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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to work away from DH and DC for 5 months?

66 replies

Newjobthankgod · 28/02/2011 20:29

DH and I are losing our jobs through redundancy.

Mine is done by the end of this month and he has until August.

I am American and we have always wanted to go back there and this seems like a good time.

We started DH's visa application and put the house on the market.

I applied for a job in the States and to my surprise they contacted me right away and I went for an interview. I thought it would take ages and ages and ages to get a job.

I didn't expect to get a job this fast but they hired me. It is a too good to turn down job. Problem is that I have to start May 1. DH won't have his visa by then and we still have to sell the house.

Plan is for me to go over there, start new job, stay with my parents and try to rent a house for me DH and the kids.

Once DH gets his visa he will hopefully have rented or sold the house and he and the kids will come over.

I may be separated from him and the kids for over 6 months.

My kids are 10, 8, and 7 and they are being surpisingly cool about it all. Dh's brother is going to help out while I am away.

I think it is something we have to do but I feel so shit leaving them.

I can't take them along at first because the hours that I will working don't jive with childcare, my parents work long hours and I will be staying in a tiny box room at my parents house in the beginning.

OP posts:
balloonballs · 28/02/2011 20:54

I'd go for it, your children will be with their dad, your not abandoning them to the wolves.
Of course you'll all miss each other but laying the foundations for a new life is worth it.

Good luck!

fairtradefloozy · 28/02/2011 20:56

Go for it. Many families manage with only one parent ALL the time - this is just a temporary situation and it will be a whole lot easier for them to move over to somewhere to live anyway. Enjoy.

squeakytoy · 28/02/2011 20:56

I would say go for it. If it is part of a long term plan for you all to go over there, then it makes sense if you have been offered a job. There are plenty of families who have one parent who works away for long periods, or are separated for other reasons.

You will be with their grandparents, you can speak to them on skype, and they are old enough to understand where you are and why. Its very different to suddenly disappearing out of a baby or toddlers life.

bonkers20 · 28/02/2011 20:57

I'd do it. It sounds like they're really keen to have you over there. Have you explained your situation to them? Do you think you might be in a position to negotiate a later start date?

Yes, it will be hard on the children (and your DH) but it feels better to me that there are three of them fairly close in age.

Even if your DH can't come over for a visit (something you need to check up on by the sounds of it), the children can certainly come over at some point.

It will be hard, but it's not like you're doing Everest Base camp on a whim!

FabbyChic · 28/02/2011 20:58

Whilst it will be hard if you have better prospects there and your husband is happy to leave his family behind, and your children all their freinds and school then go.

There are no jobs here I've been sending in 10 applications a day to receive nothing back.

And I'm qualified!

feekychucker · 28/02/2011 20:58

My dh was in the forces and separated from us for months at a time. It only made us stronger and more appreciative of what we have. As long as one parent is a constant in their lives and you have other support then I'm sure they will be fine. Struggling with money worries here would be much more damaging to your family imo.

tyler80 · 28/02/2011 21:02

Whereabouts in the states are you going? Need to judge how Envy i should be Grin

Mumi · 28/02/2011 22:14

Many fathers do it all the time and no-one bats an eyelid. Go for it :)

fivegomadindorset · 28/02/2011 22:16

Do it.

LadyBiscuit · 28/02/2011 22:18

I would do it. Better to let them finish the school year here and then you have a few months to check out schools etc.

Six months is gone in the blink of an eye and if you will be visiting regularly I don't see the problem

SeeJaneKick · 28/02/2011 22:22

DH went away for 10 months...5 is ok. Skype daily..it's very hard.

fluffles · 28/02/2011 22:23

i think you should aim to have the kids over for the new school term whatever happens with your husband's visa.

possibly have them over for part of their summer holidays too - even with your hours (they can spend the weekends with you and weekdays exploring the new area).

that way there's a definate moving date for them (if not your DH) and they can start school at the start of a school year. i think that not knowing exactly when they would be moving would be hard for the kids, especially if they had to finish school here not knowing if they were going back or not.

woollyideas · 28/02/2011 22:28

I think you should go for it, too! What an opportunity. Sounds like you were planning to go anyway, so this is just accelerating things. And sorry to point out the obvious but this country is pretty crap at the moment...

OTheHugeManatee · 28/02/2011 22:32

Do it. It'd only be 6 months, it's in the long-term interests of
your family, and your DH sounds wonderfully supportive.

