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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be totally pissed at DH...

79 replies

mellyjelly · 22/02/2011 22:03

Our baby is 3 months...

I look after her 24/7 generally... And he takes her when he can.

So, works all day, goes running, comes back for a bath, by then it's her bedtime.

Tonight he wanted to go out with his friends, which is fine because he does work hard and I am expecting him to have her on Sunday night so I can go for dinner with mine.

He was supposed to have her until he went out at 8.00, so I could have a quick tidy up, maybe watch eastenders etc, then he goes out. She's usually in bed at 9...

His friends show up at 7. They all leave.

She screams the place down. Hysterically. Like I've never heard her cry before. I call him to cone home after an hour because she's my first baby and I just ran out of things to try and was starting to panic.

Of COURSE as soon as he walks in the door (pissed off) she stops screaming, but she's still breathing raggedy, red tear streaked face so I think quite obvious she's been hysterical.

He's so angry, so am I.

Now apparently he's going to have a make up session with his friends Sunday. When I was going out.

I don't go running, I don't go to work, I don't go out once a week.

I want him to give me back my night I've been looking forward to for weeks and swallow the fact that he had to cut his night short.

AIBU??

OP posts:

notmyproblem · 22/02/2011 23:47

Wow your DH is in for a big surprise if he thinks life can continue as normal now that he's become a parent. Sounds like he's been pretty successful at pretending that so far though... it actually sounds to me like YAabitU by letting him get away with thinking he's still living his old life.

On top of that, this crap he's pulled out leaving an hour early to go out (how convenient that his friends showed up an hour early), then punishing you for asking him to come back by telling you he's going to take Sunday night now as well? sounds like he's your older teenage brother tormenting you, not your husband.

He takes her when he can what does that mean exactly? He takes her as often as possible because he loves her and wants to give you a break? Or he takes her when it suits him?

Meow75 · 22/02/2011 23:53

YANBU - You called him back because you had run out of ideas, and she was still screaming, and you were hoping that - at the very least - as her Dad, he could at least take her from you so that you weren't so immersed in it.

Bringing up a child should, in theory, be a team effort where possible. You don't really seem to be acting like a team. He is more or less continuing with his pre-baby life, and you are doing 95% of the baby stuff. What a great, hands-on Daddy he is!!!

Original poster

mellyjelly · 23/02/2011 00:07

Notmyproblem - he takes her because he loves her, I know that. But I can pinpoint the problem now... It's almost as if I have her because I have to, and he has her as a favour... Does that make sense?

I think people are right when they say the 2 of us should go out. We're more like job sharers than a married couple these days.

But I suppose a lot of people have problems when they have a baby... It's amazing how utterly difficult it is.

OP posts:

MadamDeathstare · 23/02/2011 00:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chickchickchicken · 23/02/2011 00:12

yanbu

so what if sunday night is the only night they can do? he should say he cant make sunday as you have already made plans

i hope you stick to your original plans. if your baby is poorly on sunday would you behave childishly or want to comfort her and support partner?

i would expect partner to come home and help in OP's circumstances.

TheSecondComing · 23/02/2011 00:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ephiny · 23/02/2011 10:30

YANBU, I called DP once to come home and drive the dog to the emergency vet because he did't seem well and I panicked about it being something serious. DP was a bit about it, but agreed better safe than sorry and didn't have a go at me. I'm sure I'll be 10 times worse with a tiny new baby. I'm guessing this is your first baby - it's a big new responsibility and it's natural to be unsure sometimes and want support and reassurance. It's the least you can expect from your partner and co-parent IMO.

I can understand him being upset about missing his night out, but it's one of those things when you have children. He's not single and child-free any more, and if you and/or DD need him, then that comes before nights out.

ledkr · 23/02/2011 10:42

Could he not have gone back out when she had settled,what will you do if she cries a lot when dh is at work?Sorry not judging but you are both bu imo.If your night out is planned for Sat then you should stil go but bear in mind he may all you back,how would you feel then?
You need to get this sorted asap cos it will crop up for years to come if not.My dd is only 3 wks and dh goes back to work Sunday and is a copper so cant come home,i am anticipating it will be very hard as baby has reflux and cleft palate so hard to feed and on meds but i will just have to manage somehow,good luck.

ledkr · 23/02/2011 10:43

sorry sun not sat

oldwomaninashoe · 23/02/2011 10:51

You shouldn't have called him home because the baby was crying, you probably ended up making him look henpecked and stupid in front of his mates.....thats what the sunday nightouting is all about!! To show his mates that he has asserted himself this time!

You are both being unrealistic not to imagine that your life does change whe you have a baby!
From your OP you are coming over as a bit needy and he is coming over as unreasonable.

Why are you not going out together??

Merrylegs · 23/02/2011 10:54

"DH says Sunday is the only night they can all do, and it's not punishing me."

But that's not true. Sunday night isn't the night 'they can all do' because he can't do it. Why is he putting their plans above yours?

Original poster

mellyjelly · 23/02/2011 11:09

Oldwoman - I am not needy. I look after my baby extremely well mostly by myself and I absolutely love it. In her three months of life I don't think that calling him once can really be classed as needy? He has been out before... Usually once a week, and this is the first time I've called him.

