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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my XH should NOT be ringing me about this

86 replies

itisnotgoingwelltoday · 24/02/2011 14:15

I am a regular but have name changed.

And this is an incredibly small petty thing but has annoyed me out of all proportion so I suspect IABU.

XH is picking DD up from school today and having her for tea etc.

He does this every Thursday afternoon.

There is an after school club - she goes every week.

He had the DC's at the weekend and dropped them to school on Monday morning, AND PAID FOR THE AFTER SCHOOL CLUB

So, I got a text from him "Can you please confirm asap if DD is at after school club today. I need to know what time to pick her up"

I texted back to say that yes, she was at after school club as usual.

He then phoned and said he just wasn't sure and he'd phoned me because he knew I would know.

AIBU to think he paid for the club, he sent the money in on Monday, it's not up to me to know what DD is doing on his watch?

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 24/02/2011 14:46

it'snotgoingwell - YANBU to let him do what he wants with his time with his DD. It would be wrong of you to interfere with it, unless it was harming or upsetting her in some way - but as she enjoys it and it works for him, then it's not a problem, is it.

As for the rest - you will have to just stop "knowing" this stuff for him if you want him to engage his own brain to remember/know this stuff. I do this with DH already:
"where's x?"
"wherever you left it"
"Have you seen it?"
"no"
"are you going to help me look for it?"
"no, you lost it, you think about where you left it"

If he asks a question about scheduling more than once in a row, I ask him what the answer was last time he asked it - usually he remembers when pushed! I am entirely too sarcastic about a lot of it but it is very wearing.

BristolJim · 24/02/2011 14:47

Speaking to your child's father about child care arrangements grinds you down?

megapixels · 24/02/2011 14:48

YABU. He was just checking with you as he'd forgotten, can't see what's wrong with that. All you had to do was text back your reply, hardly a great inconvenience. Tell your DD to gift him one of those organiser calendars for his birthday so that he can keep track of things himself.

Original poster

itisnotgoingwelltoday · 24/02/2011 14:48

Thumbwitch - I think that's it, it's wearing - a very good way to put it.

It's hard not to interfere in what he's doing, especially when I hear that they've done stuff that I wouldn't have chosen to do, but if I want him to accord me the same rights, then I can't interfere? I don't think?

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Original poster

itisnotgoingwelltoday · 24/02/2011 14:49

Megapixels - bought him one of those calendars for Christmas from the DC's, according to them he put it in the bin and wouldn't let them write in it because "that's the sort of anal way your mother behaves"

OP posts:

Original poster

itisnotgoingwelltoday · 24/02/2011 14:51

Jim - the childcare arrangements are well sorted. This is HIS time with her - he does what he wants with HIS time - why does he need to ring me to find out what he is doing when he has her?

OP posts:

BristolJim · 24/02/2011 14:52

Sounds like just the right way to treat a present bought as a passive-aggressive statement.

Is anyone else starting to warm to Mr. Itisnotgoingwelltoday?

megapixels · 24/02/2011 14:53

Oh well then if he's not even taking up the attempts to help him get organised I can see why you're annoyed. If he's doing this regularly then next time just say that he'll have to write it down somewhere because you don't make a note of what the DC are doing when they're with him.

Original poster

itisnotgoingwelltoday · 24/02/2011 14:54

Jim - the DC's picked the calendar because it had cartoons on it he would like. I just paid for it. I also bought him clothes from them, but they picked that and a mug and some silly boxers by themselves.

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 24/02/2011 14:54

"that's the sort of anal way your mother behaves" - oh ha ha. So it's all right for YOU to do it because then he uses YOU as his personal calendar rather than, oh I don't know, being SENSIBLE and using the fucking calendar HIMSELF.

Am quite for you now. If he were mine, I'd be getting all sarcastic over his sorry behind by now.

Original poster

itisnotgoingwelltoday · 24/02/2011 14:56

Oh and FWIW the DC who told me that is a grown up and it was said to them not the smaller DD

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fedupofnamechanging · 24/02/2011 14:58

Actually, I'm starting to change my mind and agree with you itsnotgoingwelltoday, based on him throwing your present in the bin and then still expecting you to remember all his shit for him. That smacks of wanting to have your cake and eat it too!

