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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this hv wasn't?

62 replies

Toomuchtelly · 23/02/2011 10:41

My dbil and sil had their first baby two weeks ago. They live in a four storey six bed townhouse, kitchen downstairs, lounge on first floor, bedrooms on the other two floors. Their bedroom is on the top floor.

Anyway, from the off they said that dd would be sleeping in her own room from day one. They have a study next to their bedroom so we thought they would put dd in there, however, dbil decorated the room next to the lounge, two floors down.

Dd went into her own from the first night. Sil said she was running up and down the stairs fro most of the night but was glad because it would help her to lose weight. Hmm mil was concerned as she has done work for FSIDS and tried to tell sil about increased risk of SIDS but was quickly rebuffed.

When I was visiting yesterday, hv came round. She asked sil about sleeping arrangements and when she was told that dd was two floors down, looked really pissed off and asked sil if she had a Moses basket.

Sil - yes
Hv- you need to put it in your room now please while I am here.
Sil- why?
Hv- because you are increasing the risk of cot death. If she was on the same floor it would be better but two floors away is ridiculous.

She stayed until sil had got the Moses basket from the garage and put it in their bedroom.

Needless to say their dd is still in her own room, two floors down.

Sil has made a complaint to the pct, she said the hv shouted at her, which she didn't but was very stern.

I don't think hv was bu.

OP posts:
DaisySteiner · 23/02/2011 11:22

Of course the HV was being highly unreasonable and massively overstepping her authority! Sleeping in the same room has a small protective effect against SIDS, as does breastfeeding. Imagine if SIL was formula feeding and the HV had said 'get your boobs out now please and feed that baby while I am here' I think everyone would pretty much agree that the decision was the mother's NOT the HV's. Same goes for place where baby sleeps - parents' choice NOT the HVs. And logically how much difference does two floors down make compared with a separate room or one floor down?! Ridiculous! I might not agree with your SIL's choices but they're her choices to make not some busybody HV's.

Vallhala · 23/02/2011 11:28

Agree with OnEdge. The HV would have been told a very resolute no, had I been your SIL and would have been told to leave had she persisted. I'm a grown woman and whilst I have an obligation to follow the law I do not expect to be ordered around by a bloody Health Visitor.

Come to think of it... I did tell a HV to leave when she acted over and above her professional remit. She was the last HV I entertained.

DillyDaydreaming · 23/02/2011 11:29

I don'tthink the HV was unreasonable in giving he advice but DO think she overstepped the mark in making yor SIL put the Moses basket in her bedroom while sh was there - fact is she has now alienated your SIL.

I am a HV too and wouldn't do this but WOULD make sureyour SIL understood what the advice was and why these guidelines were in place.

Personally I would be more concerned about why your SIL wants the baby so far away from her. Losing weight doesn't cut it really - certainly most parents cannot bear to be such a distance from their babies but each to their own.

Providing your SIL understands the reasons for the guidelines then it's up to her to follow or ignore them as she sees fit.

BertieBotts · 23/02/2011 11:32

Well wait - I agree that it's best to have baby in the same room, I believe in the breathing theory, but I don't see any difference between the baby being on the same floor and 2 floors down. It's not going to be able to hear them breathe in the next room either, and presumably the HV wouldn't have made them move the moses basket if the baby had been sleeping in the room next to them.

The only increased risk which I wouldn't be happy about is a fire risk - what if a fire started on the ground floor and by the time the smoke alarms went off, it was difficult or impossible for them to get to the baby's room. At least if the baby's nearby they could get themselves in the same room to be rescued, pass the baby out of the window to a rescuer etc, rather than have to wait for firefighters to break in. But then depending on the layout of the house you might have a similar issue if the baby was in its own room on the same floor as the parents.

DillyDaydreaming · 23/02/2011 11:32

The HV has an obligation to give the guidelines though - imagine IF (God forbid) the baby died an somebody told the parents afterwards "well there is a protective factor in having the baby sleeping in the same room". Imagine if they had not known this.
So - no the HV is not being a "busybody" to ask but IS being overbearing in the way she acted here.

altinkum · 23/02/2011 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

reallytired · 23/02/2011 11:35

"Sil has made a complaint to the pct, she said the hv shouted at her, which she didn't but was very stern. "

Surely that is not normal behaviour. To claim that a hv shouted at you when she didn't.

I think that hv are dammed if they do and dammed if they don't.

" are all the Mums who Formula feed or refuse to vaccinate their children not normal ?"

They are only not normal if they make vexous complaints. HVs are not there to be friends with the mother. They look after the welfare of the whole family. I would want my hv to tell me if she thinks I am doing something dangerous.

I don't think you can seriously compare formula feeding or not vacinating to having a baby such a long way from you.

Ephiny · 23/02/2011 11:36

Fine to give the advice (and I agree it seems a little bit odd to put your baby so far away from you bedroom), but completely unreasonable to refuse to leave a private home until the SIL jumped through the required hoops. She has absolutely no authority to do that.

