Dad visiting with OH what would you do???

[DjMN]

Have name changed..

Bit of background:My parents broke up 12 years ago.Dad was violent and nasty.Grew up calling me names and putting me down.
My mother left with DB.DD spent every night around new DP's while I was on my own(just turned 15yrs).
I was homeless a few years later.My dm had met a wealthy partner but didn't have enough space for me to live with them.
My grandmother put me up for 2 weeks and bought me a one way ticket to London and told me to go.
I had some horrible jobs/horrible places to live and met horrific people.
My father continued to meet me when I visited my old town.Within minutes he would insult me and call me the worst names under the sun making me cry like an idiot in public places.
Fast forward a few years-got myself a good job,met OH,had 2ds's and got a house.
My dad now wants to play 'happy families' and every 2 months wants to visit.
My OH says he never met such an argumentative and angry man.
He's mellowed slightly(well he call me horrible swear words).
I let him come because he's my dad and he's the dc grandfather.
He's still with his girlfriend.She's never worked and had all of her 3 dc by the age of 19 and has been on benefits ever since.
Her 3 sons were constantly in trouble with school and police etc.
One of her sons tried to set fire to me(he sprayed aerosol infront of my face and lit a match and a huge ball of fire lit in the air)
All of my dads OH dc are on benefits.They smoke weed,get up at 3pm.Two of them have just moved their girlfriends into my dads house and had 2 babies in the last two years.
My dad is the only one who works in that house is my dad.
My dad wants to visit in two weeks.I find it impossible to talk to him about the above.
Everything is brushed under the carpet-always has been.
If anyone dares speak their mind to him he tells them to eff off and cuts them out.
Also when he visits he gets here around 6pm when he says he will be here at noon.He and his girlfriend sleep til noon the next day.
They left chocolates and saliva covered sweets in our bed
She doesn't say please or thankyou.
She said to me and OH 'you people get a day off this year cause of the Royal Wedding'!!
When I last said to her 'hows your son and his baby?'
My dad told me to mind my own effing business!
I think he's angry because
-My DM left him 12 years ago(she had an affair)
-He's always blamed me/the world etc
-He lives with that horrible woman who can't be bothered to work and her drug taking children and their partners(all on the dole) and their babies.

His life is SHITE.So I feel like a total cow to speak my mind to him.
I know it's none of my business what they get up to but I hate him visiting especially with her!I've been putting him off since the New Year.My OH hates them coming.
How do I deal with this?
Thanks so much for reading
Thankyou for reading this

Sounds awful situation for a long time, and you can't do much more. I would want to protect my children and family from being exposed to this in any way, and being influenced by the rest of his new family as they get older. If you still want to stay in touch then see him every 2 months at a neutral place (park or something) away from your home on your own and leave if any grief at all, though sounds like he has made his own life choices and hasn't earned any loyalty from you at all

your husband is a saint to even let them in the house. i have had lots of problems with my (male) family members in recent years but nothing on the scale of this abusive behaviour and my dh would not allow this poison in the place

life is long but too short to allow yourself to treated like this - you need to cut your dad and his new family from your life - it not your fault that he is miserable and you can do nothing to change it

maybe the life he is leading now is karma for the shitty childhood he gave you?

also, your mother sounds a right charmer, letting you be homeless for the sake of a man?

you have been abused by both your parents but you need to toughen up

DjMN - forgetting the past hurt for a moment, if this were someone who wasn't your family, Say a friend who you had known a few years, would you put up with the growling, swearing, and other bad behaviour from them?

Would you pull them up on their poor behaviour? And if they continued would you think about cutting them out to avoid the behaviour?

You see, I don't think the fact that he is family matters. You should not have to put up with this from anyone.

The problem is that the more you let him get away with this the worse it becomes.

You said you don't challenge him for fear of him cutting contact. Would this really be such a bad thing??? Do you really prefer having him in your life the way that he is now?

My biggest problem with this is that it is verging on abusive behaviour towards you. Your children do witness how he treats you and sooner or later they are going to start understanding what he is doing. Do you really want them around this?

I know its hard - I have had to do it myself. But cutting contact with him is the only way. If down the line you want to re-establish contact you can do so, but make it really clear that it is son your terms. Unfortunately you won't be able to do it now because the behaviour has gon unchecked for so long and there hasn't been any reprucussions so your father thinks that this is ok.

IMO posting on this thread is not going to help you resolve the issues that are running riot in your head and your heart. This isn't just about getting shut of an abusive man but runs deeper, this is about a father daughter relationship, that throws a load more crap into the pot. 'He's my Dad so as his daughter I have a duty......'
I have a thread running on the relationship forum, its called 'I'm not looking for advice just a place to post safely' take a look at it, its not going to give you answers, but writing it and the replies I have had are helping me slowly to come to terms with my father and his abuse.

Hve you ever had counseling for the abuse you suffered as a child? If not I most definitely think you would benefit from it.

I think I would look at this from a slightly different perspective that of your ds's, he is not a good GF, he is happy to abuse you infront of your ds's and whilst they are not aware atm they will become so in the very near future. do you want your ds thinking that a) it is fine and dandy to behave in this manner, or b) being very afraid of a man who is allowed to come in and behave like this in their home.

Personnaly I think counseling to get your head straight and give you the confidence to challenge your father, and tell him to end contact. He is not enriching your life in any way shape or form, and is very likely to repeat the abuse with your dc.

I agree with slightlymad that the issues are deeper than just getting shot of an abusive man. I agree you should post in relationships.

