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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think they should be allowed to have IVF?

92 replies

MrsShuffleBottom · 23/02/2011 14:25

When he has an ex wife with whom he had 2 DC and refuses to pay any maintenance for because he can't afford it. The DC are both approaching their teens and he has never paid a penny.

But he can find the money to partically fund IVF with his second wife, 90% of the tab is being paid by the NHS.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsShuffleBottom · 23/02/2011 14:25

Shouldn't it should say

OP posts:
EmmaBGoode · 23/02/2011 14:27

I thought you couldn't get IVF on the NHS if either of you already had children?

worraliberty · 23/02/2011 14:28

Who?

Chil1234 · 23/02/2011 14:29

I take your point but NHS ethics don't extend as far as previous behaviour towards children with other partners. Treatment is decided based on the medical needs of the patient... which is as it should be. If he has cash and his ex wife hasn't seen any of it, she should take him to court rather than deny his new partner the chance to be a mother.

EmmaBGoode · 23/02/2011 14:29

Maybe MissSB's ex?

Original poster
MrsShuffleBottom · 23/02/2011 14:29

His new wife doesn't have children. he has two from first marriage. They are donating eggs so don't know if that makes a difference but they are getting it on the NHS.

OP posts:
northangerabbey · 23/02/2011 14:29

Is it being funded because the woman doesn't already have children?

I absolutely agree that people shouldn't have further children if they can't support the ones they already have, but sadly I think I'm in the minority on that one.

Psammead · 23/02/2011 14:31

Tricky. Sounds like he shouldn't. But why shouldn't she have the chance?

silverfrog · 23/02/2011 14:31

maybe he cannot support the children form his previous relationshi[.

maybe his wife can and does support herself and him? and will support any future child/children?

I agree that if he has money, he should be supporting his children. and his ex wife should take him to court for that.

but presumably not all the money in the household si his, and it is not his wife's place to support his children

Original poster
MrsShuffleBottom · 23/02/2011 14:31

The CSA have been trying to get money off him for years but he is out of work a lot. I would genuinely understand if they had no money but don't get how he can suddenly afford to pay towards the treatment.

OP posts:
silverfrog · 23/02/2011 14:33

maybe she is paying for the treatment?

it is not her responsibility to pay for his children.

serin · 23/02/2011 14:33

Chil, Do clinicians not have to take into account the welfare of the child created by IVF? they certainly used to have to, in the earier days before IVF became so lucrative.

Chil1234 · 23/02/2011 14:34

Does it cost a lot? (Sorry, I have no idea about IVF price-lists) Could they have saved up? Gone without a holiday or something? A lot of men leave ex wives in the lurch financially and, although it's not right, complaining really won't help.... suing might.

Original poster
MrsShuffleBottom · 23/02/2011 14:35

Sorry i should have been clearer. His wife doesn't work, he works sometimes but then leaves whenever the CSA catch up with him because he doesn't want to pay child support. His attitude is that his ex wife claims tax credits for the children so why should he have to also pay.

So his two DC are being support by the state.

He and his new wife are being supported by the state.

And they are getting nhs funded treatment to have a baby that will also end up being supported by the state.

OP posts:
olderyetwider · 23/02/2011 14:35

My ex DIL has a long child protection history (1st two live with us.) Her new DH has 7 children by 4 women and also has domestic violence convictions. They've had IVF on NHS. Baby is on a child protection plan.

TrillianAstra · 23/02/2011 14:36

Medical treatment is not given out based on moral judgements.

We don't treat smokers with lung cancer any differently to people who have never smoked.

We don't refuse IVF to a childless woman because we don't like her husband.

Original poster
MrsShuffleBottom · 23/02/2011 14:37

But why should the state fund another baby being brought into the world when the parents are doing nothing to try and support it?

OP posts:
ClaireDeLoon · 23/02/2011 14:38

I don't understand how they are getting it part funded by the NHS? I thought NHS IVF only available if neither partner has any children. Tough rules I know for (in this case) his current wife but there has to be a line drawn somewhere with expensive treatment such as this.

Chil1234 · 23/02/2011 14:39

Is this just going to turn into another 'people with no money shouldn't have children' thing? It's already got into stealth territory..... If so

worraliberty · 23/02/2011 14:42

How do you know all this personal information on them? How do you know the money isn't coming from the childless woman's personal savings?

Original poster
MrsShuffleBottom · 23/02/2011 14:43

No its not Chil, not at all. But a man who is unwilling to even try and support his existing children surely should be encouraged to just keep having them.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsShuffleBottom · 23/02/2011 14:43

I know because the man has told me himself.

OP posts:
minibmw2010 · 23/02/2011 14:44

I am pregnant at the moment via IVF and I was definitely under the impression that if there were any children from a previous relationship that you couldn't qualify, but I expect the fact they are donating eggs (which the NHS are desperate for people to do) has changed it for them. Either way, unless you are the ex-wife, stop judging.

Original poster
MrsShuffleBottom · 23/02/2011 14:44

And how much do you think a 23yo who has never worked has in savings?

OP posts:
bemybebe · 23/02/2011 14:47

silverfrog "maybe she is paying for the treatment?

it is not her responsibility to pay for his children."

Gosh, I wish you were right, but you are not in the eyes of the UK law. I had to submit my full financial report when my (then) boyfriend was fighting his ex wife in the court because he had a massive drop in his income (be was in an accident, coma, 1.5 yr rehab etc) and she still demanded he paid for 4 kids private education plus 'normal' maintenance. I had to disclose my earnings and my assets and we were NOT EVEN MARRIED.
She had her way... Angry

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