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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to judge this and this - other people's parenting

62 replies

Northernlurker · 26/02/2011 17:13

Just been out collecting dd2 and I saw:

6 young boys at a 'party' at the same place as dd2's friend's party having eaten their crap food they were engaged in what can only be described as a brawl. All over the floor and chairs, impossibly loud screaming and aggression. There didn't seem to be any parent with them Hmm Unless it was the bored looking woman standing nearish. Honestly I would have hit the roof had they been mine.

Secondly youngish couple came out of Tescos with baby in trolley in car seat with an empty bottle rammed in it it's mouth. Baby was 4 months at most. No idea what was wrong with feeding their baby properly and you know engaging with it instead of just pushing it round feeding itself.

Now I am as easygoing as you can get. I adore benign neglect and am very big on making life easy for yourself and not having unreasonable expectations of yourself or your children but WTF? When did it become ok to totally ignore your children when they are a) vile or b) really need you?

Or AIBU (am in foul mood Grin)

OP posts:
belledechocchipcookie · 26/02/2011 17:16

Woman pushing a child (must have been about aged 7) in a wheelchair last week, cigarette in one hand so almost pushed him into a wall, then breathed smoke all over him. You're not BU, I judge aswell.

Original poster
Northernlurker · 26/02/2011 17:27

I hate seeing people with children smoking.

OP posts:
belledechocchipcookie · 26/02/2011 17:29

It was seeing her literally breathe the crap into his face that upset me.

nailak · 26/02/2011 17:30

yabu,

whats it got2do with you, the couple with the baby might have been in a hurry and didnt have the time to stop for whatver reason.

and boys will be boys, some people feel its ok for them tolet off their agression

Drizzela · 26/02/2011 17:32

I knid of get the 'brawl' thing, I would expect a parent to take control of the situation. But what's the issue with the bottle?!

Original poster
Northernlurker · 26/02/2011 17:33

Nailak - fair enough but they didn't appear to be in a hurry and the brawl nearly knocked dd3 off her feet as well as scaring her so I would say that did have something to do with me.

OP posts:
52Girls · 26/02/2011 17:38

Well you should have said something to the boys at the time. It's not particularly unusual behaviour after what has probably been a sugar laden, loud, exciting party at the end of the half term hols (excitement at seeing friends, not too tired from
being at school etc etc..)

firstforthought · 26/02/2011 17:42

if a baby is unable to hold a bottle a parent / carer should do so. HATE to see a bottle propped and I am very laid back... yanbu

Original poster
Northernlurker · 26/02/2011 17:47

Tbh I would have had to seize them by the shoulders and speak right in their faces to attract their attention. As a passer by I don't think that's my role tbh.
The bottle thing - my understanding is that babies should be fed with an adult managing how much is going in, ensuring not too much air and no choking etc and making eye contact with a child and letting them feel physical contact with you. That's why I think propping a bottle up is unacceptable.

OP posts:
toeragsnotriches · 26/02/2011 17:49

OP, YANBU about the brawl. Yes boys have a tendency to be boys but it doesn't mean they should be allowed to be in a crowded public place surrounded by other smaller kids who have as much right to use the space safely as they do to 'let off steam'. Fine, maybe, in a park or whatever. But not in that environment. And I say that with two v bouncy DSs.

We were at soft play the other day and I got a mouthful from some gobby woman about 'speaking to her son like that' after he'd squished a tiny while jumping off the slide. He looked about 7. This was in the under 4s area. She was off having a coffee.

The bottle? Maybe the baby was just having a chew after being fed?

52Girls · 26/02/2011 17:50

I thought you said it did have something to do with you.

SeeJaneKick · 26/02/2011 17:51

YABU judging other parents when all you have seen is one glimpse is crap behaviour.

You have no idea of anyone's circumstances....wha they have to live wth day to day and should not judge

If you judge and point fingers remember that people will do the same.

52Girls · 26/02/2011 17:51

Oh gawd yes, if my boys did that sort of thing we'd be having words!

nailak · 26/02/2011 17:53

yanbu that they did nothing while your kid was getting knocked over

cloudydays · 26/02/2011 17:58

I hate this kind of snide garbage.

