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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to sleep at a male friends house?

61 replies

nonamesavalible · 27/02/2011 12:42

Just finding out the general opinion on here.
I have a male friend I have known 9 years and have always been close with but nothing has have or will ever happend between us as for one Im married and also it would be too good a friendship to ruin.

The only problem is he does live a distance away so when he visits he usually sleeps over on my sofa and same if I visit him, except I end up in his bed (obviously clothed and nothing happens except sleep) as his sofa is too small for me to sleep on comfortably.

My husband is completly fine with this and gets on with my friend as well and doesn't see it an issue, but when I speak to my female friends they says it's not a done thing and I shouldn't do it as it's not fair to DH.

So my question: is it BU to have a close male friend when you are married.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 27/02/2011 14:38

I am going to go against the grain here and say I find it odd.

Lets reverse the situation, and say you were posting about your husband who has a "best friend" who is female. He often goes away to visit her, and sleeps in her bed with her because he "doesnt fit on the sofa".

I wonder what the responses would be.

You must have a very tolerant husband, because not many would find this acceptable, and not many wives would either if the situation were the other way round.

I accept that for many people it is fine, but personally for me, I have male friends, but the only one I share a bed with is my husband. There is something personal about sleeping in a bed together.

ENormaSnob · 27/02/2011 14:48

What squeaky said.

PeterAndreForPM · 27/02/2011 14:57

it's such a studenty thing to do isn't it ?

are you all students ?

I can't imagine this happening among my circle of grown-up family/friends, tbh

Staying over, no problem. Sleeping in the same bed...no, not my husband, not me and nobody else I know (and I know a lot of people)

I agree with squeaky, if the genders were reversed here, I think here would have been a very different response

some people are just too cool to be wholly believable sometimes

I trust my DH but I would not be happy with him sleeping in another womans bed. He does that with me...an intimate thing, it's one of the few things that sets us apart as a "couple"

frgr · 27/02/2011 15:00

but this thread isn't about whether your DHs would be cool with it

OP's happy with the setup, her male friend is happy, she is happy

isn't this more of an issue regarding her uninvolved friends' reactions? and (imho, only, of course) the fact that since it doesn't affect any of them - it's none of their businessess to be passing a judgemental comment on it?

my husband and i could have a Sunday afternoon routine of dressing up like crocodiles and speaking with a Polish accent whilst blasting out Queen on the stereo - if anyone else minds that - really - agree with the poster who said it speaks volumes about the judgemental person, not the OP type person

right, now i'm off to find my Queen CDs.

Original poster
nonamesavalible · 27/02/2011 15:02

I must say it wouldn't bother me in the slightest if the roles were reversed, I trust my DH completly and he does have close female friends but they all live in the same town so it hasn't been an issue.
I think if its completly innocent and you trust your partner it shouldn't be an issue.

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 27/02/2011 15:04

I think mentioning how our own husbands would react to this is key tbh

Op asked for opinions on her friends reactions. I gave my opinion based on my own set-up, as all of us do. I don't see the problem with that.

I am saying that wihin my own framework, I can see why she is getting a Hmm reaction from her friends.

However, from what OP has said, it is more than a Hmm and this is out of order, because yes, it isn't their business is it ?

Nor ours eiher, but let's face it, MN would disappear if people only commented on things that were Grin

frgr · 27/02/2011 15:11

Nor ours eiher, but let's face it, MN would disappear if people only commented on things that were

Well that's true indeed! Grin maybe it's because i grew up in a relatively judgemental family i'm so prone to taking the "butt out it's none of that person's business" stances more or less as a default on these types of AIBU threads Grin

PeterAndreForPM · 27/02/2011 15:12
Grin
NinkyNonker · 27/02/2011 15:48

I am surprised so many people are 'cool' with it to be honest, I stopped wanting to do this around the end of university.

nannyl · 27/02/2011 16:02

I have a very very good male friend. we have been friends since we were 2 years old, and were opposite door neighbours when growing up. One of my best friends throughout my entire life.

Our parents still live opposite each other.

I am 30 he is 31.

If i went to stay with him (he had a 1 bed flat, and before that a 1 bed room in Drs accomodation in the hospital where he worked (he's a doctor) i always slept in his bed, with him. (when in Drs accomodation it was a single bed!)
NOTHING ever happend.... nothing ever would, we are very close friends but thats all... nothing ever has happened. Nothing ever will happen. He would say the same)

In his flat he had a king size bed so plenty of space compare to the single we'd been used to!

