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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to understand what passive aggressive means?

68 replies

littlebylittle · 26/02/2011 19:52

I see it written all the time but I don't really understand what is meant by the phrase. Guessing once I understand I'll know people who are it sometimes, just hope it's not me!

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 26/02/2011 19:55

It means sarcasm really... rather than saying something outright..

for example..

I sent my mums birthday card a day late, and when I rang her she said "never mind, I can save it till next year if it ever arrives".. and in a grumpy way, not a laughing way..

SchrodingersCatFliesToOz · 26/02/2011 19:56

Apparently I am because I walk away from fights and idiots . Honestly I don't really understand it either. Please enlight us.

ashamedandconfused · 26/02/2011 19:57

sugar coating your pointed remarks, that sort of thing - masking the nastiness in your comments, speaking in a loud voice ABOUT people instead of TO them eg "oh diddums darling did that naughty big boy knock you over" etc

thats how I see the term used any way

TarheelMama · 26/02/2011 19:58

According to Wikipedia:

Passive?aggressive behavior, a personality trait, is passive, sometimes obstructionist resistance to following through with expectations in interpersonal or occupational situations. It is a personality trait marked by a pervasive pattern of negative attitudes and passive, usually disavowed resistance in interpersonal or occupational situations.
It can manifest itself as learned helplessness, procrastination, stubbornness, resentment, sullenness, or deliberate/repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible.[1]

MogadoredMemoo · 26/02/2011 19:58

My ex always use to be really late home from work when I was going out with a friend is one example

SchrodingersCatFliesToOz · 26/02/2011 20:00

Ahh! see I don't do what squeaky and ashamed says but still I am supposed to be passive aggressive. I can be scarcastic though.
If was ashamed said is true all the British I ever met in baby groups will be passive aggressive.

SchrodingersCatFliesToOz · 26/02/2011 20:02

Thanks tarheel I am not then!

cheekeymonkey · 26/02/2011 20:14

Passive aggresive is just a clever way of attacking someone without being shouty or violent. You must have had an incident where you thought someone was being nice and then when you walked away you thought 'hang on a minute?'?

thefirstMrsDeVere · 26/02/2011 20:17

I see it as the sort of person who controls people around them in a manipulative and dishonest way.

Instead of saying what they want or need or mean, they get people to do what they want by other means.

They often accuse others of being bullies when in fact they are the worst bullies of all IMO.

They are the hypochondriac mother who is suddenly ill when you cant drop everything and come round to see her, the friend who says its fine that you cant look after her children all day, every day so she can work - she will just have to give up her job, but dont worry, its not your fault. The MIL who says at family gatherings 'Its wonderful that my DIL doesnt let my grandchildren have sweets off their nanny, I DO understand, I would never put my own pleasure before their health'

Etc etc.

I could be wrong though, but I have always understood this way.

If you want a really good illustration of PA go and have a look at Netmums. Anything that starts 'am I wrong to wean my baby at 3 weeks' or 'I am not racist but...'

cheekeymonkey · 26/02/2011 20:20

Very well put Mrs De Vere

MissySmith · 26/02/2011 20:23

There was someone here the other day,complaining about her DH not liking mugs with a narrow base. She made sure that he was given one....to eat ice-cream out of,because there were no clean bowls. She did a few more things to irritate him ,and then she complained that he was 'controlling'. Classic 'passive/aggressive'behaviour.Who is controlling here then?

SchrodingersCatFliesToOz · 26/02/2011 20:23

Not sure that is what most people think it is though Mrsdevere. even more

MotherF · 26/02/2011 20:31

I get so confused with the PA thing. Was accused of it once and for the life of me could not see it in my post, but then I don't see it in others posts when they are accused either!

I read things at face value, if some says something nice I believe they must mean it, the same as if it is nasty. I cannot see undertones, unless I know the person well and can hear it in their delivery.

Shirleywhirly · 26/02/2011 20:31

People who say, " Oh, my house is always messy, I'd far rather play with the children than clean ".

Or MIL's who say, " I never let my children eat sweets/ watch TV/ have chips " when she's sitting watching your children do precisely those things.

MotherF · 26/02/2011 20:34

Shirley I would say that first one!

As for the second, that is just a MIL telling you off

cheekeymonkey · 26/02/2011 20:34

Yes Shirleywhirly that sounds like attacking you by stealth. Its not always noticed immediately, really nasty

MotherF · 26/02/2011 20:36

Is it really not ok to say my house is messy as I want to play with the lappy?

Catnao · 26/02/2011 20:39

"It's lovely that your children are so FREE and you have so many MORE IMPORTANT things in your life than to read with them all the time...I wish I could be more like you, but Tarquin has WANTED to read for pleasure since birth"

Is that the kind of thing?

Blatherskite · 26/02/2011 20:39

I was passive agressive with DH the other day..

He always leaves his clothes all over the bedroom floor even though he knows I hate it because it looks so messy. I have tried asking him not to, I have tried putting them away for him, I've even tried kicking them down his side of the bed so I can't see them. Yesterday, I picked them all up and washed them.

It's passive agressive because while I didn't shout or argue, I did do something which will have annoyed him. I looked like I was helping when in actual fact, he was annoyed that clothes that he felt were good to wear again (how after being screwed up on the floor I don't know! ) had been washed when they didn't need to be and that when he went to put on his trackie bottoms after work, he couldn't - because they were all in the wash.

I knew it would annoy him but could look all innocent and go "Oh, I thought it was washing because it was on the floor" when he asked.

See - passive but agressive.

I am not particularly proud of myself but do have a nice clean room now Pity it won't last

MotherF · 26/02/2011 20:42

haha! Think I have it now! BK was that last bit PA?

cheekeymonkey · 26/02/2011 20:42

Sounds reasonable Blather, pa yes, could escalate into 'Oh, I'm sorry, as they were on the floor I assumed you wanted them put in the charity bag - oops sorry!'

thefirstMrsDeVere · 26/02/2011 20:48

My favourite 'I do envy women like you. You just dont care what you look like do you?'

My mother when she called me, made a deeply insensitive remark about my late DD and I got rather cross with her 'ok dear, I will put the phone down now and perhaps you could call me when you are in a better mood'

People who are PA are never in the wrong, they are the upset never the upsetter. Regardless of the situation and how blatently rude they have been.

I am not saying that is the absolute definition of a passive agressive personality but it is definately a trait.

MotherF · 26/02/2011 20:48

That to me cheeky is direct sarcasm.

No I still am not getting it am I?

thefirstMrsDeVere · 26/02/2011 20:49

there is a cross over. PA is like cowardly sarcasm

MissySmith · 26/02/2011 20:50

That's just manipulative. Passive/Aggressive is making things look as if you're the poor,downtrodden sod,when you are not.

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