What's the point, anyway? There's nothing to stop SIL putting the basket back where she wants it as soon as the HV has left!

Given what I've heard about them, I don't think I'd be inviting/letting an HV in at all, I don't take well to being ordered about by anyone, least of all in my own home.

altinkum · 23/02/2011 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scaryteacher · 23/02/2011 11:42

Ds slept in his own room from the time we came home; sometimes if he didn't settle, I would sleep in the bed that was in the room as well, but much of the time I didn't. He is now 15 and fine.
However, his room was next to ours and we had a baby monitor.

DillyDaydreaming · 23/02/2011 11:42

Ephiny - we're not all like that though. Smile

FabbyChic · 23/02/2011 11:43

I hope she has a baby monitor at least. Two floors down, I would say that is tantamount to well abuse, even if that is a strong word.

A new born two floors down!

curlymama · 23/02/2011 11:43

The HV has a duty of care to the baby, not just the Mother, she was completely justified. She has probably seen first hand the effects of SIDS throughout her career, and was just doing her best to prevent it happening to another baby. And Mum. MAybe she could tell that sil wasn't really taking her seriously, so she asked for the moses basket to be got out as it was the only way she could think of to get the message through to the Mother.

Who has a newborn and keeps the moses basket in the garage anyway?

If sil has made a complaint about this, what would have she have done if the baby had died and then sil decided she had not been given the right advice, or had not been made to see how important it was.

Sil is well out of order afaic.

Ephiny · 23/02/2011 11:44

Dilly, I'm sure you're not! :) I just don't like the feeling of being monitored and judged, and especially not being told what to do.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 23/02/2011 11:45

I can't imagine either of my lovely HVs behaving like this tbh. I don't recall them asking to see where ds slept, either - is that normal these days?

The HV wasn't BU for firmly recommending that your dn sleeps nearer to her parents and for drawing her attention to the FSIDs guidlines, but her behaviour - insisting she got the moses basket from the garage - is odd. I imagine she has other concerns about your SIL tbh.

The weight loss remark could've been throwaway - I wouldn't necessarily take it too seriously.

frasersmummy · 23/02/2011 11:46

letting your child sleep in their own room is nowhere near abuse!!! ffs

MoonUnitAlpha · 23/02/2011 11:48

While personally I find it bizarre that anyone would want their newborn in a different room, let alone a different floor, the HV was BU. It wasn't her place to insist your SIL do anything - she can advise her though.

And I don't see much difference between the same floor and a different floor anyway.

I co-slept with my newborn, and if the HV had insisted I go and get the moses basket and put the baby in it at night I would bloody well complain too!

NinkyNonker · 23/02/2011 11:51

I was never asked, maybe she does have other concerns. I think complaining is unwarranted, the manner the HV used to put stuff across may not have been ideal but she was right. Maybe she thought being slightly stern would cut through newborn, sleep deprived silliness.

Dd is past 6 mo now and we still don't want to put her in her own room, can't imagine a newborn. They need to be near their parents, ideally mother at all times imo.

MarthaLovesMatthew · 23/02/2011 11:52

Aside from the rightness/wrongness of room-sharing, surely SIL is making life harder for herself, running up and down the stairs all night and seperating herself from her baby so much.

The HV will probably be concerned about the possible impact of this on SIL as well as the baby. I don't know for certain, but wouldn't something like this increase the risks of PND perhaps?

I'd say HV was not BU, although it was OTT to demand the moses basket be moved whilst she was there.

Hope your SIL is ok. It sounds like a stressful arrangement for all concerned.

altinkum · 23/02/2011 11:54

This reply has been deleted

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mmsmum · 23/02/2011 11:59

I'm interested to know why she had her moses basket in the garage. Did she plan on having the baby with her and then change her mind after it was born? Maybe it was an unwanted gift but if bought if herself and then put it outside something changed. The more I think about it the more concerned I am about the Mum and the reasons behind her choices than the HV's behaviour.

strandedpolarbear · 23/02/2011 12:02

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bumpybecky · 23/02/2011 12:17

I think it's because newborn babies aren't very good are regulating their own breathing. Studies have shown that being in the same room as adults (even asleep adults) keeps the baby's breathing more regular, so reducing chance of SIDS

As with most things recommended I expect sleeping in the same room make s a very small difference to the risk level, but as it's such an easy thing to do most parents do it :)

Vallhala · 23/02/2011 12:20

I've always wondered where the logic is in the SIDS link with hearing a parent breathing.

Most new babies sleep as much in the day as they do in the night and surely as deeply? And it is daytime when new mothers are active, whether that's putting the tumble drier, washing machine and radio on, watching the TV, vacuuming, driving a car with babe in it, going shopping or whatever. another room. When mine were new/very young it seems like I never stopped and was often out with babe asleep in the pram or doing noisy housework with babe asleep nearby/in another room.

So how the feck can a baby hear it's parent/s breathing when all that type of thing is going on?

Or am I missing something?

FioFio · 23/02/2011 12:21

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