I have even stayed in a double bed with him at his parents (the house opposite my dads where i also had a bedroom)

NOTHING would ever happen, and never did.

Have never thought it strange, though i think it has only happened when both single....

However now i am with my dearest OH, (baby on the way, plan to marry one day etc) im not sure if i would. If OH even had a slight problem id be happy to sleep on the floor!

PeterAndreForPM · 27/02/2011 16:08

nannyl, completely agree with your post

except the last bit... I would make him sleep on the floor Smile

nannyl · 27/02/2011 16:15

oh yes...

tbh he is such a gentleman im sure he would insist on sleeping on the floor and id have the bed! Smile

BooyFuckingHoo · 27/02/2011 17:21

my response would be exactly the same if the roles were reversed. you trust your partner or you don't. my EX is in the Navy and was on a ship or in port 90% of the year. the Navy get a bad press for having a girl in every port and that old one that if it happens in a different postcode, it doesn't count. if i hadn't trusted him, i would have been driven to distraction simply by the fact he wasn't sleeping in my bed every night. for all i know he could have been shagging everything that passed him, but i trusted him. as for it being studenty. maybe it is, but OP, her DH and her friend are happy with the situation so whether it is studenty or not, it's not for us to judge if that makes it wrong.

PeterAndreForPM · 27/02/2011 18:06

I didn't judge anything as "wrong"

I said I understood why her friends were going Hmm but I do think they should mind their own beeswax Smile

this wouldn't work in my world, but I really don't care enough to interfere in others, like OP's friends seem to be doing

BooyFuckingHoo · 27/02/2011 18:15

it just seemed as though some posters were sniggering or ridiculing OP for doing something that they haven't done since they were younger.

PeterAndreForPM · 27/02/2011 20:13

"sniggering" "ridiculing" ? no, not from me

but I did say this wouldn't happen in my world

which of course signposts OP to completely discount my opinion, if she so wishes Smile

InPraiseOfBacchus · 28/02/2011 00:15

I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable that people are implying that co-sleeping arrangements end when you graduate from uni. As if anyone doing that must immature/childish/silly/drunk.

I have no problem sleeping on a bed with a good mate. We're a social species. Just because I'm a BIG SERIOUS ADULT doesn't mean I have to carry myself with stern, Edwardian dignity in all manners social.

BristolJim · 28/02/2011 07:20

I guarantee your friend has an enormous stonk-on all night, and regularly fantasizes about your nights together. That's not trolling, just an inescapable biological man fact.

What is weird is that your husband will certainly know this, and seems OK with it. Seems weird to me but to each their own.

CheerfulYank · 28/02/2011 07:52

Actually I think you may be trolling, Bristol.

RunAwayWife · 28/02/2011 08:02

Its nothing to do with anyone except you and your DH

Glitterandglue · 28/02/2011 09:01

It's amusing me to think that if you fall asleep within three feet of someone else then apparently that makes you more likely to...what? Wake up with their cock inside you?

Sleeping in the same bed/tent/patch of floor is a non-issue. If you were to spend the time before bed kissing, then yeah, I could see how that could be one. But this whole idea of, "Oh noes, I cannot be unconscious next to someone who I am not partners with!" is, er, a bit insane.

TL:DR; There's no problems and your friends obviously have some trust issues. Or a complete inability to consider whether social norms are actually important to follow or not.

BooyFuckingHoo · 28/02/2011 09:51

bristoljim, it may be fact that you are incapable of viewing women as useful for anything other than your own sexual gratification but most men employ logic and have female friends because they enjoy their company, conversation, intellect and personalities...much the same reasons as they would have a male as a friend. you are strange...fact.

PeterAndreForPM · 28/02/2011 09:58

was that a particularly lovely wank you had there, Jimbo ? Hmm

cat64 · 28/02/2011 10:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BooyFuckingHoo · 28/02/2011 10:10

cat i have already said that my response would be the same if the roles were reversed. you eitehr trust your partner or you dont.

going by your viewpoint, it would be wrong for OP to share the bed with a female friend too as that is an intimate thing to do and is innapropriate.

is that what you are saying?

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