Good luck

MLWfirsttimemum · 28/02/2011 22:34

Just to add my penny's worth - I'd do it. Your children are old enough to understand what is going on and you'll be able to have lots of contact. As someone else said, I'd make sure my children were there in time for the new school year, even if that meant having to have temporary help from an au pair/nanny to get enough coverage if your partner can't be there in time for some reason (not being too familiar with the visa issues for the US).

frgr · 28/02/2011 22:35

i would do it. it sounds like you have a sensible plan, you said your DH is hands on, it's not like you'd be lumping them on him with no coping mechanism if he has his family around - it really does make sense.

my mum went to look after my grandmother when I was younger for a couple of months (they didn't know she'd be gone that long when she flew out, but it turned out like that), we had a blast - dad was a bit more permissive, but it definitely helped to form some memories of my dad as a hands on parent. in fact, it strikes me as odd now that i think of it, the moment mum returned it went back to "normal", where dad never cooked and mum did all the domestic work - despite him actually revealing himself to be a better cook than her! so yeah, i think the kids wouldn't mind it, you're make a sensible choice, go and do it, you'll be setting up your family in the best possible way out there due to your efforts Smile

jenga079 · 28/02/2011 22:47

Friends did similar to this last year & it worked well for them.

He moved to Canada - found job, rented house, found school places for DCs. She stayed at home - sold house & cars, packed everything up, helped kids through end of term - then followed him four months later.

No-one batted an eyelid. We just thought they were brave and admired them for it.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

LyraSilvertongue · 28/02/2011 22:52

Can you come up with a compromise solution? Eg, the children come over at the end of July, when school has finished. Then you'd only be separated from them for three months and you'd have that long to find somewhere to live etc. DH could stay behind to finish his job and tie up loose ends.

chipmonkey · 28/02/2011 22:53

The way I see it, you don't have much of a choice. You pretty much have to do it.

Yes, it will be hard, you will miss each other, the children may find the reality of it difficult. But, it's temporary, it's a job you have said yourself, is too good not to take, it means that the two of you are not landing in the States and both looking for jobs which wouldn't be ideal either. Plus, you will be there to check out the schools and places to live, rather than having the stress of arriving over with children and then finding the school/house is awful

I would do it!

MissyKLo · 28/02/2011 22:58

When I saw the title I thought no way, but having read your post I see why this is right for you all - and it will be right in the long term. It will be hard but hopefully they will be with you before too long. Wishing you the very best and please please come bak with updates for us!

MoreFruitLoopthanFruitShoot · 28/02/2011 23:03

I hesitate to say this, but as someone in the scenario of your dh (ie, being left to sort house/children here whilst my DH is in Australia) it is easy to underestimate what hard work it is to organise.

I had no idea how hard it would be to get the house ready for shipping/storage/renting whilst looking after the dc.

It has taken 6 weeks and I am a nervous wreck. I resent him terribly. The dc miss him in a visceral way that I hadn't anticipated (given that over here he worked 14 hour days!).

It is possible (We fly out this weekend). But be prepared for it to place a tremendous strain upon your relationship.

compo · 28/02/2011 23:07

Go for it
you're doing it for your family, not for fun
it's only 6 months , in the long term plan of having a future altogether rather than all being on benefits here

sharon2609 · 28/02/2011 23:21

Morefruit Lots of people go through very stressful times without a partner to help....divorce/moving house/moving country but I think the end goal is worth it.
Good luck x

cat64 · 28/02/2011 23:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ChocDee · 01/03/2011 03:44

Go for it, of course!

But... get yourself a GOOD immigration lawyer!!! The VISA process is an absolute mine field to be honest.

I married an American, and our first immigration lawyer totally shafted us with misinformation which resulted in me being stuck in the UK for 1 year before it was all sorted.

Triple check EVERYTHING - with all the different agencies as they will most likely have different answers to your questions.

Your family may well be able to visit you under the 3 month Visa waiver whilst your application goes through. Two different agencies told us that that was the case (just a shame that the airport immigration did not agree so I was detained for 4 very uncomfortable and horrid hours!! - but that was most likely due to the screw ups done by our first lawyer.)

So, good luck with the Visa stuff. Hopefully it will be plain sailing for you; but please be prepared for every eventuality!!

Good luck!

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