to ask people to stop buying dcs presents?

[RueLaChesty]

or at the very least please stop buying them toys?

Will this sound totally rude and ungrateful??

Situation is I have 2 dds 18mo apart. They have EVERY toy you can think of!! It os beyond ridiculous, DD2 is 1 soon and i can't even begin to think what to get her so it looks like clothes from us. I just can't justify spwnding money on more toys.

DP and i both have large familys and they all buy for them, christmas was insane. The problem is that DD1 now expects something every time mil comes over at least once a week. We now try and pop over to hers to visit so she hasn't had a chace to go via the shops.

I don't want my dds growing up expecting obscene amounts for birthdays and christmas. I have a large extended family and i'll admit when younger we were spoiled until one year someone, quite rightly, decided that it was insane to expect to buy for 30odd nieces and nephews. But that was quite disappointing to us as children when we had come to expect this. I don't want my kids expecting it, and then acting spoiled if it stops as they are the oldest on either side so there are bound to be more kids!

How would you broach the subject? Has anyone ever had to deal with this before?

If people ask what to buy them at the moment, i'll say not to bother but if they insist i'll say just get them pjs. But they mostly insist on buying huge toys!

It sounds really ungrateful, but i am grateful, i just don't have the room and they have too many toys to play with!! Arghhhh....

We had a no present christmas for the adults at Christmas, and asked for just 1 present instead of the loads she usually gets for DD. Maybe ask everyone to get her a copy of their favourite childhood book and write something on the front for her?

ladyinpink I meant that they only get their hands on a tenner - which is one person's gift - because I bank the rest and they don't seem to notice. They get about £50 usually, from various people, and there's no way they are spending that on toys. And I live the sil who buys pjs!

Love not live!

Why not instead of saying no more presents. How about making suggestions for other things.

Books for example? You can buy the most beautiful hardback childrens books that they can keep until they're older. Say to relatives that they don't have many books and you'd like to build up a library for them when they're older.

Do it in a jokey way and say they have far too many toys and they don't last long as at their age they'll grow out of them quickly.

Some of my best childhood memories aren't from ym toys but from the wonderful stories I read.

YANBU. Especially since it's us the parents who feel all the guilt when the expensive tat is thrown in a corner after the first 30 seconds of excitement and never looked at again. People need to realise that the more children are given (in terms of quantity) the less they will appreciate it.

Nothing ungrateful about that.

I think I live on a different planet to most of you

Pain?! You are all feeling each others pain that 'too many' people care enough about your DC's to give them presents, and oh how awful it is that they get so many gifts and have big families full of caring, loving relatives

I brought up to believe that you were grateful for anything and everything you were given because you were lucky to be given anything at all

I spend most birthdays/Christmas' worrying that dd will be left out when she goes back to school and doesn't have what the other kids do. I worry that she will be upset when she can't say what she got from grandparents/aunties etc because she got nothing

Seriously, you lot are disgusting and I really do not like saying something like that

eileen thanks so much for clarifying, i thought i may have misinterpreted what you meant and i so did My sil loves the fact i buy PJ's as the kids wear them all year and say Auntie Ladyinpink bought these and remember me so i continue. I am also the boring aunt who buys them useful things too but they get so much and the parents really appreciate them getting what they need as well as what they want from other relatives.

I'm not doing party bags either this year and instead am spending the money i would have spent on our sponsored child - our DD is very much on board with this idea and will explain to her friends as well as show a pic of her 'sister in Africa'

Mmsmum, i think you are missing my point.

i am fully aware that we are very lucky in that people care enough to buy for them but at 2.7yo and 10mo they don't need the excessive amounts of toys they have.

My concern is how unappreciative my DD1 is becoming. She couldn't tell you what gran/aunt got her as it was all too much. I want her to appreciate her gran coming over because she loves her and not because she buys her things. I'd rather she went in to school/nursery and said, oh my gran took me to the park, not oh my gran bought me latest toy.

I just want to know how to broach the subject without offending people!

