To want to give them a piece of my mind ?

[AngelHMum]

(Sorry this might turn out to be long.)

My stepchildren that is.

I posted just before Christmas about the way my step-daughter ignores me, her step brothersand her half sisters and refers to us as "the new family". ome of you were kind enough to offer your opinions on how to deal with her.

However this situation is on a different level I feel.
My DH had a rather big birthday last Friday -one of those ending in a 0.
Neither of his children from his first marriage sent him a card on time. A card turned up on Monday from his daughter but no gift.
His son (and dil) have ignored him completely no card, no present, no phone call, not even a text or a facebook message -absolute zilch.

Now, I don't want to sound materialistic but surely they could have bought him something ? A gift voucher if they had no idea what he would like at the very least? It's not rocket science, or is it ?

My dh has put a very brave face on it all and said "I am sure they are very busy and will get around to it".
I know he is heartbroken about it and even though life isn't about getting back what you give, it's a milestone I believe should have been marked.

It's sd's birthday next week and she sent her dad a text some weeks ago asking for an Ipad (which he has bought and is currently sitting wrapped up in our wardrobe) - I now want to take it back to the shop and get a refund or if I can't get a refund donate it to charity.

I am furious with them for hurting their father yet again, I feel like ringing them both up and telling them how this has upset him (he cried at the weekend when we talked about it) and how they need to learn to give as well as take.

I know if I ring them or return the Ipad (or both) I will enhance my wicked stepmother reputation even further but right now I don't care.
AIBU ?

BTW - stepdaughter is 28 & stepson is 31, so we are not discussing small children here.

Altinkum - I hear what you are saying, but I still don't know how fresh this all is to these "children".

It's just my experience that the divorce and remarrying of your parents at any age can sting so badly in your heart it hurts.

I don't know the circumstances that would lead this adult offspring of the OP's DH to behave in this way, but if he is hurt by the behaviour it suggests to me it's new behaviour. Sometimes if you have been hurt, and if you are very sophisticated at expressing your emotions, you hurt back in this way.

The i-pad thing is whatever to me. If DH and his Ex W have brought these children up to anticipate and expect this level of gift for a birthday, then that's frankly his own problem. The fact that he bought it for her suggests this is typical of many years running up to her 28th...

I'm just seeing the potential other side to the story.

I didn't like it that Bupcakes referred them as cunts. Quite honestly, how does she know?

AREN"T very sophisticated....

sorry.

"they cannot demand presents and such, while treating the family with contempt,"

It seems that they can in this case...

They have been married 10 years IFish - doesn't sound that fresh to me.

They sound like nasty spoilt kids. I'd sell the IPad. And tell the spoilt cow you have donated her pressie to charity.

Sorry I had to disappear to deal with an escaped rabbit!

Wow lots of advice from both sides thanks.
To answer some of the questions:

The situation isn't fresh - I'm not a new stepmother. My dh has always spoilt his children (ours as well) and his daughter is very used to getting her own way with everything. In the past he has given her money towards holidays, cars and last year she had a Blackberry so the Ipad is par for the course.

We did have a family celebration last weekend - SD turned down the invite to attend and SS didn't respond at all. It was only a small gathering of family and friends nothing outlandish.

I feel, like a lot of you say, that it is my husband's "department" to speak to them. However I know he won't because he is afraid it would make things worse. He has virtually been cut out of his son's life completely and he fears confrontation will lead to the same with his daughter.

It just seems to be the older they get the worse the behaviour is. I understand that they resent their father starting a new life and as OTheHugeManatee wisely says if I interfere it will probably not improve the situation.

We have tried everything possible to include them in our lives over the past decade. They are the ones who reject us. Invitations from their side never included me and when my husband stood up to his son over it he found himself shut out totally. He desperately wants to keep his daughter in his life. I get that I totally do, but he just ends up being a doormat. I find it frustrating.

DH's ex hasn't helped matters over the years and there is no doubt she has encouraged the situation.

I get the impression that if their dad died tomorrow neither of them would bother to go to his funeral and I find that so sad.
We have never had huge amounts of contact as both of them were adults when I married their father and they had grown out of the weekend contact thing.
I'd love a relationship with them and for them to be a part of our family.

I think everyone is getting a bit hung-up on the ipad - if those of the sort of gifts exchanged in the family, that's absolutely fine. No-one's starving because of it.

Did you phone them Angel to invite them to the celebration? I'm just wondering if that might have drawn a more positive response from the spoilt brats who need to grow up!

I wouldn't send a card or present for SD - wait for her to call, and say it must have got lost in the post, like her present for her Dad!! Now who's being childish!!! I would actually give it her, but only after you'd made your point.

I hope your own children spoil their Dad rotten, and appreciate him. That is the only real way to make up for the others.

Maybe they need telling how much he loves them, really how much worse can it get. He would then feel he had done something and tried his best. I know my dads convo did not go the way he wanted but he did at least feel he could answer some issues with his side. At end of the day they are adults and will do what they want.

Re your comments if dh passed away, you would probabg be surprised. My half brother even called my mum for a few weeks after to check she was ok.

I didn't talk to my dad for a year when I was 16. I remember when I rang him form a pay phone because I wanted my dad back. He drove 15 miles to pick me up there and then.

Your step children are not children. They are spoilt adults who think the earth should revolve around them, and kick off when it doesn't.

If you speak to them, what are you going to say? It's going to be explaining to them how much they are hurting their father treating him in this way?

