Dad visiting with OH what would you do???

[DjMN]

Have name changed..

Bit of background:My parents broke up 12 years ago.Dad was violent and nasty.Grew up calling me names and putting me down.
My mother left with DB.DD spent every night around new DP's while I was on my own(just turned 15yrs).
I was homeless a few years later.My dm had met a wealthy partner but didn't have enough space for me to live with them.
My grandmother put me up for 2 weeks and bought me a one way ticket to London and told me to go.
I had some horrible jobs/horrible places to live and met horrific people.
My father continued to meet me when I visited my old town.Within minutes he would insult me and call me the worst names under the sun making me cry like an idiot in public places.
Fast forward a few years-got myself a good job,met OH,had 2ds's and got a house.
My dad now wants to play 'happy families' and every 2 months wants to visit.
My OH says he never met such an argumentative and angry man.
He's mellowed slightly(well he call me horrible swear words).
I let him come because he's my dad and he's the dc grandfather.
He's still with his girlfriend.She's never worked and had all of her 3 dc by the age of 19 and has been on benefits ever since.
Her 3 sons were constantly in trouble with school and police etc.
One of her sons tried to set fire to me(he sprayed aerosol infront of my face and lit a match and a huge ball of fire lit in the air)
All of my dads OH dc are on benefits.They smoke weed,get up at 3pm.Two of them have just moved their girlfriends into my dads house and had 2 babies in the last two years.
My dad is the only one who works in that house is my dad.
My dad wants to visit in two weeks.I find it impossible to talk to him about the above.
Everything is brushed under the carpet-always has been.
If anyone dares speak their mind to him he tells them to eff off and cuts them out.
Also when he visits he gets here around 6pm when he says he will be here at noon.He and his girlfriend sleep til noon the next day.
They left chocolates and saliva covered sweets in our bed
She doesn't say please or thankyou.
She said to me and OH 'you people get a day off this year cause of the Royal Wedding'!!
When I last said to her 'hows your son and his baby?'
My dad told me to mind my own effing business!
I think he's angry because
-My DM left him 12 years ago(she had an affair)
-He's always blamed me/the world etc
-He lives with that horrible woman who can't be bothered to work and her drug taking children and their partners(all on the dole) and their babies.

His life is SHITE.So I feel like a total cow to speak my mind to him.
I know it's none of my business what they get up to but I hate him visiting especially with her!I've been putting him off since the New Year.My OH hates them coming.
How do I deal with this?
Thanks so much for reading
Thankyou for reading this

Don't let him come. Read one of the books about Toxic families, and ask your GP for some counselling.

You are not being horrible, you have done wonderfully to get this fast, but you don't really need him in your life, your kids don't and neither does your OH. No one who really knows any of the facts (and is rational) will blame you.

Certainly don't have people like this staying in your house. You do not have to have relatives stay!

Good luck.

Your dad is vile, his partner is the worst sort of woman there is and if I were you I would keep them away from your nice family.

Leave them in the gutter they belong in

That's a really awful childhood! I'm so sorry for you . I would be surprised if your GP wouldn't refer you to counselling. It would be really helpful I think.

You suffered abuse as a child and I think you are still reacting and thinking like an abuse victim. Counselling will help you to accept that you deserve better and that you DON'T have to put up with it and to be assertive (I've done this and it really works).

I would say to your dad that xy&z are unacceptable ways to behave around you or to say to you. Tell him that you won't see him if he does these things. If he is staying with you you'll ask him to leave immediately if he does these things, if he is on the phone you will hang up. It sounds as though he is too set in his ways to change so you'll probably have to carry it through. This may mean that you become estranged from him but you will have given him a chance and it will be his responsibility if you can no longer see him because of his behaviour.

You don't need to justify this to him at all. No one has the right to treat you like that (or behave like that in front of your children).