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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask people to stop buying dcs presents?

70 replies

RueLaChesty · 27/02/2011 19:41

or at the very least please stop buying them toys?

Will this sound totally rude and ungrateful??

Situation is I have 2 dds 18mo apart. They have EVERY toy you can think of!! It os beyond ridiculous, DD2 is 1 soon and i can't even begin to think what to get her so it looks like clothes from us. I just can't justify spwnding money on more toys.

DP and i both have large familys and they all buy for them, christmas was insane. The problem is that DD1 now expects something every time mil comes over at least once a week. We now try and pop over to hers to visit so she hasn't had a chace to go via the shops.

I don't want my dds growing up expecting obscene amounts for birthdays and christmas. I have a large extended family and i'll admit when younger we were spoiled until one year someone, quite rightly, decided that it was insane to expect to buy for 30odd nieces and nephews. But that was quite disappointing to us as children when we had come to expect this. I don't want my kids expecting it, and then acting spoiled if it stops as they are the oldest on either side so there are bound to be more kids!

How would you broach the subject? Has anyone ever had to deal with this before?

If people ask what to buy them at the moment, i'll say not to bother but if they insist i'll say just get them pjs. But they mostly insist on buying huge toys!

It sounds really ungrateful, but i am grateful, i just don't have the room and they have too many toys to play with!! Arghhhh....

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 27/02/2011 19:43

If they ask what to buy say Debenhams or M&S VOuchers so you can buy them clothes instead.

regeneration · 27/02/2011 19:44

YADefinaltyNBU

I am fully with you. I'm afaid that I don't know how you're going to solve it tho. If you find a solution let me know Confused

Original poster
RueLaChesty · 27/02/2011 19:48

note to self, spell check first before posting! Oops!!

I have spoke to my mum so she will hopefully get my side to give vouchers or clothes. I also mentioned to mil that they could both do with summer gear, but she seems to have taken this to mean buying them clothes and toys!!

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 27/02/2011 19:49

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swallowedAfly · 27/02/2011 19:50

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Original poster
RueLaChesty · 27/02/2011 19:56

dp is getting really annoyed as dd1 has absolutely no appreciation for anything, ok shes 2.7 but still, she needs to learn that just because she breaks or draws all over something she won't get a new one. :(

christmas day was just a flurry of wrapping paper and i actually don't know who got them what!

OP posts:
compo · 27/02/2011 19:59

At that age they won't notice if you donate some of their toys to charity shops or a childrens ward
I'd do that rather than hurt peoples feelings over it

belindarose · 27/02/2011 20:05

What about thinking of something 'big' to save up for that would be for both if them (garden climbing equipment or playhouse maybe) and asking people to contribute towards that?

lilolilmanchester · 27/02/2011 20:05

Maybe think about things for the garden for summer, even things for next year if not for this e.g. sandpit/boules/gardening stuff.... or next stage games .... or ask for vouchers which you could use later in the year. Or tell people they have more than they can appreciate and please make a donation to their favourite children's charity in lieu

mmsmum · 27/02/2011 20:08

YABU and ungrateful

If you don't want/need them then involve DC's in giving them to others. Any childrens homes nearby?

You are incredibly lucky and it's about time you realised that

TanteAC · 27/02/2011 20:15

Er, I have to say I think YABU, sorry!

If they are close enough, and definitely going to buy a present, say 'oh, what dc would really love is X'.

Or what about asking for books, or lessons, or a day out somewhere? Or equipment for a hobby?

My DSis said this to me the other day when I asked if there is anything in particular she would like as a christening present for DN - I felt a bit rejected, tbh Blush

People buy presents as a gesture of love and affection. It feels a bit mean to reject that. It is their decision, not yours (don't mean that tosound as harsh as it sounds, sorry!) whether or not to buy, and indeed what to buy as well.

Totally understand you not wanting your children to be spoilt or ungrateful, though. Why don't you put some away for later, or as compo said, donate them to children's wards, etc - you can involve your children in this to help them understand the needs of others.

HTH

Balsam · 27/02/2011 20:21

I feel your pain. We have a constant onslaught of STUFF for our two DCs. DH and I have never bought a toy for DS in his short life as we've never needed to.

We are lucky and grateful but it is infuriating when my neighbour comes round and says disapprovingly 'So many toys...' - I feel like screaming 'yes, and I didn't fucking buy a single one of them'.

Oblomov · 27/02/2011 20:36

Stop the tat. The way to do this, is to do what my sil did. choose something BIG. She told us all ( 7 brothers and sisters, my dh being her brother), that the children wanted a trampoline. Big one. expensive. few hundred quid. so we all contributed.
Think big.
= EASY
End of plastic tat and hoards of stuff you don't want.
Simples

Nanny0gg · 27/02/2011 20:37

Why is it ungrateful for not wanting people to waste their money on things that children don't need?

NorthernerAtHeart · 27/02/2011 20:43

Love Oblomov's idea - think also climbing frames, wooden swing sets......things that you could put both DD's birthday presents towards in the spring.

My suggestion would be don't bother buying anything much yourselves.

