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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to put myself out to help?

55 replies

amibeingacow · 26/02/2011 16:40

I'm a regular but have namechanged because some friends in RL know my posting name.

A friend/acquaintance of mine has emailed asking if I can help look after her children next week because she has to go into hospital and her dp doesn't get home from work until late.

I could juggle things around to help but I'm up against it for work deadlines (would have to take time off work at v short notice) and I'd have to see if the childminder could do (and pay for) an extra hour and a half at the end of the day because dd's normal pick up time is right in the middle of when I'd be needed and it's across town so would take me 20 mins at least to get there.

I have said sorry but no I can't help but I'm feeling really guilty. I'm trying to justify my position because i suspect her dp could take the time off work but I still feel mean Sad

AIBU?

OP posts:
agnethafaltskog · 26/02/2011 18:37

Oh for heaven's sake help the woman out.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 26/02/2011 18:43

You shouldn't have to move your life around and make changes for something her DP should be doing.

It's one thing if it's no big deal and easy for you to do, but you shouldn't be rearranging your life when he should be sorting it out.

Sequins · 26/02/2011 18:53

I don't get why the dp isn't taking the day off work, it's a minor op, presumably they knew it was coming up, sound like he is not a very helpful partner at all.

If the childminder idea doesn't work out, there are also such helpful people as emergency nannies, if your friend (or her d blooming p) could call a local agency to book.

Sequins · 26/02/2011 18:55

Only thing is, do you owe this friend favours in any way, has she looked after your child(ren) for you before at short notice and great inconvenience?

bronze · 26/02/2011 18:57

Is her dh an arse?
Would he still refuse and her end up not being able to have the op?
its easy to say he should take the time off but some men are knobs are she might not be able to force him

Sequins · 26/02/2011 19:10

Sounds like an arse, doesn't he bronze?

solooovely · 26/02/2011 19:13

Don't feel bad. It sounds like you would have helped if you could but it would be really tricky for you. It's a shame her husband can't take time off work but then neither can you with deadlines coming up.

Did you tell her the reason why?

eileenslightlytotheleft · 26/02/2011 19:19

Sounds like you genuinely can't help to me. Just email her your CM's number and suggests she contacts her to see if she can take her DD.

ScramVonChubby · 26/02/2011 19:24

If he's self employed it's not as 'simple' as employed (no rights there, DH is and if he doesn;t do he's not paid). Very deliberately typed simple in '' becuase it rarely is in RL I know.

Hospital appt? yes I probably would but i'd ask her for the CM money and am always getting myself into a struggle with deadlines like this.

Jellykat · 26/02/2011 19:30

Oh i would,it's not for long .. you never know when you might need a bit of help.

trixymalixy · 26/02/2011 19:35

Have you explained to her why not?

Perhaps if you explain to her your reasons but say you will do it if she really really can't find anyone else?

fivegomadindorset · 26/02/2011 19:43

As he DP is self employed then yes I would help her out.

diddl · 26/02/2011 19:46

Is there really no one else from the group she could ask?

Or someone how could help you to do it, OP?

TypoRiddled · 26/02/2011 20:09

It sounds like a huge juggle for you. I think it's a lot to ask of you.
But this is exactly why some of us don't have anybody we can ask to mind our kids, why that thread was on the other day about taking toddlers to dental and counselling appointments.

I've never heard of a childminder who would take a child for a such a limited period, I have heard CMs say it's simply not worth the paperwork to do such a thing.

So I suspect it would be an extremely kind thing of you to help out. Good Karma and all that.

Original poster
amibeingacow · 26/02/2011 20:14

Just to answer a few questions there is no chance my cm can take the dc. She is full and one of the dc is a small baby. I doubt they could afford to pay the cm any way. I get the distinct impression money is very tight, hence my speculation that the dp might not be able to turn down work.

