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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dad visiting with OH what would you do???

53 replies

DjMN · 25/02/2011 10:48

Have name changed..

Bit of background:My parents broke up 12 years ago.Dad was violent and nasty.Grew up calling me names and putting me down.
My mother left with DB.DD spent every night around new DP's while I was on my own(just turned 15yrs).
I was homeless a few years later.My dm had met a wealthy partner but didn't have enough space for me to live with them.
My grandmother put me up for 2 weeks and bought me a one way ticket to London and told me to go.
I had some horrible jobs/horrible places to live and met horrific people.
My father continued to meet me when I visited my old town.Within minutes he would insult me and call me the worst names under the sun making me cry like an idiot in public places.
Fast forward a few years-got myself a good job,met OH,had 2ds's and got a house.
My dad now wants to play 'happy families' and every 2 months wants to visit.
My OH says he never met such an argumentative and angry man.
He's mellowed slightly(well he call me horrible swear words).
I let him come because he's my dad and he's the dc grandfather.
He's still with his girlfriend.She's never worked and had all of her 3 dc by the age of 19 and has been on benefits ever since.
Her 3 sons were constantly in trouble with school and police etc.
One of her sons tried to set fire to me(he sprayed aerosol infront of my face and lit a match and a huge ball of fire lit in the air)Shock
All of my dads OH dc are on benefits.They smoke weed,get up at 3pm.Two of them have just moved their girlfriends into my dads house and had 2 babies in the last two years.
My dad is the only one who works in that house is my dad.
My dad wants to visit in two weeks.I find it impossible to talk to him about the above.
Everything is brushed under the carpet-always has been.
If anyone dares speak their mind to him he tells them to eff off and cuts them out.
Also when he visits he gets here around 6pm when he says he will be here at noon.He and his girlfriend sleep til noon the next day.
They left chocolates and saliva covered sweets in our bedShock
She doesn't say please or thankyou.
She said to me and OH 'you people get a day off this year cause of the Royal Wedding'!!
When I last said to her 'hows your son and his baby?'
My dad told me to mind my own effing business!
I think he's angry because
-My DM left him 12 years ago(she had an affair)
-He's always blamed me/the world etc
-He lives with that horrible woman who can't be bothered to work and her drug taking children and their partners(all on the dole) and their babies.

His life is SHITE.So I feel like a total cow to speak my mind to him.
I know it's none of my business what they get up to but I hate him visiting especially with her!I've been putting him off since the New Year.My OH hates them coming.
How do I deal with this?
Thanks so much for readingSmile
Thankyou for reading this

OP posts:
laosvher · 25/02/2011 10:51

Why is he still in your life?
Just get rid of all of them, I don't think I even need to explain my reasons for saying this.

Original poster
DjMN · 25/02/2011 10:51

Sorry for the awful grammar!Had a teething baby in arms and wrote in 2 minutes.

OP posts:
Original poster
DjMN · 25/02/2011 10:53

laosvher-Because everyone has always let him be like this to just cut him off would seem weird/hard.How would I do it?He isn't horrible to DC(but he isn't a grandad either).

OP posts:
Original poster
DjMN · 25/02/2011 10:54

*Isn't a good grandfather.

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 25/02/2011 10:56

Is this for real? Shock

If so, just tell him they're not welcome. Your DCs don't need these horrible people in their lives and they certainly don't need to see you being sworn at and spoken to like that. Your dad wasn't there when you needed him, so what is it that you feel you owe him now, to let him come and visit even though you hate it, just because he wants to? Fuck 'im.

Original poster
DjMN · 25/02/2011 11:00

But do I tell him how I feel(when I know for a fact that he'll call me a nasty cow/bitch etc).
I brush it under the carpet because occasionally he's nice.He's still my dad.Don't know how to deal with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
DjMN · 25/02/2011 11:01

Yes it is for real!I don't get shocked because he's always been like this so I thought it was normal.But now I have dc I know that it isn't normal.

OP posts:
FER1 · 25/02/2011 11:03

It doesn't sound like he behaves like a father. you owe him nothing! Stop perpetuating your problems. Just because no one has stood up to him before doesn't mean you can't now. If you don't think you can, get your OH to. Does he speak to you like that in front of your OH? Get rid.

abenstille · 25/02/2011 11:04

Don't let them come. If you can't face the fall out, make excuses - kids ill, kids having sleep overs etc. He'll start thinking youre unreliable and stop asking to come. Meet on neutral ground where you can walk away when name calling etc starts.
Well done for turning your life around. Good luck

FetchezLaVache · 25/02/2011 11:04

"occasionally he's nice"

Your dad let you down in the worst possible way when you were a kid, was violent and nasty, deliberately made you cry in public and now you think that the most you deserve from him is occasional niceness!

lesley33 · 25/02/2011 11:11

I know he is still your father and TBH if people haven't got experience of family like this, I don't think they can understand why you would still feel some loyalty or love towards him.

It's not your fault he is like this and whether you cut him off or not it sounds like he will always be like this.

You don't have to keep in contact with him. However if you want to, rather than have him visit could you arrange to meet somewhere in public for an afternoon - even if it means a bit of a drive? You would then see him for less time and if he got too bad you could just walk away.

Its up to you, but I personally wouldn't bother confronting him on his behaviour. It would be unlikely to make much difference and would probably just lead to a barrage of abuse that would be horrible for you.

And to other posters, I am sure this is real. I have known families like this (although not my own thankfully).

