Not to understand what passive aggressive means?

[littlebylittle]

I see it written all the time but I don't really understand what is meant by the phrase. Guessing once I understand I'll know people who are it sometimes, just hope it's not me!

In my mind, I would call someone passive aggressive if they make put-downs that are veiled as compliments, for example "I love your new dress, it's nice to see you in something new for a change", or "I like your hairstyle, there's hope for me having mine done like that if even you can carry it off". Always with a sting in the tail. I remember once coming into a very passive aggressive woman at a baby group who would say very sarcastic put downs but in a way so that everyone else would think it was funny apart from whoever she was saying it too of course.

A "friend" of mine is very PA and competitive about our sons, and makes passive aggressive comments to her son about mine "oooh look X, mini WhiteElephant still drinks from a bottle, you're a big boy now though aren't you, you never have a bottle". I think people that are very passive aggressive are just totally conditioned like that,maybe their parents were like it, and they just do it automatically. It's also a sign of low self-esteem IMO, putting others down in order to big up themselves. I personally prefer not to spend much time with PA people as I find them draining and you'll never get through to them, plus it's hard not to get sucked into all the competitivity.

Whilst we're on this could someone explain "unreasonable by stealth"...its driving me mad not knowing what is meant!

Its an online form of passive agression

People start and AIBU with a few details. The OP makes them look like they are deeply unresonable.

People come on and in the usual MN way tell em like it is.

OP then comes back on and feeds a bit more info usually involving some sort of illness, disability, bereavement, heroic act, assault, two headed dog etc

This changes the context of the first post and makes the OP look like a victim of horrible posters who are being utterly unsympathetic.

And so it goes....

Linziluv, I think it means being unreasonable but making out they're being reasonable or haven't done anything wrong.

Ah...I get it now! Thanks ! MN is a major learning curve for me!

Lol, me too.....

Thanks White Elephant for " I personally prefer not to spend much time with PA people as I find them draining and you'll never get through to them, plus it's hard not to get sucked into all the competitivity."

Thats how I know my SIL suffers from this.
The horrible journey home when you start thinking "I can't believe she said that when at the time you nodded and smiled and moved the conversation on, fills your brain with what you should have said and will say next time, although there never is a next time because she always moves the goalposts on and it's just so RUDE!!."

Passive aggression for me is when you send an email to the ex-explaining that you have rearranged your working hours so that you can collect your son from school each day and don?t get a reply. Then a week later she phones you up asking to have our son there and then and because you cant puts the phone down!

Love women but some are hard work. :)

Oh, you don't know what passive-aggression is? Oh, well, I guess that's just fine. I guess you can get along not knowing that much about turns of phrase. Honestly, it's not a problem. I mean, lots of people get by not knowing much at all. You do what you want, I guess.

[Not really being a cow, just demonstrating!]

I suppose its ok for some posters to try and be funny. Personally I wouldnt do that as I dont like to upset anyone. Just the way I am I suppose....

TFMDV, I have been officially outdone. bow

(Oops, I mean, "I wish I had the boredom and time on my hands to learn to be that passive aggressive...")

The 'silent treatment' is a good example.

All very helpful. Getting to grips with it now. Although, as usually happens when I read lists of psychological symptoms, I now believe I have or have had many of the passive aggressive traits mentioned - esp procrastination and trying to pass the buck. Is it a spectrum do you think? Or should i give up on myself now???!!!

Passiveaggressivenotes.com!

Thanks, that has been informative.
I am definitely not passive aggressive, but I suspect the person who said I was is.
I don't start fights, I usually don't care what people do or not. Unless it is really against the law or harming somebody else.

A bit worried that DH might be slightly passive aggressive though , but then he is a very nice man.

I wanted to add. I didn't think you could be passive aggressive if you say something. Surely it is an action so not passive. Most of your example are with people saying something sarcastic or mean but indirect so still a bit .

an email from MIL trying to contrive a family gathering ending with the words:

'I think it could be fun but some might think otherwise.'

I understand it now. I used to have a friend that would confuse me, I'd never be sure if she was being nice or insulting, she was PA! God she was a pain