I have helped her out once before when youngest was born and she was very poorly. I took time off work and looked after her dc when my dd was at cm. I did not ask or expect any money for this although it did cost me in childcare and I lost time at work. I helped out, and was happy to, because she was in real need and I could. This time I can't really afford the time or money. I can only work when I have childcare and I only have it 2.5 days a week. Had it been a day where I had to look after my dd any way then I would have helped out because I could take her with me and I can't get any work done with dd around.

I don't think her dp is an arse but I've not met him.

Those who asked about our relationship I've clarified further up the thread but we're not close and I only know her from mum and baby group. There is no bound between her dc and mine.

OP posts:
Original poster
amibeingacow · 26/02/2011 20:19

Forgot to add there is about zero chance of her reciprocating any help. But I don't think that's much of a reason not to help. I mean if we only did things because we got something out of it then IMO that's a bit shallow.

OP posts:
TypoRiddled · 26/02/2011 20:21

Sounds like you've already done a lot.
Did you suggest anybody else she could ask? That might mitigate your guilt.

Original poster
amibeingacow · 26/02/2011 20:25

I did suggest someone else, trying a sitter agency and her dp.

OP posts:
gillybean2 · 26/02/2011 20:25

She sounds like she doesn't have many options. I think you need to explain to her that you have a very tight deadline at work, that you would have to take time off AND pay your CM more and that realistically you can't do it all which is why you've had to say no this time.
When she sees why I think she'll be able to kick her DH into touch and show him that actually it's massively more inconvienient for you then it is for him.

Also how old are the children? Do they require picking up from school or will they already be at home?
If there is no school pick up issue and they'll already be at home could she try sitters. Their website says "we can also provide a short term or temporary nanny service. Many of our experienced childcarers are available during the day and can provide daycare for your children when required - even at short notice"
www.sitters.co.uk/
It's not cheap so if they look at that possibility they may decide that it's more cost effective for her DH to take time off instead.
Suggesting it to her as an option may help her realise you are trying to do your best for her, even though you can't help her yourself this time.

ifeellove · 26/02/2011 20:31

I'd do it. I would never ask a sort of mate for help unless I really needed it so would reckon that if someone is asking for help then they really need it. Does sound like it is going to put you out though so I wouldn't feel bad if you decide to say no.

methodsandmaterials · 26/02/2011 20:35

I would do it.
Even it would be a massive pain, plus a possible additional expense, I don't think I'd sleep well knowing that I didn't help. I think that the fact that she approached you without you both being close might mean that she's desperate and has nowhere else to turn.
I don't mean to make you feel bad, despite how this post might read. Is there any small way in which you can help?

gillybean2 · 26/02/2011 20:43

I know she must be desperate, but you put yourself out for her once before at financial cost to your family, and you've said you don't expect she would ever resiprocate.
I think there's a fine line here between helping someone who needs it and being taken as a mug who will bend over backwards but gets nothing back in return ever.

If there was any chance she would help you out in the same situation that would be different. But you've said she hasn't and you don't think she would.

I used to be that mug for my own sister. I don't do it any more. It build up way too much resentment and bad feeling. Don't feel bad. You helped her once before and she's not even a close friend. You've done more than enough for this acquaintance.

rookiemater · 26/02/2011 20:44

If you haven't met her DP then presumably it's not a very close friendship.

If it were me I'd email back and explain the child care issues and the costs involved, say it may be better for someone else to help out on this occasion and wish her well for the operation.

If she is able to russle up an alternative then I'm sure she will, agree with the others that her DP should be able to provide some support.My DH is self employed but if he knew I was having to scramble around trying to find childcare he would take time off.

You sound like a nice person but you don't have to say yes to every request

privategodfrey · 26/02/2011 20:52

I think that the fact that she approached you without you both being close might mean that she's desperate and has nowhere else to turn

Or maybe she thought that as the OP was so very accommodating before then she would do it again?

As you have already helped out in the past I think YANBU to say no on this occasion for all the reasons you have mentioned.

Original poster
amibeingacow · 27/02/2011 12:17

Just had a text to say she's found someone else to do it. Phew!

Thanks to everyone for all your suggestions and comments Smile

OP posts:
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