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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to work away from DH and DC for 5 months?

66 replies

Newjobthankgod · 28/02/2011 20:29

DH and I are losing our jobs through redundancy.

Mine is done by the end of this month and he has until August.

I am American and we have always wanted to go back there and this seems like a good time.

We started DH's visa application and put the house on the market.

I applied for a job in the States and to my surprise they contacted me right away and I went for an interview. I thought it would take ages and ages and ages to get a job.

I didn't expect to get a job this fast but they hired me. It is a too good to turn down job. Problem is that I have to start May 1. DH won't have his visa by then and we still have to sell the house.

Plan is for me to go over there, start new job, stay with my parents and try to rent a house for me DH and the kids.

Once DH gets his visa he will hopefully have rented or sold the house and he and the kids will come over.

I may be separated from him and the kids for over 6 months.

My kids are 10, 8, and 7 and they are being surpisingly cool about it all. Dh's brother is going to help out while I am away.

I think it is something we have to do but I feel so shit leaving them.

I can't take them along at first because the hours that I will working don't jive with childcare, my parents work long hours and I will be staying in a tiny box room at my parents house in the beginning.

OP posts:

SnapFrakkleAndPop · 01/03/2011 03:56

You do it. It won't be easy but it's the best, and only logical, thing for your family right now.

Military families do it and cope and noone finds it odd, even when it's the mother going.

I agree the kids need to come our end of Juky/August to settle in and you can get a college student or temporary nanny to help. Tons of them on greataupair.com! If you're lucky they may know the local area or have siblings/cousins the same age as your DC to give them a few contacts to start with.

Quenelle · 01/03/2011 10:18

I don't envy your choice but it's all for the best reasons isn't it?

I would do it if I were in the same situation but try to visit as much as possible.

Good luck to your family in your new life.

pranma · 01/03/2011 10:40

I think you should do it!In the long term it will be best for the family.You will get over to see them and they are all old enough to understand.lots of phone calls including Skype,post cards and little gifts will make it easier.It will be harder for you and your dh than for your dc I think.

lesley33 · 01/03/2011 13:01

Really depends on your family. Does your DH play a large role in childcare - at least 50%? Sometimes when one partner goes away for work they haven't played a large role in childcare - at least of the younger ones, so the separation is easier for the children. If DH doesn't play a large role, thsi will be much harder for your children.

lesley33 · 01/03/2011 13:03

BTW I wouldn't make a decision based on the kids being cool about it. Children, and especially your youngest, really won't be able to understand what such a long separation would feel like.

lesley33 · 01/03/2011 13:06

Agree with other posters that if you do go, having a definite date for the kids to join you would make it easier on them. Its much harder for them if they don't know exactly when you will all be reunited.

Original poster

Newjobthankgod · 01/03/2011 15:56

Thanks for all your comments.

DH does play a huge rule in childcare as I have always been the breadwinner. I have always worked days, nights, weekends, holidays etc. So from the housework and patience perspective he is the better parent actually. Sometimes I have to do four 14 hour nights in a row so the kids are used to just having daddy. Other times I have 5 or 7 days off in a row whilst DH works. So parenting is definitely shared.

I still think he is going to be a lot harder on DH than he realises though.

OP posts:

tribpot · 01/03/2011 21:47

It's not forever, and you can maybe afford to buy in some additional help for him whilst you're gone?

jellybeans · 01/03/2011 22:19

I wouldn't, it would be horrible, just being honest.

sunnydelight · 01/03/2011 22:31

It will be tough but needs must. The fact that the kids are already used to DH being the hands on parent for a lot of the time will help. Congrats on getting the job!

Original poster

Newjobthankgod · 07/03/2011 09:55

We just found out that my stepson will be staying with DH and kids over the summer to help out whilst he is on break from university!! DH's son is a really good lad. Really helps to know that DH will have another grown up around. It sounds like they have a lot of fun stuff planned.

OP posts:

OTheHugeDaffodils · 07/03/2011 10:09

Good luck, Newjob. Hope it all goes well transitioning to your new life.

ciaobellaxx · 07/03/2011 19:28

YANBU! From the point of view as someone whose father did work away for months at a time (not forces, just to get settled in the new country), I would encourage you if you feel this is the best option for your family.

Honestly, it never really bothered us. We were 1mths, 4, 7 and 10 when Dad first went overseas and we followed five months later. (Yes... my Mum had her hands full, heh). He also had to do it again a few times about 6 years later, but again, no big deal. With skype and video calls, it's even easier to keep in touch these days. Don't get me wrong, I love my Dad, he's great, so it's not that I didn't miss him. But he and Mum didn't make a huge deal of it and I think we would have picked up on their vibes if they had been majorly stressed or resentful of the situation.

It will probably be harder on you than them, since they will be in their normal routines but you are starting over in a new place by yourself. If you can handle that, then you'll be fine. Don't listen to anyone who forecasts doom and gloom for your family, maybe they couldn't cope but you and your family sound like you could make a good go of it. Good luck!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/03/2011 19:33

Congrats on your new job, NewJobThankGod. :)

I wouldn't hesitate in the slightest and I'm assuming that your DH is supportive of the move. Nobody can afford to turn their noses up at good jobs nowadays. How fantastic that your BIL is going to help out.

It's a temporary arrangement and you just need to look into ways of maintaining communication with your family whilst you're away.

Lots to talk about and research... I think there was a thread here recently about someone else taking a year away from their family. There was some really good advice on it. Perhaps someone will be able to find it for you?

Good luck with it all...

Misfitless · 07/03/2011 20:17

Congratulations on your job. You're doing it for all the right reasons - for the good of your family. If it was me I'd go and make sure that I've got a couple of weeks holiday booked to spend some time with them to help them settle in when they move.

GeorgeEliot · 07/03/2011 20:25

it will be difficult as you will miss your dc terribly (more than they miss you!) but you will all be fine in the long run.

My dh has been working in USA for 18 months, away from family. It's been tough but it's been OK.

be prepared for some inevitable resentment between you and dh at some point too.

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