Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Should a partner pay towards a babysitter?

74 replies

SueTheSwan · 26/02/2011 10:58

I think I've lost the plot. I separated last year and have a new partner who all but lives with me. Sometimes - ie today - we go out for a meal with friends. For the first time today I asked if he might contribute to the cost of the babysitter. He said resolutely NO. The children are not his responsibility. I agree and obviously when I work childcare costs are fully my responsibility. But - if we are to go out at weekends, would it not be reasonable to expect him to contribute.

If I'm being mean and asking too much of him - please say. Just keen to know what others think. We've been together now for about 6 months and although he still has his own place he hasn't spent a night there for the past three months.

OP posts:

ENormaSnob · 26/02/2011 15:54

Presuming the dp also pays gas and electric and other bills at his house. Is he aware you seem to consider him residing with you? Have you informed tax credits, council tax etc?

I'm sorry op but after 6 months this is a boyfriend not a partner. I find it farcical to move someone in so quickly let alone start asking them to pay towards childcare.

Where is the dcs father? Why can't he have them or contribute to the babysitter if you are going out?

TheSecondComing · 26/02/2011 16:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fedupofnamechanging · 26/02/2011 16:05

My way of thinking is that when you become involved with someone who has children, you should treat those children as if they were your own. If you can't manage that, then you've no business getting involved with a family. A woman or man with kids is part of a unit and it's all or nothing for me.

I think OP, that you should ask him to go home until you've dated for longer and discussed and agreed where you both see this relationship going. when you have DC to consider, you can't just fall into things without considering all the consequences.

My initial reaction to this though, is that your new man is tight. He is with you, you needed some money to pay the babysitter, he should have done it without giving the matter a second thought because he is involved with a family, not a single woman.

Someone mentioned earlier what would happen if you had a baby with this man. You owe it to your DC to put them first and find a partner who will love and value them, not view them as something to be put up with.

Original poster

SueTheSwan · 26/02/2011 16:54

Wasn't here cos I was out at the lunch in question. You've all asked some very good questions and given me a good solid challenge. In same ways it may be expecting too much and I think it isn't the money per se that I'm bothered about, it's more the attitude. He says that all childcare expenses are the children's father's responsibility. I have an agreement with ex but of course that doesn't cover a sitter to go out! I am hurt that he so loudly voiced the view that they are not his kids, not his responsibility etc. If he had kids, or parents that needed help, or something if it were his responsibility I would view it as my responsibility too. Maybe I'm soft. The children's father doesn't help much as he ran off with a lover and he's still very much engrossed in that.

OP posts:

pigletmania · 26/02/2011 17:07

Well Sue you come as a package, and that attitude would really put me off a relationship with him. What if you were ill, or had to do something so he would not help out with the kids because they are not his . Tbh you moved to quickly without getting to know him first, I would tell him to move out tbh and start dating again so that you get to know him better, if not than off he goes.

pigletmania · 26/02/2011 17:08

A man who does not give a toss about my kids, and not help out is not the right bloke for me.

mayorquimby · 26/02/2011 17:16

TBF It just sounds like you have different expectations. I don't think he deserves the kicking some people were looking to give him earlier on. I wouldn't consider the children of a woman I was seeing to be my responsibility after only 6 months. While it's obvious that single parents come as a package to me that wouldn't mean that the children would become my responsibility by default and especially not because their father is a bit of a flake.
It would more mean that I'd have to accept that the considerations of the children will sometimes come before my own and that plans etc would have to be made with the children in mind. You say you werre taken aback by his clear response that the kids were not his responsibility, but perhaps this frankness was borne from his realisation that you were trying to place this responsibility on him unilaterally.
You need to have a conversation with him and both be up front. If you expect him to shoulder a responsibility for your children after 6 months then it should be done with his agreement not by your appointment. He may very well feel that such a responsibility is not appropriate at this time in the relationship or that you are moving things too quickly, which would be perfectly reasonable of him.

foxytocin · 26/02/2011 17:18

Sue, it is not too late to tell him to move into his place full time again and no sleep overs till you two sort out where you want to go with this relationship.

Your kids don't need to be made to feel second to his feelings and in the future, this attitude will turn up in lots of other issues. It will undermine their self esteem.

eden263 · 26/02/2011 17:49

"He says that all childcare expenses are the children's father's responsibility."

Why? Why should their father pay for the children to be looked after while you go to work and especially why should he be expected to pay for a babysitter so that you and your new bloke can go out for lunch?? OK, so your ex is no saint, but that's a bit much! Your ex's responsibility is to provide for his children, not to facilitate you and your new man's social life!!

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 26/02/2011 18:11

OP - you haven't answered whether he is contributing to the running costs of your household considering that he hasn't spent a night away from it in 3 months.

Childcare should be your cost btw, if you need it to work.

fedupofnamechanging · 26/02/2011 18:49

She only asked him to pay the babysitter, not stump up university fees! I think his huge overreaction does not bode well. Iron this out sooner rather than later OP, for your children's sakes.

LadyOfTheManor · 26/02/2011 18:52

I don't think he should have to pay for childcare for children that aren't his.

Does your ex p contribute? Or have the odd weekend?

pigletmania · 26/02/2011 18:53

Ok it might be early days yet, but not enought for him to move in eh. I agree its not the dcs fathers job to give money to help his expartners social life and thats what it is! Its his attitude towards the children, what if they have their own children together, is the man going to make it overtly clear who he favours the most. You have to find out now while things are relatively new, so its not too late to move on.