We are not going out together because I haven't left the baby with anyone yet. Sunday night was going to be my first night out since I had the baby.

I am not needy. Quite the opposite actually.

OP posts:

Original poster

mellyjelly · 23/02/2011 11:11

And I know life changes. I spend 24/7 with my baby - have bot been out without the baby or expected to - also haven't left the baby with anyone. My life has changed a lot thanks very much.

OP posts:

LittleMissWorryHead · 23/02/2011 11:15

Exactly what Merrylegs said, he can't do Sunday as you have plans?! YANBU! I would have done the same if I was worried, and why shouldn't you? I expect you would want to be told too if he was worried and you were out.

CoronaAndLime · 23/02/2011 11:22

oldwomen,

I dont want to shock you but,
it is 2011 and not 1800.....

ginnybag · 23/02/2011 12:07

MellyJelly - I've been where you were tonight, with that God-awful panic making me short of breath and dizzy, certain to my core that something's horribly wrong, trying to tell myself not to be silly and not believing it. You're a new mother with a tiny, helpless life completely dependant on you. There is no stress like it.

I did exactly what you did. I yelled for my DH for help. What I thought he could do, I have no idea but he's the other adult I trust the most and I wanted the back-up.

It sucks that this happened when your husband was a on a night out, but that's the way it goes with baby's and he needs to realise that now. If he needed to take her out to settle her, then he saw the state she was in.

You have two issues here: One is that your husband doesn't seem to be making all the many concessions to the fact that things have changed. It's often the case with new families, but he's still going out, often, still going running - i'll bet getting a decent amount of sleep. That needs to change. He needs to acknowledge the huge upheaval in your lives and start making concessions.

The other is this issue of Sunday. It's the first time in three months you've planned any time to yourself. If he can't see that you should be able to go on this, regardless of anything else, then you and he need to have a sit down. He's had many nights out - you haven't. When does he suggest you get a break?

Good luck!
You have

Clytaemnestra · 23/02/2011 12:22

Be prepared if you do go out on Sunday to get a phone call pretty rapidly needing you to come home. If he's determined to punish you for spoiling his night out, he might see it as poetic justice.

EmmaBGoode · 23/02/2011 12:24

Tell me, do you think you would have felt he was BU if he had summoned you home from your evening out on Sunday because she was crying?

JenniPenni · 23/02/2011 12:30

Hubby needs to get his priorities straight. His life has changed now there is a baby in the house. Not only your life changes.

How he could be angry with his tired wife who is fretting over your young baby is beyond me. How incredibly selfish.

You MUST go out on Sunday. You need to ensure you get some ME time.

TheCrackFox · 23/02/2011 12:33

YANBU

Tell him you are going out on Sunday night and that actually you do not need his permission.

As an aside - is he going for a run every night and then having a bath. How old is he, 12? He doesn't need to go for a run more than 3 times a week and a shower will suffice.

He can do what I do and go for a run very early in the morning, before everyone else is up and have a shower afterwards ready to start the day.

In summary tell this fucking twat to man up.

Malificence · 23/02/2011 12:35

He needs to grow the fuck up and realise that his family is more important than his social life.

You needed him and he reacted by getting angry, nice. So his little night out was interrupted, boo fucking hoo - when you become parents your priorites are meant to change.

hymie · 23/02/2011 12:38

"TheSecondComing Tue 22-Feb-11 22:38:00

i think you are both tit for tatting (and i say this as a sahm whose partner runs 100miles a week)
you shouldn't have rung him.
you need to apologise,if your mum will sit then that would be a nice concession.
are you prone to drama. babys cry btw HTH"

Harsh but fair

JenniPenni · 23/02/2011 12:44

'Be prepared if you do go out on Sunday to get a phone call pretty rapidly needing you to come home. If he's determined to punish you for spoiling his night out, he might see it as poetic justice.'

If this does happen it will be VERY sad... and an unhappy life awaits these parents. He should be bluddy grateful he has the privilege of being a father, as there are many people who are desperate for a child... crying/screaming/messing-your-life-up-occasionally and all!

WriterofDreams · 23/02/2011 12:50

I am really surprised at some of the reactions here. YAdefNBU OP. You were upset and needed help, that's exactly the time when your partner should step up and be there for you. My DH goes to volleyball one night a week but last week I had a tough night with DS on Tuesday night (he's 8 weeks) and so DH insisted that he wasn't going to training as he didn't want me to be alone all day when I hadn't had much sleep. I was happy for him to go out but he wouldn't as he didn't think it was fair. If I were in your situation DH would actually be quite annoyed if I didn't ring him - it would really upset him to think I was on my own and freaked out by a crying baby and I didn't call him for help.

You situation sounds quite bad to me OP. He gets to go out one night a week, goes running, etc and you're stuck in all the time with the baby. Why is that? I totally get what you mean about you being the default carer and he looking after DD as a "favour." It should definitely not be like that. Does your DH help with housework etc?

Bramshott · 23/02/2011 13:08

3 months is about the worst time for cumulative sleep-deprivation!

OP - can you say calmly "Well as you know, I am out on Sunday night. Who were you proposing to get to babysit?"

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