to ask people to stop buying dcs presents?

[RueLaChesty]

or at the very least please stop buying them toys?

Will this sound totally rude and ungrateful??

Situation is I have 2 dds 18mo apart. They have EVERY toy you can think of!! It os beyond ridiculous, DD2 is 1 soon and i can't even begin to think what to get her so it looks like clothes from us. I just can't justify spwnding money on more toys.

DP and i both have large familys and they all buy for them, christmas was insane. The problem is that DD1 now expects something every time mil comes over at least once a week. We now try and pop over to hers to visit so she hasn't had a chace to go via the shops.

I don't want my dds growing up expecting obscene amounts for birthdays and christmas. I have a large extended family and i'll admit when younger we were spoiled until one year someone, quite rightly, decided that it was insane to expect to buy for 30odd nieces and nephews. But that was quite disappointing to us as children when we had come to expect this. I don't want my kids expecting it, and then acting spoiled if it stops as they are the oldest on either side so there are bound to be more kids!

How would you broach the subject? Has anyone ever had to deal with this before?

If people ask what to buy them at the moment, i'll say not to bother but if they insist i'll say just get them pjs. But they mostly insist on buying huge toys!

It sounds really ungrateful, but i am grateful, i just don't have the room and they have too many toys to play with!! Arghhhh....

Yanbu

If they want to give a gift then I'd ask them to get things like cinema or attraction tickets rather than toys. Experiences can create invaluable memories.

My dd's favourite pressie of all time was an hour's lesson at a local stables. We could never afford it as a proper hobby but she loved the experience so much and talks about it years later.

I would also consider the money/vouchers towards something big too.

ooooh, crazygracieuk, the riding lesson is a GREAT idea, my DD will love that for her birthday in June :) Will start planting the idea in my mothers mind next time I see her :o

I don't think that 'lucky to have family' is relevant either.
Maybe the best idea is just to have an honest chat and ask them if they really want the DCs to associate them with presents and wouldn't they rather that they were excited to see them for their own sake, not for what they are bringing?
Suggest the savings account and then eventually the DCs will be really pleased.

YANBU. We explained to relatives that we wanted our kids to be pleased to see them, not the presents they bring, and that they could help the children learn the value of things and we'd be grateful for their help. It did cause a bit of huffing and puffing but on the whole it worked with most people most of the time.
People have complicated relationships with gift-giving and what it means to them so you have to tread carefully, but I think it's completely reasonable to ask for it to be toned down and I think people in their heart of hearts know that.

In my view YANBU. We have the same issue in our family - particularly with DH family. The DCs have far far too much stuff - most of which they never play with and do not appreciate. We have also run out of room and I know that I should clear out and take to charity, but working full time does not give me much time to do this.

A knock on affect of this is that it also makes the presents from my side of the family look mean. My dad will give them 1 present for birthday and spend about £30 - he will think about it and the present will be relevant to what they are interested in at that point in time. My IL's will buy them a huge pile of presents and spend about £200. The will set a money limit and continue buying stuff until they meet the limit.

Anyhow, our solution has been to ask for theatre or cinema vouchers now that they are a bit older. It works to a degree, although they still feel the need to buy some presents....

We have asked for money/vouchers for theatre trips, days out and grandparents, after some initial resistance, have obliged. This weekend we went to the seaside to a B and B - this was with birthday money for the oldest DC - he will now write a nice 'thank you' letter for his treat! They have also given us money for swimming lessons for the youngest and an IKEA voucher for a new desk for my other DC!

YANBU to say NO to more toys!

As an aunt, I try to get small gifts for very young children that will be useful such as clothes etc. Fortunately we are a small-ish family so it is not too much of a problem but even so I can see how quite a few gifts do mount up.

I really love the idea of the college fund for the DC - even if they don't go to Uni, this would be useful for driving lessons and first car, or even towards a deposit for first property?

Once DC get to secondary school there are often things like optional trips that could also be funded from such an account - am thinking about things like ski-ing or even kit for D of E.

When DC are very young, these big expensive presents are much more about giver ego than what the child wants or needs.

For slightly older children, we like things like charity memberships e.g. junior RSPB, local wildlife trust, days out at various events and so on.

Please do be firm with your family - this is about the importance of respecting your values and raising children who are not spoilt ungrateful brats. Time and love are the best gifts.