FetchezLaVache · 25/02/2011 11:13

Sorry if that came across harshly btw, I'm in a rotten mood! DjMN, you are treating your father with courtesy and respect and he doesn't deserve either. He's treating you with contempt and you deserve much, much better. He sounds absolutely toxic and I don't blame you for hating his visits. I hope you manage to get rid! What does your OH think about it all?

squeakytoy · 25/02/2011 11:19

He may be your father biologically, but he isnt a dad. Nor is he fit to be a grandad.

You owe him nothing, and from what you have posted, your life does not have any benefit from him being in it.

I would simply cut all contact with this person. You dont need shit like this in your life. Nobody does.

Ormirian · 25/02/2011 11:22

Well feel sorry for him if you wish. But do it at a distance. Don't let him poison your own family.

Goblinchild · 25/02/2011 11:30

What would I do?
I'd protect my children from developing a relationship with someone so manipulative, corrosive and damaging.
Because I'm their parent.

OTheHugeManatee · 25/02/2011 11:45

It sounds as though you've come through hell and made a decent life for yourself. This man has done nothing for you ever except bully you and wreck your self-esteem. What possible reason could you have for allowing this arsehole and his trollop into your life?

Protect your kids. Cut off all contact now. They don't need this man in their lives, any more than you needed him in yours.

Original poster
DjMN · 25/02/2011 12:20

Thanks for the repliesSmile
When he started swearing at me(around 1 yr ago)I asked him why he was being so abusive on the phone.He said I annoyed him and he intended to ring to have a nice conversation but he won't bother now and then he hung up.
I didn't see him or hear from him for 6 and a half months.
When he dropped my brother off to my mothers house(his ex-wife)he had asked after me.
My mother said that he looked very sad and tired and down.
Soft silly me got back in touch.Within minutes he turned from being nice back to a nasty abusive person.
I don't know why he is so horrible and angry.
When he would come home from work(when I was little)me.dm and db were not allowed to speak for 1 hour if we did he would kick us.
Conversation wise all he talks about is real ale and music.He is also very racist.
I hate seeing him as it is.
I would feel guilty and heartbroken to cut him out(don't know why-maybe because I'm his daughter and it's a loyalty thing.I must love him.)
And I know I can't speak to him about this because all hell would break loose.
He will never changer.
My dc are 7months and 2.6 years so at the moment they don't know what he's like.

OP posts:
Lucyinthepie · 25/02/2011 12:25

The choice is yours. Only you can make the decision about whether you are prepared to continue to put up with this and expose your family to this abusive situation. Or whether you will make the final decision to write to him and tell him you want no further contact. Being prepared to follow up as required, including calling the police if needed.
It's a shame you let him back in really isn't it?

Original poster
DjMN · 25/02/2011 12:31

I know lucyinthepie.I'm 100% sure he wouldn't touch a hair on my dc heads.
It feels I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.
Going to feel horrible whatever I choose.
My mother was no saint either but I can talk to her and she has said sorry for the things she has done to me.
I've forgiven her and now she is a fantastic grandmother to the dc.She's made up for horrible things that she's done.
It's the fact you can't say anything to him that makes me so frustrated.
It's weird the more horrible he is the nicer I am.
Maybe a letter would be good.
When OH asks his partner how are her dc my father growls at my OHShock
You're not allowed to ask how she is or her children because he sees it that we're snobs because we work.

OP posts:
GloriaSmut · 25/02/2011 12:34

I'm astonished that you still put up with this appalling excuse for an individual. It doesn't matter what his blood relationship is to your dcs, he's not behaving like a decent father or grandfather. Do you want your children exposed to his atrocious behaviour and the scum that he associates with? Only he's hardly a positive example, is he? I'm not surprised your OH hates his visits and if I were you, I'd be listening to the people that matter in your life. Not this arsehole.

Goblinchild · 25/02/2011 12:35

'I know lucyinthepie.I'm 100% sure he wouldn't touch a hair on my dc heads.'

he doesn't need to touch them to belittle, mock and taunt them. Or twist them so that they see you as a stupid, worthless, gullible fool by the time they are teenagers.
Cut contact, or fear your future.

lesley33 · 25/02/2011 12:36

You will probably never know why he is so horrible and angry. He may not know himself why he acts like this.

It is natural to want our parents to be nice to us, care for us and love us. If we don't get this, it is also natural to keep trying to get this from them.

But I really don't think he is going to change and certainly I don't think anything you do and say will make him change.

I do think you need to protect your own children from him.

You don't have to decide now if you cut him out of your life or not. You could just make up an excuse as to why he and his OH can't come and stay and maybe arrange instead to meet them for an afternoon in a public place.

If he gets upset and says he doesn't want to meet you, just use the time apart from him to think about whether you want to keep in contact with him or not.

Try not to get swayed if he looks or is sad and upset. Many many people whose behaviour is unreasonable can be sad and upset about the consequences of their behaviour. For example, many physically abusive men cry and beg their wifeto forgive them after they have battered her.

If he is sad or upset its not your job to make him feel better. Try and just think of yourself and your children and what you want. But also try and accept that he is unlikely to change.

Goblinchild · 25/02/2011 12:38

You are choosing to be in an abusive relationship. I'd be less worried if you didn't have children who will be affected by it, either directly or because of the impact it will have on you, your OH and indirectly on them.

FourFortyFour · 25/02/2011 12:39

Unless this man adds to your life get shut.

Children are better off with no grandad than one who treats their mother like shit.

lesley33 · 25/02/2011 12:39

Some people find it helpful to write a letter saying everything they want to say to a person, but not actually sending the letter. I think it can just be a relief to get down on paper how you actually feel. Don't know if it mighthelp to write a letter like this to your father?