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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to give them a piece of my mind ?

55 replies

AngelHMum · 24/02/2011 17:04

(Sorry this might turn out to be long.)

My stepchildren that is.

I posted just before Christmas about the way my step-daughter ignores me, her step brothersand her half sisters and refers to us as "the new family". ome of you were kind enough to offer your opinions on how to deal with her.

However this situation is on a different level I feel.
My DH had a rather big birthday last Friday -one of those ending in a 0.
Neither of his children from his first marriage sent him a card on time. A card turned up on Monday from his daughter but no gift.
His son (and dil) have ignored him completely no card, no present, no phone call, not even a text or a facebook message -absolute zilch.

Now, I don't want to sound materialistic but surely they could have bought him something ? A gift voucher if they had no idea what he would like at the very least? It's not rocket science, or is it ?

My dh has put a very brave face on it all and said "I am sure they are very busy and will get around to it".
I know he is heartbroken about it and even though life isn't about getting back what you give, it's a milestone I believe should have been marked.

It's sd's birthday next week and she sent her dad a text some weeks ago asking for an Ipad (which he has bought and is currently sitting wrapped up in our wardrobe) - I now want to take it back to the shop and get a refund or if I can't get a refund donate it to charity.

I am furious with them for hurting their father yet again, I feel like ringing them both up and telling them how this has upset him (he cried at the weekend when we talked about it) and how they need to learn to give as well as take.

I know if I ring them or return the Ipad (or both) I will enhance my wicked stepmother reputation even further but right now I don't care.
AIBU ?

BTW - stepdaughter is 28 & stepson is 31, so we are not discussing small children here.

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfWitches · 24/02/2011 17:06

why are they so angry with him?

BuzzLiteBeer · 24/02/2011 17:09

why is he buying a 28 year old an ipad?

squeakytoy · 24/02/2011 17:10

I have had this for years. My stepchildren are so thoughtless that it is hurtful to see my husband disappointed that they make no effort at all on his birthday, but he will never show it to them. They treat my MIL exactly the same. Yet make a great fuss of their mother and anyone on their mothers side of the family.

I would get a refund on the iPad to be quite honest. She has a bloody cheek to text and ask in my opinion. She is 28, not 8!

wonka · 24/02/2011 17:11

Would it be worth sending a text and asking if they have 'forgotten' DH's b'day?

Vallhala · 24/02/2011 17:11

What the blazes have you done to provoke that reaction from them?! At first I though you were speaking of young children or teenagers, that I could have understood, but at their ages? Goodness!

No wonder you're hurt on your DH's behalf (and I speak as an adult whose father really did marry the stepmother from hell).

Is there any reason for their bizaarly ungrateful, uncaring behaviour?

susall · 24/02/2011 17:12

Wow I thought you were going to say she was a teenager. Treat her birthday like she treated her dads, with a late card and see how she likes it. We have had similar but with the MIL so feel for him.

wahwahwah · 24/02/2011 17:14

They sound like spoiled brats. Your husband needs to say something, not you. It wouldn't be a good idea for you to get in the middle of an argument.

If it was my DH, I would advise him to speak to them and tell them that he was sad that they hadn't bothered about his birthday. Not getting into a confrontation but being 'grown up' about it - they are old enough not to treat him like 'the bank of daddy' anymore. Its forgivable when you are a child, or even a teenager, but when you are 30? Sending a text to put in your gift request if a bit crappy.

Ormirian · 24/02/2011 17:15

Yes take the IPad back and put in her card 'No pressie this year as we are cutting back just as you are'.

Original poster
AngelHMum · 24/02/2011 17:15

No idea Hecate, wish we knew - marrying me and having more children is all we have come up with over the years. There has never been a big row or anything specific.

I wasn't the ow - his ex had been remarried for 4 years before he met me, but it's fair to say they haven't been happy since our relationship began.

His issues with his son got worse when my DH started to refuse family invites unless I was included (we have been married almost 10 years). His daughter just seems to like to be a thorn in my side.

OP posts:
activate · 24/02/2011 17:15

You need to tell them how hurt their father is

I would

and who the hell buys a 28 year old an ipad aren't they like £400

JazzieJeff · 24/02/2011 17:15

Agree. An iPad for a 28 year old?! I'm amazed she thinks this is acceptable behaviour. Get your DH to get a refund and get her a £30 giftcard for Debenhams or something. I wouldn't worry about the wicked stepmother thing! They are way to old to be acting like such children. Most of us that age don't actually give a shit what our parents do! No offence, they should be busy with their own lives!

diddl · 24/02/2011 17:15

I wouldn´t take the ipad back, but I might ask husband why he spends so much on an adult just because she requests it by text?

