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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to sleep at a male friends house?

61 replies

nonamesavalible · 27/02/2011 12:42

Just finding out the general opinion on here.
I have a male friend I have known 9 years and have always been close with but nothing has have or will ever happend between us as for one Im married and also it would be too good a friendship to ruin.

The only problem is he does live a distance away so when he visits he usually sleeps over on my sofa and same if I visit him, except I end up in his bed (obviously clothed and nothing happens except sleep) as his sofa is too small for me to sleep on comfortably.

My husband is completly fine with this and gets on with my friend as well and doesn't see it an issue, but when I speak to my female friends they says it's not a done thing and I shouldn't do it as it's not fair to DH.

So my question: is it BU to have a close male friend when you are married.

OP posts:

IAmTheCookieMonster · 27/02/2011 12:44

if your DH is fine with and knows that you slee n the same bed then it is fine.

If your DH is not fine with it then it is not fine.

YouGoGlennCoco · 27/02/2011 12:45

wht is this an issue
?

what an odd post

VinegarTits · 27/02/2011 12:45

yanbu, your friends need to get over it

FabbyChic · 27/02/2011 12:47

I used to have a close male friend, and we would sleep in the same bed, nothing was ever going to happen either.

It is weird for some but if it works for you and your husband is okay with it, it is nothing to do with anybody else.

PorcelinaOfTheVastOceans · 27/02/2011 12:47

i have no problem with DP having female friends, his best friend is female. but i have to say i would be if they ended up in bed together.

Original poster

nonamesavalible · 27/02/2011 12:49

Sorry the point of my post is after having a "friend" of mine shouting at me down the phone, calling me a tart and having a go saying that I am risking my marriage and I shouldn't be doing it.
I never thought of it as an issue but a few of my RL friends really disappove.

OP posts:

Trinaluce · 27/02/2011 12:50

I have a male friend that I really (REALLY REALLY) like and I talk about quite a bit - DH doesn't mind, he says he'd worry more if I suddenly stopped talking about him (ie that I had something to hide).

As long as you're honest and open and all parties involved know nothing's going on or is ever going to I don't see the problem. If your friends can't understand that, that's their problem.

ladysybil · 27/02/2011 12:51

having a male friend isnt an issue i think. sleeping in the same bed as him is an issue i think. obviously only if you make it one, but i think its one of those things that are always fine when tines are good, but can be thrown back at you when times are bad.

NinkyNonker · 27/02/2011 12:55

I have slept in the same bed as male friends many q time before DH, wouldn't now though. Don't know why, feels immature to me I guess (for want if a better word) and too open to interpretation. Depending on the friend DH wouldn't mind, and vice versa, but I wouldn't do it anyway.

Original poster

nonamesavalible · 27/02/2011 13:11

My DH does know I sleep in my friends bed with him and he has seen how I can't fit on the sofa.
He is quite happy with it all as he knows he can trust me 100% and he trusts my friend too.
FWIW if my friend got a bigger sofa I would sleep on it.

OP posts:

BooyFuckingHoo · 27/02/2011 13:13

ignore your jealous friend. if she choses to be with men that don't trust her that is up to her but you have a partner who is happy for you to spend time with friends regadrless of gender and who trusts you. she is jealous.

Longtalljosie · 27/02/2011 13:14

My DH does know I sleep in my friends bed with him and he has seen how I can't fit on the sofa.

Blimey. Well, as long as your DH really doesn't mind that's fine but I can't imagine how he doesn't.

BertieBotts · 27/02/2011 13:17

You don't need to mention it to your RL friends if they're going to be like that about it.

"Risking your marriage" what an odd thing to say. What's the risk? That you might suddenly become overcome with lust for your friend? Surely that could happen anyway? I'm pretty sure sleeping in someone's bed doesn't make you any more likely to fancy them.

Would they find it weird if it was a female friend?

loonyrationalist · 27/02/2011 13:18

Yanbu if your dh is truly happy with the setup. Not sure why your friends are interfering unless they suspect that your dh is not as ok with it as you believe??

I personally wouldn't do it, I'd take an airbed or stay elsewhere.

BooyFuckingHoo · 27/02/2011 13:18

exactly bertie, if anything was going to happen, they wouldn't need to be in a bed for it to happen. you either trust your partner or you don't.

FabbyChic · 27/02/2011 13:20

Why would you even tell your friends I have no idea, it is a weird set up for some, and it would be frowned upon.

I'd seriously consider getting rid of the friend who called you a tart for a start.

BertieBotts · 27/02/2011 13:23

You worded it better Booy

My bf lives in a tiny 2-room annex thing. Last time he had friends round to stay he had 6 of them all sleeping in his double bed. One was a girl (OK her boyfriend was there too, but still) - I wasn't in the slightest bit worried, in fact it didn't even cross my mind to think about it until now.

I would be bothered if he had a female friend to stay and they were cuddling up in bed etc. But again, if they were being cuddly, touchy feely etc constantly out of bed I wouldn't like that either. It's just about boundaries.

NinkyNonker · 27/02/2011 13:25

Yes to getting rid of that friend. If it is a regular enough occurrence to be a discuss point why not stash an airbed at his? They fold up small, are quite cheap and could live under the bed or in a cupboard. Would Def be my preference as I hate sharing with anyone other than DH.

veritythebrave · 27/02/2011 13:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

penguin73 · 27/02/2011 13:30

I don't think I would put by OH in the position of asking him if he minded whether I shared another man's bed even if it was just as good friends even though we trust each other implicitly. I don't know you, your friend or your husband so can't comment on your individual case, but can understand how many people might find it a bit odd and make assumptions. Maybe this is why your friend is so concerned? Calling you a tart isn't on, but it could be that she is just saying to your face what others are saying behind your back....of course if this isn't an issue for you, your friend and your DH then carry on and ignore them.

frgr · 27/02/2011 13:41

is this really something that is an issue?

you're ok with it, your friend is ok with it, your Dh is ok with it - so what's your friend's problem?

is it because they think it's somehow inappropriate, so they are casting their own judgement on you?

tell them to bog off.

Original poster

nonamesavalible · 27/02/2011 13:43

An airbed may not be a bad idea, hadn't really thought of it to be honest as it's not really an issue for any of us who sleeps where.
My friends only know as we were all mutual friends once upon a time and have all been to his place and seen how small it is, but they have never stayed as they can drive and neither me, DH or my friend do.
I am definatly going to be breaking off some friendships as I know I am spoken about behind my back and while it doesn't bother me I know they aren't really good friends.

OP posts:

FourFortyFour · 27/02/2011 13:44

If your husband doesn't mind there is no issue. It is nothing to do with your friend and says more about her than you tbh.

InPraiseOfBacchus · 27/02/2011 14:23

Don't listen to your backward friends. Perhaps they're just jealous that they don't have such nice friendships! It's the 21st Century, and women should be comfortable to do what they please without their husband keeping tabs on them to make double sure he has their reproductive organs all to himself! Glad your DH isn't the type to get worked up about it. Leave the gossips to their own outdated misery.

kaid100 · 27/02/2011 14:32

If your husband objected to the sharing of the bed then that would be fair enough, but unless you are a vicar then for anyone else to object is unreasonable. I might make a good-mannered joke about it if it was one of my friends, but its not something to get on a high horse about.

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