to spend my weekends how I choose?

[TobyLerone]

I'll try and keep this short/not too ranty. I'll also try not to take offence if it turns out IABU. Here goes...

The facts:

I work full time.
I am a single parent.
I have a daughter (almost 10) and a son (11).
My children spend every other weekend with their father.
I have a boyfriend of almost a year who doesn't live with us, but with whom the children and I spend most of our free time. He loves my children and they love him.
I have a large family (3 younger-but-adult sisters, one of whom has 2 children [my nephew is 6 and my niece is 1]).

Soooo...

My sister (the one with children) is forever trying to get me to do things at the weekends. When the children are home (her children spend the same weekends with their father as mine do with theirs), I know there'll be a text asking me if I want to go swimming/if my children want to sleep over/if my daughter wants to go shopping with her/if we want to go to the park.

If I say no, because we already have plans, I will invariably get some kind of PA "[her son's name] will be very disappointed. He wanted to see his cousins" text. It will turn into some kind of snipey and increasingly passive-aggressive (from her side) text-fest. Sometimes she'll go so far as prefacing her invitations with "[her son's name] has had a really hard time at school this week and was wondering whether the kids would like to stay over" (or similar). Or she'll ask me in front of him if it's in person. Basically trying to guilt-trip me into it.

On the weekends the children aren't home, she'll invariably text me halfway through a Friday or Saturday afternoon, telling me there's going to be some kind of family dinner/outing to the pub/girls' night out/whatever. I usually make plans with my boyfriend (who also works very long hours) on weekends the children aren't home. These are things like going out to dinner or the cinema, or for a day's shopping, that we can't/don't want to do when the children are home. So we deliberately plan them in advance for when they're not.

When I say no, I already have plans, I get more PA texts, more guilt trips and plenty of snidey "you never do anything with us/you always have other plans" comments. I don't always say no. But friends of mine have noticed it, and know what she's like to the extent where if she texts me in their presence they'll say "Pretend you haven't read it yet!"

I'm not particularly anti-social, but I work all day. I leave the house at 8.30am for the school run, and get back home at 7pm after picking the children up from wherever they are after school. On the weekends the children are home, it's nice to spend them chilling out as a family, doing things together just the 3 or 4 of us. My son, although he is very patient with my nephew, is at an age where he can't help but find him a little irritating sometimes, so although he loves him dearly, he doesn't necessarily want to have a sleepover with him. I don't get to see as much of my children as I would like, and it's nice just to hang out together at weekends.

My sister is a SAHM and is always trying to get out of the house because she finds it difficult to entertain the children. I understand this, but it doesn't mean that I am the same. She is very sociable and likes to be surrounded by people at all times. I like to have peace and quiet sometimes, and to chill out at home because I am so rarely there. She really doesn't seem to understand how I can just enjoy spending a nice quiet weekend at home with the bf and the kids. I think it's her worst nightmare!

I love my sister (and my niece/nephew) very much, of course. My sister would help anyone and is the kind of person who says hello to people in the street because she once met them in a post office queue or a hospital ward. She's helped me out a lot in the past with childcare and the like. She definitely has her faults, which may be another post for another time! But she's lovely.

So, I guess what I'm asking is AIBU to be irritated by the constant PA guilt-tripping when I say no to her?

The funny thing is, peeriebear, that the phrase 'DP' seems to hold more weight here than 'boyfriend'. Boyfriend is seen as short-term, probably transient. 'DP' is seen as 'husband-equivalent'.

I choose not to use the 'DS/DD/DP etc' abbreviations because...well, I don't really have a good reason! I don't particularly like using them, although I don't mind a bit when other people do, either referring to themselves or to me.

It's strange, though...

And 'loon' always makes me laugh

Sparkle, can I have the of whoever's having the ?

You can have my TobyLerone.

Don't you dare try and take my away from me though! :o

The thing about the kids staying over must be maddening.

Having an 11 year old to stay over with his much younger adoring cousin means that your sister is getting help. Sure, she has another child she's responsible for, but overall she has an older child that will entertain her children and give her a bit of a rest.

If you have her children over, you are babysitting them.

It's not a fair swap - it's head's she wins, tails you lose.

Not that it should be a quid pro quo, but it doesn't sound like you see it that way. But for her to insinuate that because she likes to borrow your children to help her out means that you should babysit her children is bonkers.