I would rather people toned it down in order for her to appreciate what she has. We don't have much money, well any at the moment, so for DD2s birthday it will be clothes that she needs and that we don't already have saved from DD1.

I like the idea of people chipping in for a bigger present. I might suggest that. And books, both DDs love their books and i always suggest that.

Why not open savings accounts and suggest they pay into those instead? I appreciate the problem, I don't think it is good for DCs.

Make your local children's centres/nurseries/charity shops etc very happy and donate regularly. Get your kids involved so that they can appreciate that they are very lucky to have a lot of toys and some children are not so they can help them out by sharing :)

Rue I think I might have missed your point, I am sorry. I saw lots of posts starting with I feel your pain, and thought for gods sakes it's hardly pain! I do think you are doing the right thing in wanting DC's to appreciate the person and not the things.

Other people have made excellent suggestions about making donations to hospitals/homes etc and if you involve DC's it will be good for them.

Otherwise, just start telling people what you/kids want. When DD gets invited to parties I'll always ask what the child would like and would like to think I'd do the same to someone in the family. Especially as people can be struggling for the basics and toys aren't really going to help. Maybe just start telling them that they want x and would you all mind getting together for it? Something like that

OP my mother used to do this too, presents every time she saw DC. I asked her to stop, explained we don't have room for loads more toys and that we dont want them expecting gifts all the time and she's accepted that. She buys tons of stuff for them to keep at her house and occasionally puts money into a savings account for them instead. She now always runs Xmas and birthday ideas by me first. I think it's worth saying something to the people who buy most frequently. You really aren't being U; just trying to stop waste and over indulgence.

Mmsmum - 'I was brought up to believe that you were grateful for anything and everything you were given and you were lucky to be given anything at all'

This is exactly what we're moaning about - it's impossible to teach your child this when he's given new stuff every month and mountains more at Xmas and birthdays.

I'm with you on this - I had to do it with my in laws. They started giving the kids gifts when I had my youngest, I had wanted to give each older sibling one welcome present from the new baby. I was shocked to discover the in laws had a car boot filled with Toys R Us bags of things they were giving the kids while I was in hospital. After that excess, the kids got a new gift every visit, until my 4 year old was saying 'can we go to Babcia's for a present now?' and saying 'where's my present?!' as soon as he got in their door. I was mortified at this behaviour and told them the gifting had to stop because he had gone from looking forward to seeing them, to looking forward to seeing presents. He even said to my father in law 'I only like Babcia, not you, because she gives me presents'. It was a horrible, ugly stage and as soon as I persuaded them they were doing harm by encouraging it, things got better. it was tough though, and only worked because they went away for a month and he sort of forgot.

Good luck persuading people to reduce the gifts. Maybe suggest a couple of pounds as a gift - to a little kid something to put in the money box is great, and doesn't take up much space. Teaches them to earn a bigger gift too :-)

it does get easier the older they get, my ds will be 10 shortly and he has lots of interests so they all contribute to these instead, either in terms of money or something he needs.

a couple of years ago grandparents bought him ice-skating lessons and boots, he actually wanted an x-box and I said no as he has enough electronic toys, but he loved learning to skate and as others have said books are great he now has a wonderful library and he loves to read

there is a light at the end of the tunnel

YABU. It's a bit rude to suggest what people should/shouldn't buy, unless they have specifically asked. People enjoy choosing and giving gifts. Just have your own sort-outs and send older stuff to the charity shop.

Set up a savings account/trust fund in DC's name and distribute the paying in details to all family. Remind them that, in the not too distant future, we're all going to have to stump up half an annual salary for unviersity fees, and the best present they could give is money towards higher education.

Also, the big present idea works wonders. 3 GPs contributed to DD's climbing frame, and they all get to feel proud when they come round and see her on it.

Days out are another good one - they can buy vouchers from local attractions, like farms, or from the company that runs Chessington, Alton Towers, Tussauds, etc.

We do give a lot od DD's toys to charity shops, but I have the same worry as you, that she sees her massive haul at birthdays and Christmas and is losing sight of how lucky she is, because it becomes the norm. When she gets one present from us that she's really wanted for ages, you can see that she understands how lucky she is, and that she must have been a good girl to deserve that. But then 50 other presents appear at Christmas, and there's no acknowledgement from her, just move on to unwrapping the next.

You can tell them you don't expect presents but I think it is mean to tell them not to bring them. Just chuck out the excess.

But somestimes throwing out the excess means getting rid of things the dc still like and play with so as not to offend whoever has bought the new things you dont even want. My sm is like this, christmas every year is a nightmare. We have a tiny two bed house, enough room for one large toy downstairs (ie toy kitchen, doll pram etc) and two upstairs. Last xmas, sm bought my dd 6 massive presents, doll house, vanity table, toy rocking horse etc plus boxes and boxes of other things. Now I know it seems ungrateful but I was annoyed for several reasons.
I asked her not to buy big bulky things due to lack of space. Why cant people just respect that?
DD has tons of toys already and sm knows this. She kept buying everything I had mentioned that I had bought so I ended up with 2 of each.
We dont drive and so have been left with tons of boxes in our garden that the recycling wont take as too big.
Neither I, my family or dps family had a lot of money last xmas so we agreed not to spend too much. We all felt really shit when we saw how much sm had bought and it was more like xmas day at her house than our own for dd
Sm then tried to make us ALL the presents she had bought to show my mum. I said no as this would have upset my mum who had bought dd (lovely) second hand things as she is very poor atm.
She is obsessed with shopping and has tons of money (despite not working) so I dont think this is out of goodness, more showing off, bragging to friends etc. Also, I often hear my dad saying," but x has been so good to you". It makes me feel like she has a hold over me because she buys my dd lots and I hate it.
She would absolutely never agree to buy vouchers, put money in bank etc. I know I probably am being unreasonable but I dont want a repeat of last year. It ruined xmas for me tbh. It took me ages to sort everything and I have just had a new baby so it has really stressed me out.

YABU, thin yourself lucy that people love your chidlren enough to want to get them gifts. Some children have little family to do this.

If asked, its fine to suggest books, dvds, craft things (easily disposed of) but rude to suggest things if not asked.

Box some up and store it in the loft, then bring it out on school hols etc. Any excess can go to charity.

We have this problem too (though to a lesser degree), and YANBU.

My PIL never remember the DCs birthdays, step PILs always buy them something but its always something wildly inappropriate and thoughtless (usually goes straight to charity shop), but my parents love to buy everything they can think of for the child...a lego set AND some mecanno AND some new clothes AND some more new clothes in a bigger size for next year AND a racing car track AND some DVDs...etc.

We have pleaded with them to contain themselves to one or two gifts, and it has helped, although they don't stick to that 'rule'. Generally Mum will wrap 3 or 4 smaller things together and claim it is "one gift".

We have had a trampoline from them ("but they still need individual presents too"), scooters, theatre tickets, a years zoo pass etc. DSs birthday is coming up so I've asked them to pay for DS's soccer club lessons for a term, as we can't really afford it this year. They will still buy him something else as well, but hopefully just the one toy. I think the Big Ticket items are the way to go - experiences, or more expensive toys that people can club together to buy.

I don't think saying "some people have no family" etc is that relevant to be honest. The OP says she appreciates that the family are being kind, but this kind of 'overgenerosity' brings its own kind of problems in terms of teaching DC to expect gifts and to not appreciate the things they have as being precious and finite.

Of course nobody wants a family who doesn't care (my DH's mother never remembers the DCs birthdays, and that is a source of real sadness for D H, and makes me very cross), but it doesn't have to be one or the other. There is plenty of middle ground where gifts can be given in a way that is healthy for DC and enjoyable for the giver and the recievers (and their parents).

I totally agree OP.

I also recommend asking for money towards something big. We've also asked for money towards a season ticket for local attractions e.g zoo. This year we've been planning a holiday in a yurt and people have been giving us vouchers towards that (the holiday company does them). Any left over will go towards a long weekend there or next year.

Close family often put money straight into the DC's savings accounts, knowing that it will go towards their education or music lessons etc.