For DD's first Christmas (she is DC3) I got her a very small soft toy reindeer and nothing else (she was 3 months old).
For her first birthday, we got her a small wooden toy from ELC for a tenner.
She didn't need anything, so we just got her a token present each time, leaving room for others to give her pressie without (me!) feeling overwhelmed.

Last year for all 3 DC we bought them a fab swingset in May last year as a shared present for their birthdays in April, July and Oct, with somethign small for the older DC on their birthdays.

HelenBaaBaaBlackSheep · 27/02/2011 20:44

Yes and no. I feel quite uncomfortable with the huge amounts of Stuff that children get, it's so unnecessary and devalues the giving of presents. On the other hand, I really like buying things for children as they get so excited about opening them! How about a compromise where you ask for books? No-one can have too many books and when your children grown out of them you can pass them on easily.

eileenslightlytotheleft · 27/02/2011 20:50

I ask one SIL for PJs every birthday. Have also asked for swimming woggle and goggles, and party clothes from granny. My mum always asks what she should buy and we think about it together - she has bought winter coats (v useful), a clothes rail (a pretty one!) and bikes.

I think it is easier when your kids gets older tbh. I have thought about asking for an annual pass to our local farm for both DDs - am definitely going to do that next christmas. I tend to ask for more worthwhile toys - craft stuff, lego and factual books, which my DDs really love and which don't take up space we don't have. Next birthday I will ask for a subscription to a good comic or perhaps a wildlife charity.

I am lucky in that lots of relatives just send money - DCs love opening the envelope and don't seem to notice that they only get a tenner or so for their money box. I put it all in their CTF.

saffy85 · 27/02/2011 20:53

YANBU as it's got to the stage your DC expect to get stuff when they see certain people so aren't appreciating these people for who they are, which is a real shame. My MIL brings stuff everytime she sees DD but not a huge deal as it only every few months but DP has asked her to tone it down as DD was turning into a spoilt brat when she saw them.

Definately sounds like a clearout is needed OP and plenty of their stuff could be appreciated by other children who maybe aren't as lucky. Smile

swallowedAfly · 27/02/2011 20:55

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supersewer · 27/02/2011 20:56

I get where you are coming from my DC are very spoilt by DH family. I have tried various approaches but nothing works. Last year I asked for one easter egg and book tokens at Easter (one week after ds birthday) and we ended up with lots of book tokens and an obscene amount of chocolate eggs!!
sit back and let it wash over after a few months of sitting on a shelf unused you can donate itSmile

LadyInPink · 27/02/2011 20:57

eileen i'm also a sil who buys PJ's every birthday but not for 2 girls so we def aren't related Smile

Bit [shocked] at your 'only a tenner in their cards' comment though! £10 is a huge amount for children especially if a few relatives do the same!

kitkat1000 · 27/02/2011 20:59

i feel your pain! i have 2 girls and so we have lots of prams, dolls etc. I always get the grandparents to alternate between buying coats/boots as a present for their birthday as they're both winter birthdays. I also tell everyone else to buy a present either for their b'day or xmas - not both - giving a voucher for one or the other. This works well and i find most of my family like this as it takes away thinking of ideas! It also allows them to but new things in the summer. I also emphasise the things they like which are replaceable like colouring books, play doh and art and crafts. If it gets too much i often hide them before they get too attached and bring them out weeks later when they're bored! - only if i can get away with it obviously! :)

Beamur · 27/02/2011 21:05

Presents are also for the pleasure of the giver!
But - I do direct my parents and PIL presents with ideas and both of my parents will often give money for me to put towards a larger present - like some outdoor play equipment for later in the year. DD has a Feb birthday so is still over-presented from Christmas by the time her birthday comes round.
I don't think you should ask people to stop, as they probably enjoy buying gifts for your kids, but I personally think it is ok to ask for specific items or money towards a bigger item.
I've asked my Mum not to get DD clothes as she really doesn't appreciate that as a gift - I'd rather it was something she would enjoy.

Summerbird73 · 27/02/2011 21:15

oh god yes i feel your pain too. YADDDDNBU. My DS is 20mo and the problem i have is with my sisters. Now i know it isnt a real 'problem' and i know it is because he is the first nephew and they just want to give him nice things, they also live away so maybe feel that they want to overcompensate.

Christmas was plain stupid, i specifically said not to buy big pressies as we were driving from my mums straight over to the inlaws the other side of the country, and so had all of our overnight stuff too and wouldnt have room in the car, so my sister decides to get him a craft table and my mum gets him an ikea baby poang chair! dont get me wrong we are really grateful but simply dont have the room.

And we cant donate to charities as my sisters would know straight away and be offended (in fact i would get it in the neck for being ungrateful).

Now i am expecting another DC i am hoping it is another boy as we couldnt cope with all of this in stereo with girls toys!

I am going to have to be militant for DSs birthday in June and just say that we dont have the room and to get him books, mind you i said this at xmas...

I just dont want him and babba#2 to be spoilt!

sorry for the long post, just wanted to rant - and OP i totally agree with you!

nailak · 27/02/2011 21:16

imo birthday gifts are for the pleasure of the kids to open them, it doesnt even matter if it is a pound shop gift that lasts 2 days

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