I don't think most of the replies you are getting are helpful. Not because posters are being horrible, I just think they have no real understanding of being brought up in a family like yours and how it affects you.

I don't think at the moment the issue is as simple as do you end contact?

He won't change. Or ever be that nice to you. The irony is that the worse he behaved, the more you probably hope he will finally be nice - it's not likely.

Bad parents are much worse for people than no parents - same goes for grandchildren.

Don't see him more than very occasionally.

Your "dad" has let you down all your life, he has failed his responsibility towards you in every aspect.
You know how this has affected you, how his behaviour makes you feel,, please don't let your children be in his company anymore.
Make the last time you saw just that.

You don't owe him an explanation.
You don't have to justify cutting him off to anyone, you know why, thats all that matters.

Your children deserve the life you should of had, i am sorry so many people have let you down and left you to fend for yourself at such a young age.

Please don't let the cycle continue.
Your children shouldn't have to listen to his cruel words or see his twisted face in anger or hate.

By protecting them, you will protect yourself.

And on a more personal note, your dad is a fucking cunt, i am more than confident he will die alone and most unhappy.

Poor you. You owe it to yourself, your H and your kids not to continue this relationship with your father in this way.

Think about conselling as this may help you come to terms with the past and realise that unless you make the break things will get worse in the future. You cannot change your dad. But you can change how much influence he has on you and your children in the future. Personally I wouldnt let him anywhere near the kids.

I had a very good consellor when I got divorced. I have had issues with my ex, who is fundamentally a good dad. But after we split he was rude and disrespectful to me in my house in front of the kids. I made it very clear to him that this kind of behaviour was not acceptable to me and if it continued he would not be allowed into my home ever again.

He stopped, but thanks to the conselling, had he continued I would have had the strength to follow through.

My goodness. If this is real get that man out of your life asap. Everybody in your family seems to have failed you - including the grandmother who sent you away at the age of 15.

Please enjoy the life you have made for yourself and cut all ties to your past. You owe your "father" nothing.

Thanks again for the helpful replies.DP just called me quickly from work and I told him that I wrote on this and about how the responses were very helpful.
I will consider counselling-if I can afford!!

Yes mega this is real.Wish it wasn't though.

Slightlymad-will read your thread.
Thankyou again everyone.

I know that when it's all you've known, that it seems somehow normal, or acceptable.

But it's not. really it's not.

A 'father' in your life, at any cost.

It's really sad. I feel sorry for you.

But you are never going to have a 'daddy'.

You've got an abusive arsehole who treats you like shit on his shoe and you let him.

And don't for a moment think that he won't treat your children the way he's always treated you.

You owe him shit all.

Keep him away from your dcs if nothing else.

DjMN, you might be able to get it for free from the GP, or maybe he might refer you to another agency.

counselling that is

I wouldn't have someone like that in my life. Not as an adult, with my own house and family.

And I certainly wouldn't let his abusive new family anywhere near either.

Sounds like you need to tell him and hopefully get 'cut off' by him so you don't need to do the actual deed.

Good luck.

'It's weird the more horrible he is the nicer I am.'

Not weird. Usual abused child dynamics.

If you won't/can't put yourself first, then put your own kids first. Do you want them to be exposed to even a little bit of the abuse you've been exposed to?

Personally, I'd cut the poison out of my life, but that's easy for me to say.

What does your OH say about it? How about his feelings?

Hecate is right.

I picked up on this line in one of your posts:

"I would feel guilty and heartbroken to cut him out(don't know why-maybe because I'm his daughter and it's a loyalty thing.I must love him.)"

I think you'd be heartbroken to cut him out of your life because by doing this you would have to admit that he is no father to you. A part of you is still looking for that safe childhood where your parents protect you. Maybe subconsciously you think you could have a good relationship with him some day, if you continue to do "the right thing".

You know you are never going to get that from this man. IMO you need to go through a sort of grieving process for the parents you didn't have (as others have pointed out, your mother and grandmother let you down too)

Think about starting anohter thread in Relationships, you may get replies from people who have similar issues with their parents.

Thankyou so much.I have gained more than I could imagine from this thread.
I will try to see my GP and ask about counselling.
Hecate-you're right about me wanting a daddy and how I won't ever have one.
Doggie-that is very true what you've said.Thankyou.
Belle-my OH only suffers his visits because of me.He can't stand my dad coming.He thought I was exagerating when I told him about my dad(before they met).Now he knows the truth.He calls him a nasty angry man(only to me not to his face)!
It also causes arguments between me and OH and I feel like piggy in the middle.

Thanks again

DjMN he isn't and never has been a father to you.
You know what a 'proper' family is like because that is what you and your OH have with your children.
Do not expose them to this toxic excuse for a human being and his partner.
And go see your GP re counselling asap.

Good luck!

I think that this is one of those occasions where you can cut people out of your life with no guilty conscience or regret whatsoever.

These people sound vile.

You have done incredibly well to make a nice life despite a pretty shitty upbringing. You owe this man (and his revolting family) NOTHING.

Get rid.

Get some counselling to help you with this. Its expensive but hard to think of a better use for money ime

Oh and don't see him until you have had a few counselling sessions.

You don't owe this man anything

I wouldn't expose your children to the behaviour your were yourself once exposed to. I'd tell him over the phone that next time he comes, you'll expect better behaviour and when he starts effing and blinding, put the phone down and then write him a letter explaining why you are cutting him off completely.