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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should a partner pay towards a babysitter?

74 replies

SueTheSwan · 26/02/2011 10:58

I think I've lost the plot. I separated last year and have a new partner who all but lives with me. Sometimes - ie today - we go out for a meal with friends. For the first time today I asked if he might contribute to the cost of the babysitter. He said resolutely NO. The children are not his responsibility. I agree and obviously when I work childcare costs are fully my responsibility. But - if we are to go out at weekends, would it not be reasonable to expect him to contribute.

If I'm being mean and asking too much of him - please say. Just keen to know what others think. We've been together now for about 6 months and although he still has his own place he hasn't spent a night there for the past three months.

OP posts:
foxytocin · 26/02/2011 11:56

a boyfriend of six months who has moved in for the last 3, is not a boyfriend anymore. He is a part of the home.

as mamatomany said, the DWP will see him as a legal part of the household by now so he needs to chip in to the cost of childcare just the same, babysitting fee being one of them and childcare being a part of the general running of the household.

so either he is also paying his fare share of utilities, council tax, childcare, food etc, or find the door. The OP has enough children to feed, clothe and pick up after already.

ledkr · 26/02/2011 12:06

The problem as i see it is that it is a problem iyswim.
I met dh 4 yrs ago and he practically moved in soon after (still had own house etc) from what i recall paying for things was never an issue he would naturally help out as he saw fit.eg,if i was looking for babysitting money and he had some in his pocket he would pay or maybe if id paid the taxi on the way home he would too.What i am trying to say is that if 6 months on in the relationship this is a problem,is it really on the right track to start with?

pigletmania · 26/02/2011 12:12

Its not the paying for the babysitter thing, its the attitude. Fast forward a year or two, you fall sick or not well and you need help with the children, so hes going to watch you struggle to look after them whilst not lifting a finger as its 'your responsibility', nice! You have to think of the long term op and not just short term. Its ok for him to feel that way, but he needs a relationship where the person as grown up children or no children at all, this is the wrong one for him with that attitude.

ivykaty44 · 26/02/2011 12:12

In which planet are a parents children not his responsability?

HappyMummyOfOne · 26/02/2011 12:14

It wouldnt have crossed my mind to ask, contributing towards food yes but not childcare.

However, perhaps its going to fast and the responsibility has not yet caught up with him. Its only been 6 months yet he's lived with you as such for three months - very early after just 12 weeks to move somebody in when children are involved. He still obviously sees it as dating whereas you obviously think different by asking him to pay for your children.

Bogeyface · 26/02/2011 12:14

If you cut him in half he would have "Cocklodger" running through him like a stick of rock.

He needs to accept that he is now part of a family, with all the responsibilities that entails, or finds himself another sucker.

Georgimama · 26/02/2011 12:14

They aren't his children ivykate.

worraliberty · 26/02/2011 12:15

I can't believe how quickly some people move their new BFs in after getting together. Does nobody wait anymore? Especially when there are kids in the equation I just think it's odd that no-one seems to date for very long before taking the very serious commitment of living together as a family.

mamatomany · 26/02/2011 12:15

I guess the point is if the OP pays the baby sitter then maybe she can't afford to pay for the meal so he has to pay for that so it's as long as it's short, it would worry me though.

ivykaty44 · 26/02/2011 12:19

Then why should he contribute to there upkeep?

squeakytoy · 26/02/2011 12:19

In which planet are a parents children not his responsability?

when they are somebody elses children :)

onetimeonlyoffer · 26/02/2011 12:22

You definitely need a Chat with him. I don't know if you claim any tax credits or benefits, but in the eyes of DWP/HMRC, the household should be run on joint finances if he is living there, as others have said. You need to work out bills etc from a joint perspective and I think babysitting should form part of that, especially if it's for both of you to go out.

I have a DP who isn't the DC's father and his attitude is similar to ledkr's. In our circs I probably wouldn't have asked him for babysitting money but I knew he'd pick up the bill for the meal, things would always be split like that.

lubeybooby · 26/02/2011 12:22

Even my (really crap and VERY tight fisted) ex used to contribute to babysitting and food and stuff when we were in the same situation... didn't live together and I had my dd who wasn't his.

I agree this is a big red flag - don't ignore it.

squeakytoy · 26/02/2011 12:24

He isnt being asked to pay for their upkeep Ivy.

He wants to go out for a meal, so does the Op. She cant afford to pay for a babysitter, so she asks him for help and he says no.

Fair enough, its his right to say no, of course he is. But it demonstrates to me that he is tight with his money, and is saying no, because they are not his kids. What happens in the future if that is his attitude now? If you are involved with a woman who has children, then your social life includes those children, and a babysitter so that you can go out together (when you live together), should be part of the shared costs of a relationship.

DerangedSibyl · 26/02/2011 12:24

My boyfriend, who doesn't live here, is currently cooking lunch for my children. Right now. While I mumsnet.

And he's not a god, or henpecked, he's just a fair man (I went out and bought it)

hairylights · 26/02/2011 12:29

Some questions before I answer your question, OP.

Are you living together as a family unit or not?

if so:

Do you split the costs of other things?

have you actually talked about how costs are going to be split ie: mortgage/rent, food, bills etc.

If not, then no way should he pay for a babysitter for your child.

ivykaty44 · 26/02/2011 12:29

Well if she can't afford to pay a babysitter she will not be able to go out - therefore will need to decline the invitation of a meal or night out.

mayorquimby · 26/02/2011 12:29

Without knowing if he's making contributions to the rest of the household costs I wouldn't be so quick to brand him a cocklodger just yet.
I'd imagine his reaction was possibly motivated in part by an ignorance of the law and what acceptance of certain financial responsibilities may entail for him as a long term thing. Or the other thing may simply be that as it's so early in the relationship he may simply disagree that he should have to contribute to children that are not his own at the moment. The definitive outright "no" would seem odd but perhaps he was trying to clearly mark the boundaries rather than being tight.
Very hard to know with the amount of information that has been given but lets say we take this board as an anectdotle source. I have seen many threads were people have a wide divergance in what they believe to be the rights regarding common law marriage, the rights of co-habitating couples and even what responsibilities an ex-partner has to children which are not his own. It may be possible that this man shares some of the disinformation that seems to be widely held about such matters and fears that they could become his financial responsibility when at the moment the relationship is in its early stages.
I'm not saying it's how I'd behave, as others have said if it was a mate and they needed a tenner and you had a tenner on you you'd throw it to them, but without further info on the rest of his contributions or at least a semblance of what his reasoning is it may not be as black and white as it first appears.

FourFortyFour · 26/02/2011 12:34

I don't think this is a case of being unreasonable or not. He is living with you, it just hasn't been discussed as such. Forget the issue of bills, etc the fact that he sees the kids as not his responsibility -true- but actually states it in such a way when he could say something is quite worrying.

My advice would be to say you would like him to go back to his own place and you just date rather than live together but he has to accept you have children and there will be times you can't go out as you can't afford a baby sitter. He will see that as a threat or black mail but ignore him.

pigletmania · 26/02/2011 12:36

I agree worrability dosent anyone wait! The relationship is still new and hes moved in already after only 3 monthsHmm. As he has moved using electricity, consuming food every day, he is part of the householdand. His attitude sucks, and op you should have gotten to know him better before having him moving in with you, especially when there are children to factor in too.

ENormaSnob · 26/02/2011 12:44

yabu

I have answered your other thread in relationships.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/02/2011 15:33

Also agrees with worrability... some people seem so desperate to be attached to anybody without really getting to know them. Children should be kept well away until you're both decided where your relationship is going because it's not fair for them to form attachments that aren't sustainable. Hmm

TheSecondComing · 26/02/2011 15:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ENormaSnob · 26/02/2011 15:46

My points exactly tsc.

Where are you op? No reply here or on your other thread Hmm

Georgimama · 26/02/2011 15:48

Oh I think the same as TSC too, I'm just scared to say it on MN anymore after being accused of being "judgy" so many times.

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