DerangedSibyl · 26/02/2011 19:29

the ex also has a responsibility to shoulder some of the responsibility of his children, and if he's being so flaky that he's not spending time with the children and allowing their mother a social life, then HE SHOULD stump up for babysitting money.

You don't divorce your children, you only divorce your partner.

Why the hell should the OP not have any time off? Why shouldn't the father pay toards childcare, Eden, especially while the OP works? Why?

Having a dick doesn't entitle you to walk out on your children and play Disney Dad forever more. No wonder so many absent parents or feckless twats if this is all that is demanded of them./

HecateQueenOfWitches · 26/02/2011 19:50

If he was just your boyfriend and you were just dating, then I feel he would have no financial responsibility towards your children.

But if he has practically moved in, then he's not just dating you, he has joined your family.

you need to know very clearly how he feels about 'taking on' another man's child and you need to know why he has - to all intents and purposes - moved in if he does not want to be part of a family.

he may feel that your children should never get a penny from him or help or support etc, because they're your problem responsibility. In which case, he has no business being involved with a woman who has children. Or he may feel that he would only have any responsibility if you and he married and he was their Step-father.

If you live with someone who has children, then you have a responsibility to those children. It is a 'package', and if you can't or won't do that, then you shouldn't be in that relationship.

OP - you need to find out how he feels about your children. If he sees himself being a step-father to them, what he thinks his responsibility is, if anything, while he is living with you.

I really think you should step back and take a good long look at this relationship.

He may even resent your children. It happens. If that's the case, do you want to be with him?

foreverondiet · 26/02/2011 20:25

I am surprised by some of the responses.

I don't really understand why the boyfriend should pay for the babysitting for the OP's children however, if the OP is happy to stay in and get a take-away / watch TV but the boyfriend wants to go out then it was reasonable to ask. I think also it depends on how much the new boyfriend earns, but he should understand that evenings out are expensive for the OP.

IMO the children's father should do some of the babysitting....

HecateQueenOfWitches · 26/02/2011 20:31

I think it's because he's not a boyfriend, but is actually living there.

I think that once you are living with someone, then you should share costs. and not say well, these kids aren't mine so I'm not contributing.

if they were living seperately, and he came over on a saturday night to take her to the pictures, then that'd be different.

Ephiny · 26/02/2011 20:41

I think if the babysitter is a necessity for the two of you to go out (presumably he wouldn't go out on his own without you so he needs the babysitter just as much as you do) then it's reasonable to split the cost. Especially if you're practically living together as a shared household/family.

Though having said that, it's quite a short relationship for you to be effectively living together, especially as you have a child. I wouldn't blame him if he didn't want to make a committment to 'being a family' and all that entails just yet.

I think maybe you need to have a talk about how you each see the relationship and where you see it going in the longer-term future.

controlpantsandgladrags · 26/02/2011 20:52

I can't get past the fact that you split with a partner, and then moved a new one in after being together 3 months when there are children involved. I don't know how old your children are, but that's an awful lot to cope with.

His attitude towards your children being your responsibility despite the fact he lives with them is worrying frankly.

ashamedandconfused · 26/02/2011 20:54

I see it like this - YOU are a couple, the couple wants to go out, the kids need minding - JOINT responsibility for finding/funding sitter, or you stay in instead, or the kids go too

however, if he pays for all your dates, then you are being silly to ask about paying for sitter

he should be paying towards other household expenses though, and helping with chores too

i also agree that you have rushed into this - you need to know someone a whole lot better and have them get to know your kids a whole lot better beofre they move in

what happens on the day you have a hair appointment/dentist apointment - does he EVER mind the kids, pick them up from school?

Does he buy them little treats EVER, get them christmas presents?

doesn't seem like hes in this for the long term, sorry, i think you are being used - and you are allowing yourself to BE used

solooovely · 26/02/2011 20:58

I think you should send him home, carry on dating (if you want) but the relationship is obviously still way too young for him to be living with you. You don't know him well enough or understand each others expectations enough for him to be living with you.

ps. I think if he says he won't pay for a babysitter then say he will have to pay for dinner as after the babysitter you have no money left. Also, Does he really think your ex should pay for babysitters so that he can go out with you?!

justcarrots29 · 26/02/2011 21:08

IF he wanted you to come out and spend time with him then you wouldn't have to ask him to help contribute. He would already be saying things along the lines of 'I know you have childcare to pay so I will pay for lunch" etc. The fact that he is not saying this makes me think he is using you. Sorry. Try and do better for yourself - you deserve it.

nancydrewfoundaclue · 26/02/2011 21:13

If you are living together then you are a family unit and as such he should have some financial responsibility for the household which would naturally include paying for a babysitter for children that are not his when you decide to go out.

If he was just your boyfriend then the situation would be entirely different although in my world good manners and common decency would mean a contribution to the cost of a babysitter, particularly if you were struggling.

The issue here is that the above two scenarios have collided. This is a man who you have known for 6 short months who has moved in with you, but wants to behave like a boyf. Not on.

Op please come back and tell us

i) who paid for lunch?
ii) how much he has contributed to the running of your household in the past 3mths.

Only then can anyone judge.

HalfPastWine · 26/02/2011 21:49

Georgimama ....love that last line! :)

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread