Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To think this hv wasn't?

62 replies

Toomuchtelly · 23/02/2011 10:41

My dbil and sil had their first baby two weeks ago. They live in a four storey six bed townhouse, kitchen downstairs, lounge on first floor, bedrooms on the other two floors. Their bedroom is on the top floor.

Anyway, from the off they said that dd would be sleeping in her own room from day one. They have a study next to their bedroom so we thought they would put dd in there, however, dbil decorated the room next to the lounge, two floors down.

Dd went into her own from the first night. Sil said she was running up and down the stairs fro most of the night but was glad because it would help her to lose weight. mil was concerned as she has done work for FSIDS and tried to tell sil about increased risk of SIDS but was quickly rebuffed.

When I was visiting yesterday, hv came round. She asked sil about sleeping arrangements and when she was told that dd was two floors down, looked really pissed off and asked sil if she had a Moses basket.

Sil - yes
Hv- you need to put it in your room now please while I am here.
Sil- why?
Hv- because you are increasing the risk of cot death. If she was on the same floor it would be better but two floors away is ridiculous.

She stayed until sil had got the Moses basket from the garage and put it in their bedroom.

Needless to say their dd is still in her own room, two floors down.

Sil has made a complaint to the pct, she said the hv shouted at her, which she didn't but was very stern.

I don't think hv was bu.

OP posts:

Chil1234 · 23/02/2011 10:44

Maybe not but its your SIL's baby and, if she knows there's a small increase in risk and is happy to take it, then what is wrong with that? HVs are there to provide advice and parents can either take or ignore that advice... The child is not being neglected, abused or harmed.

bumpybecky · 23/02/2011 10:45

that poor baby :( and no I don't think the HV was BU (and would think the same even if she had shouted!)

witchwithallthetrimmings · 23/02/2011 10:46

no not at all. Even if you feel that it is your choice where to put your baby to sleep, the hv could be morally and legally responsible for not making the risks clear and doing her utmost top persudade you sil to put her baby closer if (god forbid) anything did happen

Original poster

Toomuchtelly · 23/02/2011 10:48

I thought the hv was brilliant. Really put her point across well. Sil is more concerned about her figure than the increased risk of SIDS.I don't think she should make a complaint but hey ho.

OP posts:

ladysybil · 23/02/2011 10:49

your sil is being unreasonable complaining to the pct about the hv. its the hv's job to ensure the baby is not put into any danger, and she acted within her professional remit. if the baby's mother is willing ot take the chances of increased sids risk, then thats her right to do so, but to complain about not liking the advice given to her about her dd's safety is childish at best.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 23/02/2011 10:49

Two floors away is ridiculous. Worrying about losing weight with a two week old is ridiculous. The fact that the wife is doing all the running up and down is ridiculous, and depressingly predictable.

But Chil is right, it's not neglect, and it sounds like they're responding to the baby quickly and can hear her when she wakes, so they're not leaving her to cry all night or anything.

frasersmummy · 23/02/2011 10:49

I think the problem here is that advice about avoiding sids is just that - advice

There is no law about where your baby must sleep

Yes imho your sil should have her baby in her room at the moment - to me its not worth the risk.

Any health proffesional should give new mums all the information re the risks and advise thenm how to avoid it. Not shout at them or demand they do what they tell them

bubbleymummy · 23/02/2011 10:49

she was definitely NBU. Your SIL is an idiot. 2 floors down? I'm a bit about babies being put in their own rooms from birth anyway but usually it is at least on the same floor! Bloody madness.

witchwithallthetrimmings · 23/02/2011 10:51

also if the circumstances were a bit different - say hv went into the house of an otherwise loving and supportive mother who was putting rusks into a 3 week old baby's bottle, i bet your sil would expect the hv to do something about it

TheGrumpalump · 23/02/2011 10:51

Whilst on this occasion I think the HV's advice to your SIL was correct, I do think the HV WBU to demand your SIL do as she (the HV) said. HVs are there in an advisory capacity, they cannot and should not insist parents follow their advice.