You are so right, spidookly! That is nail on the head stuff. My daughter in particular is very helpful. She loves to tidy and clean and play with the baby etc. So yes, it's actually easier for her to have mine than not to have them. But my nephew, although I love him so very much, is slightly more of a PITA. He needs actual 'looking after'. And I don't mind that, really I don't. He's a delight. But it is 'work' I wouldn't have to do if he wasn't there.

Gah, I think I'm being mean now!

It seems to me that your sister is finding it very hard being on her own managing her kids on her own. She seems desperate for company and also for a hand with the kids (your kids are obviously more up for relaxed, stay at home weekends being older, where hers are probably driving her mad if she stays home)
Of course that doesnt make it right that she is so passive aggressive about trying to get you to spend some more time with her and if I were you, it would really annoy me as well! BUT I can see why she mught be acting that way if she is so over whelmed by it all and feelng alone.
Does she not have many other friends to hang out with? Are there any people you know with kids a similar age that you think she might get along with that you could introduce her to?

The other thing that strikes me is that she is acting towards you the way that she REALLY wants you to act towards her. ie. she is inviting your children over for play dates and sleepovers when I bet she really really hopes that this is doing you a favour and that you will then return the favour to give her a break.

If like you say that you could take or leave the sleepvers she is offering, and dont actually need the babysitting and really actually would prefer to have your DCs at home with you, then why not counter offer her suggestions of these sleepovers with 'thats a lovely offer but we have plans for a movie night at home tonight that the DCs are looking forward to, why doesnt DN come here instead?'
Then you still get time with your DCs, your sister gets the free time she is craving and you look great as you looking after DN for the night.

'because I would hope that you wouldn't have married some bloke you've only know a matter of months'

What's the prescriptive time period then (not)solooovely, that guarantees a successful relationship?

I got pregnant after I'd only known DH two months

Does that mean I foisted him onto DD1 without checking he wasn't some weirdo?

I await your judgement with baited arsehole...

Tallulah, you're right that I could invite my nephew over to have a sleepover with us (and sometimes do). But as I said in my previous post, he is a little more 'work' than mine. I work full-time and sometimes I'm far too knackered at the weekend to have an overexcited 6 year-old shrieking and jumping around at 11pm on a Friday night, and waking me at 6am because my children are still asleep and he's bored/wants a drink. It sounds a little mean, but I've already done that with mine!

But I do see what you're saying. She actually has more nights 'kid-free' than I do (her ex takes them for at least one night in the week, too). But she's not lonely, by any means. She has a lot of friends, goes to baby groups, has playdates after school etc. She also lives with my mum (long story!) who despite working full-time still babysits for her sometimes. Sometimes it feels to me like she sees her children as inconvenient, and can't see why I don't feel the same.

Also, AgentZigzag, I agree. I see a lot of posts around here where people have met, fallen in love, moved in, got engaged, got pregnant, got married (in various orders) in less than a year. Every relationship is different. As it is, we are discussing living together/marriage for some time in the fairly near future.

Op, my boyfriend of a year was already my fiance by that time, and husband 6 months later. We were living together and talking about buying together 5 months after first getting it on.

:) congratulations. Good to hear success stories!

I have a friend like this - she is married to a complete cock who she hardly sees - she gets bored and lonely and even though I do think a lot of her, I really do - I am beginning to resent how much of my spare time she takes up (I feel guilty just typing that).

The problem is - my 2 are in their teens so I hardly see them at the weekends. DH and I had our children really young so now are just starting to enjoy having child-free weekends where we can go out for lunch, etc without worrying about the kids. Its lovely. But I feel like my friend (and even her sister who I'm friends with)) is taking over that free time. She has 2 dc, one just over a year old, who is challenging to say the least. I think my mate just likes bringing her round here to tire her out (I have a big garden with swings, etc). I wouldn't mind so much but when she's here she's so focused on her LO (understandably I know) that I hardly even have a conversation with her. I just feel like she probably wouldn't even notice if I wasn't here!!

Sometimes her sister tags along with her 2 - so I can have 4 kids in my house running riot and none of them are mine!!

I couldn't ever say this to her 'cos she would be mightily offended and I do think a lot of her. I wouldn't want to upset her. But I'm sick of my weekends being hijacked so now make a point of not answering the phone after 6 on Friday till Sunday evening and going out over the weekends - annoying having to do that but the only other alternative is to tell her to sod off and I couldn't.

Don't know what I'd do if it was my sister - if ya live oop north maybe we could hook up your sis and my mate and let them keep each other occupied?

Sorry, did that sound horribly smug? I was trying to agree with you that a year isn't a ridiculously short amount of time! I think we raised a few eyebrows though I admit...

