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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to get married?

71 replies

marriagematerial · 28/02/2011 11:36

I've been with my DP for six years, living together for almost four. I'm in my late 30s and have a daughter from a previous relationship. The past few years I've dropped quite a few hints that I'd like to get married, but DP says he doesn't see the point in marriage at all. Neither of us are religious at all - in fact he is strongly athiest. I broached the subject seriously yesterday (as opposed to the usual slightly barbed humour/hints) and said that it is something that matters to me; to be legally recognised as his next of kin and as his wife. Partly it's that I feel the terms 'girlfriend/boyfried' to be a bit ridiculous in reference to a long-term relationship between people over the age of 30, 'partner' still seems a bit too much like a business partner, and 'other half' is a little bit naff. I'd prefer to be able to say 'my husband'. Is that a really trivial reason for wanting to be married? Blush Grin

DP feels that the 'promise' of marriage is not one anyone can realistically make - things change, people change; if the relationship breaks down then having promised to stay together forever isn't going to make any difference. I have no illusions about marriage being necessarily forever either - I'm divorced after a short marriage years ago. His parents were unhappily married, mine were messily divorced. Yet I still want to be his wife, for the reasons I've listed and also something more, that I can't quite put my finger on.

I'd thought that it might be because I haven't got anything to offer financially - I only work part time - or that he'd think I'd then have a claim to the house (it's in his name only). He swears that's not the case and that he's happy with our situation, and I think he knows me well enough to know that I wouldn't try to get any money from him if we separated.

So....aibu to want to get married even when he's stated that he doesn't. And would it be a hollow joy if we did get married, knowing that he didn't really want to? [confusion]

OP posts:
igetmorelovefromthecat · 28/02/2011 11:43

YANBU for wanting to get married but if your DP isn't up for it I think you have to respect that, and decide whether it is so important that you would rather end the relationship.

Niceguy2 · 28/02/2011 11:45

Difficult one.

I used to be your DP. I've had two long term relationships. One with the mother of my kids, the other with a now ex-GF.

I wouldn't marry either of them. Couldn't see the point. Nothing in it for me other than a lot of expense. Outdated concept, you name it, I'd trot it out. Even convinced myself i'm just not the marrying type.

Now I've met my DP, I can honestly say I'd like to one day get married. In fact I'm probably keener than she is. Can't say why. I'd just like the commitment and certainty.

So what I'd say is that if DP doesn't want to get married, you have to question why not. It just seems from what he's said that he doesn't see this lasting forever.

mmsmum · 28/02/2011 11:45

YANBU or trivial but I'm not sure if he is BU. Maybe you could suggest writing your own vows for it?

worraliberty · 28/02/2011 11:46

There's nothing you can do about it I'm afraid.

I do feel for you though especially as he's willing to live with you but not to make the ultimate commitment.

said · 28/02/2011 11:47

Why don't you just call him your husband anyway if that's what matters to you? Many do.

curlymama · 28/02/2011 11:49

Niceguy has a very good point.

I think you have good reasons for wanting to be married, and as it would give you more security that way, your dp is being unreasonable to say no for the reasons he has given.

I personally wouldn't stay in a long term relationship with someone that didn't want to get married if I did.

solooovely · 28/02/2011 11:54

I'm in a similar position . . . so no answers!

BuzzLiteBeer · 28/02/2011 11:56

I don't understand why you would want to stand up and make promises you don't believe in with someone who doesn't want to? what on earth would be the point of that?

TheEvilDead2 · 28/02/2011 11:57

TBH it sounds like he isn't intersted in marrying you. Sorry :(

I think if you were that keen and he really cared enough he'd do it- even "just because" you wanted to. Although hopefully he'd not be too obvious that was his only reason! Leave him and meet someone who thinks the way you do. You don't want it to end years down the line when all the decent blokes really are taken!

LeQueen · 28/02/2011 12:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TobyLerone · 28/02/2011 12:13

" what I'd say is that if DP doesn't want to get married, you have to question why not."

Why? Maybe he just doesn't want to get married. Plenty of people don't. Some people are worried it'll change a great relationship into something else. Some just don't see the need. There are many reasons why one might not ever intend to get married.

But there doesn't always have to be some kind of slightly sinister reason.

Also, FWIW, I do think that wanting to call him your husband is a very trivial reason for wanting to get married.

curlymama · 28/02/2011 12:20

Toby, the thing is that even if it doesn't mean that much to him, it does mean alot to her. And if he cared about that enough, he would do it to 1)make her happy, 2)to protect her financially should anything change.

If he's worried that marriage might change the relationship, then that says it all really, that he doesn't think their relationship is good enough for marriage, or that he thinks at some point it's likely to go wrong and he will lose out financially.

People either want to commit or they don't. The ones that say they want to commit but they don't want to marry are either lying to themselves, their partners or both.

TobyLerone · 28/02/2011 12:26

Why should he get married just because she wants him to? That doesn't make any sense. Also, this:

"The ones that say they want to commit but they don't want to marry are either lying to themselves, their partners or both."

is just a massive generalisation and absolutely not true for everyone. It is totally possible to commit without a ring or a piece of paper! I know many couples who have been together for 10, 20, even 30+ years and never felt the need to get married. More committed-to-each-other couples you will never find.

There is an argument to say that marriage makes the commitment easy. If you're not married, you're staying together because you want to, not because you have signed something saying you have to.

FindingStuffToChuckOut · 28/02/2011 12:30

My DP has some funny views on marriage. He thinks that having a child with someone is no reason to get married (anyone can have ONE child with someone quite by accident) but if you have TWO children with someone then that is a lifelong committment with someone. Once I stopped laughing at his funny way of thinking I kind of guess I see it. DP was brought up on a council estate in East London where having one child with someone (and not living with them/being committed to them) is all too common an occurrence.

I am about to have DP's number 2 child so I guess I will be bracing myself for a proposal of sorts sometime following the birth.

Unlike you OP, I have no burning desire to get married at all, though I can see myself and DP spending the rest of our days together. A flash ring as a gift from him would be nice though. If he proposed I would accept, but I do have mixed feelings about the whole marriage thing. Almost all the married people I know are now divorced Shock

But OP I do not think YABU

rey · 28/02/2011 12:34

YANBU but sadly you have to respect his views too.

curlymama · 28/02/2011 12:35

Why should he get married just because she wants him to?

Because it's important to her and because it will provide her with financial stability and protection.

I agree with you that lots of couples stay together for a long time and are committed, but the difference is that they both hoose it to be that way.

One of my closest friend is in a long term committed relationship, and I have alot of respect for their relationship, the obviously love eachother and want to be together, and they make the effort because they want to rather than because they got married or they don't want to go through a divorce. But they have a joint mortgage, so neither has one up on the other in the financial stakes, and they both work full time. Neither of them want to be married, so it siuts them. They are aware that if one of them changed their minds then it would be hard on their relationship.

The way I see it is that if you are that sure you want to commit, and your partner has very valid and justified reasons for being married, why wouldn't you? Just saying 'I don't need a piece of paper.....' isn't really that strong a reason imo.

Mumsnut · 28/02/2011 12:41

I second what LeQ said: have seen an AWFUL LOT of girlfriends live with someone for years, they want to marry, partner says he doesn't believe in it, it makes no difference, then ten years down the line they are alone and partner has fallen head over heels and married someone else.

I suspect that for some blokes, not believing in marriage = keeping their options open.

Original poster
marriagematerial · 28/02/2011 12:41

Thanks for all the replies.

NiceGuy2 that's what I'm afraid of - that I'm just not the right one, and that if I was, he'd want to.

said that's what DP said, but it wouldn't feel right.

The thing is, in terms of his commitment to the relationshop, I feel more secure with him than in any other relationship I've had. I can't see us ever separating, and I don't think he can either. It's by far the best relationship I've had, and the only long-term relationship he's ever had.

I certainly wouldn't leave him over this, that would be madness. If it was a question of marry me or lose me, then I've no doubt he would marry me. I'd never force him into it like that though. Having finally had a serious discussion over it (we haven't ever done so before), I guess now I just need to let that percolate down and see whether it changes his views at all. My point to him was that if I would like to be married and he 'just doesn't see the point', then does my preference take precedence over his indifference IYSWIM? If he's actively against the idea, then that's different.

OP posts:
LeQueen · 28/02/2011 12:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
marriagematerial · 28/02/2011 12:48

The thing is though LeQ, being married doesn't stop someone leaving you and marrying again. It doesn't stop your relationship imploding (IME) or you ending up single/alone however many years down the line, does it?

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 28/02/2011 12:50

I don't think it makes a difference marriage or not to be honest.

He is also a die hard Athiest, you are both really happy why would marriage make such a big difference.

I do feel maybe if you were considering children it might be different.

But for me marriage is just a piece of paper and is nothing to do with committment at all.

OTheHugeManatee · 28/02/2011 12:50

"DP feels that the 'promise' of marriage is not one anyone can realistically make - things change, people change; if the relationship breaks down then having promised to stay together forever isn't going to make any difference."

Sorry, but I think that translates as 'I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with you'.

YANBU to want to get married, but I think YAmaybeU to think it'll be to this man. He's either too scarred by other relationships/family experience to commit full stop, or else he just doesn't want to marry you.

Either way, he's not willing to commit fully. So it's up to you really, whether or not you're OK with the idea of a partner who's always going to keep an escape rucksack packed, just in case.

I wouldn't be.

Original poster
marriagematerial · 28/02/2011 12:54

BuzzLiteBeer "I don't understand why you would want to stand up and make promises you don't believe in with someone who doesn't want to? what on earth would be the point of that?"

I wouldn't be making promises I don't believe in... here are the civil ceremony vows;
'i call upon these persons present to
witness that i (full names) do take
thee (full names) to be my lawful
wedded wife/husband. i promise to care for you
above all others, to give you my love and friendship
and respect and cherish you, throughout the rest of
our lives together.'

I feel comfortable saying that, I just accept that our life together may come to an end before our individual lives do.. Grin .. I want and expect to be together until one of us dies, but there's no way whatsoever of guaranteeing that.

It's the doing it with someone who doesn't want to that is the problem, yes.

OP posts:
givemeaclue · 28/02/2011 13:02

Your DP feels that marriage is not a promise that anyone (presumably including himself) can make. You feel that marriage doesn't neccessarily last forever.

Marriage is supposed to be a permanent commitment. Obviously for lots of people it doesn't work out - but the theory is that you go into it with the expectation and the commitment that it will work out. Yet both of you seem to have doubts that it would last permanently.

So I would say, on the basis of both of your doubts about marriage being a lasting arrangement and your DP feeling that he doesn't think marriage is a promise he can make, that perhaps marriage is not the right option for you as a couple?

You want to get married because you prefer the terms 'husband and wife' and because of 'something else you cannot put your finger on' - is this enough I wonder to enter into a permanent arrangement - especially with someone who doesn't think marriage is a viable option for them personally?

MaxiCosy · 28/02/2011 13:07

Like LeQ, I know several men who 'don't believe' in marriage only to later settle down and marry a different partner.

I know what you mean though OP, being married doesn't stop you ending up single/alone years down the line but I've seen it happen often enough (long term partner/don't believe in marriage/splits and immediately marries someone else) that I don't believe most men who say they don't believe in marriage. In your position I would be worried that he was just using it as an excuse. Have you had a very frank discussion about this and put him on the spot a little?

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