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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

not to put myself out to help?

55 replies

amibeingacow · 26/02/2011 16:40

I'm a regular but have namechanged because some friends in RL know my posting name.

A friend/acquaintance of mine has emailed asking if I can help look after her children next week because she has to go into hospital and her dp doesn't get home from work until late.

I could juggle things around to help but I'm up against it for work deadlines (would have to take time off work at v short notice) and I'd have to see if the childminder could do (and pay for) an extra hour and a half at the end of the day because dd's normal pick up time is right in the middle of when I'd be needed and it's across town so would take me 20 mins at least to get there.

I have said sorry but no I can't help but I'm feeling really guilty. I'm trying to justify my position because i suspect her dp could take the time off work but I still feel mean

AIBU?

OP posts:

Flisspaps · 26/02/2011 16:41

YANBU by any stretch of the imagination. Can she not get her children in to a CM for the week?

belledechocchipcookie · 26/02/2011 16:42

I'd offer to help her to be honest, it sounds like she's in the shit, especially as she's going into hospital. Her dp should be pulling his finger out though, he's allowed time off work for this. Have you suggested this to her?

mmsmum · 26/02/2011 16:43

She sent an e-mail?! Really that's poor, she should have phoned at least.

YANBU If you would have had to take time off and get extra childcare cover then it was too much and you are right to say no.

Original poster

amibeingacow · 26/02/2011 16:44

Sorry I wasn't very clear. It's just for 3 and half hours one afternoon/evening

OP posts:

ladysybil · 26/02/2011 16:44

for a random friend, if it meant that much toruble, then i wouldnt.
for a sister, or very close friend, where i knew it would be reciprocated, I would juggle everything. it depends entirely on your relationship with her.

alicet · 26/02/2011 16:46

If you would have had to take time of and get extra childcare to help then YANBU - why can't her dp do this instead?

If you were sat painting your nails, or if it made no difference then it would be nice to help but her dp should be pitching in here imho

AMumInScotland · 26/02/2011 16:46

YANBU - you would have to take time off work and pay out money. Instead of her DP taking time off work and/or them paying money. So you're no more available to do it than he is.

Original poster

amibeingacow · 26/02/2011 16:47

Belle I did suggest her dp takes leave but she's not said why he can't take it when she replied. She did say she's still not found anyone. Not in a passive agressive way either. Just factual.

OP posts:

belledechocchipcookie · 26/02/2011 16:49

I'd do it as it's just one day. Sorry.

sevendwarves · 26/02/2011 16:50

I agree with alicet, don't offer if it means putting yourself out too much. Aren't employers legally meant to allow a certain amount of time off for this sort of thing when you have young children? Surely she must have got the hospital appointment with enough notice for her dp to get the day off anyway?

Original poster

amibeingacow · 26/02/2011 16:57

Our relationship: I know her from mum and baby group. We're friendly and I think she'd like us to be closer friends. I like her but we're definitely not close.

OP posts:

purepurple · 26/02/2011 17:01

YANBU
I would do this for a relative or a close friend. But not for someone who I didn't know very well. I am wondering why her DH can't have the day off or finish early.

diddl · 26/02/2011 17:03

TBH, if her husband can´t/won´t take the time off, why on earth does she think you can/should?

I assume she has looked into using a CM?

Original poster

amibeingacow · 26/02/2011 17:03

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I think I feel guilty because I would usually help out but just feel up against it.

Feel a bit better the majority say nbu. Even if Belle is saying what's in my head!

OP posts:

sevendwarves · 26/02/2011 17:04

Definately don't put yourself out if you're not very close. I might try to re-organise for a very close friend, but only if it was possible. Do you know what the appointment is for(without giving too much away)? If it isn't that important she should reschedule for a time when her DP is available.

Does she have any family nearby? I'm lucky that my mum lives nearby and is usually happy to help me out, if not I'd probably be really stuck sometimes!

AMumInScotland · 26/02/2011 17:07

Do you trust her to some extent? How about replying to say "Look if you're stuck I can do it, but it means me taking time off work at short notice and paying the childminder extra to cover. Are you really stuck?"

If she still says yes, she's either genuine, or is a total chancer with a lot of neck, but if she just thinks its easier for you to do it than her DP then she may think again.

Original poster

amibeingacow · 26/02/2011 17:08

Yes I know what the apt is for. Can't really say without giving away too much but suffice to say it's a minor op. I don't know how long she's known about it.

No family nearby.

OP posts:

happymandy · 26/02/2011 17:08

Hi you should not feel guilty do whats right for you I know its hard and you will feel guilty Its not a bad thing saying no or even sorry you have your own family to think of and life is hard like this somethimes good luck with it and chin up and this does not make you a bad person.

LoveBeingAKnockedUp · 26/02/2011 17:10

It sounds like you'd be put out more than her dp would be, don't feel bad.

Original poster

amibeingacow · 26/02/2011 17:12

I don't think she's a chancer . I think her dp is self-employed and has trouble getting work so doesn't feel he can take time off but I'm speculating. I doubt she even knows how busy I really am so I don't blame her for asking but I do feel a bit uncomfortable about saying no when I could help at massive personal inconvenience.

OP posts:

Original poster

amibeingacow · 26/02/2011 17:58

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I will stop over-thinking it now and get on with doing some work (making the most of dp and dd being out to catch up).

And thank you all for such a polite aibu thread. Pleased it didn't descend into a bunfight

OP posts:

sausagerollmodel · 26/02/2011 18:11

How close a afriend is she? Could anyone else do it? Those are the questions you should ask.
I would put myself out for a family member or friend. It is a hospital appointment, its not as if she is going out on the razzle!

NinkyNonker · 26/02/2011 18:20

If only for 3.5 hrs I would.

Sequins · 26/02/2011 18:30

Do you live near each other and do your children get on well? If so, you could suggest she asks your childminder if she could find extra space to take them for the day (for pay, obviously)? Then if needed you could take all of them home with you together until your friend's dp can fetch them?

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 26/02/2011 18:35

YANBU You have deadlines, would have to take time off at short notice and pay the childminder extra. Her dp can do it.

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