Aaawww, lemmein, you sound like a lovely friend. I know how you feel guilty just typing what you did, because I feel the same.

I don't want to offend/upset my sister either. So I know how you feel. If I didn't answer my phone, I'd just get a follow-up text, or continuous phone calls until I answered. Then she'd get my mum to call, under the guise of being 'worried I hadn't answered'. I don't want to worry anyone unnecessarily, but I hate being so available.

I don't live oop north, I'm afraid, but I'm happy to pay for her train ticket

No, Ninky, not at all! Did I sound a bit 'well bully for you'? Because I didn't mean to, honestly!

I honestly love to hear about it working out for people. I am so very happy with my life at the moment that it's nice to hear it can continue, and does for many people :)

DH moved in here a month after we got together because he was being made homeless! Seven years later and a 4yo DD together (as well as my 9yo DD who calls him dad.) Best thing we ever did. And actually a snotty friend of mine remarked upon him being the shag of the week and had to eat his words.

'Shag of the week' is just disgustingly offensive to all involved.

AIBU for thinking you are a little BU?

I wonder if your sisters dc grew attached to yours when she was helping you out with childcare. If she was helping you a lot then maybe she missed having your DC's around. She was there when you needed her but you don't want to give up the time to be there for her. I know you've said you see her often but it's the kids she is trying to get together.

Re. the night out, how much notice do you need? You were given over a week, why didn't your bf just say he could re-arrange the dinner for another time. You've kindly been invited to something and are getting annoyed about it. Why would anyone react the way you have to an invitation?

You are under no obligation to answer your phone, and her constant attempts to get in touch when you are clearly unavailable to take a call would be called harassment if she was an ex-boyfriend rather than a sister.

At the very least talk to your mother and ask her not to join in your sister's pursuit of you.

I have an aunt who pulls that shit my grandmother. It's unpleasant and controlling.

And really you need to say to your sister when you talk to her that is she calls and you are not available that she is to leave a message and then wait for you to respond. Tell her that you won't be bullied into talking to her when you are busy doing other things.

You know what - you are not mean or selfish and are fully entitled to look forward to your weekends and enjoy them
Doing what you want
Your sister needs to stop being So selfish and back off a bit as you do more than enough already! You work hard and are entitled to enjoy this time with your kids as you want - especially now that they are older and 'easier' to be wit
Hold your ground and do more for you! X and also more that your kids want at their age they want different things which is fair enough! X

yabu
this is your sister not some random clingy bitch, she is your family and she wants her kids and your kids to spend time together once every 2 weeks so they grow up close imo, how is she bu?

it sounds like you cut of your family coz you got a bf.

Ahhh, the joys of the internet...you didn't Toby, at all, I just suddenly doubted myself and thought maybe I sounded smug, I was typing short messages as on my phone under sleeping baby!

I completely get the pressure from family thing too, I just relayed the thread in brief to DH as he asked what I was typing and he started raising en eyebrow as to the similarities. My sister is younger, no family of her own etc but the passive aggressive 'pressure' is very familiar.

What hasn't really been said here is that you, OP, need to believe in yourself that you're not being unreasonable about this (it's very clear that YANBU) and STOP feeling guilty about it. Guilt isn't something that other people can make you feel, it's something you bring on yourself based on your impression/reaction to what others do/say.

Yes, sounds fairly basic and obvious, I know, but you will find a huge weight is lifted off you when you finally are able to let go of your OWN deep-down feelings that somehow you're doing something wrong (when you're not).

Like others said, start with a simple "no" when asked. Turn off your phone or ignore the texts. Don't let yourself be drawn into arguments about it. Take control of the situation with your sister by caring less about what she thinks of you than she cares about what you think of her.

Subtle but powerful. Just stop being the one who cares the most about it and you'll magically gain control back over your life and your weekends.

Perhaps those who think IABU should read the posts where I say that however she dresses it up as 'getting the kids together' it's really about her.

Also, re the night out, why should I/my bf cancel something that's already booked, to go somewhere neither of us want to go? I do tend to book things in advance due to me only having 2 weekends a month
where I don't need to find childcare.

Turns out the plans for the night out have changed from Saturday to Friday. So we are compromising and going for a few drinks, while avoiding the 2am minibus ride. She will probably kick off about it tonight but I don't care. I'm going to be firm with her!

Thanks, all, for your replies :)

dont worry then, its only your sisters well being, as long as u and ur bf r having a good time

Why are the sister's wishes and feelings more important than Toby's?