We have this every christmas too, huge mountains of presents from the PiL (and as DH's parents are divroces, I've two sets of PiL)

So this year I snapped. One gift for each child, and if they want to do something else they can pay for swimming/music/dance etc etc. My DM got us family national trust membership which is brillent! DD loves her swimming lessons and chats to Granny about them for ages every time they speak.

YANBU and a few painfull conversations could help sort out the future.

Here we are big on books, annoying glittery craft stuff and big ticket stuff for the garden.

We're moving into the experience territory, this week we met my parents at local National Trust place, great time was had by all and everyone thanked grandparents for the pass for the whole year. We had lots of happy conversations planning where we'd go next with (and without) the parents.

It's got easier as more children have come into the family, like you OP we have the first grand children for this generation and you can see MIL changing her ideas as yet another pfb turns up but it was hard being the evil first daughter inlaw.

YANBU. I thank my lucky stars that mum never buys the kids toys, she gives money or books. She knows I'm usually stressed out with the lack of storage and number of large toys we have in this house.

XP's family are very generous but we now have a house full of stuff. I think his parents finally got the message a few months ago as they gave the dc's money for their birthdays instead. I almost cheered when I realised it wasn't something I would need to find a new toy box for.

As for the responses saying the OP is being ungrateful, I find it ironic that these posters are pointing out how many children aren't as lucky as the OP's. Yes, exactly, and that's why I personally find it heartbreaking when people shower my DD with numerous unwanted presents that will go straight to the charity shop because we don't have room. It is excatly because I know how many children in the world aren't so lucky that I wish these well-meaning relatives would stop fuelling this consumer-driven BS by buying a load more expensive, useless plastic crap that we've asked them not to.

From the other PoV - DH and I used to buy presents for our nephew, but he would get heaps and heaps of plastic tat and expensive stuff and nephew is, frankly, spoilt in the way you have all mentioned. DH and I now put £25 into a savings account each b-day and Xmas that we haven't told his mum about (she'd raid it). When he's 18 we'll give it to him to help pay for education/car/travel. It's been two years now and no-one's even noticed we haven't given him anything - that's how many presents he gets. (only grandchild so far).

Oh - and I know his mum used to sell things off on ebay. I suppose I understand, but we found it very hurtful that our carefully chosen and bought presents, esp when we don't have much money, were being flogged to line her pockets. One of the reasons we stopped.

well said lisascat.

Yes, clubbing together for a more expensive gift is the way to go - for previous Xmases and bdays, ds1 has been given a trampoline, a nintendo ds and massive lego sets from his many aunts and uncles, rather than loads of smaller presents. We're as chuffed with these great gifts as he is. It feels a lot less like people have "wasted" money on gifts they just dont appreciate. "Waste" is completely the wrong word but I hope you see what I mean

same situation here. Just take the toys and havd them back. if they get arsey say if they continue to do so youl just take them down to the charity shop. if they want to help, they can give yo cash or soemthing you ask for

I got a bit of look when suggesting to gp's that because dd has birthday in december and xmas that perhaps they gave her some money so that during the year she could choose her own toys (say in June/July) or we could buy her something then with the money. I thought it was a brilliant idea - they could have wrapped it and given it to her, but no. Instead she actually got several of the same thing (with no reciepts) which might not have happened. I know its nice of people to give gifts but 3 x sets of playdoh ice cream maker was fun! (This was on top of the fact that she already had one anyway................and everyone ignored the requests of peppa/ben and holly etc oh well!) I don't think yabu as basically people spend lots of money on tat that then doesn't get played with and goes to the charity shop all the time everyone else wins!

Sorry but I think that would be really rude. Would you like it if you gave someone a carefully-chosen gift and they gave it straight back to you and said they didn't need it?

"Just take the toys and havd them back."

If they want to give a gift, why not open a bank account each for the children and explain that the children have enough possessions right now, but if they would like to put the equivalent money into their savings account for the future, you're sure it will be a great help to them when they're older...

As kids, all our relatives kept to the same budget of 20pounds for gifts. So Mum and Dad would buy a main 20quid gift, each set of grandparents would do the same. Aunts and Uncles stuck below 10pounds. I think that worked well because we had so much fun choosing what we asked for, and didn't get overwhelmed with unwrapping. I totally ruined one Christmas for my daughter, by buying 20 new barbies to kickstart her collection - she just opened each one and tossed it aside; some were still in the boxes months later. I felt so stupid for assuming it would make her happier to have lots than the one I had for months before I saved enough for more... maybe you could explain to them that it overwhelms kids to receive too much at once?