I think that's I'd ask them/ her what it is that you and your DH have done in the past 10 years to offend them so. Make her justify her behaviour to you, in the guise of pretending that you just want to understand her POV. Surely she'll have to confront her own prejudices.

Expect she'll kick off like a dickhead, and it'll blow up in your face, but I'd do it anyway.

(secretly, i agree with bupcakes but i thought I'd try and be a grown up )

PLease don't ring them up. DP's step mum did this to us and it made relations even worse.

"DH's ex hasn't helped matters over the years and there is no doubt she has encouraged the situation."

But they are adults now & old enough to decide for themselves how to treat their father and what sort of a relationship they want with him.

The same applies to your husband.

LoveBeingAKnockedUp & Nagoo - thank you for giving me some hope that in the future things might be able to change

I know I need to bite my tongue and let it go from my end. Even though I may want to phone them up and give them what for, it's not the right thing to do is it?
To be honest the chances of them answering are slim anyway as we usually end up leaving messages. I'd probably end up ranting talking at the answerphone

I do wonder if they may change when / if they have children of their own.

"Really Bupcakes?

Wow. Stepcunts. That's a whole new eye-watering level of lack of human empathy right there.

"

Lack of human empathy? Ha. They're grown men and women who made their own father cry by "forgetting" his birthday whilst simultaneously requesting very expensive items of electrical gadgetry.

I think cunt covers it pretty well.

IFishWife I think you need to read the thread. The op has said she has been stepmum for ten years, she was not the ow, their mother remarried four years before she met her dh. And the stepkids were adults.

I totally empathise. My ss has never, not once, sent dh a birthday card, nor one to my ds. We do regularly get the list requesting his ott gifts however. Dh finally spoke his mind two years ago and voila, ss wants nothing to do with us.

Thats blackmail of course, and bullying, so the best way to deal with a bully is, stand up to them. But be prepared for them to walk away. Which I know your dh wants to avoid.

I also hope when ss matures he can see the bigger picture. My dh was divorced three years when I met him, and his ex was on her second new child and man, but I am treated like the scarlet woman.

Spoilt kids are spoilt kids, divorce or not.

DHs children from his first marriage never send him a card. It is SO weird as he has a good relationship with them albeit not seeing them as much as we would like as they moved away. They are teenagers and send ME a card but not their Dad.

It takes all I have in willpower not to prompt them but I stay out of it, but do console DH and inwardly am very and {sad] at it.

Bupcakes - I do admit you have a point, it's not quite the way I would phrase it but you do encapsulate my feelings, and those of a few others by the look of it

By the sounds of other posters' experiences too this is not an unusual situation with stepfamilies - how sad.

.

Well, I didn't get on with my stepmum for a long while (that's changed now, I adore her) but I never chastised my father for doing what should be done after a divorce; move on. I would have hated to think of him being upset on his birthday. And I never asked for expensive shit off him, despite him being minted. I just wouldn't. That is because, despite names and appearances, I am not a cunt

as a step daughter (who passionately hated my vile violent 2 faced bully) of a step dad i can understand how they feel...

have you / your DH done anything to upset them?

In the past i have point blank refused anything to do with my mum for over a year... no birthday Xmas or mothersday card from me, and nor did i see her at all. (still got presents from her though, but didnt acknowledge them)

It was my intention to really upset her... it worked (& she really DID deserve it)

I had my reasons and after the way they had both treated me (and entire different thread) IM PLEASED I made my point, and i did! (I would have been 19 / 20 ish)

To be fair also for most of the time i had no plans to speak to my mother ever again.

(Just to add my mother finally realised what a b@stard her H was and they are now divorced )

In all fairness nannyl, I don't think you can tar OP with the same brush as your stepdad. Your behaviour sounds entirely justified, the OP on the otherhand doesn't seem to have behaved badly at all.

The stepchildren are adults and shouldn't be indulged with their poor treatment of their father. It was am important birthday, they should have been there for the dinner, or taken him to lunch or done something nice for him. Presents I don't give a rats behind about, but they should have acknowledged him and his birthday.
I wouldn't say anything to them, but it would be wise for your dh to do unto them as they do unto him...and send a birthday card, and that is it. Your dh isn't doing them any favours sending presents to people with such feelings of entitlement. It is one thing if they cannot afford a present, but they are snubbing him. He is being treated like a doormat.

All birthdays actually, not just "important" ones.

have you / your DH done anything to upset them?

As I said earlier, apart from getting married and having children of our own, no not that we are aware of.
We helped sd through uni and dh never abandoned either of them. He was a big part of their lives growing up, even though divorced from their mum he saw them almost every day. However they were adults with their own lives when I came on the scene.

It definitely stems from the point in time when he met me and got worse when I had our children. His son has never met the younger of our two girls.
I can assure you nannyl I have not bullied them or pushed them away at all. If anything over the years I have gone out of my way to be nice, accommodating and friendly without being pushy.
I appreciate they may both be jealous of their new half sisters but my dh is still their dad too and that will never change.

ok...

was just asking

seems like they are being very unfair then... and tbh if they are just being ungreatful and spoilt id want to take the ipad back too

you are all adults and can play fair. Can see why your DH wouldnt want to deliberately upset his children, but he mustn't let himself be taken advantage of either...

What horrible little sods.

If my DSS aged 27 or DSS aged 22 hurt OH this I would expect an explaination.