OTheHugeManatee · 24/02/2011 17:17

Please don't have a go at them. If they're treating their father badly it's probably because of old resentments between them and him. It's not nice to witness, but intervening won't help and will most likely make things worse.

I could almost be one of the stepchildren in this situation (though I would never talk openly about 'the new family' - that's horrid). I can see both sides of the picture. IMO if my stepmother facilitated my dad being more direct and open with us that would be amazing - but the times she's tried to fight his battles the outcome has always just been more resentment and hostility.

They're his children. If he's upset he needs to fight his own battles with them. Please encourage him to say something to them himself. I'm sure it's distressing for you to see him so sad, but you won't do yourself or him any favours by weighing in.

diddl · 24/02/2011 17:18

Sounds as if they do this because they can.

I agree that he should take it back & give 30GPB or so towards one.

fridakahlo · 24/02/2011 17:18

As their step-mother it is not your place to tell them how hurt your husband is. It is HIS thing to do.

LoveBeingAKnockedUp · 24/02/2011 17:31

I understand how much this has hurt your dh, my dad was him. His son from his first marriage became very hurtful, difficult and well teenage like for no reason. He was in his 30's. My dad had maintained lots of contact throughout his childhood. His ex certainly did a lot of slagging off and even after shed died it certainly played a part.

If I remember correctly it got worse when ge settled down, when I got married ( he came to the wedding but no card or present and wouldn't even get up and dance) but it hit anew level when he had kids of his own.

I will never forgive my half brother for the way he treated my dad, not just for all those years but also when he was very ill and dying.

Do not get involved, it will never be seen in the right way and will make things worse. Just support your dh.

karen2010 · 24/02/2011 17:35

surely if it was a big 0 birthday you had a family meal or party?
Did you not invite them?

bupcakesandcunting · 24/02/2011 17:40

The only way they will learn is if the same treatment is dished back out to them. It may sound puerile but it is true, believe me.

She's got a fucking cheek asking her father for an iPad, too. I would stick it on eBay then spend the money on a nice meal for you and DH. And tell her about it too.

Cunts.

IFishWife · 24/02/2011 17:45

How recently are you together with DH?

I'm sorry - I can see your frustration, but they will feel like you are the interloper here, and it's not any of your business how they conduct their relationship with their father.

They are not behaving brilliantly, but hurt children, of whatever age, can and will act out. Tis just life. DH's mess to sort I'm sorry to say, not yours. I suspect they will only resent you for the intrusion.

But obviously I have next to no facts about the details and dynamics of your family. Things are never as simple as they seem in a post Smile

IFishWife · 24/02/2011 17:47

Really Bupcakes?

Wow. Stepcunts. That's a whole new eye-watering level of lack of human empathy right there.

BrianAndHisBalls · 24/02/2011 17:53

isn't there a lot more to this story or am i getting you mixed up with another poster who has posted in the past about a very similar situation?

pigletmania · 24/02/2011 17:56

My goodness how old are they 8 and 1! The stepd has a right nerve asking for an I pad and your dh is just as stupid getting it for her. talk him into taking it back and tell him how badly they have treated him. No you should not get involved, it's up to him to deal with it. All you can do is support him. Fair enough they are upset and don't want to have much to do with you, but having a nerve to ask for presents, your dh is not a credit card.

altinkum · 24/02/2011 17:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AboardtheAxiom · 24/02/2011 17:59

Buying a 28 year old an ipad forher birthday?? What's that all about?!

I think it's up to your dh to talk to them if he wants to.

Did you celebrate his birthday in any way??

Jux · 24/02/2011 18:07

I'll have the iPad; I'm sure I deserve it more than she does, and I'll pay you for it!

In real life you buy your grown-up-and-earning-children presents like really interesting books, but they buy their own iPads, TVs, technology etc unless they have a pressing reason to need your help.

The more they get what they demand, the more they'll demand and the less they'll give.

I would be seriously tempted to have a word with her pointing out that her dad is not Father Xmas, give and take is required in relationships, a simple card for his birthday from her would have made a huge difference, etc etc etc.

You're the wicked stepmum anyway, so what have you got to lose?

(NB this may be very bad advice.)