la vie. Far better than uprooting their schooling, just as in your case too.

And we have Skype now - at least they will be able to see you every day, and vice versa. I'm sure it will be dreadful for you, but from what you describe it's a necessary evil to achieve the twin goals of keeping your family solvent and for you all to move to the US. It's not a choice I would want to make, but ultimately (and as the sole breadwinner in my family) if I had to, I would do it. I think as long as your kids know it's a temporary measure brought on by necessity, they'll be okay.

changeforthebetter · 28/02/2011 20:40

So that would be shock and not shocked Blush

tyler80 · 28/02/2011 20:40

I don't remember exactly, a little over 3 months I think.

I think with the internet, skype etc today it would be much easier.

My mum still has all the snail mail letters we wrote while she was out there. They're dull as dishwater generally, full of tales about going to school and the supermarket and we used to send a letter each so she got 3 different versions of the same story!

Grabaspoon · 28/02/2011 20:40

A lot of my friends are doing a 6 month separation from their partner (deployment to afghanistan) and it is hard - it can be done but it is easier for the family at home as life goes on school/work etc but will be very hard on you.

If you do decide to do it - remember to write/email/call as much as possible - I know that my friends and all the children all miss the phone calls.

plasticlentilweaver · 28/02/2011 20:41

Yes, I'd do it. Military families get separated for 6 months or more without problems (ok, most of the time, without problems). What about holidays - can they come over and visit? What about Skype - you can stay in touch easily that way. If it is the best overall option for your family, then yes, go for it.

tribpot · 28/02/2011 20:41

crossed with a lot of posts - given you can support the family on your salary alone, what is the point in DH staying here? Is it because he can't apply for a visa if he's there?

foreverondiet · 28/02/2011 20:43

I think go for it. Better for the children to stay at school until July anyway, which fits in when your DH's job finishes anyway. And better for the children to have employed parents.

But I think important for the kids to start school in September at the start of term - as it would be very disruptive for them otherwise - presumbly by September he could come with the kids, even if its only on a tourist visa initially? You should be able to at least rent the house out by then.

Original poster
Newjobthankgod · 28/02/2011 20:43

Yeah he cannot come over until he gets the visa. And while they are processing his visa he cannot come over I don't think.

I'll be visiting though. Even if I just fly out for a 3 day weekend.

OP posts:
BuzzLiteBeer · 28/02/2011 20:45

I would do it, with barely a thought. If its the best thing for the family that far outweighs any temporary inconvenience. Its never been easier the keep in touch, you can talk face to face on Skype etc.
And honestly, if a marriage couldn't survive working away for a few months for a good reason, then its not a very strong marriage to begin with.

MyleneKlass · 28/02/2011 20:47

Go for it.

Skype, email, web cams, it's so different now.

It'll be an adventure for everyone but if you all approach it positively then why not.

If it really, really does n't work you could hand your notice in and fly back.

It may not feel like it but there is always a choice.

And could you book a great holiday for the summer for everyone in the USA Disneyland/cowboys/surfing in Hiawai that kind of thing to look forward to.

Few ideas to chat over with DH and children Smile

MyleneKlass · 28/02/2011 20:48

Sorry must name change back, this did n't really come from the almight M&S media powerhouse and inspiration to us all, arse with no klass.

JingleMum · 28/02/2011 20:50

YANBU

you're doing what's best for your family, as long as you explain this to the kids then it'll be fine.

as others have said, with skype and email and such it's different now.

is there anyway the kids and husband can come over for a visit after a couple of months?

PowderMum · 28/02/2011 20:51

Newjobthankgod - Although my girls are now older I wouldn't hesitate to do this in your position. Like other posters who are in the armed forces my DH has always had a job that takes him away, and we just get on with it.

The longest he has been away is just over 3 months and it hasn't changed the dynamics in our home.

For your family the experience of moving to/back to the US would be what I would be concerned with, although
I am guessing that your children have spent their childhood so far over here but have plenty of experience of the US.

I wish you the best of luck.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 28/02/2011 20:52

I would do it. Sometimes you just need to do these things. The most important thins is keeping your family afloat.

kitkat1000 · 28/02/2011 20:54

i think skype and phones etc are all very good in the short term but 6 months is not that short and most kids get bored of both of those things very quickly. However given your kids initial reaction, they seem quite mature and okay with it - quite independent for their age really so the whole thing may be completely fine! You know your family best and you sound like you have already made your choice - don't feel the need to justify it if thats what you decide to do, if your family supports you then thats all you need. Good luck.

Swipe left for the next trending thread