If your daughter was almost knocked over by 'brawling' older children, fair enough to be annoyed, but at 52 Girls said, you should have said something to them. Obviously you don't have the same level of responsibility for them as their parents do, but if they were genuinely at risk of hurting each other or other, smaller children in the area, then you were just one more adult who saw what was going on but couldn't be bothered to stop it, weren't you?

And as far as the people with the baby are concerned, yes a bottle should be held and a baby engaged with while feeding. But everything you know about those parents is based on passing encounter on a random day. You don't know how they usually feed the baby or whether they were in a hurry or not, or why. All you do know about them is that they don't 100 % if the time do exactly the right thing as parents.

Unless you can say that that final line is not also true of you, then you are being very, very unreasonable.

ScarlettWalking · 26/02/2011 17:58

YANBU

I always feel so sorry for a baby with a propped bottle stuck in it's mouth. Their parent couldn't put it on hold and feed/ cuddle make eye contact with them for all of, 10 mins tops?

Guitargirl · 26/02/2011 17:58

Maybe the baby is teething and having a chew on an empty bottle, maybe the parents tried to remove it and the baby screamed and they would rather get round a supermarket in relative peace.

I am always amazed by the right that people think they have to judge other people's parenting especially when it's so benign as a baby holding a bottle ffs!

Yesterday, when we were out and about I overheard 2 separate comments re 2-year-old DS in his buggy 'that baby is going to catch his death of cold' and 15 minutes later from someone else 'that baby looks far too hot, it's dangerous to overdress a little one you know'. Can't win can we? Hmm

Original poster
Northernlurker · 26/02/2011 18:12

So who here lets their children (and other people's for who they are directly responsible) roll around on the floor and on and off chairs fighting?
Who here props up their baby's bottle in their mouth when the child is too young to hold it themselves? (I have no issue with older babies who can hold bottles but that was not the case)

OP posts:
BabyDubsEverywhere · 26/02/2011 18:14

My Dnephew wouldnt let any one hold his bottle form about 4 months, theres a million pictures of him holding it himnself with his hands and feet, my sis used to have to put him in his carseat so he was at the right angle for the milk to go in his mouth. He was tiny aswell so probably looked much younger. Funny little bugger Grin

ladysybil · 26/02/2011 18:15

my only issue with thte bottle would be the fact that baby was being bottle fed in the first place, rather than breastfed. othwerwise, whats wrong? theyre multitasking quite well i think.

Meglet · 26/02/2011 18:19

I judge bottle propping, isn't it way up on the list of things you really shouldn't ever do because it's actually quite dangerous? Better a baby cries while the parent finishes off whatever they're doing and get to somewhere they can feed properly.

Guitargirl · 26/02/2011 18:22

My DCs didn't have a bottle propped up because they didn't have a bottle full-stop. But, honestly, the idea of judging another parent for that would never even cross my mind.

I know that I have been judged and heard people pass comments on so many (what I would consider to be totally harmless) things.

I don't have the energy for that sort of thing anymore. Am too busy trying to cope with 2 small children, a full-time job and study.

None of us are perfect are we?

CBear6 · 26/02/2011 18:24

But then isn't that judging someone for their method of feeding? Breastmilk might be best but the act of breastfeeding may not be best for that family, there are a multitude of reasons why that might be - medical, personal, and social. And who is to say that the bottle didn't contain expressed breastmilk? You just don't know.

I think there's so much pressure on parents these days to be "perfect" when ultimately it should be a matter of doing what is right for you and your child - so long as it's not harmful then no one has any right to say it's wrong, it's about doing the best you can with the choices and resources available to you.

Iggly · 26/02/2011 18:27

Yanbu. We all judge whether we admit it or not Grin

nancydrewfoundaclue · 26/02/2011 18:30

Oh I judge. I judge all the time. I don't often actually think "what a crap parent" but I do think "what crap behaviour" - it is after all only a snippet of a day and I am sure I am equally judged.