Original poster

Toomuchtelly · 23/02/2011 10:52

The hvs face was literally when sil told her where her dd was sleeping. She said something about babies needing to hear you breath as the part of their brain that controls breathing is still immature. Sil didn't take any of it on board.

OP posts:

TheCrackFox · 23/02/2011 10:55

Actually, i think their HV has a point.

Presumably she knows that they will probably put the moses basket back into the garage as soon as she leaves their house.

mmsmum · 23/02/2011 11:00

YANBU and the HV was NBU, SIL is BU (I feel like I'm writing in a secret code!)

Why would you not want your newborn close to you? I wonder if she will eventually give in, not for the sake of the baby's health or bonding but because she is going to be exhausted with those stairs. I really can't get my head around a new mum not wanting their baby close, could she have post natal depression or something, it just seems so bizarre to me.

bodencustomer · 23/02/2011 11:00

The HV has given her professional advice. Your SIL can now chose whether to take it or not. HV was probably very surprised that SIL was happy to have the baby so far away at night because it's unusual.

Did the HV really shout at her or is SIL saying that because she was told something that she didn't really want to hear.

The PCT will investigate the complaint which won't be very pleasant for the HV but unless she did raise her voice then she's only done her job.

bodencustomer · 23/02/2011 11:02

Interesting one this, considering how hv's are on the whole vilified on MN. HV tells mother something they don't want to hear and mother complains.

Original poster

Toomuchtelly · 23/02/2011 11:04

Boden, she didn't raise her voice, but she was blunt. She did say that having the baby on the same floor would be ok but two floors down is not. It definitely does not warrant a complaint.

OP posts:

OnEdge · 23/02/2011 11:04

The advice was sound, but the delivery was unprofessional.

HV = BU.

OnEdge · 23/02/2011 11:09

I disagree, HV don't have the authority to demand action - go into the garage and get moses basket. Her manager needs to be aware, its just not professional.

reallytired · 23/02/2011 11:10

I think that SIL must have mental health problems to act in such a way. Does she have a baby monitor? What does your BIL think?

Maybe hv wasn't perfect, she is human like the rest of us.

It sounds like your SIL really NEEDS a health visitor. She is not normal.

Chil1234 · 23/02/2011 11:13

Of course the SIL is normal :) But she's not playing the game, that's all. What a lot of people do is set things up 'by the book' for the HV to see, wait until they've gone, and then do their own thing. My own HV wasn't offensive but she always seemed very disappointed if there were no mental problems to help with.

OnEdge · 23/02/2011 11:14

BODEN

She stayed until sil had got the Moses basket from the garage and put it in their bedroom.

This is not just having to listen to something you don't want to hear, this is being forced to follow her advice. The HV job is to make her aware of the risks, thats as far as it goes. She has no right ordering the Mum about however strongly she feels.

Original poster

Toomuchtelly · 23/02/2011 11:15

Reallytired I think they just want some structure although I don't agree with what they are doing sleep wise, I can understand it in a way.

I still co sleep with my 1year old and bf and I think sil saw how knackered I was at times and this steered her into putting dd into her own room and choosing not to bf but totally ff. Each to their own I guess.

OP posts:

OnEdge · 23/02/2011 11:16

Why is SIL not normal ? Because she doesn't follow advice ? So are all the Mums who Formula feed or refuse to vaccinate their children not normal ?

oldwomaninashoe · 23/02/2011 11:19

I cannot understand, why you would not want your newborn near you???
I think it is bizarre, and that the Health Visitor has a point, but she is only a Health Visitor and not the Childcare Police so cannot insist.
Hasn't your SIL got better things to do with her time now than complain to the pct.

(By the way my Health Visitor was absolutely brilliant, never in your face but available at a moments notice if you had a problem, she had five kids of her own which was re-assuring to me)

frasersmummy · 23/02/2011 11:21

not normal????????????? thats a bit harsh and uncalled for

Flip

1 2 3