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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should a partner pay towards a babysitter?

74 replies

SueTheSwan · 26/02/2011 10:58

I think I've lost the plot. I separated last year and have a new partner who all but lives with me. Sometimes - ie today - we go out for a meal with friends. For the first time today I asked if he might contribute to the cost of the babysitter. He said resolutely NO. The children are not his responsibility. I agree and obviously when I work childcare costs are fully my responsibility. But - if we are to go out at weekends, would it not be reasonable to expect him to contribute.

If I'm being mean and asking too much of him - please say. Just keen to know what others think. We've been together now for about 6 months and although he still has his own place he hasn't spent a night there for the past three months.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 26/02/2011 11:06

You are not being mean, but there are more underlying concerns here, he has already stated the children are not his responsibility, what does that mean for your future, that if you live together he won't contribute to the household costs because there are X of you and only one of him.

If he is practically living with is he helping with costs i.e food? Of is he taking the piss?

He should contribute to the babysitting or you would not be able to go out.

Does he pay for the meal? He should in full, he is staying at yours rent free by the sounds of it.

Flisspaps · 26/02/2011 11:07

Does he contribute anything towards food/bills etc?

BluddyMoFo · 26/02/2011 11:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 26/02/2011 11:08

get rid of him

BuzzLiteBeer · 26/02/2011 11:08

The term cocklodger springs to mind.

worldgonemad72 · 26/02/2011 11:08

It sounds like your living together anyway, does he contribute towards other bills? does he pay your share when going out? i think he should help out with babysitting costs on a weekend, if not then dont go out, say you cant afford the cost of a night out plus the babysitting bill.

pigletmania · 26/02/2011 11:10

Its still early in the relationship, get rid of him now. Is he going to take that attitude towards your children once the relationship develops? You come as a package, he cant have one without the other, time to get rid then if he sees it that way.

C0FFEE · 26/02/2011 11:12

i am rubbish at relationships, never lived with anyone, but I would not have asked.

However if your looking at a long term relationship I would worry about his attitude to your children

Does he contribute to other things like electricity as he should.

squeakytoy · 26/02/2011 11:17

I would be worrying here for the future you may have together.

He clearly doesnt see himself as part of the family.

No, the children are not his responsibility, but the outright "no" response would worry me.

If I have gone out with a mate, and she was struggling to pay a babysitter, I would happily offer to pay the babysitter for her if it meant she could go out. I would have expected in a relationship that a partner would be happy to help out in the same way.

I would now say "oh well, I cant really afford to go out, so we will have to stay in" and see what happens..

AuntiePickleBottom · 26/02/2011 11:19

yes he should help

ljgibbs · 26/02/2011 11:19

Red flags are waving. Get rid of the fucker.

OTheHugeManatee · 26/02/2011 11:23

So he practically lives at your house, but the children are entirely your rsponsibility?

I bet he doesn't chip in for food or utilities either.

What a tosser.

pigletmania · 26/02/2011 11:24

Ok fair enough its still early in the relationship and you are getting to know one another, and yes in the short term its your responsibility to find childcare, but his attitude towards your children, and the way he sees them could have long term implications. I would get out whilst its still fresh and you dont get bogged down later on.

Flisspaps · 26/02/2011 11:25

See, after 6 months I wouldn't expect a partner to pay for a babysitter for my child.

I would however expect them to chip in for bills and food if they were effectively living with me, otherwise they'd be packed back off to their own home sharpish.

niceday · 26/02/2011 11:31

Agree with all above. This attitude is not worth your time long term.

eden263 · 26/02/2011 11:35

Oooh, big alarm bells ringing. YANBU, if he is effectively now part of your household, then babysitting for a night out for both of you is part of the general household expenses, so why shouldn't he contribute? But I presume you are paying all the household expenses anyway as it's your house.

His attitude towards your children is appalling. If he moved in with you officially, I think the state would see your children as being his responsibility, financially at least, as any claims for WTC etc would be joint and the number of children in the home would be taken into account regardless of whose they were. That's what happened with me, at least.

But you and the children come as a package. I would be very careful of where you go with this relationship. I'm not saying dump him necessarily, but it's time for him to move back out and you two to lead more independent lives rather than him sponging off you but not giving anything in return.

BertieBasset · 26/02/2011 11:36

Agree it also depends on what he is paying for at the moment. My friend is living with her dp and she pays all the bills because the kids are her responsibiilty and it isn't fair for him to pay, when her 2 kids use up so much heat and food etc

Needless to say that was his argument and it looks like after 2 years she has finally had enough.

To me if you get together with someone who has kids then when you are in an established relationship they are both your responsibility. I don't see how else it can work long term.

worraliberty · 26/02/2011 11:37

Apart from the obvious worry that he hasn't gone home for 3 months and still sees your family as nothing to do with him, what a tight bastard!

LisaD1 · 26/02/2011 11:37

I wouldn't be asking him to help with babysitting costs at this stage but I would certainly expect him to be contributing towards all household costs.

However, his reaction re you child would make me wary for the long term. DD1 is not my DH's child but he has NEVER acted like she was only my responsibility from the moment he met her, he has always treated her as part and parcel of everything we do, we've been together 7 years now, we would not still be together if he hadn't been interested in being part of our family.

Pancakeflipper · 26/02/2011 11:43

I would say you are being unreasonable, only 6 months in and they are your kids BUT he's staying at yours all the time? If he's contributing to other stuff around the home ( either with monies for food/bills cleaning, cooking) then he is contributing in other ways so does it matter?

But if not - well he's got it made then doesn't he?

mamatomany · 26/02/2011 11:45

If he's not been home in three months I hope you are claiming tax credits as a couple because they will see the children as very much part of both your financial responsibility and make deductions accordingly.
Just for your information, my DH bought my daughter a complete new outfit, a bucket and spade and a stage 2 car seat (£££££'s) for our 2nd date to the sea side because he'd surprised me and I didn't have a cossie for her to wear and he wanted her to have the shorts and tshirts and hat to match.

foxytocin · 26/02/2011 11:47

If this is what he is like now. Imagine what he'll be like in 3 yrs time. Get rid. Life is too short.

Vallhala · 26/02/2011 11:49

I wouldn't dream of asking a boyfriend to pay towards childcare costs for my children so that I could gp out for lunch. I find it strange that anyone would, any more than if, say, you usually cared for an elderly parent rather than a child. A partner who had by mutual agreement moved into my house permanently, yes, but not a boyfriend of 6 months who was just given to staying at my house without any agreement about permanency. To me it would be presumptuous, rude and pushing boundaries of good manners too far.

However if he had been living in my house for three months I would by now expect him to be contributing to the running of it voluntarily and out of courtesy, be that by buying food shopping, paying for meals and dates out, offering to pay the next big household bill which came in or by offering a set sum.

Rather than getting rid of the "cocklodger" as some suggest, I'd be asking him some direct questions as to where the relationship was going and whether we were between us going to decide that he moved in permanently with all that entails or whether he was going to return to his own house and to the status of occasional date/boyfriend.

Georgimama · 26/02/2011 11:50

I don't think it should come down to being as specific as "the babysitter costs £20, I pay £10 you pay £10" but if he has effectively been living in your house for the last 3 months he should be contributing to general household expenses, and babysitting so you can go out should come out of that. So his tenner should already be in the kitty IFYSWIM.

(This is the part where the OP comes back and says he doesn't actually have a job so he needs to stay with her, but he's so lovely to her, treats her like a Queen, the sex is marvellous etc etc. Yeah. Right.)

squeakytoy · 26/02/2011 11:51

What happens if you have a child with this man. Will it be a case of "that ones mine, bugger the others they are nothing to do with me"..

Because that is where this sort of attitude leads to..

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