I think it is good that you don't try to interfere in what he does when he has your DD. A nice, healthy way to manage the arrangement

Original poster

itisnotgoingwelltoday · 24/02/2011 15:00

Thing is, the kids also bought ME one of those calendars - I've never had one before either!

It works - me him and access I mean - most of the time - there's the odd blip but in the last 2 years since we split they have been few and far between.

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tallpoppies · 24/02/2011 15:00

yanbu
If he made the arrangements he should remember them. He is just one of those types who has to be spoonfed everything!
Still, it's not worth getting yourself worked up over! Have a bottle of wine and chill and remember that at least you don't have to put up with his crapness on a daily basis any more!!

Original poster

itisnotgoingwelltoday · 24/02/2011 15:02

Tallpoppies - I think that is part of it too.

I can't explain this very well, but I don't have to put up with the rest of living with him, the rest of the hassles, but this is one thing that I still have to tolerate?

And I do know that I'm lucky that he's involved and does his share and is not a deadbeat dad.

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YesPleaseDrChristian · 24/02/2011 15:03

Chill out!

tallpoppies · 24/02/2011 15:50

The thing is though, because you had kids together you are always going to have to tolerate having him in your life to some degree. Undoubtedly there are things he does that really bug you just as there are probably things about you that irk him too but it's just not worth sweating the small stuff.

My dd's dad irritates me too at times, but he loves her, she loves him and in the long run that is all that is going to matter. After he has done something that irritates me I find it helps to remember how glad I am that we are no longer together and imagine how frustrated I would feel on a daily basis if we were!!!

Sure, if it bothers you that much then bring it up with him but don't turn it into a big argument.
My mother irritates me on a daily basis to the point that I sometimes think I would have to physically restrain myself if I were in the room with her rather than on the phone. It's just not worth mentioning most of the time though - that's what they are like and unless you want a completely acrimonious relationship then you have to accept their flaws and thank your lucky stars that you no longer have to live with them.

Are there unresolved issues or anger with your ex that are being confused with this issue? If not then seriously just let it go or just don't get involved. If he rings querying arrangements tell him that you haven't altered any after school activites that he has arranged but that if he is worried he should check with the school as you are not his personal secretary.

He may be worried that if school change asa's that he would not be informed as the nrp. I know personally that I get emails all the time from our school that my dh doesn't get - there is often an automatic assumption that the mother deals with all that stuff! To set his mind at rest, maybe he could send in a letter with his contact details explaining that all correspondence needs to come to both of you!

Original poster

itisnotgoingwelltoday · 24/02/2011 15:55

Tallpoppies - some really good ideas there.

The school send out two hard copies of the weekly newsletter (so one for me and one for him) AND I get it by email and I forward it to him - I asked him if he wanted to ring the school and set it up that way for him too and his answer was "sure it's no hassle for you when you're reading it to forward it to me" - and it isn't honestly any bother, but it typifies his attitude.

I'm just going to let it go - but I am going to take the advice and now just tell him "I don't know, I haven't changed whatever arrangements you have made"

Hopefully he will get the message!

(Absolustely no unresolved issues btw - honestly - Well I don't have any with him, don't know about him with me!)

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 24/02/2011 17:32

You are being petty, he is just double checking. Whats your problem?

FellatioNelson · 24/02/2011 17:36

But sometimes clubs are cancelled, or first week back they are not on or whatever, and if she lives mostly with you yhen you would get that info from the school, and not him, so I don't think it was unreasonable of him to double check TBH.

nickelbabe · 24/02/2011 17:46

that's fine, Fellatio but not only is he relying on her to remember everything, he sent a text first, then rang her afterwards
he could have just settled with the text (to which she replied)

FellatioNelson · 24/02/2011 17:47

Oh I see. Sorry. (read thread properly Fellatio ) Perhaps he's still in love with her and just wants to hear her voice.

Original poster

itisnotgoingwelltoday · 24/02/2011 17:48

Fellatio - she went back to school on Wednesday of last week, the note went home on Friday to his house and he sent the money to school on Monday.

He phoned after the text and tbh I don't know why he did, because I thought the text was sufficient

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FellatioNelson · 24/02/2011 17:49

Deffo still loves you then.

Original poster

itisnotgoingwelltoday · 24/02/2011 17:50

Fellatio - that made me laugh. There's been a few comments lately about how well I am looking

Unfortunately for him, I have a BF (which he knows about)

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